All Or Nothing

Chapter Eight. Darkest Hour

Smoke. Chaos. Screams. Bursts of light.

That was the craziness that had filled the barren streets of Hogsmeade. The stench of death was as acrid as the underlying layer of fear.

When all was said and done, the war was won; but the price had been high. Everybody stepped up and did their part. Harry saved them all with his quick thinking and ultimately ridding them of the terror that haunted their lives for too many years.

Many others sacrificed their lives for the cause. It hurt Luna to think of all the loss that happened that night.

She was currently sitting alone in her dormitory, in the dark. Neville was in the Infirmary, suffering from some rather severe injuries, but nothing he wouldn't recover from. She herself had a deep gash on her forehead and ghastly-looking burn on her leg.

Amazingly enough, she wasn't able to feel any of the physical pain as anything more than a slight irritation. It was the pain she felt inside, the one in her heart, that was eating her alive.

Draco was dead. Dead, dead, dead...

It was the only cohesive thought in her head. The only one that registered in her head at all. The fact that the war was finally over; that everything could go back to normal; that finals were over and she could actually live on her own with her wonderful boyfriend that she wasn't in love with; none of it mattered.

Dead, dead, dead...

Why was it that a night that should have been so relieving ended up being so horrible instead. Why was it that on the night that Draco redeemed himself, he died? Who decided the order of things in life, anyway?

Dead, dead, dead...

Draco had showed up after years in hiding, and started fighting Death Eaters. Then, an unknown spell had hit him and he vanished. Simply vanished. Where his body landed was unclear because of all the smoke in the air, but the green light that hit him squarely in the chest was unmistakable. He was gone from her life. For good this time.

Dead, dead dead...

While in the midst of deep thought, Luna was barely able to register a quiet tap on the door. She shook her head to try and clear her mind, stood up, and answered the door. She was actually surprised to see Ginny stganding in the small corridor.

"What are you doing here," she asked, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears. For one thing, it was very hoarse from all the yelling and screaming, and also from hours of disuse. And in fact there had only been one voice running on her head for hours on end, replaying years of memories of him.

"I was going to ask you the same thing," Ginny replied.

"Why?" Luna asked. She really was not in the mood to talk to anyone at that moment, and was irritated at the intrusion. She was only, after all, allowing herself this one night to mourn. It was the same amount of time she had given herself for her beloved mother.

"What do you mean, 'why'? Neville's waiting for you. He woke up around ten minutes and wondered where you were. Oh, and I believe congradulations are in order. Why didn't you tell me! I'm so happy for you! Despite all the sadness, everything's turning out to be right again," Ginny said in a rush and threw her arms around Luna.

Overwhelmed, Luna could only stand with her arms hanging loosely by her side. She was having a hard time keeping up with everything with Ginny was saying.

"How did you even get in here?" She asked her.

"Oh, the Scholar let me in," she said airily. Ginny let her go and swept into her dark room.

"Really? But he would never let anyone in without a password..."

"Luna, what's the big deal? I guess that was his way of celebrating the end of the war. Why are you sitting here alone in the dark?" She waved her wand and the room immediately lit up. It was very harsh on Luna's eyes and actually put her in a worse mood.

Extremely aggrivated, Luna finally snapped, "Can you just get the hell out my room! Don't you see I don't want to be bloody bothered!"

While Ginny was staring at her, dumbfounded, Luna snatched her wand out her hand, dimmed the lights again and flopped on her bed.

It felt really good to get her frustration off her chest. To be honest, Luna rarely ever lost her cool. She was generally a very calm person and enjoyed the tranquility of her life. It also meant that when bad things happened, she had a hard time getting her emotions out. She usually didn't let things get to her, and when they did she didn't always know how to handle them.

"What's your damned problem, Luna? There's no reason for you to be like this! Neville's fine, we all lived. I know the deaths were horrible, but it was nobody we personally knew."

If she only realized what she was saying. If she only realized that each word she spoke was like a knife twisting in her gut. But Ginny wasn't the one with loss on her shoulders. Her family had survived, her family had survived and her love had survived.

Luna knew she was being selfish. She knew she had a lot compared to most. But Draco was more than her friend, more than her brother, more than her love. He was all three in one. And that's what made his death so horrible.

Dead, dead, dead...

"Just go away. If I want to be alone, than that's my right."

Luna felt Ginny move closer to her and then bed sag with her weight as she sat down. Her hand tentatively rested on her shoulder. Luna immediately tensed at her touch.

"I think I know what this is about?"

"What?" Luna asked and sighed. She couldn't possibly know, and it annoyed her that Ginny would even try to guess.

"Neville," she said simply. "It scared you that he nearly died tonight. I know the feeling. I love Harry and I don't know how I could have gone on tonight if he had died. But he lived. They both lived. And the world is better because of our heroes."

"But I don't love him," Luna blurted. There. She had said it.

"What?" Ginny asked in a shocked whisper and withdrawing her hand from her shoulder.

Luna sat up and felt tears start to sting her eyes. Great, now I'm crying.

"I mean, of course I love Neville. I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't."

"But you're not in love with him? I don't understand. I thought Neville was everything you wanted?"

"Well, he's not! He's everything I settled for and nothing I wanted. He made me feel good and he takes good care of me. But I want more."

"What more is there?" Ginny asked, shaking her head in confusion. Even in the dark she could sense Ginny's utter confusion.

Luna sighed and said, "I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell and I don't want you to react."

"Um...okay, I guess. How horrible is this going to be?"

"I'm in love with Draco," Luna said before she could change her mind. In a way it was a major relief to finally say it aloud. And then again, how would Ginny judge her?

"I need light for this," Ginny muttered and waved her wand, filling the room with light once more. Luna shielded her eyes and waited for them to adjust before taking her hand down.

"Now come again."

"You heard me, and don't make me repeat it."

"How?" Ginny gasped.

Luna explained to her the story of how they met and the way their friendship evolved. She told her everything and left nothing out. To Ginny's credit, she reacted in all the right places of the story.

"Well," Ginny said when Luna was done talking. "I guess that explains a lot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she said, putting her hand on Luna's cheek and caressing it. "Like why you want to be alone right now. I'm so sorry."

"Me too," Luna whispered, a tear finally escaping down her cheek.

"He died a hero too, you know. I saw him fighting there for awhile before he was hit. On our side. I don't know what changed him, but I think for one moment he was good.

"Good," Luna echoed. She could believe it of him. Spoiled brat he may be, selfish, arrogant, cold he may be. But good was he also.

"You have to choose, though. You know that, right?"

"I know. I can't marry him loving another. I have to love him fully or not at all. I love him, I truly do. But not as I should."

"But can you live alone your whole life, always remembering what was?"

Luna shrugged. She honestly didn't know what to do.

"At least go see him. He wants to see you, and he deserves that much. You have a lot of thinking to do, but not just yet. You have a fiance to see."

She would see him she would talk to him and console him. She would be almost everything he needed. But she wouldn't - couldn't - love him.