Ask Moony

Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Moony

Dear Moony,
People won't stop pinching me...It doesn't hurt, but it's making me go insane! I'm losing it! Although I probably never had it anyway...Do you think it has something to do with the fact that I like to sing?
-Singing Pinched
(from digimon-lover)

Dear Singing Pinched,
I think you should wear green on St. Patrick's day. Then they can't.
Moony

Dear Moony:
Who? What? When? Where? Why? Huh? Why is Rocky so mean to me? What's a kyree? Why am I asking so many questions? Why did James come down at 4:30AM and sing a love song at the girl's dormitory? What kind of pie did she throw at him? Do you like cream soda?
~Too-many-questions
(from Fireblade)

Dear Too-many questions,
Me, the pencil, yesterday, Transfiguration, I was bored, huh? He doesn't like you, I don't know, I don't know, maybe he's obsessed with Lily, and I think it was cream. I love cream soda. GIVE IT TO ME! (or Abigail...she loves it too *looks hopeful*)
Moony

Dear Moony,
*waves* Hullo! What on earth is a canon character? I only have a very slim idea.
~Clue-less reviewer.
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Clue-less reviewer,
Canon is basically core...core characters, characters JK writes about, plots she writes about, things mentioned in the books...like the fact that there's only one werewolf at hogwarts, that Harry has a scar....stuff you have to deal with when you write fanfics. You knew it, you just didn't know the term.
Abigail

Dear Moony,
With the help of Sirius and Lakante I have installed a doggy door. I've been knitting green socks non-stop too! *Sniff* But I have a problem! The house elves are revolting against me! Ever single long-nosed, batty-eared one of 'em! The crazed elves have taken to either putting no food at my place on the Gryffindor table (How they predict where I'm going to sit is beyond me..) Or poisoning the food they put there. How do I make peace with the mental creatures? I've started setting the dorm on fire again by the way. ^_^
~Pyromaniac girl
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Pyromaniac Girl,
Sirius will be happy. Maybe you should apologize...? Hasn't your friend done that too?
Moony

Dear Moony,
At first the socks and the doggy door was kind of cool! Easier to sneak into the dorm rooms and avoid Styrofoam lined doors so that I can fill pillows with Jell-O. Now that pyromaniac is seeming a bit odd... There's drawings pinned to the dorm wall of all of us except Wormtail! There's one of me, and one of James, one of James and I jinxing each other so that we both have floppy bunny ears on our heads before we got a photo taken, there's one of Prongs glaring at Lily in charms back in first year, and even one of you writing your column! *glances around nervously* Do ya think she's spying on us?
~Paranoid (And rightly so I might add.) ,Padfoot.
P.s.: Underwear? *giant pleading puppy dog eyes*
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Paraonid Padfoot,
No. I think she's obsessed with us.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Locked pyro-girl up, she got out with the help of Lakante. What now? By the way.. Has Black ever thought of asking his mum to buy him some new underwear and send it by owl? One more thing.. Do you know any good charms for putting out fires?
~The girls in the fifth yr. girls' dorm.
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Girls in 5th Yr. Girl's Dorm,
Maybe trapping her in the vanishing closet on the fifth floor? Um...Sirius doesn't live with his mum, he lives with James (seriously) so that's kind of hard. Um...wasn't that the lesson in Charms yesterday? Ask Lily, she's the charms prodigy, isn't she in your dorm?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Someone has disturbed my shrine to Lily! Who did it?! Who?!? Did I mention how nice she looked at breakfast? ^_^
~Prongs
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Prongs,
Read my column, you'll find out. Yes. Only fifteen million times.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Everyone (Well mostly everyone.) keeps wondering about the future since that nutter, Voldemort, started running around pretending to be Grimdewald. And I heard you were using a time-turner to take extra classes. So... Would-you-use-it-to-get-a-sneak-peak-of-the-future?!
~Curious, a.k.a Allysia Silverfire.
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Curious,
No. It's against the law.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm having a nervous breakdown because I'm about to take my O.W.L.s soon. What should I do?
-Nervous-and-About-To-Faint
(from Little House Girl)

Dear Nervous-and-About-To-Faint,
Get a Calming Draught from Madam Pomfrey.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have this obsession with cranberries. My friends are telling me that I have to stop dropping them on the floor, but I can't! Every morning when we wake up, the cranberries are everywere! I can't figure out how they got there, because I always eat them when I'm depressed or very happy. Yesterday I wasn't depressed or happy, but the cranberries was on the floor anyway! Is it Sirius? He told me that the girl he met liked cranberries, her name was Herm or something like that.
-Busy hair in Gryffindor
(from Katie Black)

Dear Busy Hair in Gryffindor,
Maybe you should go to sleep. It seems to help. Especially if you don't wake up.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Gawd! Padfoot's put a dozen dungbombs in your bed! He's trying to kill me right now because I told you this, he's chased me up to the Astronomy tower and he's laughing like crazy! I'm terrified! What do I do? Tell me quick before I wet myself with fear!
Wormtail
(from Marauder)

Dear Moony,
I'm trying to hex Wormtail, but he keeps squirming around and asking you for help! He even busted my dungbomb prank! What do I do? Ew...Wormtail's wetting himself...
Padfoot
(from Marauder)

Dear Moony,
These two sods are driving me nuts! Both keep asking me to hex the other, and both keep telling to appeal to you for help. What do I do?...and Wormtails made this place really stink...
Prongs
(from Marauder)

Dear Wormtail,
Maybe you should just get it over with?
Dear Padfoot,
I knew about the dungbombs, I'm not stupid enough to just get in my bed without looking in it first...see what five years of living with you has done to me!?
Dear Prongs,
I suggest you go obsess over Lily and ignore them both...you seem really good at it.
Cheers,
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why is Hogwarts filled with so many people with issues? There's Sirius who has every issue imagenable, there's the pyromaniac girl, there's James and his obsession with Lily, not to mention the other people who have crushes on professors or inanimate objects, and then there's the psycho's who hear voices or see things. It's really starting to scare me Moony...isn't there anything we can do to stop this madness? ARG!! HELP THE PYRO HAS SET MY BED ON FIRE AGAIN!!
-They Have Issues
(from SiriusAboutMarauders)

Dear They Have Issues,
Good question. There's also another question....why do they all write to me about them? The only thing we can do is smile placidly and eat ice cream. Maybe you should change dorm rooms?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Have you ever wanted to transfigure Professor Trelawny into a giant bug. I can't help but get the urge to do so everytime I look at her, I think it's those glasses. Maybe it's just me but I think she would make a good praying matice...would you help me tranfigure her into a mantice.
-I Pray for a Mantice
(from SiriusAboutMarauders)

Dear I Pray for a Mantice,
Ask James, he tops Transfiguration.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think Sirius is mad at me. You see, I sorta took some of the shiny stuff that he had hiddin under his bed because I like shiny stuff to. How do I get him not to be mad at me and still get to keep the shiny stuff? And in an unrelated note, some black dog has decided to start following me. How do I get rid of it?
-I am NOT a Kleptomaniac
(from Chibi)

Dear I am NOT a Kleptomaniac,
Snog him? I dunno, he's obsessed with girls. I think Sirius can get rid of it once you get him off your case. And I would hurry, because he pranks a LOT.
Moony

Dear Abigail,
I'm Not related to Ms. Padfoot... I only have the bloody (thats a cool word) nickname 'Mr. Padfoot' from school... i dont know how I ever agreed to the nick name... because ff.net authors portray him as a compleat idiot...well, toodles...
-Mr. Padfoot

Dear Moony,
Im Missing my chocolate! It was in my dresser drawer this morning... but now its gone! And I need it cause...um...I just need it! I have an idea of who may have took it but im not gonna say names! *cough* Sirius Cough* Well, If I ever find out who took my Chocolate, I will rip you their hearts and well, I JUST NEED CHOCOLATE!

-Girl who isnt PMS in
(from Mr Padfoot)

Dear Girl who isn't PMS in,
Sorry...um...maybe you should calm down....I don't know! I'm a advice columnist, not a therapist!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why did you send back that silver watch I gave you for Xmas? It looks like it never even came out of the wrapping. In fact, you have sent back all of the recent gifts I gave you for Birthdays holidays etc. The silver chain, the silver quill. What do you have against my gifts?
-Tired of returning gifts
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Tired of Returning Gifts,
Um.....sorry?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think that Peeves has found a new pastime: stalking people. I have heard several people complaining about how he follows them aroundon their breaks blowing raspberries at them, and brething down their necks while they're asleep. I have seen Peeves take orders from you and your friends in the past, and I was wondering if you could do all of Gryffindor house a favor and get Peeves to forget about his new pastime. the rewards will be great. I see a large bag of honey-flavored chocolate frogs in your not-so-distant-future.
-Peeves Stalking Victim
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Peeves Stalking Victim,
Um....Sirius gets Peeves to behave because they think alike. I have no control over Sirius at all....if you can get him to, do I stil get the honey-flavored chocolate frogs?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am on Cloud Nine! I believe that I may have made some progress with the Angel, A.K.A. Lily. Today as I was coming out of Transfiguration, Lily brushed past me and smiled. She actually smiled at me! Me! Wait... Was it a smile, or was it a smirk of satisfaction? Or was she even smiling at me? Was she smiling at a friend who happened to be standing behind me, or was she really, truly smiling at me? I'm going to go crazy. Can you help me, Moony? My need is great.
Prongs
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Prongs,
You're obsessed. Get over it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
You've spoken of knocking Sirius out with a transfiguration book when he getsd on your nerves, and that got me thinking. A friend of mine once told me that if you hit yourself in the head really hard with something, you can kill brain cells. So, i must ask you, why do you feel the need to destroy the precious few brain cells that Sirius has? i believe that if you and your friends continue these actions, that poor Sirius will reduce into nothing more than a human vegetable. Please, if you really care about your rather eccentric friend, you'll find other means of shutting him up.
-Protecting Padfoot
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Protecting Padfoot,
Don't worry, he has no brain cells left. We only knock him out at night so we can sleep. Most of the time we use a Silencing charm.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I came back to Gryffindor this afternoon to pick up my books for Divination when I discovered the common room practically torn to shreds. The room smelled very strongly of bananas, and there were long, silvery hairs all over everything. Do you know who or what destroyed our common room?
-Destroyed Common Room
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Destroyed Common Room,
Hmmm....maybe the Demiguise?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom yesterday with one of my friends (who wishes to remain anonymous), tossing random stuff at her while she was asleep, and she woke up just as my friend threw a small piece of bread at her.Well, she saw it coming, and of course, she started wailing and crying about her tragic death.We would have been able to get of there, had it not been for her flooding the place. McGonagall eventually caught us, considering we were soaking wet, and who wouldn't notice two soaking wet 4th year students walking down a corridor? (Besides Sirius, that is.) Well, she sent Filch to mop up the 2nd floor corridor, and well, you know how he feels about extra mopping... So, now whenever he sees us, he shoots really nasty glares at us, and mutters about really strange ways of punishing us, most of which including us hanging from one of the dungeon ceilings from our ankles... Should we be worried, and if so, what do you suggest we do?
We Annoyed Filch
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear We Annoyed Filch,
No, Filch treats everyone that way. It's natural.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why can't you control your bloddy friends? Aren't you supposed to be the smart one? Can't you think of a way for Sirius to quit being annoying and stop with the jell-o and sock and whatever else he's stealing and James to stop hitting on Lily? Have you tried locking them both away yet? The school would be in dept to you if you could deal with your friends.
--Annoyed Gryffindor--
(from Wiccan Princess)

Dear Annoyed Gryffindor,
If YOU can control Sirius, you have a job for life!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Remus? Why don't you like me? You think i'm ugly don't you?
-Ugly Dog
(from melaniewilliamsandharrypotter)

Dear Ugly Dog,
Who are you?
Moony

Dear Moony,
If Sirius is alone in the Forbidden Forest without anyone around to hear him and he starts talking, is he still wrong?
-Just Wondering
(from Butterfly Kisses)

Dear Just Wondering,
Yep.
Moony

Dear Moony,
There's this bludger that attacks me whenever I walk past the Quidditch Pitch. Even when there's no practice. What should I do?
-Hated by Bludgers
(from Butterfly Kisses)

Dear Hated by Bludgers,
Maybe always carry an umbrella? Maybe you should go seek professional help.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Is there some sort of law that says Professer Binns has to bore everyone to death in his class?
-Bored to Death
(from Butterfly Kisses)

Dear Bored to Death,
Yar.It's in the Transfiguration textbook.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have this obsession with bubble wrap. I like to pop it in my dorm room, but my dorm mates don't like me doing it. Is there someplace I can go where I can pop it without bothering anyone?
-Bubbles
(from Butterfly Kisses)

Dear Bubbles,
Pick an abandoned hallway or classroom....anywhre on the third floor corridor.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why is there a crazy mob following me? I only just got away form them! They're yelling "Aladdin! Say away from Remus he's ours!" I'm hiding some where on the third floor! Remus! Save me!! I love you!
~Aladdin
(from Aladdin the Witchy Werewolf)

Dear Aladdin,
I'm coming, don't worry!
Moony

Dear Moony,
What's the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?
The Deep Thinker of Gryffindor
(from Abigail Nicole)

Dear Deep Thinker,
Forty two.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Remus, it's Lily...as if you didn't already know. Anyway...I received an anonymous note about a secret room. After going to said room I was horrified!! It was almost like a...shrine...to me!! There was this very strange statue thing of myself made entirely out of sugar..I have decided to take drastic actions and go out with this guy from Ravenclaw. [Sorry Remus if you are tortured by more of James' nonsense over this] Anyway Aladdin is angry with me over this *sigh*, so I was wondering...should I wear capris or a miniskirt on my first date with him?... oh never mind. By the way, James asked for extra help with Transfiguration, and I agreed to help. If I'm not back by 9 will you send someone to search for me? [also, if I'm not mistaken isn't Transfiguration Potter's best subject?? Oh dear..]
-Always, Lily
(from kari)

Dear Lily,
Sorry! I will tell your dorm, is that enough? Please don't do this! James will kill us!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I did star in that movie as you wished, and I did enjoy sharing that kiss with Orlando at the end, but now I have yet another problem. They're asking me to be in the sequel. I don't want to! What shall I do??
-Elizabeth Swan
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Elizabeth Swann,
I don't know, I haven't seen the sequel. How much are they paying you?
Moony

Dear Moony,
You don't know me. But you will. I'm from the future. Take my advice: Kill Wormtail now, while you still can. You won't regret it! Trust me, you'll thanks me later. And also, you might want to keep your underwear locked up real good, because Padfoot's still out. See you in a few decades!
-Ron Weasley
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Ron Weasley,
Um....no thanks. I do keep my underwear locked up. Whatever.
Moony

Dear Moony,>
Hey. Did you know that your name spelled backwards is Ynoom?
-Stating the obvious
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Stating the Obvious,
Did you know your name backwards is Suoivbo eht Gnitats?
Moony

Dear Moony,
How can I get my own Gryffindor advice column?
-Journalist
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Journalist,
Hello? Why are you asking me, I don't want to be put out of a job!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have my very own car. Want to take a spin in it sometime?
-Has her own mercedies
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Has her own Mercedes,
No.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Are you interested in writing for the Daily Prophet? We could use an advice columnist like you.
-Editor of the Daily Prophet
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Editor of the Daily Prophet,
What's the salary?
Moony

Dear Mr. Moony, I don't believe you have permission to publish this paper, but, as it is, I'm subscribing to it anyway. I need a bit of advice too- do you know where I might be able to find a nice pair of flannel pajamas?
-Professor Dumbledore
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Professor Dumbledore,
I think there's a closet on the fifth floor with several pairs...I always wondered whose they were, though.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Is it true? Does Potter really have a room to worship me in? If so.. THAT IS TRULY REVOLTING! DISGUSTING! PATHETIC! Please do me a favor and tell him to drown himself in the lake.
-Fed up with stalkers, AKA Lily Evans
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Fed Up with AKA Lily Evans,
I think you already told him that today.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I feel really... Strange... Lily was just talking to me after Charms, and she said my eyes rolled back, and I started to talk in a deep voice like Sirius's and said that she would marry James, and have a baby called Harry, but they'd die because Peter handed them to You-Know-Who! but the baby doesnt die and kinda kills You-Know-Who. But Sirius gets the blame, and gets the blame for killing 13 muggles, and gets thrown in Azkaban! You then become a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher in this Harry's third year, and you're a werewolf btw. And then... Sirius dies! And you get all sad and lonely because you're the last Marauder! What's going on! And I'm not the first person to say this either!! Is it true, d'you reckon? Lots of people have said soo... *cries*
-Lily's Friend Elizabeth
(from Golden*Faerey)

Dear Elizabeth,
No clue.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Just had another 'prophecy'. You get sick this week and may be unable to write the column.
-Elizabeth, again
(from Golden*Faerey)

Dear Elizabeth, again,
Who will write it, that's the question!?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Sirius put green *jelly* in my socks. He didn't take them much to my suprise, I think it was because they were frilly... And he's not that desperate... I tried the styrofoam cups, but he's created some sort of spell to repel the sound! what do I do?!
-Jellied
(from Golden*Faerey)

Dear Jellied,
Run. Very far away. And Hide.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My name is Hermione Granger, and you're doing really well as our teacher. Can you please tell Sirius not to use Peter as a secret-keeper. It's for the best.
-Hermione
PS. Don't tell Mcgonagall. I wasn't meant to use the time turner to go this far back in time...
(from Golden*Faerey)

Dear Hermione,
Do you know Ron or Elizabeth?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I' m Missing my chocolate! It was in my dresser drawer this morning... but now its gone! And i need it cause...um...i just need it! I have an idea of who may have took it but im not gonna say names! *cough* Sirius Cough* Well, If i ever find out who took my Chocolate, I will rip you their hearts and well, I JUST NEED CHOCOLATE!
-Girl who isnt PMSing
(from Mr Padfoot)

Dear Girl who Isn't,
Kitchens.
Dear Moony,
I have this tattoo on my arm, and it hurts every now and then. I dont know what to do! Should i tell my friends about it? I mean, Its shaped like a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth, so i dont know what my friends would think!
-wormt- i mean, uh, stupid tattoo
(from Mr Padfoot)

Dear Person who Doesn't Know His Name,
You can have that removed surgically, you know.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a friend that mutters about styrofoam and evil penguins... AND he tried to steal my Spiderman boxers! I think we should hand him over to the house elves... What do you think, Moony?
-Prongs
(from Mr Padfoot)

Dear Prongs,
I completely agree.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why isnt there an 'Ask Padfoot' colum? I mean, Padfoot is so dreamy and cool! He is also the Gryffindor God! And one more thing, will you please tell people to stop saying "Look out behind you! The house elves are comming to get you". One more thing, how did people find out about my fear of house elves and styrofoam?
-Padfoot
(from Mr Padfoot)

Dear Padfoot,
Why are you refering to yourself in the third person? Um....maybe Peter told them?
Moony

Dear Moony,
My Hoard of Shiney Things is gone! I had a nice collection of them to! Do you know who stole them?! I kept them under my bed, if that helps you...
-Padfoot miss his shiney things!
(from Mr Padfoot)

Dear Padfoot,
Read my column and you'll find out.
Moony

---

Notebook: permlessgirl, I really don't know....I had 40 email this morning. I got about 5 more as the day wore on. I spent all day talking to Ritsuka aka Rasha who asked most of the questions next chapter! And writing, of course.... the thing about British Radio still applies. Any info would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!