Unbalanced Equations

I went home again the following weekend, although I did feel a bit guilty about it. Of course, I would still have felt guilty had I stayed at school. I seemed to be spending far less time and energy on my classes and students than I ever had before. It was hard to concentrate on school when all I could think of was that my father was ill, Remus was desperate for a new job, and they both needed me.

I was also under a great deal of anxiety every time I went outside, even on school grounds. Severus had insisted that I tell Dumbledore about Macnair, and the headmaster had assured me that the wards and enchantments that protected the school and students would keep me safe as well. I wanted to believe him, but it was hard to relax; I really didn't think I'd be lucky enough to escape from Macnair again.

Glad to be home, I passed a quiet evening with my family. I lounged on the sofa reading a book while Remus and my father played chess. After a while I realized that I had been staring at the same page for a very long time without actually understanding it and gave up. I rested the open book on my stomach and closed my eyes. As if from very far away, I heard Mina telling Remus what move to make next and my dad trying to coerce him into doing something else entirely. I dozed, feeling very warm and at peace.

I was floating. On a soft, comfortable, fluffy cloud. Drifting. Sleeping. Relaxed.

I was alone. Surrounded by shadows. Cold. Chaos. Fear.

I was falling. Plummeting through endless dark. Pursued. Lost. Alone.

I screamed and sat up abruptly, knocking my book onto the floor. Remus and my father were looking at me, concerned.

"Sorry," I murmured, picking up the book. "I fell asleep and dropped it. It startled me. I think I should go to bed."

"Sleep well, love," my father said as I dropped goodnight kisses on the tops of his and Remus' heads.

"Yes, sleep well." Remus gave me a worried smile as he squeezed my hand. I hoped he wouldn't wait too long before joining me.

I went upstairs and curled up in my bed. Not wanting to be alone in the dark, I left the lamp on while I waited for Remus. I didn't expect to fall asleep, but I must have because Remus kissing me lightly on the forehead woke me. "Go back to sleep," he said. "I just wanted to make sure you were all right. You had a nightmare earlier, didn't you?"

I shivered. "How could you tell? I thought I'd hidden it so well." I smiled weakly.

He didn't smile back. "You screamed before the book hit the floor and your hands were trembling when you kissed me goodnight."

"You're so observant." I forced a laugh and slid over in the bed to make room for him. "At least I know I'll get some sleep tonight."

"Oh?" He winked at me roguishly as he joined me under the covers. "What makes you think I'll let you sleep?"

I laughed for real this time. "Because you are so very concerned about me, remember?" I felt most of my tension melt away as I nestled comfortably against him. "Besides, I always sleep better with you beside me."

"So do I." He held me tightly. "I hate that you're under so much stress, and I can't help thinking that at least some of it is my fault. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Remus. I worry about my father, and about the shop, and about my students. I don't worry as much about you as I used to. I know you're safe here, and that Mina is keeping you well fed, and that you're warm at night." I didn't mention that I worried for myself now, as I was terrified of being attacked by a vengeful Death Eater every time I stepped outside. "I especially like knowing that you'll be here to keep me warm at night."

"I love keeping you warm," he murmured, his hands wandering over me as he nuzzled my neck. I quickly pulled off my nightgown to allow him full access. I was not about to allow a night with Remus to go to waste, no matter how tired I might be.

I was quite lost in his kisses and his touch when I was suddenly jolted back to reality by a harsh voice that was not Remus'. "Ahem. Excuse me."

"Damn it, Padfoot," Remus gasped. He rolled away from me and sat up, blocking me from Sirius' view.

"Hi, Sirius," I didn't get up, but peered around Remus to greet the head in the fireplace. I was surprised and pleased to see him, even if his timing left something to be desired. "How are you?"

"I'm all right. A bit rushed, to tell you the truth. I only have this fire for a few more minutes, but I wanted to check in with Moony." He grinned, watching "Moony" retrieve the duvet from the floor to cover me. "Looks like all is well in this room at least. Everyone else is asleep," he sniggered.

"Yes, we're fine." Recovering from his initial shock and annoyance at having been interrupted at such a moment, Remus seemed glad to see his friend. "You're looking much improved from the last time we saw you."

I wrapped the duvet around myself and sat up. "You're safe and well?" I asked. He certainly looked better than he had when I'd left him in Professor Flitwick's office to either escape or face the dementor's kiss.

"Yes, yes. I'm better than I've been in years. But I don't really want to talk about me. I was just speaking to Harry, and he's terrified over this first task coming up. Did you know he has to face a dragon?"

"A dragon!" Remus exclaimed. "Anna, did you know there would be dragons? I thought Dumbledore told you that the tasks wouldn't be too dangerous?"

"Dumbledore told me that the tasks would be supervised; he never said they would be completely safe." I thought about it for a moment. "Hagrid did mention something about dragons, but I was on my way out and I wasn't really paying attention."

"You'll be there at the Tournament, Anna?" Sirius asked anxiously.

"Of course," I answered, trying to sound soothing. "Don't know how much help I'd be if there's trouble, though."

Remus squeezed my hand. "You'll know to be watchful of things other people aren't looking for, so you can let Moody or Dumbledore know if you see anything that could be dangerous."

"I'm glad you'll be there to keep an eye out, at least. That's a lot." Sirius sighed. "I wish I could travel more quickly, but the Ministry will know if I Apparate or travel through the Floo Network. And I can't even get any Muggle money to travel their way. I probably won't get anywhere near Hogwarts until well after Christmas."

"Why don't we-" I started, but Sirius cut me off.

"They're back," he said in a hushed voice. "See you soon." With a loud pop he was gone.

"I wish we could contact him," I sighed. "I was just about to suggest that we send him some Muggle money. It's easy for us to get, and he'd be able to travel so much faster."

Remus shook his head thoughtfully. "He wouldn't take it. It might be linked to you, and he wouldn't put you in danger that way." He smiled and touched my cheek. "He knows I wouldn't let him."

"I want to help him." I sighed, knowing I should let it go but not quite able to.

"You can't save all of us, sweetheart," Remus said quietly, lifting my chin so that I was looking him in the eye. "I need you, but Sirius will be all right on his own."

"You don't need me, Remus. You took care of yourself for a long time before you even met me."

"Maybe, but I'd forgotten what it was like to have someone to share things with, and how much better the world is when you aren't in it all alone. I do need you."

"I'm glad," I whispered. "I couldn't bear to be without you."

"No worries on that account. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed me. "Now, where were we before we were interrupted by that rude old dog?"

"Here." I pointed and his mouth followed my finger. "No, wait. There."

He continued to kiss me where indicated until we were both very in touch with our animal instincts.

"Anna?" Remus muttered into my neck a long while later.

"Hmm?" I sleepily snuggled closer to him.

"Nothing. Good night."

"G'night," I murmured, wondering what he had been about to say but too drowsy to press him. I would have to remember to ask him in the morning.

*****

At Hogwarts on Monday afternoon, I was extremely restless. I couldn't stand to stay inside for another second so I took advantage of a break in the rain to go for a short walk. I didn't plan to go far enough to put myself in any danger; surely Macnair couldn't be lurking everywhere.

I was lost in thought as I walked along the lakeshore. All weekend, Remus had seemed on the brink of telling me something; I had no clue what it might be, but it bothered me. The last time he had withheld something from me it had been the fact that Sirius was an Animagus. That incident had ended with more than one person's life in danger and Remus leaving Hogwarts. So obviously, it troubled me that he might be concealing something.

"Anna! Anna Vector!" I turned to see a shock of bright red hair atop a freckled face split in two by a broad grin.

"Charlie Weasley!" I gasped, partly in astonishment and partly because he was squeezing the breath out of me with his enthusiastic embrace. "What a fantastic surprise. What brings you to Hogwarts?"

He set me back on my feet. "The Tournament. Didn't you know? I thought Hagrid would have dragged you out to see by now."

"Oh, right. Dragons. Hagrid did mention them, but he didn't say you were here. I haven't had time to see him very much this term. I've been going home most weekends, and I suppose I've just been distracted. My dad's been ill."

He frowned in concern. "Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry. Anything I can do for you?"

"Yes." I smiled. "Walk with me before it starts raining again." I slipped my hand into the crook of his elbow as he joined me in my stroll around the lake. "How are things with you, Charlie?"

"Oh, you know." He shrugged. "Good. I love Romania and the dragons are fantastic. I've been home visiting a few times recently, which was nice, but I wouldn't really want to come back to stay. Although I've been away so long, Ginny's practically all grown up and I feel as though I've missed it."

"I'm glad she's doing Arithmancy. I was afraid the only Weasley I'd get to teach would be Percy." I laughed. "Not that he's not nice, he's just not quite as entertaining as the rest of you. I saw you lot at the Quidditch World Cup, but I didn't get a chance to come say hello. Remus didn't want to disturb Harry, so we just kept on toward the stadium."

"You should have stopped by, Anna, we'd have loved to see you." He shot me a look from the corner of his eye. "Who is Remus and why would he have bothered Harry?"

"Remus Lupin. He was a friend of Harry's parents, and he never wants to be a bother." I smiled as I thought fondly of Remus; it might have been less than a day since I'd seen him last, but that was enough to make me miss him. "He taught here last term."

Charlie stopped walking and looked at me sharply. "Isn't he the one sacked because he turned out to be a werewolf?"

"Oh, not you too," I sighed in exasperation. "He wasn't sacked and he's a wonderful man."

"But he is a werewolf, isn't he? Isn't that dangerous?"

I tried not to be annoyed with him; Charlie was a good friend and I knew he was only concerned for my safety. "He's only a wolf one night out of the month, and he's perfectly safe even then with the Wolfsbane potion. He would never hurt anyone on purpose, Charlie. He's a good man and I love him."

"All right. I give up." He raised his hands defensively and chuckled. "Mum will be furious when she finds out that you turned down Bill for a werewolf."

"Well, your mum never liked me much anyway." I grinned. "I doubt she'd care to hear that I never turned Bill down for much of anything. I corrupted her innocent little boy, you know."

Charlie snorted. "Little did she know that Bill was well corrupted long before he took up with you."

"No, he was sweet," I said absently. "Although as your big brother, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to know that." I laughed. "My dad thought he was a horrible influence on me as well, but I maintain that I could have done much worse for my teenage rebellion than to date the Head Boy."

"I doubt it was the dating that they minded so much as what the two of you were caught doing on the Hogwarts Express."

"God, Charlie, you would have to bring that up." I felt my cheeks grow very warm at the memory.

Charlie chuckled. "No one blushes like you do, Anna. If you had stayed with Bill, your children would have turned out a nice Gryffindor red."

I laughed and slapped him lightly in the arm. "Well, I doubt those theoretical children would appreciate that very much. What if they'd turned out to be Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs or Slytherins? It'd be awful for them if they were Gryffindor-colored."

He snorted. "Don't be silly. Weasleys are always sorted into Gryffindor."

"Until one isn't," I mused. "That's a lot of pressure on a child. I didn't have to worry about that, as my family's been sorted into all the houses, but can you imagine how it would feel to be the first one in your family to be sorted differently? You wouldn't fit in anywhere."

"That's a cheerful thought," he said sarcastically.

I shrugged. "You just got me to thinking. If Remus and I did have children, even though we're not planning to, we'll have to remember to let them know it's all right if they're not Gryffindors just because we were."

"What if they're Squibs?" he sniggered.

"Well, that's always a possibility," I said, seriously pondering the question. My mother was Muggle-born, and Remus' mother had been a Muggle; statistically speaking, any child of ours had a good genetic chance of being a Squib. "We'd still love them, though."

"I was only joking, Anna. Of course you'd love your kids even if they were Squibs. Hopefully that'd be enough to keep them from turning out like Filch." He chuckled again. "You must be under a lot of strain; you used to be much more fun."

"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "I think I'm just tired."

We had arrived back at the front steps of the castle. "Well, here we are. You'll feel better after dinner. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Of course." I kissed his cheek. "Thanks for the walk, Charlie."

"Any time, Professor," he grinned.

"Charlie?" I asked hesitantly. "About the dragons. Are they really so very dangerous? Dumbledore and the others wouldn't put the children in real danger, would they?

Charlie frowned. "Well, they are pretty dangerous animals, you know. But that's why all of us are here, to try to keep anyone from really getting hurt."

I pulled my cloak tightly around myself; it was cold. "Take good care of them, Charlie. And take care of yourself.

Passing an unused classroom on my way upstairs, I heard Hermione Granger helping Harry Potter learn to perform a Summoning charm. That morning after class, she had asked me for tips on helping other people learn spells. I hoped I was able to help her a little bit; I trusted Charlie, but not the dragons.

*****

Dear Remus,

I just got back from the First Task. Harry did well, and he's fine, so you can stop worrying now. (At least for a little while. The next task isn't until February.) I didn't notice anything odd or dangerous, except the dragons. (That was a joke.) Of course, the faith you and, er, "Padfoot" seem to have in my powers of observation, while sweet, is entirely unfounded. (That wasn't a joke. At least, not a funny one.) I didn't notice anyone besides students, teachers, reporters, and a few Hogsmeade residents. There wasn't anyone I didn't recognize.

I already miss you very much, but I won't be able to come home this weekend or next. You know how busy the end of term is. I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you every minute, as always.

Minerva McGonagall sends her best to you and Dad. As do I, of course. I can't wait until I'm home for the holidays. We should plan something very special for New Years Eve; that is, after all, our "official" anniversary, isn't it? (That word gives me such a lovely thrill.)

It feels like a million years before I'll get to see you again. Write to me often, please. If I can't have you, at least I can have your sweet words and use my imagination to fill in the rest.

Missing you terribly,

Your Anna

p.s. Has my dad mentioned anything he might like for Christmas? I'm having a terrible time finding anything I think he might like in the Hogsmeade shops. I am a terrible, thoughtless daughter, I know, but could you please try to pry something out of him? He'll never tell me what he wants.

p.p.s. Did I mention that I love you? Because I do.

*****

On the last Monday afternoon of the term, I sat in the staff room reviewing some preliminary O.W.L. -level work from my fifth years. I hadn't been able to go home since before the Tournament, and I missed my father and Remus terribly. The letters from both of them insisted that they were fine, but I still worried. I was beginning to feel trapped at Hogwarts. I was very much looking forward to leaving on Friday, when I would finally get to go home for the two week Christmas holiday.

I made a note on her essay for Cho Chang to come see me after her next lesson. She didn't seem to be putting her full attention toward her schoolwork lately and her recent marks were not nearly as high as they'd been in the past. I grinned to myself and wondered who the boy was. I looked up, distracted by tapping on the nearest window. My heart instantly leapt into my throat as I recognized Homer.

"Isn't that your father's owl?" Severus asked, looking up from his own work.

I nodded, unable to articulate more than a strangled squeak. Severus rose and crossed the room to open the window, as I seemed to be trapped in my chair by fear of what an unexpected letter from home might mean.

I felt an immediate flood of relief when I opened the letter and saw a cheerful smiley face scribbled on the top of the parchment.

Anna,

I couldn't wait until Friday to share this with you: I got a job! It's nothing terribly exciting, but I think it'll be really great. An old friend of mine owns a bookstore, and his assistant is quitting so he needs someone else and since he knew I was looking he asked me and of course I said yes.

Sorry for the run-on sentence but I'm so pleased. It's a Muggle shop and so a bit out of range of the Ministry's rules, and it's right here in London, so I can still stay with your dad, which he is insisting I do. Your family is much too good to me, you know. I don't deserve it, but I won't complain.

I'll see you on Friday. We can celebrate properly then.

Yours,

Remus J. Lupin

p.s. The job doesn't really pay an awful lot, but I'll get a discount on books! I'm already trying to decide what to get you for Christmas.

p.p.s. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I miss you. Your father is well, and Mina is already preparing more food than we'll ever be able to eat. We all can't wait to see you for the holiday.

p.p.p.s. Cassandra told me that she gave you another chapter of her book to share with me. Why haven't we read that together yet? It's been too long since I've managed to elicit any new and exciting sounds from you. Shall that be our Saturday night date?

p.p.p.s. Not that I'm presuming a standing appointment. Will you stay in with me this Saturday, Miss Vector?

p.p.p.p.s I love you.

I laughed and tucked Remus' note into my pocket.

"All is well, then?" asked Severus.

"Yes." I smiled at his ill-concealed concern. "It's happy news for a change."

"Good." He went back to his work.

I gazed out the window for a moment and then stood up. "I don't have any more classes today, so I'm going to go home for the evening."

"Do you think that's a wise idea?" Severus said sharply.

"No, I suppose not." Deflated, I sank back down into my chair. "At least, it's not a good idea for me to go by myself." I gave him my most winning smile. "Walk me home, Severus?"

Severus scowled. "Why in Merlin's name would I want to do that?"

"Because you'd have a nice time visiting with my dad, and you can eat dinner in our nice quiet dining room instead of the noisy Great Hall. You'll only have Remus and me to annoy you instead of hundreds of students. Please?" I wheedled. "I'll take your lunch duty for the rest of the week."

He arched an eyebrow. "I also have dinner duty Thursday and Friday."

"I'll take that too." I jumped up from my chair and stuffed my work into my bag. "Let's go."

"Very well." Severus rose in a much more dignified manner than I had.

My father was very surprised, to say the least, when I walked into the shop with Severus. "What are you doing here on a Monday afternoon, darling? Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes. Sorry to alarm you. I just had a free afternoon, and Severus was due for a visit." I kissed my father on the cheek and looked at him critically. Much to my relief, he didn't seem much thinner than he had been when I had seen him last. "How are you?"

"Even better now that you're home, Anna love." He hugged me rather more tightly than might have been necessary. "I've missed you, but not nearly as much as Remus has," he whispered confidentially. "Honestly, the way the two of you pine for each other when you're apart." He shook his head and smiled. "He's off running an errand for me, but he should be back soon." He released me and turned his attention to Severus. "Severus, old chap. We haven't seen you around here in ages. Where have you been keeping yourself?"

"I'm sorry. I've been very busy with school and... things." I should have thought about how uncomfortable Severus might have been around my father. They had been friends for a long time, but Severus had been avoiding him out of guilt ever since he had told me about his part in my mother's death. I had told him not to tell my dad anything about that, as I didn't see the point in making him relive such a horrible event. Severus, however, had taken my request to mean that he should simply avoid my father completely, which had the undesired effect of making my dad think he had done something to offend his friend.

"Severus has been putting in a lot of work on the Tri-wizard Tournament," I said helpfully.

"Oh, good. I was thinking maybe you hadn't been coming around because Anna broke your heart."

Severus and I were both spared the necessity of a response by Remus' entrance. He frowned briefly at the sight of Severus before his eyes landed on me. "Anna!" He bounded across the room to greet me with an enthusiastic embrace. "What are you doing here?"

"I got your note, and I'm so happy I just had to come see you." I kissed him hard.

"I'm glad you're here," he said, a note of longing in his voice.

"Me too," I said quietly. "Let's go for a walk or something. I want to be alone with you." I had noticed Severus glowering from behind the counter where he was talking to my father, and felt a need to be with Remus away from that disapproving glare.

"Yeah. Alone." He grinned in a manner I might have described as "wolfish" on anyone other than Remus. "It's really too cold to go out walking, but your father's been having me tidy up the garden shed for him. You would not believe the things of yours I found from when you were a little girl. Come explain some of them to me."

"All right." I smiled, wondering what sort of odd childhood items he might need explained. I couldn't remember anything specific I might have relegated to the shed in some long-ago purge of things I didn't use anymore. Any items I hadn't wanted to get rid of them permanently must have been interesting.

Once in the shed, I gleefully pounced upon Remus, kissing his face, his neck, and anywhere else I could reach. "I've missed you so much. I'm so sorry I couldn't come home, but-"

"It's all right. Absence makes the heart, among other things, grow fonder," Remus said, between returning my kisses. "I just sent off another owl to you, suggesting a meeting in Hogsmeade tomorrow evening. I couldn't wait until Friday, and I'm tired of letters and Floo calls; I need to touch you."

"Touch me, then." I marveled that I had managed to survive for such a long time without his hands on my skin and his mouth on mine as we both pushed clothing aside, desperately seeking what we craved from each other. "I missed you, I missed you, I missed you," I murmured, ignoring the doorknob digging into my right kidney.

Remus didn't speak as we came together, but I saw everything I could ever need to know in his eyes. I saw more than love there; I saw a man struggling for control over his desires, and wondered idly what might happen if he ever completely let himself go. Strangely enough, it didn't frighten me in the least; rather, I found it intensely exciting.

"I'm sorry," said Remus, pulling away from me even as I still trembled against him.

"Why?" I asked, puzzled.

He bent to retrieve a button torn from my dress. "I just treated you like... I don't know what. How can you stand me?" He looked ashamed.

"Oh, Remus..." I wasn't sure how best to respond to this; for once, I had too many answers instead of too few. I ignored the button he was trying to return to me and took his face in my hands. "I love you. If I ever didn't like the way you treated me, do you really think I would let you continue?"

"Do you really think you'd have a choice?" he asked bitterly. "You should stay away when it's so close to the full moon, especially when it's been, you know, a while since I've seen you. I don't like to make excuses, but just now... I was... I could have hurt you."

"But you didn't." I knew a lot might hinge on whatever I might say next. I hoped I got it right. "Do you think I'm stupid, Remus?"

He blinked. I couldn't really blame him, as it wasn't quite what I had expected to come out of my mouth, either. "No, of course not."

"Then why do you act as though I am?" I was tired of this argument, and wanted to settle it once and for all. "Was there anything about what just happened that might have led you to believe that I didn't enjoy it? Maybe I came home for the sole purpose of shagging you senseless, Remus Lupin. Honestly." Annoyed, I snatched the button from his hand and pulled out my wand to reattach it, trying not to look at him as I did. When I finally glanced up, I had to repress a giggle. "Remus," I said as gravely as I possibly could. "I don't know how I'm supposed to take you seriously as any sort of 'wild beast' when you blush like a schoolgirl at the smallest indecent comment."

He chuckled grudgingly. "Point taken, Miss Vector. I suppose you've been exposed to me and my moods long enough to know whether it's something you can or even want to handle. I just worry that you don't really know what you've got yourself into, and that I'm taking advantage of you, and-"

I put my hand over his mouth. "Let's not have these conversations until the moon is much further from full than it is right now. Just know that I really and truly love you, even when you're being an insecure fool."

"Er, thanks?" he responded with a raised eyebrow. "Was that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Made me feel better." I shrugged. "Now, what did you want to show me in here?"

We spent a pleasant hour poking through boxes of dolls and puzzles and books, talking about inconsequential things until Mina called us in to dinner. The meal was a bit tense, as was any event where Remus and Severus were required to be in the same room for any length of time. To the credit of both of them, they were civil to one another. My father might have had a great deal to do with that, as he kept up an animated but odd sort of three-way conversation with both of them, in which Severus and Remus spoke to my dad but not to each other. I soon lost the thread of the discussion, and merely watched Remus thoughtfully as I ate.

What was it about him that I loved? His kindness, certainly. His sense of humor, which was so compatible with my own. And, if I was completely honest, the dangerous possibilities inherent in loving a werewolf. I was in love with both the man and the wolf inside him. I had never before thought of it quite that way, and found it interesting. Was that wild, untamed quality what I had subconsciously been looking for in a mate? And what did that say about me?

"You're awfully quiet," Remus chided me over pudding, interrupting my idle calculation of the odds of Remus and I actually finding each other, which was slightly hampered by the fact that I had no idea of the precise current number of werewolves upon which to base the equation. Severus and my father had passed on the cake and retreated back out to the shop to discuss the potions minutiae that would bore any normal person to tears.

"I was just thinking about all the reasons that I love you."

"Oh." He looked slightly uncomfortable. "Well, don't think about it for too long. You might change your mind."

I sighed in exasperation. "I know you don't mean to, but you hurt me when you say things like that. What do you think of me for loving you, when you think so little of yourself?"

He didn't answer right away, but smashed his cake to bits with the edge of his fork. I watched him patiently, trying not to cry. After an eternity, he looked up and gave me a sad smile.

"I would never intentionally hurt you; I'll try not to say those things to you anymore."

"No, Remus. I don't want you to censor yourself with me." I was frustrated by my failure to articulate the problem that I didn't really understand myself.

"What do you want, Anna? Whatever it is, I'll do it."

"I don't know, Remus. Never mind. I don't know what's wrong with me. Just forget I said anything."

Remus reached across the table to grab my hand as I lifted it to wipe away the tears I felt starting to spill down my cheeks. "I hate to make you unhappy," he said quietly. "I think what you want is for me to think of myself the way that you think of me, and I don't know if I can do that."

"Why not?" I reached for a clean napkin to wipe my face. "Don't you know how wonderful you are?"

He shook his head. "Not any more than you know how wonderful you are. We are a pair, aren't we?" he said ruefully.

"A pair of prize idiots," I sniffled into the napkin. "I'll believe you if you believe me."

"Deal." He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it tenderly. "I'll believe anything you tell me."

"You don't have to be so careful with me. You've never done anything to me that I didn't like."

"Understood," he said with a smile. "My turn, and you have to believe me. Knowing that you love me makes me feel better about myself. I just don't always let myself believe it."

I smiled back at him. "Remus, if that's the case, you should be one of the most self-confident people in the world. That's how much I love you."

"I've been wanting to ask you something for ages." He was looking at me with such an intensely considering gaze that I suddenly knew what he had been wanting to say to me before he opened his mouth. "Anna, will you mar-"

I jerked my hand out of his grasp to clap my hands to my ears and shrieked, "No! Don't say it! Don't ask me that!"

Remus frowned as I slowly lowered my hands. "I thought you wanted to get married?"

"I do. I just don't want you to propose."

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you purposely trying to drive me mad?"

"No, of course not. I don't want you to ask me just because you know I want to hear it. Right now it's just something abstract that might not ever really happen. When I say yes, I want to know that we could get married right away if we wanted to. So don't ask me until the Ministry changes the law."

"What if they won't?" he asked quietly.

"They will," I said, faking confidence I didn't really feel. The Ministry had been completely unresponsive so far.

"But in the event that they don't, I reserve the right to form a contingency plan." Remus smiled tensely. "I will see you in a white dress with flowers in your hair while I put a ring on your finger."

"Yes, you will. One way or another." I walked around the table to sit beside him. "What sort of contingency plan did you have in mind?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said in a deceptively thoughtful manner that lead me to believe he had considered this before. "Perhaps a Muggle ceremony, although I think some sort of traditional, symbolic ritual would please your father more."

I didn't have the words to tell him how much it meant to me that he'd already given so much thought to marrying me. I just threw my arms around him and kissed him.

"Are you sure you don't want me to ask you now?" he asked.

"Positive. Not until it can be legal. Just don't change your mind before then, though," I said with a laugh.

"Never," he said solemnly.

I believed him, and kissed him until neither of us could breathe. "Let's go upstairs," I said urgently.

"Yes," he answered in a low growl. "Now."

We rushed up the stairs, frantic in our need for each other and knowing that we didn't have much time before I would have to return to Hogwarts. Our joining was desperately rushed, yet completely satisfying.

"Remus?" I kissed his neck and burrowed closer to him, hating the thought of leaving again so soon.

"Yes?" he murmured sleepily.

"I loved your note. But what does the J in 'Remus J. Lupin' stand for? I've been wondering for ages."

He chuckled softly. "Why do you want to know?" he teased, tugging my hair gently.

"Well, you can hardly expect me to ever agree to become Mrs. Remus J. Lupin if I don't even know the full name I'd be taking."

"Hmm. Good point. Why don't you guess?"

"Guess?" I laughed. "All right. Let's see... Julius? Jacob? Joshua?"

"No, no, and no. You'll never get it."

"Oh, a challenge." I sat up and looked at him speculatively. "Jeremiah? Jasper? Justin? James? Jerome?"

"Not even close," he said, looking smug.

"How about Julian?" He shook his head, and I descended into silliness. "Jupiter? Jebediah? No, I know. It's Jehosephat. Has to be."

Remus was nearly crying with laughter. "Jehosephat? How did you come up with that?"

"I'm grasping at straws here, Remus," I laughed. "Are you going to tell me, or do I have to start making up more outlandish names?"

"It's John," he said simply. "My grandfather's name."

"Oh. That's nice." I rested my head against his chest and sighed. "I wish I didn't have to go. I'd much rather stay here with you, Remus John Lupin."

"You know, you might possibly be the first woman in my entire life who has used my full name when I wasn't in trouble," he chuckled.

"Just wait until the next time I get angry with you. I'm sure it'll come out whether I want it to or not. Genetics, you know." I felt his hand gently trace the curve of my shoulder as I moved up his chest to kiss his mouth before reluctantly starting to look for my discarded clothing.

"Don't go," he said suddenly.

"I have classes in the morning and Severus is waiting to make sure I get back safely." I frowned. "Will you be all right?"

He shook himself slightly. "Of course I'll be all right. I don't know what came over me."

I dressed and sat back down beside him. "I miss you, too," I said softly, brushing his hair out of his eyes and resting my hand on his cheek. "Maybe I should be the one to look for a new job. I hate being so far away from you."

Remus put his arms around me. "Don't be silly, Anna. Any other magical school would be much further away from London than Hogwarts is." He kissed my nose lightly. "And I won't hear another word about you quitting teaching. How else would the children learn Arithmancy?"

"But-"

"Shh." He stopped me with another kiss. "No matter how much I hate the idea of sending you home with Severus Snape, that's just the way it must be for now."

"But not always?"

"Not always. One day soon, Anna-"

I never found out what he was about to promise. A loud cough came from the doorway which, to my horror, I realized we had forgotten to close behind us.

Severus looked supremely annoyed. "I'm sorry to interrupt your visit, but it is quite late and some of us need to return to our duties."

I tried to ignore the look of mutual loathing that passed between Severus and Remus as I kissed Remus quickly and stood, smoothing down my skirt. I was awfully glad I had already decently covered myself; the thought of being caught in flagrante delicto by Severus was appalling.

"See you Friday," I said brightly to Remus, pretending that I wouldn't be missing him every second until we could be together again.

"Friday," Remus said softly, his fingertips brushing lightly across the back of my hand, his eyes telling me that he knew I was faking it and that he would be missing me too.

"At this rate we won't leave here before Friday," grumbled Severus.

I shot Remus a genuine grin over my shoulder as I followed the grumpy Severus Snape to where my father dozed in his favorite chair in the study. "Go to bed, Dad," I urged as I kissed his cheek.

"Oh, I'm not tired, love." He gave a huge yawn and stood up to stretch. "Might go up and have a bit of a lie-down, though. See you Friday, darling. I can't wait to have you home for two whole weeks!"

"I can't wait either," I said, and meant it with my whole heart.

*****

Severus and I didn't speak to each other until the carriage was almost to the front gates of Hogwarts, when I broke the silence. "Thank you for going with me tonight, Severus. I know you didn't want to, and you didn't have to, but I really appreciate it."

He nodded thoughtfully. "No, you were right. It was high time I visited with Victor. He's not well, is he?"

"No, he isn't," I said tersely. "Why did you think I've been going home so often?"

He sneered slightly. "Well, Lupin's staying there. I assumed you were going home for the sort of, ahem, activities you went home for this evening."

I felt myself blush fiercely. "I'm sorry. It wasn't really my intention to go home just to...." I coughed, unable to complete the sentence. "I'm sorry," I repeated.

He gave me an inscrutable look and then turned to stare out the window of the carriage.

We didn't speak again except to say good night in the Great Hall, where he retreated toward his cold dungeon and I slowly headed up to bed. Severus didn't have anyone to go home to. No one to miss him. The thought made me very sad.

I passed Alastor Moody on the staircase. To my relief, he seemed uncharacteristically distracted, and only nodded to me in greeting. For some reason I couldn't define, I always felt very uneasy in the presence of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Aurora Sinistra was sitting in the window seat at the end of the corridor, staring listlessly out the window. "Are you all right?" I asked.

"Have you ever run into someone you thought you'd never see again?" she asked.

"Er, I-"

"Never mind," she said, standing up quickly. "Good night."

"Good night," I called after her. I had never known Aurora to be anything other than annoyingly cheerful and gossipy; it was very disconcerting to see her on the verge of tears.

A very odd end to an altogether odd evening, I mused as I lie awake, staring at the ceiling. I was looking forward to the holiday, if only to be able to get a decent night's sleep.