Ask Moony

Notebook: I thought it would be two weeks, but it turns out I'm leaving Thursday instead of Tuesday. So you get a few more chapters. Enjoy. Thanks for all the questions!

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Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a crush on a boy. He has blond hair, brown eyes, and he's in Gryfindor. All my friends say he likes me to, but I don't know. He was willing to square dance with me when the Proffesors forced us to square dance at the ball, but I still don't know.
-A Gryfindor 1st year
(from kantomon)

Dear Gryffindor 1st Year,
Why don't you ask him?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Sirius keeps trying to snog with me. What do I do? I mean... one of his Best Friends has a huge crush on me. Why does he have to bother me? Is he doing it so I just might get so annoyed and go out with James? Gosh...oh yeah...SIRIUS, STAY AWAY FROM MY DORM!
-I need a restraining order
(from Mr. Padfoot)

Dear I need a restraining order,
I told Padfoot it wouldn't work. Are you Lily? Do you know how sickening it is to hear James saying, at 7:30 in the morning: "I wonder if she'll notice me today. Did you see her yesterday in Transfiguration sucking on her quill? It was a pineapple banana flavored sugar quill. I need to go buy pineapple banana flavored sugar quills. Maybe she'll notice me." You would be doing anything to get you two together, too.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Please prevent your friend Sirius from torturing us.
~The House Elves of Hogwarts

Dear House Elves,
I've tried. We've all tried. I think you should start putting things in his bed.
Moony

Dear Moony,
How am I supposed to get Sirius to notice me? All he does is point and laugh at me.
~Sirius hopeful

Dear Sirius Hopeful,
If he's pointing at you and laughing at you, he's noticing you.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm in love with this great guy. Problem is he's a suit of armor. What should I do?
~Metal is hot

Dear Metal is Hot,
You have problems. Go smack yourself with the suit of armor. Or get yoru friends to take a picture of you snogging a suit of armor...the embarrassment will help you real quick.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think my boyfriend might be PMSing. What should I do?
~Scared of PMSing Guys

Dear Scared of PMSing Guys,
Guys don't PMS. Thankfully. Maybe he's pregnant. Maybe he hates you.
Moony

Dear Moony,
What colors are in this year? I need help deciding what to wear next Hogsmeade visit.
~Fashion Victim

Dear Fashion Victim,
Doesn't Alice Remerta write a fashion advice column every week? What do I look like, a fashion designer?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think Ms. Norris is so hot! That sleek fur, that way her 4 paws move. What should I do?
~Loves Hot Felines

Dear Loves Hot Felines,
You have serious problems. Maybe you and that freak who love the suits of armor should get together for an inanimate object-slash-animal date.
Moony

Dear Moony,
What should I do? I think Dumbledore likes me. He keeps trying to get me alone somewhere private. And now that I think about it I love him too.
~In love with the Headmaster

Dear In love with the Headmaster,
It's all in your head. You're a feak. Go away.
Moony

Dear Moony,
The other day I was in Potions when Sirius made my potion explode.What can I do? I don't want to seem like I stink at potions! What will that hot potions master think of me now that I've failed one potion! I don't know what Sirius has against me! And can you get him to stop calling me a Slimy haired git?
~Pranked at Potions

Dear Pranked at Potions,
Are you really Snape? How did you get in the Gryffindor newspaper? Don't you have to go grease your hair or something? You are a freak. Go jump off a cliff.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I really hate the Slytherins, but ever since Malfoy wore that red dress and sang at our table, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him! What should I do?
~Loves Singing Guys in Dresses

Dear Loves Singing Guys in Dresses,
Maybe you're gay. Ever considered that?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Please let me borrow some, I need Underwear. PLEASE!
~Padfoot
(this and the ten previous questions by Ritsuka)

Dear Padfoot,
Stop terrorizing the House-Elves and maybe they'll wash your clothes. Maybe you can also try LOOKING IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER?? You know, not on the floor where you usually throw it?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think I'm in love with one of the teachers. Even though he's kinda short, I melt when ever he compliments by levitation charms. What should I do? Please help.
~Confused and in Love
(from thewyerwoman)

Dear Confused and in Love,
Why do all you people confess your secret disgusting, obscene crushes to me? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't want to know you had a crush on Flitwick? You should get together with the people who had crushes on Dumbledore, Mrs. Norris, suits of armor, and gay guys.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I feel sorry for you. All these girls writing in saying they have a crush on you even though you kep saying you're attached. Plus, a lot of people have really stupid questions, and Sirius keeps asking you for underwear. I'm suprised you haven't gone mad yet. Also, I'm afraid of Lucius Malfoy. I just think he's a creepy old bat...
-Concerned Girl
(from Elf Girl)

Dear Concerned Girl,
You understand! But anyone living with Sirius learns to put up with these things. I think that the world around me is mad but nobody's noticed it yet. Everyone's afraid of Lucius Malfoy. Well, not afraid, but grossed out by. And also, why are you writing a sympathy letter? I'm an advice columnist here, remember?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I've followed your advise to oh-so many questions and have gotten counseling. But now, I owe them more money than I have. Can you help me pay for them?
-Broke and Nuts
(from stuffed-snuffles)

Dear Broke and Nuts,
Do I look like Gringotts? My advice: invest in the stock market. I hear that the Nasdaq is really good right now...if you live in America.
Moony

Dear Moony,
You once told someone to do a memory charm (I can't remember who at the moment) and I tried it and...uh...er...darn, I forgot what I was going to say. Can you help me?
-Forgetting...er...yeah
(from stuffed-snuffles)

Dear Forgetting...er...yeah,
I think your memory charm backfired. You should smile and get an ice cream.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Do you get tired of me invading your column? But I do not see it as invading your column, I see it as... Well I don't know how I see it as, but what I do know is that you did steal the Frogs, you did it! I know you did! I WANT THE TRUTH!
-Padfoot
(from Lemon)

Dear Padfoot,
Like I said, yes. Stop invading my column, you have your own. I didn't steal the frogs. I like honey flavored chocoalte, you like raspberry. Nothing could be farther apart. Wormtail stole the frogs.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Someone is stealing all my underwear, and I think it could be Sirius. How do I get the bloody git out of my drawers?
-Helpless Underwear Wearer
(from onerios lykos)

Dear Helpless Underwear Wearer,
Probably is. Just put a locking charm on your underwear drawer.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Peeves is stalking me. He's glaring over my shoulder and laughing manically as I write this. HELP!
-Stalked by a Poltergist
(from onerios lykos)

Dear Stalked by a Poltergist,
Sorry about your luck. I didn't think his attention span was that long.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I did what you said. I put dung bombs on their bed. But then my hands got all smelly! And while I was washing my hands in the bathroom Moaning Myrtle started laughing at me. I'm still soaking wet from the toilet. And my dorm-mates aren't respecting me. They say I'm a snitch and a tattle-tale.
-Woe-Is-Me
(from LeperMessiah)

Dear Woe-Is-Me,
Yeah, you told me. Move to a new dorm room.
Moony

Dear Moony,
WHY DID YOU TELL THAT ONE PERSON TO ASK ME FOR A SPORK?!?!? THEY'RE ALL MINE I TELL YOU! Ok, James keeps stalking me in the library and I think he's starting to see through my threats of stabbing him repeatedly in the face with a ball-point pen while he sleeps. How can I get him to stop following me around?
-Lily
(from Hikari)

Dear Lily,
Really sorry. You can share one. Do you know how sickening it is to hear James saying, at 7:30 in the morning: "I wonder if she'll notice me today. Did you see her yesterday in Transfiguration sucking on her quill? It was a pineapple banana flavored sugar quill. I need to go buy pineapple banana flavored sugar quills. Maybe she'll notice me." You two should get together just to make my life bearable and free of obsessed Lily talk.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Styrofoam?! Why on EARTH would Sirius hate the squeak of styrofoam?! Is there some kind of messed-up story behind his extremely bizarre pet peeve? Also, how many items on Filch's infamous 'forbidden items list' are you, James, Sirius, and Peter personally accountable for? Anyway, I wanted to thank you for your advice on the thing with the Jell-o. We came up with something that we think will keep Sirius out of our dorm... Hope it works. Hehe... Oh, and between you and me, I was the one who told the house-elves to take Sirius's underwear. You know, as payback. They gladly obliged, as they were the ones who had the wonderful task of cleaning up all of the Jell-o.
-Wreaking revenge ... Formerly Fed up with Jell-o
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Wreaking Revenge,
Good for you! You rock! Nope, it just makes him...insane, if ya noticed. I think we're responsible for about three hundred and fifty one point seven of them. And between you and me, you did us all a favor. If only all my readers could solve their problems like you...
Moony

Dear Moony,
Argh...Sirius is annoying the hell outta me! He's putting charms that make me and James seem like a couple! He just charmed James to sing a couple of love songs to me this morning! Last song I heard sung by James was 'Lily and James sitting in a tree...' yadda yadda yadda! I just saw James' robes charmed pink with my name all over! Oh, and Sirius must stop turning my hair messy black...
-annoyed Gryffindor
(from angelicslayer230)

Dear annoyed Gryffindor,
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Do you know how sickening it is to hear James saying, at 7:30 in the morning: "I wonder if she'll notice me today. Did you see her yesterday in Transfiguration sucking on her quill? It was a pineapple banana flavored sugar quill. I need to go buy pineapple banana flavored sugar quills. Maybe she'll notice me." You two should get together just to make my life bearable and free of obsessed Lily talk.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I seem to have this obsession with hurting innocent people in brutal, malicious, and evil ways...but I LURVE IT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...what should I do? Also...will you go out with me? ^_^
-Evil PMS gurl
(from Vixenchick and Dragongrrl)

Dear Evil PMS gurl,
Go get some Midol. Talk to a girl. Why do girls with PMS keep bothering me?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I recently found out that my best friend & cousin is a werewolf. I haven't written back yet. I just have no idea what to tell her. I wish I knew what to say...
-wants to understand
(from Kiyoshi)

Dear Wants to Understand,
That's sweet. Just tell her comfortingly that you won't go around her on the full moon and you'll put flowers on her bedside table the morning after...and I don't mean after the wine.
Moony

Dear Moony,
For quite sometime now, I've been feeling rather lonely... And I feel isolated from my fellow students, however, when I see your face everything seems alright again, and the puzzle pieces, well fix themselves. I saw you last month. I know your secret! But haven't told anyone! So, how about it? Firewhisky and wine under the stars?
-Hopeless
(from Golden*Faerey)

Dear Hopeless,
Lots of people saw me last month. Good for you. I'll send you a picture. My secret? That picture of me and Sirius...? I swear, I can explain! And no. I'm attached, thanks.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was wondering if you could help me with some counseling. I have an odd obssesion with Jewish cowboys, hairless cats, rubberbands and bisexual elephants. Please help
~WeIrDo~
(from Under the moons Influence)

Dear WeIrDo,
Count to ten, take a deep breath, and jump off a cliff. Everything will be better.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Can I kill you? Or do I just need counseling?
-Psychotic
(from Kuro)

Dear Psychotic,
You need counseling. No, you can't kill me.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I turn into a howling screaming Murderous Monster every month. What should I do?
-Snoddi
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Snoddi,
I wasn't aware there were so many werewolves at Hogwarts. Note to self: avoid full moon....
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was informed by a robot with a shiny red vest that I have ADD. Am I dying?
-Gandhi
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Ghandi,
You do. And you are. Go back to your toilet.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My friend has ADD? Out of curiosity, can you catch it from toilet seats?
-curious
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Curious,
I don't know.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I desperatly need tampons but all the other girls only have pads. I asked my parents to owl me some but they keep sending me pads. I would use pads but they are uncomfortable. Then, when I woke up, there was a garland of tampons hanging around the common room. I think Sirius did it because he hates me. Can you mortally wound him? What should I do about my desperate need for tampons?
-tampon-less
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Tampon-less,
That was WAY too much information. I don't really care and please stop grossing me out with femine things.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Someone keeps threatening and tormenting me. He said that if I ask you for help he wil kill me. What should I... Argh...
-Dying to Write
(from Yllen)

Dear Dying to Write,
Sorry. Are you dead yet?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a serious problem, my friend has fallen in love with a boy that always wears long-sleeved shirts. I think something is wrong with him. How can I convince her (and I know you are not a girl)
-Knowing that you are not a girl
(from Yllen)

Dear Knowing that you are not a girl,
That made no sense. Go get a life.
Moony

Dear Moony,
All my friends seem to think I'm nuts! I have no idea why. Everyone in my dorm is afraid to go to sleep around me... and I haven't a clue why! They hide all things containing sugar and caffeine.. and still... I don't know why! Well that's about it. I think I'll go back and burn things for fun while I wait for this to be answered. ^_^ Oh... pretty fire.
-Hyper, clueless, pyromaniac.
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Hyper, clueless, pyromaniac,
Maybe because you burn things...? I don't know. Sirius is worse.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Ok, I did what you said, and now my sister keeps stealing my t-shirts. Yesterday I had to filch this really nice black one with a moon on the front of it from room 10, boys' dorms...what can I do?
-Shirt filcher
(from silver-sparklze)

Dear Shirt filcher,
You stole my t-shirt??? Why? I like that t-shirt! I suggest you tell your sister to bug off and give me my shirt back!
Moony

Dear Moony,
A big, black dog is always stealing my socks! What can I do about it?
Sockless in Gryffindor
(from Katie Black)

Dear Sockless in Gryffindor,
Don't worry about it, that dog has no underwear.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Can you help me think up of tortures and pranks?My last one is dressing up a boy who keeps on annoying me asleep in a dress and some make-ups, making a ramdom Slytherin boy wear a noen green monkey suit and dance like one in public,put a charm on a group of Slytherin girls saying "Quake" everytimes they hear their name and changing a certain house colour hot pink and bright green.Also, can I join the Marauders? Uh oh,I better go 'cause the same group of Slytherin girls are coming!
-Pranking and Torturing Queen of Griffindor
(from Pyrogirl123)

Dear Pranking and Torturing Queen of Gryffindor,
Nope. Sorry. Only if you marry one.
Moony

Dear Moony,
The girl I have a crush on hates me. And I truly love her. What's her problem?
Prongs
(at the request of Reluxi)

Dear Prongs,
I know. Remember? "I wonder if she'll notice me today. Did you see her yesterday in Transfiguration sucking on her quill? It was a pineapple banana flavored sugar quill. I need to go buy pineapple banana flavored sugar quills. Maybe she'll notice me." You said that. At 7:30 in the morning. Just...I dunno, go jump off a cliff together.
Moony

Dear Moony,
If a hippogriff is flying toward Hogwarts at twenty kilometers an hour, but gets caught in a downdraft and lands in the Shrieking Shack, causing the ghouls inside to escape into the school, wrecking havoc and stealing girls' underwear causing a war withint the castle between the Pantie Brigade and the Loud Mosquitos what colour socks would Sirius Black be wearing?
-Wouldn't You Like to Know
(from Deirdre of the Sorrows)

Dear Wouldn't You Like to Know,
That was random. Sirius always wears green socks. Don't ask me why. It's the only color he has.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think I'm being stalked. Everytime I'm going somewhere I heard footsteps, but when I stop, they've stopped. I keep seeing this person who looks remarkably like me floating in midair whenever I'm standing in front of windows.And they're always right in front of me when I'm in the bathroom, but I think they've got some kind of invisible shield in front of them because whenever I try to catch them, my hand hits something hard. What's going on?
-Terrified
(from Deirdre of the Sorrows)

Dear Terrified,
Maybe you're just a freak? Or a ghost?
Moony

Dear Moony,
THE SQUEAKING!! It won't stop! I was just going to give the girls some jell-o and...it...*twitch* SQUEAKED! Help me!
-Losing His Grip(Padfoot)
(from Deirdre of the Sorrows)

Dear Padfoot,
I told you not to put green Jell-O in their dorms.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Sirius is curled up in his bed in the fetal position and rocking back and forth, muttering about cups or something. It was funny for the first ten minutes, but it's getting old fast. How do we make him stop?
-Prongs
(from Deirdre of the Sorrows)

Dear Prongs,
Um...a good Memory charm.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm...writting to you...while running...Sirius...chasing me...something about...rats...and squeaks...how do I get...him to...stop?
-Wormtail
(from Deirdre of the Sorrows)

Dear Wormtail,
Sorry.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Remus! I figured out a secret about you and made a comment to James about it in a fight...he freaked out. [jeeze, its not that big a deal...well it kinda is, nevermind.] Well, anyway he kidnapped me, brought me to the dark forest and we started snogging. I managed to push him away, finally! Ugg...what is his infatuation with me, it's so annoying! Can you hook him up with someone else?? By the way, Sirius said something funny about you and told me not to tell. It was something along the lines of, 'Remus is always saying he's attached...to what a tree? the whomping willow??' Well, anyway he's annoying so I thought I'd tell you.
-Lily Evans

Dear Lily,
Um...too much information. Sorry. We've tried. I'm attached to Aladdin Niadra, the Ravenclaw Quidditch Chaser. Sirius is insane. You don't have to tell me, I live with him. I know.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Okay, I have two MAJOR problems! One is the fact that Sirius keeps stealing all my socks! It's really creeping me out... And the second problem is I'm writing this from inside a closet... I kinda locked myself in...
-Sock-less-and-locked-in-closet

Dear Sock-less-and-locked-in-closet,
Sorry. Sirius only wears green socks...your green socks, right? Get a house-elf to let you out.
Moony

Dear Moony,
People seem to prefer Bertie Bott's every flavor beans to me. What can I do to change this?
- A lonely chocolate frog

Dear Lonely Chocoalte Frog,
Don't worry, Sirius loves you.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My best friend is going bizerk, and wants to kill Sirius. It's a long story, but anyway, she's getting really scary (plotting Sirius's death and what not), and its freaking me out. Any suggestions on how to remove her homocidal tendencies?
-Mad at Sirius

Dear Mad at Sirius,
A good memory charm and counseling.
Moony

Do you want Moony to answer your questions? Send them to room ten, boys dorms, third door on the left, and YOU might appear in Ask Moony!

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Notes: Wow, Ritsuka, Deirdre of the Sorrows, super reviewers! You asked so many questions! You rock! You inspire me! Of course, all reviews inspire me because they make me feel loved. And this fic is entirely review-driven.