Ask Moony

Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Moony

Dear Moony,
My friends think i'm crazy because I keep writing to you and saying that you love me... Why do they think I'm crazy? Because it's true that you love me! Isn't it! Moony! OH NO YOU DON'T! THAT ALADDIN IS WITH YOU! but...but... we were so good together! I can't believe you would do this to me Moony! I mean I'm the girl that knows your secret and your fear of the moon and your love of the shrieking shack and your black dog and stag friends! I am going to tell everyone!
-Hopelessly in love with you
(from melaniewilliamsandharrypotter)

Dear Hopelessly In Love with Me,
Sorry. What are you talking about? Are you saying you know about that picture of Sirius and me....I swear, I can explain! Fear of the moon? Yes, and Sirius has a fear of the sun. Black dog and stag? I didn't think we had stags in this part of Britan. You're weird.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I need your help. Desperately.
I was peeking in the girl's toilets last Friday, when suddenly my pet snake falls out of my bag and goes into the bathroom. I follow him to the sink, and then he hissed at me. Next thing I know, I'm over balanced and falling down a secret passageway that appeared out of nowhere with my snake. I can't get back up, and I can't find any other way out. Since then, my snake's died and I've found a creepy room that has a large statue that looks like Salazar Slytherin. At night, I swear something's breathing behind that thing! Can you tell me how to get out? My owl's the only one that's found me, and it can only carry me so many chocolate frogs a week. You've gotta help me out, man!
- Lost and Bloody Scared
(from WickerB)

Dear Lost and Bloody Scared,
It sounds like the Chamber of Secrets! No need to worry, it's a basilisk behind the statue. Just don't look it in the eyes. Um, yeah, if you want out, follow the tunnels down to the third grate on the left...it comes out into fifty feet beneath the lake, so hold your breath.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why do you lose the most important people in your life, but the people who arent as important just never go away? (P.S. if anyone asks you any more PMS questions, just send them over to Snape, cause I found a bunch of "How to Deal with Your Period' books in his trunk)
-the deep thinker of the Gryffindor population
(from mythfetish)

Dear Deep thinker of the Gryffindor population,
Good question. I always knew Snape had some feminine issues.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Well yes... I s'pose that might be it. Thanks to your advice I have quit lighting the dorm on fire for my own entertainment. And why do people keep going on about some secret of yours? *Shakes head sadly* maybe they're trying to make it seem like you have a secret so we won't find out theirs?!
-Just hyper
(from Jade-Chan)

Dear Just hyper,
Good for you! If only all my readers could follow advice like you do...probably. The only secret I have is that one picture of me and Sirius, and I swear, that was all James's fault...
Moony

Dear Moony,
My friend finally quit trying to burn down our dorm. Needless to say... I'm grateful. Now she's paranoid, about everything. I think she needs counseling, but she said she already got counseling from you. One last note, we at Gryffindor tower, Fifth year girl's dorm, the one with the 'Snape Fanclub' sign pinned on it -Don't ask, it's a 'we must annoy Snape' thing.- have gotten together and knitted Sirius a lifetime supply of green socks. They wouldn't fit under the door with our letters, look for them outside your dorm room door.
-My friend needs help
(from Jade-chan)

Dear My friend needs help,
That's very nice of you. I don't think anything could annoy Snape. Tell her to...um....tell her the House Elves are out to get her. We've been telling Sirius that for years and now that they really ARE out to get him he's not worrying about it at all.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Yesterday it was full moon and I saw one of my best friends running towards the forbidden forest, chased by a werewolf. She is not back yet, and I don't want to tell anyone because I'm afraid they will think I'm lying. What should I do??
-Afraid in Gryffindor
PS. The werewolf were wearing exactly the same pyjamas as my other best friend. Should I worry?
(from Katie Black)

Dear Afraid in Gryffindor,
Wow, I didn't know there were so many werewolves running around Hogwarts. Don't worry, there are at least seven more. Smile and give them ice cream the morning after.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I love to study! But every time I try to in the common room, there's this redhead girl and a black-haired boy always arguing, and it drives me nuts! What should I do?! And who are the two freaks?
-Livid Gryffindor Bookworm
(from Little House Girl)

Dear Livid Gryffindor Bookworm,
Lily Evans and James Potter...yeah, they should go out. It's really sickening. I suggest you go to the library.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think I might be addicted to chocolate. I cannot get enough of it. During class, I find myself dreaming of swimming in pools of chocolate with chocolate raining down on me. I will only eat choco pebbles, and choco Krispies for breakfast. What should I do?
-Snoddi
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Snoddi,
Get counseling.
Moony

Dear Moony, I'm mildly obsessed with cheese and I need advice. Everywhere I go, it's all I think about, I even had a dream about swimming in a cheese-filled lake. The strange thing is, I'm lactose-intolerant, so I can't eat any. How do I cure my cheese-obsession?
-Chedarhead
(from Deidre of the Sorrows)

Dear Chedarhead,
Drown yourself in it. Or you can just try some and get really sick.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I really like your friend Sirius, he's really cute. I want to tell him how much I like him, but I heard from someone that he might be...gay? And that you were a couple. I know you say you've got a girlfriend, but I thought that could be masking your true relationship toward your "friend." Right or wrong?
-Curious to Know in Hufflepuff
(from Deidre of the Sorrows)

Dear Curious to Know in Hufflepuff,
I'm not gay, and neither is Sirius. Wrong. And how did you get in the Gryffindor newspaper...?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Do you know how sexy you are? I just want to take you and tie you up and snog you like there's no tomorrow. Then, I want to kill you and preserve your body so I can mount you on your wall and worship you like the god you are. I've already got a shrine, all I need is your naked, corpse. What's the password into your Common Room?
-Leader of the Everlasting Church of Moony
(from Deidre of the Sorrows)

Dear Leader of the Everlasting Church of Moony,
Unless you're Aladdin Niadra, I'm attached to somebody else. And that's....disgusting. You will never get the password into the common room while I'm still alive.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I can't seem to remember what I've been doing for the past seven hours. Not really unusual, you know me, but Peter's got a black eye and keeps running away whenever I go near him. What happened?
-Padfoot
(from Deidre of the Sorrows)

Dear Padfoot,
You don't need to know. Go back to sleep.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Do you understand women? I sure as hell don't. I thought kissing was supposed to be fun, you know, dark night, perfect for romance. Alright, maybe the Forbidden Forest isn't exactly romantic, but it's as good a place as any, right? If right, then why do I have a lump on the back of my head the size of a snitch?
- Confused Prongs
(from Deidre of the Sorrows)

Dear Confused Prongs,
That's usually because the girl you snog wants to be snogged. I suggest you ask Lily before you do that again.
Moony

Dear Moony,
You see, I have this freaky obsession with unanswerable questions. Since you're so smart (insert sarcasm) could you answer them? •Why can a fly walk on a ceiling? •Why am I obsessed with paper shredders? •Why is Snape's hair greasy?
-Padfoot
(from insane werewolf luva)

Dear Padfoot,
Because their feet stick. Because you're weird. It's a mystery of life.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Do you know why I only have green pairs of socks? Hm? I think it because you always wear my white ones! Your evil...
-Padfoot
(from Lemon)

Dear Padfoot,
You never have any other color. You never want to wear any other color. You don't have any other color. Go back to sleep.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My friends just confessed to me that the only reason they've been my friends for so long (since we were 5) is because of my mum's excellent cooking and my really cute dog. Do you think they're telling the truth or do they love me for me? If they are telling the truth, what should I do?
-Wondering about Friends
(from oneiros lykos)

Dear Wondering about Friends,
So what? They're still your friends.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a platypus chasing me with a lighter - my lighter. He keeps trying to burn my hair when I'm sleeping...er, and he snogs the lighter when he thinks I'm not watching. What can I do to get the platypus away from me?
-Pyromanical Platypus Problems
(from oneiros lykos)

Dear Pyromanical Platypus Problems,
Lock it in a cage.
Moony

Dear Moony, b
There's this really cute big black dog I've seen roaming the common room when I'm studying at night. He's really friendly, but he's always carrying underwear or green socks. How did a dog get into Hogwarts? I thought we were only allowed to have cats, frogs, and owls as pets..
-Dog Lover
(from oneiros lykos)

Dear Dog Lover,
Um, there is no dog. It's a Grim. You're going to die.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Er...what color is Sirius's underwear? My drawers keep filling up with guys boxers...and I'm a girl. I noticed Sirius seems to be having an underwear problem, so I'm wondering if they're his...
-Boxer Mystery
(from oneiros lykos)

Dear Boxer Mystery,
Probably. The House Elves have been stealing them, but they have to put them somewhere.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Does James do anything but talk about Lily? It's getting really annoying already...is there anyway to get her to go out with him so he'll shut up already? Could we mute him?
-Wormtail
(from oneiros lykos)

Dear Wormtail,
No. Yes, please do.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have Transfiguration with Slytherins, and I sit behind him - I swear I saw his hair moving, probably because it has occupants. It's really disgusting. Does Snape use lard when he "cleans" his hair? Or is it the work of him not taking a shower since the day he was born? Has anyone tried to clean the mess, like a spell or something (I wouldn't touch it)?
-Scared and Disgusted
(from oneiros lykos)

Dear Scared and Disgusted,
Yes, it is. We are all just as revolted as you are. I think it's both. Yes, actually, one day we made him wash his hair, and he looked in agony the whole time. But it didn't work. The water had all turned to grease afterwards...And we had the hardest time getting the grease off our hands.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Something really weird just happened. I was going up into the girls' dormitories and when I got up there, I found a big black dog hiding underneath one of the beds, surrounded by what looked to be a lifetime supply of green socks. But the weird thing is, the dog had earplugs in his ears, as if he was trying to protect himself from hearing an unbearable sound. I don't know where this dog came from, but he's been under the bed for about three hours, and I have no idea how to get him out. Do you know anything about this mysterious dog, and do you have any suggestions?
-Dog Days
(from hpfreak200)

Dear Dog Days,
Get everyone out of your dorm and I will come get him out. Okay?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I snuck into Honeyduke's last night to buy some pineapple banana flavored sugar quills so Lily would notice me, and I was sucking on one today in Charms, when I realized something. I'm allergic to pineapple. So now I'm in the hospital wing covered in itchy red welts, and I've fallen behind in my quest to win Lily over. What should I do?
-Itching and disgusted with pineapple (Prongs)
(from hpfreak200)

Dear Prongs,
That was really smart. I suggest you try to get Lily to feel sorry for you.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Last week I kicked that big, tall suit of armor next to the Arithmancy classroom on the 6th floor in the shins, and it's really weird, the suit of armor sprang aside, and behind him was a passageway that led to a room filled to the brim with green Jell-o, raspberry cream-filled chocolate frogs, and green socks. I know that you and your friends know most if not all of the secret passageways and rooms in Hogwarts. Do you know anything about this peculiar place?
-Green Froggy Jell-o hideaway
(from hpfreak200)

Dear Green Froggy Jell-o Hideaway,
Yes...and I'm going to have a talk with Sirius about how he's using that room....Don't go in there again. It will be booby trapped.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm hungry. Will you make me a sandwich?
-Sandwich Lover
(from Luck Fairy)

Dear Sandwich Lover,
No. To get to the kitchens, tickle the pear in the painting of fruit near the Great Hall.
Moony

Do you want Moony to answer your questions? Send them to room ten, boys dorms, third door on the left, and YOU might appear in Ask Moony!

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Notes: Thanks to Jade-chan for pointing out my mistakes with the html...I forgot the tag at the beginning of 3. I fixed that in 3 and 4.