That '70s Hogwarts

That 70s Hogwarts

Hangin' out

In the dungeon

Gonna smoke

A little gungeon

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

"Psst, James, look," said Sirius Black one day, holding up a bag full of green leaves.

"What the HELL?" James hissed. "Where did you get that?"

"Our illustrious Potions Master had it hidden in his private stores," said Sirius with a smirk on his face. "Let's go down to the dungeons and see how good this stuff is."

Peter Pettigrew, who has been watching, said, "I want to go too."

James and Sirius looked at each other, and then Sirius said, "Sure, Peter, just grab your invisibility cloak and follow us. This is going to be great!"

The boys crept down the halls and downstairs until they reached the blackness of the dungeons. "Lumos," James whispered.

The boys followed the silver thread of light to one of the unused dungeon classrooms.

"We're going to need parchment, or a cauldron, or something," said James.

"No problem," said Sirius, spotting an old cauldron in the corner. The boys pulled it out and put it over one of the pits in the middle of the room. They lit a fire under it, and Sirius dumped in the weed.

"Damn, Padfoot, you didn't have to put in the whole kilo," hissed James.

"Why not?" asked Sirius.

James couldn't think of a good reason why not, because already the fumes were going to his head.

Soon Remus arrived. He was doing his usual midnight rounds of the castle when he smelled the gunge. He saw his three friends sitting cross-legged around a large cauldron, a haze of smoke enveloping everything.

"Are you three insane? You could be expell-" cried Remus, but before he could finish his friends Padfoot and Prongs had twisted his arms behind his back and put his face down into the cauldron. He held his breath as long as he could, but soon he was gasping in the smoke.

"Uhh," said Remus as the boys sat him down on the floor in their little circle. He looked at Wormtail and said, 'Hiiiii."

"Me, too," slurred Wormtail.

Just then a greasy-haired, dark-eyed, skinny boy with an unusually large nose appeared at the door.

"Aha!" he cried. "Finally. There's no way you can get out of this one." He pulled out his wand. "And if you will follow me-"

"Expellerarmus!" cried James. Then Sirius and James grabbed the boy and pushed his head down into the cauldron. After a few minutes the boy went limp and was deposited on the floor between Wormtail and Moony.

"I wonder who else will show up?" said Sirius, at this point slurring a bit himself.

"A vision of loveliness," said James, his eyes big, staring at the figure in the doorway, his mouth open.

"What do you boys think you are doing?" cried Lily. "Remus, you should be ashamed. You're a prefect!" That's when she noticed the black-eyed, black-haired boy and how he was rocking back and forth, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. "And what have you done to Severus?"

"Nothing," answered Sirius, leering. "Do you think we should?"

"Severus," said Lily, sprinting over to check on the gangly guy. "Severus, are you all right?" she said, slapping his cheek.

His eyes refocussed and he glared at the girl.

"You pushed his head down in THAT-" she cried, pointing accusingly at the smoking cauldron in the middle of the circle.

"So? We pushed Remus's head into it too," said Sirius.

"And I'm all right," answered Remus vaguely.

"Obviously not as long as you did Severus's."

"Well, it took a long time to dislodge that stick from his backside," James said.

"That, James, is an image I did not need," answered Lily sharply, deliberately sitting down next to Severus.

"Why do you keep defending that greasy git?" complained James. "I mean, he's an evil twit."

"Really? And what proof do you have of that?"

"Well, Lily, my dear," said Sirius, "We really don't need proof. I mean, look at him!"

Sirius and James collapsed on each other with a case of the giggles.

"You two are high," accused Lily.

"Yeah, and we plan to get even higher, don't we, Wormtail?" said Sirius. Wormtail nodded slightly, his eyes fixed on the wall behind them.

Lily was beginning to feel the effects of the pot herself. She looked in Severus's face.

"Are his eyes dialated? You can't ever tell, they're so dark," she said and started to giggle. "Severus, you have beautiful eyes."

"Yeah, 's a shame the rest of him's so ugly," said Sirius, and the two began giggling anew.

"I don't think he's ugly," slurred Lily. Severus looked at her incredulously. "And ever since fifth year he's had the most beautiful voice. Talk to me, Sevvy," she said, giggling.

"Get off me, Mudblood," Severus slurred.

"Ooh, even his insults sound sexy!" said Lily. "I wonder if he tastes as good as he talks.

Severus's eyes went round as dinner plates as Lily clumsily planted her mouth on his. At first he tried to pull away, but then they fell into a deep kiss, and his arms snaked around the girl.

"EWWWW!" said James. "Stop, that, Lily!"

"Hey, free show," giggled Sirius. Peter started giggling at that, too.

"Geroff him!" slurred James.

Lily broke off the kiss. Severus looked disappointed.

"Maybe if you learned how to act you'd get kissed too," she said petulently.

"Hey, I can get any girl in this school to kiss me. I'm Quidditch champion," said James.

"Maybe," said Lily, "Except one." She fell back into Severus's arms.

Severus was too far gone to make a biting reply. She may be a mudblood, but she's hot, and she's doing to me what she won't do to James. He smiled lazily at his rival.

James got up. "I'm going to kill you, Snivellous," he slurred, swinging a fist into the air and falling down on the dungeon floor.

Just then another figure appeared suddenly out of nowhere. Dumbledore had been sitting in front of the cauldron, invisible, all along. Lily broke away from Severus, and the others sat up, dumbfounded, mouths open. They knew they were going to be expelled.

"Ahh, I see you found our Potions Master's secret stash," he said. "He always did like good stuff. It's good for aches and pains, you see." Dumbledore jumped up with the agility of the young. "Well, it seems I will have to expel you all, but most likely I won't have any memory of this in the morning." Despite his slightly slurred speech his blue eyes twinkled. "Now go back to your dorms. Good night." With that Dumbledore left.