Hungarian Phrasebook

Potions class.

A Hungarian transfer student from Durmstrang named Fodor raises his hand to ask Professor Snape a question. After half an hour the professor becomes extremely annoyed and calls on Mr. Fodor. The student reads haltingly from a phrase book.

Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

Snape: "I beg your pardon?"

Fodor: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

Snape: "Before making such idiotic declarations you should look around at where you are. This is Potions class."

Fodor: "Ah! I will not buy this *Potions class *, it is scratched."

Snape: "Are you a fool, Mr. Fodor? What you are holding in your hand is a wand."

Fodor: "Ya! Vwand! Ya! Uh ... my hovercraft is full of eels."

Snape: (narrows eyes) "You had better start making sense soon or you WILL receive detention."

Fodor: "My hovercraft ..." (pantomimes waving the wand) "... is full of eels." (pretends to perform a spell)

Snape: "Ahh,yes! And I sure you know that I laid down the rule at the BEGINNING of this class that there shall be no foolish wand-waving?"

Fodor: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant ... do you waaaaaant ... to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?"

Snape: (looks furious) "Ten points from Gryffindor, and detention, Mr. Fodor."

Fodor: "You great poof."

Snape: (gets quiet) "Nobody talks to me that way - twenty points from Gryffindor and another detention!"

Fodor: "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I ... I am no longer infected."

(The Slytherins start snickering as Fodor speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)

Snape glides to Fodor's table, facing him down.

Snape:(in a silky, dangerous voice) "What's going on here then?"

Fodor: "Ah. You have beautiful thighs."

All the students, Gryffindor and Slytherin, look over their desks to see Snape's thighs. He instinctively closes his robes.

Snape: "WHAT?!?"

Fodor: "Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime."

Snape: "That's it! We are going to Professor Dumbledore's office to have you expelled NOW!!!" (he drags the boy down the hall)

Hungarian: (indignantly) "My nipples explode with delight!"

Scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except Fred, George and Wizard Peace Officer.

Bailiff: "Call Fred and George Weasley!" (voices of ghosts sing out the name several times)

Fudge: "Oh, shut up!"

Bailiff: (to Fred) "You are Fred Weasley?"

Fred: No, he is.

Baliff: (to George) "You are Fred Weasley?"

Fred: "No, I'm just pulling your leg, I'm Fred."

Fudge: "Contempt of court!" (bangs his gavel. Fred is dragged away.)

Baliff:: Are you George Weasley

George: "Oh, I am..." (in a singsong voice.)

Bailiff: "Skip the impersonations. You are George Weasley?"

George: "I am."

Bailiff: "You are hereby charged that on the twenty-eighth day of May you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?"

George: "Not guilty."

Bailiff: "You live at Forty-Six Diagon Alley?"

George: "I do live at Forty-Six Diagon Alley."

Bailiff: "You and your brother are the owners of a joke shop?"

George: "I and my brother are the owners of a joke shop."

Bailiff: "Your company publishes phrase books?"

George: "My company does publish phrase books."

Bailiff: "You did say Forty-Six Diagon Alley, did you?"

George: "I did say Forty-Six Diagon Alley."

George smiles at the disappointed bailiff and lawyer, thinking you didn't expect me to fall for that one, did you?

Fudge: "Get on with it, get on with it."

Bailiff: "That's fine. On the twenty-eighthth of May, you published this phrase book."

George: "I did."

Bailiff: "I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning 'Can you direct me to the station?' is translated by the English phrase, 'Please fondle my bum.'"

George: (choking back a laugh) "I wish to plead incompetence."

Cop: (stands) "Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?"

Fudge: "An adjournment? Certainly not!"

The cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.

Fudge: "Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?"

Cop: "I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord."

Cut to ancient footage of old witches applauding.

Fudge: (banging and swinging gavel) "If there's any more stock film of witches applauding, I'll clear the court."

(It turns out that Fred and George are innocent because it was their intention to publish a joke phrasebook; the publication data says Weasley Wizard Wheezes Novelty Press. George pays Fred's bail, and they go home.)