Ask Moony

Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Moony

Dear Moony,
I keep hearing voices in my head and they keep on saying to kill everyone, what should I do? -Girl with Voices in her head
(from Yamikitsune)

Dear Girl with Voices in her head,
You should probably get counseling. St. Mungos has a very nice psychiatric ward.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Who did you show the *ahem* picture to? Everyone knows now! You said you burned it after we hexed James for it! Have any of the Slythrins gotten hold of it yet? Oh, we'd never live it down! -Padfoot
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear Padfoot,
I did burn the picture. Nobody has seen it. No fear.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm hearing voices everywhere I go. I walk down a crowded hallway, and I hear voices. I talk to my friends, and I hear voices. My professors talk to me, and I hear voices! What is going on? -Just Because You're Not Paranoid, Doesn't Mean They're Not Out To Get You
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear J.B.Y.N.P., D.M.T.N.O.T.G.Y,
Have you heard these voices when you're alone? When people talk, voices are the common thing to expect.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Wormtail and I were discussing it yesterday, and we decided to prank you for keeping us up so late with your column. Any ideas?
-Padfoot
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear Padfoot,
Yes. I absolutely hate havving slaves and having people do whatever I want them to. It kills me. So why don't you do that?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Today is my thirteenth birthday, and no one remembered. Do you think it's because I didn't tell anyone that today is my birthday?
-Birthday Blues
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear Birthday Blues,
Tell someone.
Moony

Dear Moony,
A few months ago, I watched a movie called "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". I keep thinking about it, and I can't fall aslepp at night. All I can do is sit on my bed, rocking back and forth as I say over and over again, "It's just a flesh wound!" Can you help me?
-Monty Python and the Crazy Third Year
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear M.P.a.t.C.T.Y.,
Um....go spontaneously combust. Get counseling, then eat ice cream.
Moony Dear Moony,
I lost my Snake a few days ago. My friend's cat was recently eaten by a snake. My roommate's rat was just eaten by a snake yesterday. They both blame my Snake, but I tried to tell them that Snake is a cat. They never met Snake so they don't believe me. How can I convince them that Snake is my cat?
-Pet Problems
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear Pet Problems,
A good Imperious Curse.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I recently found I have an obsession with fanfiction. I'm scaring my parents, my brother, and myself. How can I break this addiction without going into withdrawal?
-HELP ME!
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear HELP ME!
What is fanfiction...? I have no idea what you're talking about...wait, there's this strange Abigail girl here again. She wants to...
Dear HELP ME!, the first thing you should do is take ten deep breaths before you spontaneously combust (I love that phrase!). Then go read really, really bad fanfics (they're easy to find). After so many of them, you'll get so sick you'll swear yourself off fanfiction. If that doesn't work, then don't ask Moony--he's a horrible advice columnist and knows nothing at all about these things, anyway. Love, Abigail
-Moony (and Abigail)

Dear Moony,
My roommates and I have had it with Sirius! Yesterday we found a note under a pile of Jell-o that said "I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake. I know if you have Styrofoam, so look out for goodness sakes!" Should we be scared?
-Possibly Terrified
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear Possibly Terrified,
Um....yes. I would suggest a ward around your room.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think I am in love with a wall. It has such pretty wallpaper, with pink and purple duckies. It's in a deserted hallway. I didn't think anyone knew about my love for it, but I found a picture of myself kissing the wall in Prongs' dresser yesterday when I was looking for underwear. How did you guys find out?
-Padfoot
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear Paddfoot, So...how much will you pay us for the picture?
Moony

Dear Moony,
YOU JERK! How DARE you try to set me up with that jerk, James Potter! I know so many hexes that I could turn you into a certain greasy-haired, hooked-nosed Slytherin, if you catch my drift! My roommates have already been punished, but you, Padfoot, and Wormtail are going DOWN! Sleep with one eye open!
-Lily
(from PhoenixGirl1234567)

Dear Lily,
If you had to wake up hearing about how lovely your eyes are ONE MORE DAY, you would do anything. Don't worry; the Marauders have lots of wards on our dorm room. We have enough people that try to kill us every night.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I don't know how to ask him! We've been friends for two years, and I'm nervous he won't want to be friends anymore if he doesn't like me back? What should I do? How should I ask him, if I should ask at all? -1st year Gryffindor Girl
(from kantomon)

Dear 1st Year Gryffindor Girl,
Why don't you ask one of your girl friends?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Where does a wizards' power come from? Does it come from that stick [wand]? I mean, do sticks [wands] contain the actual magic and power, and wizards just have that characteristic, that Muggles don't, to command a stick [wand] to do whatever they want it to do? Or does the magic really come from the wizard but the wand is just a conductor to get the magic out of their bodies?
--The Deep Thinker of the Gryffindor Population
(from mythfetish)

Dear Deep Thinker of the Gryffindor Population,
This question involves the nature of magic. Magic is at the core of everything, and wizards and witches have special cells in your body which are receptive to magic...a new kind of element, if you will. Muggles don't have this same element. It is partly hereditary, but happens at random (such as Muggle-borns, or the rare Squib). Yes, wands do have some magic in them, where the wizard made them, but they are not the source of magic. It is a conductor which stores up tiny pieces of magic. Aren't there classes you can take on these things?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have this weird connection with thunder. Every time it sounds, my insides vibrate and I end up feeling like I need to throw up. Am I, like, Thunder Lady or something?
--Thunder Lady(?)
(from mythfetish)

Dear Thunder Lady,
Maybe you're just a freak.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why do girls keep asking you (a male) PMS questions? They should just ask another female, because males have no bloody clue (no offense) about basically anything. And PMS isn't any different. And I told you! Tell them to go and ask Snape! He's the one with the "How to Deal With Your Period" magazines!
--Annoyed With Stupid Questions
(from mythfetish)

Dear Annoyed With Stupid Questions,
You can't be nearly as annoyed as I am. Good questions. I really don't want to know about girls and their...feminine situations. I will.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am a vegetarian (I also don't eat dairy products because milk comes from cows. Do you see the connection?). And at dinner, there's always this huge piece of meat in front of me and it's just sickening. Should I tell Dumbledore about it? Because I don't want to live out the rest of my Hogwarts years seeing cut-up meat in front of me.
--Veggie Only
(from mythfetish)

Dear Veggie Tales...Veggie Only,
Tell Dumbledore.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Is it normal to be gay? Because my uncle is kinda...um, gay. And I was just wondering...
--Really Confused
(from mythfetish)

Dear Really Confused,
No. Yes. I don't know!
Moony

Dear Moony,
So Boxers or briefs?
-Curious
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Curious,
Boxers.
Moony

Dear Moony,
If a tree falls in the forbidden forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
-Snodz
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Snodz,
Yes.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Every day in the girl's showers, there is this stupid looking rat that keeps looking in on us. He has a wormy looking tail, and regardless of the traps set, he manages to get in daily. It got worse the other day when he was joined by this big black dog. For animals, they seem surprisingly content watching us. What should we do?
-Sick of pervert animals
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Sick of Pervert Animals,
I'll talk to Sirius and Wormtail about it, they might be able to get them out for you.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm writing again to tell you that I found another secret room. You know, the one behind the portrait of Roderick Plumpton on the 3rd floor next to the Defense Against the Darts Arts classroom. Only in this room, the walls were covered in moving pictures of Lily Evans, and there was a table entirely covered in pineapple-banana sugar quills, among other things, including a small red book that on the cover said, "Things that the Angel Has Said to Me". On another table was a collection of several rather lengthy poems that seem to be written about Lily. But what I was most shocked about was that in the far corner of the room, there was a life-size 3-D model of Lily made entirely of sugar. It appears to be a shrine of some sort. I know that your friend James Potter is obsessed with Lily, so I wondering if I maybe stumbled upon his Lily-worshipping room. Do you think I should tell Lily about my discovery? I suppose she would want to know if she were being stalked.
-I Have A Knack For Finding Hidden Rooms, formerly Green Froggy Jell-o Hideaway
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear I.H.A.K.F.F.H.R., f. G.F.J.H,
Don't tell Lily, she wants to kill us already. And you never entered the room. Tell no one, got it?
Moony

Dear Moony,
How come you're always telling the people who write to you for advice to get ice cream? Do you have a freaky obsession with ice cream like Sirius does with sparkly objects, or is this some abnormal advertising plot that you and Florean Fortescue have cooked up so that people will come to his ice cream parlor in Diagon Alley when they want ice cream?
- Curious about Weird Ice Cream Obsessions
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Curious about Weird Ice Cream Obsessions,
No, I don't, actually. Eating ice cream releases endorphins, which is a chemical that makes you happier and content...and less likely to ask stupid questions. But Florean Fortescue does have good ice cream.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was looking for my Potions essay this morning under Sirius's bed, and instead of a paper about mandrakes, I found a rather impressive collection of sparkly objects. Were you aware of this? I found some powdered moonstone, a p-p-pair of t-t-tweezers (bad memories, sorry), that amythest necklace that one of Lily's friends lost a couple of weeks ago, a couple of rocks from the lake, and a lot of other stuff. I think our friend has issues, what do you think?
Wormtail
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Wormtail,
You haven't figured that out already?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I came into the Great Hall this morning for breakfast, and found to my surprise, that Amos Diggory, the Hufflepuff beater from last week's match, (you know, the one where he hit a bludger at you and you nearly fell off your broom), dangling from one of the chandeliers, with several bludgers rocketing around him, trying to make him fall. Do you have any idea who did this or how it happened?
-Worried for the hot Hufflepuff beater
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Worried for the Hufflepuff beater,
No, I have absolutely no idea!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Can you tell me what kinda of drinks *cough*you*cough*werewolves like?Cuz I wanna give a certain sexy blond werewolf a taste of my new concoction that is pink,frosty,with little hearts in it.Then I can frame my twin of seducing y-I mean the werewolf! Just for fun and no I aint no freak, hormonholic, or what ever your colorful language throws at me.
-Hermione's Evil Twin
(from LadyLuna)

Dear Hermione's Evil Twin,
I wasn't aware there were so many werewolves running around Hogwarts. And....no. I don't think werewolves actually drink things. I think they just eat humans.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My best friend has my soul. She stole it from me by making me sign this big contract in red ink, and now she's disappeared? Have you any idea where to find her or my soul?
-Soul-less
(from Sunffles)

Dear Soul-Less,
Why don't you dig a hole? I think she'll be down there.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My mother likes Malfoy. What should I do?
-Stuck with a Fangirl Mother
(from Sunffles)

Dear Stuck with a Fangirl Mother,
I pity you. Why don't you smack her over the head with something large?
Moony

Dear Moony,
My best friend is obsessed with freeing the house elves. My other best friend is obsessed with trying to kill them all. What should I do?
-Best Friend Trouble
(from Snuffles)

Dear Best Friend Trouble,
Go eat ice cream.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am being forced to write this by a very strange girl that calls herself 'Snuffles' and has some strange ability to control other people. She says she will force me to kiss Gimli if I do not tell you this: Beware red headed girls not named Lily, for one is stalking you right now and shall kidnap you and stick you in a cage with Faramir, all the while calling you "Snooglems." -Prince of Mirkwood
(from Sunffles)

Dear Prince of Mirkwood,
Thank you for your advice. It seems lots of people are stalking me.
Moony

Dear Moony,
The letter you have recived from the Prince of Mirkwood is not my fault, but the fault of Jess. She asked me to submit it for her.
-Snuffles
(from Sunffles)

Dear Snuffles,
Whatever.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My friend who eats the grilled cheese is here and she has been asking to make grilled cheese again. How can I shut her up? And yes, I do eat other dairy products, like fish and pancakes... I'm a vegetarian, you know? I'd like you to know that one of the reasons I don't eat grilled cheese is because that would be rude to the poor bread used to make the grilled cheese, and I am the head of ROBO (Rulers of Bread Organization). Therefore I think the bread- and grilled cheese- should be left alone. What do you have to say to that?
-not a grilled cheese- eater (again)
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Not a grilled cheese-eater,
Maybe you should say no. And I have to say that you're a freak.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I tried starring in a movie with Johnny and Orlando, but for some reason I was forced to wear a corset. So I quit. What now?
-Elizabeth Swann
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Elizabeth Swann,
You only have to wear it for about thirty minutes, you find your true love, get to kill a couple of guys to relieve the stress, and end up with Orlando Bloom. I think you can handle it. Plus you get to lie on the Caribbean drinking rum all day. If you don't want to, I will.
Moony

Dear Moony,
When I asked Sirius for some banana pushpins, he said that he'd fill my socks with green jello unless I got my own pushpins. I threatened to rub 2 styrofoam cups together, but he had earplugs. Now I'm in deep trouble... and still banana pushpin-less. HELP!!
-Still Banana Pushpinless
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Still Banana Pushpinless,
I'll steal the earplugs. Happier?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I SERIOUSLY need your help this time! Last month, I was bitten by...a werewolf. I know the deal here. "She was bitten, she's now a werewolf, lock her up, kill her, blah, blah, blah" But, now my friends are all wary of me. At that significant "time of the month" for me, I am really moody. But now, with the whole werewolf thing, I have started injuring people and my moods do some SERIOUS swinging. You're a smart guy. What should I do?
-Evil PMS girl
(from Vixenchic and Dragongrrl)

Dear Evil PMS girl,
Snape has books for dealing with PMS. Maybe you should go eat ice cream.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Moony! What did you tell those girls?! All I wanted was a few green socks! Is that so much to ask??
P.S.: Underwear is still needed. Please?!
~Padfoot
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Padfoot,
Yes, it is. There's already one person knitting you socks, I suggest you find pyromaniac girl.
Moony

Dear Moony,
We did what you said since it worked so well for our former pyro-maniac. When that black dog showed up we had about ten house elves up in the dorm room with us. Now a new problem has arisen. After the house elves had chased the dog out of our room we heard what sounded like Sirius Black shouting something about swearing revenge... Is this an empty threat? We thought of locking our dorm room door, but our resident-former-pyro-maniac has sworn allegiance to black dogs everywhere for some odd reason. So she'll definately let the dog in, and maybe even let Black in! What now?!
~The girls in the fifth yr. girls' dorm.
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Girls in 5th Yr. Girl's dorm room,
Why don't you lock her up?
Moony

Dear Moony,
How many green socks should I knit for that big black dog? And do you know of anyone who can help me fix a doggy door for my dorm room?
~Former Pyro-maniac
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Former Pyro-Maniac,
Ask Sirius and Sirius will help you.
Moony

Dear Abagail,
Why does Moony sound like a broken record? Er, wait. No magic at Hogwarts. Don't answer that. Enjoy California, you lucky git. :-)
- Jobey
(from Green Eyed Lady)

Dear Jobey,
When I wrote Moony, I made the horrible mistake of making him very, very sarcastic. I thought I'd learn after my FIRST omnipotent, sardonic, sarcastic character, but nooooo....oh well, I already have. Oh, I did, I loved it *runs down to the beach and dies* Now I'm happy. I'm going back and living forever (with a computer, of course) in a few years...-_-. Come visit me!
Abigail

Dear Moony,
Can't you oh-so-brilliant ones stop picking on Snape long enough to find some way to get rid of Binns?
-History-Hater
(from Green Eyed Lady)

Dear History Hater,
He's a ghost. Sorry.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I got ice cream as suggested. It melted. Dormmates left off writing to you long enough to eat it in strange, disgusting ways that I don't want to describe.
-Masochistic
(from Green Eyed Lady)

Dear Masochistic,
Sorry. Eat it when you get it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Don't you ever give out the names of good places to get ice cream? And counselors?
-Curious (and Curiouser)
(from Green Eyed Lady)

Dear Curious (and Curiouser),
Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, the Kitchens (for ice cream), and St. Mungo's.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Sirius told me that he's been travelling in time and that he met a girl named Hermione in the future. He fell in love with her, and now he's talking about her all the time. I'm really concerned.
-Prongs
(from Katie Black)

Dear Prongs,
Give him a memory charm.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I went a little Koo-Koo that night, but I'm not sure if it was werewolf or just rabies. Either way, I'm going to madame Pomfrey. I put Dungbombs in my friends beds for revenge, and now Lucius is afriad to go anywhere near me cuz I won't shut up about Lord of the rings.
-Concerned girl
(from Elf Girl)

Dear Concerned Girl,
Maybe you're just a freak. Go eat ice cream and don't think.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am sure you have been wondering where your girlfriend has been these past few days. Well, I can tell you that if you want to ever see your precious Aladdin again, you will have to go out with me and anyone else who has asked you out. That, and I expect a payment of 100 galleons place by the portrait of Gregory the Smarmy at 8 o'clock on Friday night. Remember, your girlfriend's health is at stake!
~Your Girlfriend's Kidnapper
(from WickerB)

Dear Your Girlfriend's Kidnapper,
I'm sorry, did you actually mean to kidnap her? We have the map, you know...we thought she was tying herself up for the fun of it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
How dare you thought it was amusing when you found me tied up in a broom closet? I don't even see why I go out with such a heartless insensitive jerk!
-Aladdin

Dear Aladdin,
You know I love you deep down, don't you? *puppy dog eyes*
Moony

Dear Moony,
The Suit of Armor outside the 4th floor corridor has me in a headlock and refuses to release me. How do you get it to let you go?
~Headlocked
(from WickerB)

Dear Headlocked,
Tickle it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm watching you.
~Peeves
(from WickerB)

Dear Peeves,
So?
Moony

Dear Moony,
! Quick - How many times did Wendelin the Weird let herself get burnt in the Witch Hunts?
~Hoping Reply Comes Before Binns Catches On
(from WickerB)

Dear H.R.C.B.B.C.O.,
No more than 43. Probably too late for you, though...
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why do the mauraders keep playing pranks on me? And you know what the divination teacher told me the other day? She said that someday I would become and Auror and that Sirius, James, and Lily would die and that you and I would fall in love. I told her she was daft. What do you think?
~Tonks
(from Raven Fire)

Dear Tonks,
We play pranks on everyone. I think she is daft. Divination is a load of birdsnot.
Moony

Dear Moony,
We! I've decided that there's something wrong with the carpets at Hogwarts. No matter what shoes I'm wearing *if I'm wearing shoes* I trip. All the time, and the worst part is that there is nothing for me to trip over. All my friends laugh at me and so does Sirius. This just depresses me so much... but I've got him hostage so it doesn't really matter anymore. You know, the dog thing isn't really that hard to figure it out... neither are your nicknames...neither is the fact that you guys are always at the Shrieking Shack... okay, maybe its just me that knows about all this stuff because I have a clinically proven photographic memory. I caught a peek at the map when you were working on it one night, Paddy. Yeah, that probably explains it. The house elfs have left me alone finally...I gave them a pair of green socks and they were quite pleased. Also, you keep saying that Sirius has his own column... I really want to talk to him because, well you know why. Is it just me or am I writing you extremley long letters that have no real questions in them? Oh yes, Sirius wants to say something to you so he's going to write you a letter. I know that you're on vacation Moony but OH WELL...doesn't look like I care does it? Oh and tell Lily that she should just admit to James the truth that we all *ahem* know. And James... get a life, you're conceited mate. You know... the Marauder's could *always* use a girl member. But thats only a dream right, not real... pretend.
-in love with a dog and a clutz (aka, in love with a dog and hyper)
(from Lilolu)

Dear I.L.W.A.D.A.A.C. (AKA I.L.W.A.D.A.H),
Go barefoot. Whatever. Sirius writes the main news column in the Gryffindor Oracle, he does not have his own advice column. (Abigail: It is an idea, though....hmmm)Lily, just admit the truth. She didn't. Oh well.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Did you tell that freak, *points finger at In Love With a Dog and a Clutz* that we should get together? HOW COULD YOU? She's got me hostage... well not really hostage, I could leave at any time but I'm not and I'm not sure why. And she *knows*. Did I ever tell you that my favorite number is 5? How many of us are there? 4? We need one more...and to set me free it should be that one.
-hostage, except not really *oh forget it, its Padfoot
(from Lilolu)

Dear H.E.N.R. *O.F.I. I Padfoot,
Yes, you told me. Maybe you're being controlled. I didn't tell her.
Moony

Dear Moony,
That girl Lu, you know the one who trips on all the carpets, she put bubble solution in my hair and now its *ahem* clean. I'm sending this over with one of you unsuspecting Gryffindors and though I loathe you with every ounce of my body, your smart. HELP ME GET THIS STUFF OUT! I want my Smiggles All Purpose Hair Grease back, not BUBBLE STUFF! It - is - killing - me. Save me before I break my promise to Dumbledore.
-No Longer a Grease Bucket
((I DID NOT PUT THAT NAME ON THERE... WHO DID THAT? LUPIN I WILL GET YOU EVEN IF YOU DID'NT DO IT!))
(from Lilolu)

Dear No Longer a Greast Bucket,
I'm sorry, did you say I was smart? Hang on while I go tell the whole common room and we all laugh hysterically.
Sorry Snapey, but you look a whole lot better with clean hair. I'll tell her to send you strawberry scented shampoo. Okay?
Moony

Not Dear Moony,
if you and your friends don't stop pulling their stupid pranks on my fellow Slytherins I am going to make a Big hex on you all! I do can! If you ever touch poor Snivellus (huehuehue) again I will cast a nice hex that will make Black accused of a murder and sent to Azkaban for twelve years at least, Potter and Evans get togather (I know I am cruel - it's bad now, when they are not togather, imagine what will be when they will be togather!) and have a stupid, ugly, scarred child, than they will die and their child will be an orphan!! (It will also make Peter become a Death eater, btw.) And You will be made a teacher! Yes! I am that cruel, mwahahahaha!(Goes to drink some medicins) So, what do you think?
~Don't-You-Dare-Ask-How-I-Got-To-Gryffindor-Paper
(from Yllen)

Dear D.Y.D.A.H.I.G.T.G.P,
Um, yeah right. We'll never stop pranking you. I think you're insane and need to be locked in a closet with several large spiders. Good prank idea...hang on while I tell Sirius. And why do you want in the Gryffindor paper?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Would you like to become my servant?
Tom
(from Yllen)

Dear Tom,
No.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have lost my sense of humour. I was walking down the street in Hogsmeade and suddenly I saw Snivellus Snape. He pulled his wand, 'smiled' and than my sense of humour was gone. And he is still laughing, judging from sounds that come from Hospital Wing. What can I do?
-And-It's-Not-PMS
(from Yllen)

Dear And It's not PMS,
If Snape smiles at you, mental illness is sure to follow. No fear. We'll send you chocolate frogs.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Aladdin said that she doesn't love you anymore and that it's the end and that if I want I can take you, because she doesn't want you anymore. And it's not a stupid joke. I remain
Always-There-For-You-If-You-Need-Me
PS:We can be so happy together!
(from Yllen)

Dear .T.F.Y.I.Y.N.M,
Sorry, no. Aladdin's sitting right here, laughing ysterically at every word you said.
Moony

Dear Abigail,
I love your sense of humour, but maybe you should go and get counseling? And please, use my ideas... Please please please
From Yllen with love

Dear Yllen,
Yeah...that's what all my friends tell me. They're probably right. *does the Funky Chicken dance then sits back upside down* And I always use reviewer ideas unless they cuss or are not appropriate....one accused Moony of being a werewolf and I had to leave that one out, but that was all. I feel so loved! ^_^
Abigail

Dear Moony,
My parents started acting strangely - they seem to ignore me. They always wear gloves and don't wash their hands in my presence. I also found a few cruelly killed corpses in the fridge, and they were not animals'! What's going on? What shall I do?
-Neglected-by-Parents
(from Yllen)

Dear Neglected by Parents,
Run away. Hide. Move in with James...Sirius already has.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a very good friend. he is much older, but it never mattered, because he always understood me better than anyone else. Anyway, Tom was always good to me. But now he sais that if I am his friend i must prove it and get his special tatoo... And I am horribly afraid of needles! How shall I answer him? I don't want to lose his friendship and his trust and his respect. I don't want to seem a coward...
-Afraid-of-Needles
(from Yllen)

Dear Afraid of Needles,
Don't become a Death Eater! Nooooo!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was left stranded on this island with a girl named Elizabeth Swan. When I woke up there was a huge fire. I asked her and she burned everything, Th food, the supplies and and the rum! I have been crying for it! Why the rum? I mean couldn't she burn anything else? WHY THE RUM!?
~Captain Jack Sparrow
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
There are rehabilitation facitlities for people like you. I suggest you call one.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am left on an island with an annoying pirate. I swear he wears more eye make-up than me. He woke up and asked me what I was doing. I said I burnt the food, supplies, and the rum. He cried for hours sobbing Why the rum? why oh why? What should I do? Why does he wear more eye make-up than me? Should I tell him I have a flask of rum? Why does he talk and walk funny? Is he permantly drunk?
~Annoyed with him aka Miss Swann
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear Annoyed with him Aka Miss Swann,
I think he is permanently drunk. Oh well, just give him the rum and be happy.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Can you tell Sirus he needs to stop stealing tampoons from the girls! Could you ask him when he starts because we all have a bet when he starts because he gets so moody during certain times and complains about this and that. You know what I mean? Can you also ask him why did he dress up like a girl as a bet? (Opps did I say that?)
~P.O @ Sirus!! (from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear P.O @ Sirius,
I told him, but he doesn't listen to me. I already did, no clue.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I swear Lily can't stop complaining about James this and James that. She swears he stalks her and has a magic mirror somewhere. I mean last time I complained about Lucious Lily said I was in love with him because if you complain about someone you actually like them!?!? So isn't Lily complaning about James meaning she likes him?
~Really Confused about Complaints
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear Really Confused about Complaints,
Yep. She does, secretely. Now just get her to admit it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why does Sirus wear sparkly disco shirts? Why does he talk with a fake Italian accent? Why does he do things? Why don't you buy me ice cream?
~Why does
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear Why Does,
Sirius likes sparkly things. I have no clue. The House Elves give you ice cream for free.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am secretly in love with Lucious Malfoy. I don't know why?! I don't think hes cute no, I find him SEXY! Oops did I say that? I am to scared to talk to him but, I can't stop thinking of him!! Your his friend can you tell him?
~In Love w/ Malfoy
P.S House of Gryffindor second floor, first hallway, door number 7
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear In Love With Malfoy,
Um, I'm not his friend. Worst enemy. You're insane. Go eat ice cream and get a good memory charm.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am very confused beacuse I got hit in the head with a broom stick last night. Everyone said it was a raid in the girls house. I woke up to find my hair is hot pink and my friends hair was dyed back to her nautral color blonde! Do you know who did this? If its Sirus you better be careful because we already hate you and were are starting a plot to kill you or worse cut all your fake silk sparkly shirts, break your disco ball, and make you talk normal without your fake Italian accent!! Can you warn him before we dye his hair!And I flunked my potions final because I'm still confused! I swear why does Merry Brandybuck posess about me? Why does a rainbow rain skittles when a fat mother sits in it? Why is there a giant blueberry muffin in my room? Why am so confused? What's my name again? Where am I? Who are you?
~Seriously mad @ Sirus or was it very confussed?
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear S.M.@ S.O.W.I.V.C,
It was SIrius! I know...but you'll have to get in line behind all the Slytherin house to kill us. We are very well protected. Don't cut Sirius's fake silky shirts....he starts to go insane and attack everyone he sees with Lily's sporks. Sorry. Maybe you read too much Lord of the Rings. I don't know, Padfoot put it there, you're confused because you're insane, and your name is Mud. I'm Moony and you're in the insane asylum.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am so popular and cute and have lots of friends! Why doesnt Sirus like me? I mean I am a Varsity cheerleader for the Quddich Team and I'm only a second! Why won't he ask me out? He asked my friends out Elmoer? Why not me? Is it my hair or my popularity that makes him so nervous a round me? Should I also add that I hurled myself on him?
~Popular Amber
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear Popular Amber,
Are you sure you have the right school? Hogwarts doesn't have cheerleaders. Sorry. Sirius just needs to go to an insane aslyum for the weekend.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My friend, annoyed with Sirius (named with held for her sake but Elmer or aka Queen of the Muffin Man) smells like a dragon because Sirius put a spell on her so she will stink as revenge! I don't want to tell her because she will get mad at me. Should I tell her? Should I tell on Sirius? Should I reverse the spell? Should I make Sirus a happy man? What should I do?
~Smellyless Friend
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear Smellyless Friend,
I have no clue. Go eat ice cream and get some for your friends too.
Moony

Dear Moony,
When is the potion paper due?
~Don't know due dates
Dear Don't Know Due Dates,
Next Tuesday.
Moony

Dear Moony,
What should I wear n my first date? Should I wear something nice or casual? Or something fancy? Or something fun and flirty? Is hot pink in or out?
~What 2 wear
Dear What 2 wear,
Alice Remerta writes a fashion/gossip column every week in the Gryffindor Oracle. Go read that.
Moony

Dear Moony,
James owes me 6 homeworks and 4 papers because I made him a love potion for Lily. He hasn't paid up! We had a deal! What should I do? Turn him into a frog? Make him really ugly? Which already is...heheheh I'm nice! Tell Lily about his scheme? Or tell Dumbledore on him?
~owed lover
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear Owed Lover,
Um...maybe go smack him?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am in love with Legolas Greenleaf but he won't even talk to me! I mean I did go on a quest with him and 8 other guys and little-lost-one. I mean, I even sent him flowers, arrows, a brush, and even hurled myself on him! What should I do?
~Lover 4 Legolas
(from TheGirlsRoom)

Dear Lover 4 Legolas,
Go ask a girl.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Thanks for the suggestion. After your response I went and got some styrofoam cups from the kitchen and snuck up behind Sirius and rubbed them together. He ran away screeching about the styrofoam gods coming to kill him... It was great fun. And so far, no more jell-o letters ^_^ Thanks!
~Happily bugging Padfoot (used to be ~Sick of jell-o~)
(from Wiccan Princess)

Dear Happily Buggng Padfoot,
You're welcome. But this is and advice column.
Moony

Dear Moony,
There is a student that is trying to kill me and my hard working friends. I think he is a friend of yours. He always wears green socks and accuses us of stealing his boxers. Please help us!
-afraid of paranoid, styrofoam haters...
(from Mr Padfoot)

Dear Afraid of Paranoid, Styrofoam Haters,
Sorry, we're all afraid of Sirius. Nothing I can do for you...just go eat ice cream. Give him sparkly objects to distract him.
Moony

Dear Mr Padfoot,
Are you related to Mrs. Padfoot, who co-wrote Project The British Are Coming under my favorites? I was reading the fic and it just occured to me....and that is exactly how I picture Sirius, by the way.
Abigail

Dear Moony,
Ever since my best friend, a former pyro-maniac, has stoped lighting our dorm on fire,Ii have been finding myself not being happy until I light the dorm on fire. could you help please?
-new found fire love.
PS: Do you want me to beat up (or posibly kill) the girls that keep asking you out? I know youre attached, but I'm half fire demon and could take them out easily. now I must go and get a large black dog out of our dorm, bye bye! *rushes away*
(from lakante)

Dear New Found Fire Lover,
Go talk to Pyromaniac girl. She can help you.
Moony

Dear Moony,
You might know me (or not) and I want you to murder Sirius Black. Literally. He stole my favorite pair of boxers yesterday! Murder him, or else I'LL murder the both of you!
-Furious (otherwise known as Frank Longbottom)
(from Little House Girl)

> Dear Furious,
Sorry, we all want to. But we can't.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why did Sirius have to die?
-Starchild

Dear Starchild,
Um, Sirius is still here. He's trying to stuff green Jell-o into girl's dorms.
Moony

---

Notebook: Well, I liked the idea of a Ask Sirius fic, but my Ask Moony fic takes entirely too much time as it is. What I think I'll do is have Sirius write one chapter of Ask Moony and answer questions because Moony is sick, of course. I love all my reviewers and you have all done a wonderful job...all I ask is that you keep the canon characters canon. That's my pet peeve.

And all I have to say is that I LOVE YOU ALL! *sniffs* Without you, Ask Moony would never have gotten past the first chapter...seeing how it's an entirely review-driven fic....but I still love you. You're all so nice to me! *sniff again* Yllen, I would do a Slytherin fic except that I don't know and/or care much about Slytherins. I always thought it was cool they had a house for inheriently evil children, though. And little-lost-one, there wasn't enough memory...next chapter!