So You're a Masochist

So You're a Masochist: Ron Weasley's Unabridged Guide to Being a Sidekick

By: Ronald B. Weasley (otherwise known as Ron, Bill's/Charlie's/Percy's/Fred and George's little brother, Harry Potter's best mate, Roonil Wazlib, 'That tall bloke with the red hair'...'Who, that one?'...'Yeah.'); Order of Merlin, First Class; Assistant Arse-Kicker to the Boy Who Lived.

Experiences, Life-Threatening Situations, and Really Bloody Annoying Commentary provided by the rash schemes and prophesied fate of Mr. Harry J. Potter (Order of Merlin, First Class; Chosen One; Boy Who Lived; Witch Weekly's 'Sexiest Bachelor').

Spell Checking courtesy of Hermione Granger (Order of Merlin, First Class; Resident Genius) - yes, thank you, Hermione...can I get on with it now?

~*~

Hi.

Blimey, that was absolute rubbish, wasn't it? Let me give that another go. (Stop laughing, Harry!)

Hello, I'm Ron Weasley (if you couldn't tell by the lengthy bit above - unless you're like me, which means you probably skipped that part): dashing good looks, brilliant marks, lusted after by all the birds... Ha, I wish (that sounds more like my brother, Bill - he landed a bleeding Veela, for Merlin's sake). You might've heard of me - I helped save the world recently (if that jogs your memory at all).

I was inspired to write this manual when, one day, I was really, really bored (Charlie suggested it; I think he might've been kidding but there you go).

My friends are behind me right now, and not in the figurative, 'we support you completely, Ron' way (well, maybe that as well), it's more like in the 'we're just going to have a good lean over the back of your chair to see what you're writing' kind of way.

I said it was just a bit of paperwork. Hermione didn't believe me, as she has brain cells.

Sorry, got a bit off-track there, didn't I?

Obviously, as you've probably worked out from the title (located on the front, spine, and first page of the volume - all in large, easy-to-read print), this book is a how-to guide, specifically, on being a sidekick. I originally wanted to call it 'So You've Got a Death Wish' but apparently that title's already been taken by a book on the training of your new pet hamster.

My qualifications for instructing the delicate art of hero henchman-ship (in case you were wondering and/or live in a cave and thus don't know of me already) include being best mates with Harry Potter, breaking every Hogwarts rule short of murder and wearing non-school regulation footwear, being roommates with Harry Potter, tracking down a bunch of famed magical items and places (Chamber of Secrets, anyone?), being close friends with Harry Potter... oh, yeah, and contributing to the defeat of You-Know-Who. That's one hell of a resumé (if I do say so myself - which I just did, I heard me... as did the rest of the room, apparently).

Now that the introductions are out of the way, we can get on to more important stuff, like food - no, book, Ron, book! Ahem.

Anyway, if you're reading this book (which, for the sake of my brain, I'm going to assume you are), than either you're related to me, got this as a crummy birthday gift (I'm genuinely sorry if this is true, I really am), are in History of Magic (and are thus bored to the end of your wits), or the best mate of a hero/savior of the world/Chosen One/overall adrenaline whore.

If the last one applies to you, then congratulations, you've picked up the right book for the task (though it's apparently quite informative - according to Hermione, that is, seeing as she's the only one who's ever read it - Hogwarts, a History doesn't really cover this sort of thing... I think). Also, you have my deepest sympathies.

What d'you mean, Ron? We've had loads of fun - zip it, Harry; I'm trying to write a bloody book!

See? Heroes aren't all what they're cracked up to be; sometimes they're a right pain in the - okay, okay! Sorry, Harry... diva.

Before I tell you what to expect - which is kind of the reason I'm writing this book - I'm going to warn you about what you shouldn't. That is, don't get your hopes up for a danger-free existence, a believable 'I haven't done anything, I promise' look, a semblance of a normal life, or instant (or any) popularity with those of the female persuasion. (Ouch, I just got smacked for that one - yes, Hermione, I do know you're a girl... Merlin).

That all may sound very glamorous and enticing (if you're extraordinarily dim or naïve), but before you move on to the rest of this introduction, you need to do some deep self-assessment. Think, is it at all likely that you would ever take issue with: a) being insanely jealous; b) feeling like a dunce, and often; c) any sort of bodily harm; d) thinking the quest you're on is progressing much too slowly; or e) being forgotten?

If you said 'yes', 'um, I guess so', groaned, or lied to yourself about any of the above, then I don't recommend signing up for the job. It's a lifetime commitment. Seriously, I can't get rid of the bloke now... he's always around. I live at your house, you git - shut it, Harry.

WARNING: If you decide to completely disregard my above advice to plow forward with it and in the near future find yourself miserable and failing spectacularly, don't get hacked off with me; I did warn you.

Moving on...

If you said 'no' with completely honesty, then well done: you've got the makings of a sidekick. Quick: go brag to all your friends, your parents, your owl, that bloke at the fish and chips stand: today's the first day of the rest of your villain-vanquishing, corruption-crushing, evil-expunging, annoyingly-alliterated life! I hope you're prepared... oh wait, that's my job, isn't it?

Well, it helps if you're a laugh - I mean, you can't just be absurdly good looking (How'd you get the job then? - Oi, Potter, you're running on my last nerve now, I mean it.) I suppose someone like Percy could do it, but who'd want to hang around him for an extended period of time?

I didn't think so.

Oh yeah, and don't get me wrong; Harry and Hermione both have a decent sense of humor, but usually Harry's preoccupied with brooding or saving the world, and Hermione's too busy being... well, Hermione. (Another smack! This book's going to be the death of me.)

So, if you reckon you're tough, funny, and good-looking enough - or, like me, if you've already succumbed to the self-destructive urge with being best mates with a hero and thus have very little choice in the matter, then this book is as much of a must-have item for you as a stylish monochrome wardrobe is for a Death Eater (after all, black does go with everything... or at least, that's what Ginny's told me; I don't pretend to be a expert on fashion).

In this book, which - as I've just said - you need, as well as in my brain, the source of all my knowledge-y bits, I've got more tips and tricks of the trade than Malfoy has got hair products. All of these I've accumulated over my long career in sidekicking (not hair products, mind, I don't go for that sort of thing).

Likewise, as I'm a dreadful liar (for example, I've been known to call myself Stan Shunpike in crisis situations) and partially 'cause I just can't be fussed to make something up, the entire contents of this book will be drawn from a stockpile of my own experiences (not in calling myself Stan Shunpike, of course - believe me, that doesn't require a book of instruction... perhaps a brief pamphlet).

In conclusion - er, sort of, as this is only the beginning of the book - my indispensable wisdom (stop bloody laughing!) should hopefully be applicable to your life in a useful way.

Actually, nah, I wouldn't wish what we had to do on anyone; nobody should have to eat mushrooms for that long.

...Hermione'd go spare if she read that, hold on a tic... Okay, good, she hasn't seen -

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MUSHROOMS, RON?

Erm... never mind then.

Well, that was the (lousy) introduction to my (considerably less lousy... I hope - I haven't quite written it yet, you see) book, and now that it's done, I finally get to go to lunch. I'm bloody starving.

I've honestly no idea why I told you that.

Well, I guess I'll see you - er, write you - in a bit. Wait, all you have to do is turn the page, don't you? ... Just forget this part, okay?

WHY ARE YOU TWO LAUGHING?

~*~