Hope for a Cure

I can't believe how senile I'm growing. I was supposed to write this journal to report on my condition but all I do is reminisce about the past like a silly old woman. Okay, so I have lost five more pounds in the last week, have felt dizzy five times today, and couldn't remember Slytherin's first name today when I was trying to insult Draco. And to top it all off, I forgot what the insult was, I was so shocked at my lapse!

Draco is really getting on my nerves; he's such a show off. I swear some of the things he gets up to in class... but at least he's no Snape. Sure he plays favourites- everyone does though, really, when you get down to it you take off less house points from your house, give less to students of other houses- it's just human nature, but Snape really was unfair to a lot of people, and Draco isn't. Not that he's perfect- the other day he took off five points from Gryffindor because a third year was whistling in the hallway. Whistling! He was ticked off because I took off ten points from Eric Russel for being a git. Well, I said it was for hexing poor Miranda Ewes, but everyone knew it was for being a git. Really, sometimes I think that these teenagers need to be saved from themselves. I know there are a lot of stupid mistakes I wish I hadn't made when I was their age. I wish I had killed Ernie MacMillian when I got the chance, for example; that would have saved alot of heartbreak. Then, again, I can hardly go around advising my students to kill people they think are vaguely annoying just in case they end up topping off your friend. I mean, that's too much isn't it?

Other than that, though, my condition is pretty stable. Well, I think it is. I think the number of concerned looks Draco has been giving me are increasing, and he's always asking me really personal questions about my health, allegedly so he can make a potion to heal me, but really, I think, so he can have a private snigger about the frequency of my bowel movements. When I looked shocked about him asking me the question he asked me if we were adult or children, which is a really stupid question, since he knows that I claim to anyone who will pay attention that he never grew up.

I got a nice thank you owl from Arthur today, for the birthday present I sent him. He said he was really sad that I didn't come to his party, but he understood that I'm not doing well and I had to go see the doctor. I guess Harry didn't tell him that I feinted in my room and only woke up after the party was over. I was pretty upset about it- I had really been looking forward to that party. Arthur is such a funny, dignified child. I love all of Harry and Ginny's children, but Sophia is my god daughter, and I like to think she's like me. Lily got all the flair, the green eyes and red hair, Arthur is so cute and nice and biddable, but Sophia is always the one in the background, reading a book, thinking up something. Harry says she really loves going to Hogwarts, and keeps asking him and Ginny tons of questions about different spells and things, and studies all during her breaks; and Lily is more interested in her social prospects- she's always talking about clothes and things and Harry says he doesn't know where she gets it from- Ginny scowled when he said this and asked if she were really so fashionless, and then he had to pout until she forgave them. Really, they are the nicest (most annoying to be around) couple.

Which reminds me of something that terrible Bernard Wasp said to me today- really that child is the most irritating student I have ever had; not even Draco likes him, and Draco has horrible taste in students. He liked Rasputin Zambini, for gods sake, and he couldn't find his way out of a paper bag. And Morgana Finnigan- that girl was just pure trouble bottled. It wasn't even intentional trouble, which I could understand. It was as if calamity stalked her.

I don't know how I keep going off on these tangents- my mind seems to spin in hundreds of different directions and it's pure luck if I end up going in the right one. I'm beginning to understand other people better- how do people live like this their whole lives? Its a miracle they get anything done, ever. I'm really beginning to understand Ron, which is pathetic, seeing as he's been dead for twenty-eight years and I've been, well, waiting for him to come back all that time, which really just makes me a sad old maid, still carrying a torch for someone she's never going to see again. I know he's not coming back, even if people sometimes act like I'm out of my mind to still be hankering after him, it's just, I mean, Ron was really, really not perfect, right? But he was perfect for me. He was stupid and thick and, well, wrong a lot, but no one has ever made me feel the way he did. I tried dating other people for a while and it was as if Ron's ghost was more real than they were. And eventually I realized that I would never meet anyone who could prove themselves better than a ghost. So I stopped trying.