By the Numbers

"If you don't leave soon, I don't think I'll be able to let you go," Remus murmured to Anna, one hand pausing in its restless wandering on her cheek.

"Maybe I don't want to go," Anna whispered, turning her head to kiss his palm. "Do you want me to leave?"

"Never." He smiled. "But it's been a long night already, and I don't want to rush into anything."

"Rush?" She laughed softly. "Remus, we've been doing this for ages. I don't think any, erm, further developments would be defined as 'rushing' anything."

He kissed her tenderly, his hands in her hair. "I know. I am enjoying this an awful lot. We can wait for developments, right?"

"Remus, you won't hurt me, you know, " she said vehemently, not letting him look away from her.

"No, I won't. I would rather never touch you again than harm you," he said gravely.

A violent shiver went through her at his words. She had known this about him from the start: This warped sense of honor that made it possible for him to use his love for her as an excuse to keep his distance. She could not imagine anything he could do to her that would hurt more than losing him. She put her arms around him and clung to him tightly for a long moment.

"I'll go, then, if that's what you want," Anna said reluctantly.

"Perhaps that's a good idea." She felt him tremble slightly as he pulled away.

"Goodnight, Remus." She stood, and straightened her clothing.

He did the same, and walked her to the door. "Goodnight. I'll see you at breakfast."

"Yes. At breakfast." She smiled regretfully, and gave him lingering kiss before closing the door behind her.

*****

Remus paced in front of the fireplace. He felt so stupid. How could he just let her leave like that? She did seem to want him, as crazy as that sounded: Him, Remus Lupin, a werewolf. Sometimes, he couldn't believe his luck; not only had she never once recoiled from his touch, she always welcomed it, even knowing what he was. Other times, he cursed the fates that had made him fall in love with her, putting her in danger. He would not be able to bear it if he were responsible for causing her pain.

He remembered, with a burning sense of shame, the first time he had kissed her. It had been too much to have her so close to him, the sweet smell of her vanilla soap mingled with the fading sharp scent of adrenaline. She had been frightened, but for some unfathomable reason seemed to feel safe with him. His hard-won self-control had cracked in the instant she had touched his hair. He was grateful that he had been able to stop at that one kiss. It haunted him to think what he could have done to her had he not been able to restrain himself.

He knew that she honestly believed that he would never harm her. He thought perhaps that was what made him need her so: it was quite wonderful to have someone who was not afraid of him at all. The fact that her intense terror over her Boggart had only subsided when he held her was gratifying. He relished the role of protector, rather than that of something to be protected from. He knew he was not a beast, at least in her eyes. If only he could be so certain of that himself.

He was both touched and terrified by the trust she placed in him. He felt horribly guilty about what he still could not bring himself to tell. What would she think if he told her that he not only knew how Sirius Black had most likely gained entrance to the castle, but it was his fault that Sirius had become an Animagus in the first place? He knew she would insist that he tell Dumbledore, and he knew she would be right. He hated himself for being such a coward, but he could not bring himself to face the disappointment he would surely see in Albus Dumbledore's face. He couldn't even force himself to imagine Anna's face if she knew.

Still, he was finding it increasingly difficult to part from her each night. He desperately wanted her to stay, to allow their fevered kisses to lead where they would. It had been a very long time since he had been with any woman at all, Remus thought grimly. It would almost be easier if he didn't care for Anna so much. As it was, he was afraid that he might be using her.

And yet... She hadn't wanted to leave, had she?

*****

Anna Vector stood in the corridor outside Remus' room, her hand still on the doorknob. She wanted more than anything else in the world to go back in that room and finish what the two of them were becoming so good at starting. She wanted more of his kisses and his hands on her skin. She could still feel the fire of his touch on her cheek.

She sighed and started walking down the corridor. She suddenly felt irritated at Remus for always stopping things just as they would start to get interesting. Why should he get to be the one to decide how far was far enough? It wasn't really fair. Maybe he was just playing with her emotions, trying to make her beg. That thought stopped her in her tracks.

Remus Lupin did not play that sort of mind game. He was completely unlike anyone she had ever known before, and she trusted him not to intentionally hurt her. He loved her: she had never been so certain of anything. She wished she didn't have to keep reminding herself of that. A surge of anger ran though her, directed both at the men who had treated her so shabbily in the past, and at herself for still giving them the power to affect her.

She was standing in front of Remus' room again, without realizing she had even turned back. She leaned against the door, unable to make herself walk away again. She was just going to have to make him see reason. It wouldn't be the first time; after all, she wouldn't have been in there kissing him in the first place if she hadn't already convinced him that they belonged together.

Maybe next time, she just wouldn't take "no" for an answer. She knew that it had been quite a long time since either of them had been with anyone, and she very much wanted to end the suspense.

*****

She definitely had wanted to stay. Maybe he should go to her, just to make sure she wasn't having any nightmares or anything. Purely out of consideration, of course.

No, Anna might be a trifle naïve, but she was far from stupid. She would know why he was there, and he was sure that she would probably welcome his advances. He would just be very careful to keep himself under control.

"Oh, bloody hell," Remus growled softly to himself. Now he was being naïve. Anna had been right when she had written that giving in to love did not mean giving up all control. It was time to start trusting her. He opened the door.

Anna, who was still leaning on his door, tumbled backwards into the room.

*****

He caught her by the arm before she landed on the floor, and pulled her back up to a standing position. "Are you all right?" He asked, surprised to have her fall into his room in such a manner.

"Yes, thank you," she answered breathlessly, equally surprised at her sudden entrance. "Where are you going?"

"I was going to-" He stopped abruptly, his face flushed. "Don't you think I should be the one asking the questions? After all, you were the one who was lurking outside my door."

She blushed immediately, and looked down at the floor. "I was trying to decide if I should go up to bed or come back in here," she said in a near-whisper.

She felt his hands tense where he still held her arms. "I've been trying to decide whether I should go to bed, or go upstairs to you," he said in a strangled voice.

"You were coming after me." The delight in her voice was evident.

"You hadn't gone anywhere," he said pointedly. "I love you, Anna. And I'm not just saying that to get you into my bed."

"I love you too, Remus." She wrapped her arms around him. "And I'm not saying that to try to stay out of your bed." They smiled at each other for a moment before coming together in a passionate kiss.

Remus reached out with one hand and pushed the door closed without looking at it. He couldn't have taken his mouth off of her if his life had depended on it. Her hands were grasping at his clothes, seeking a way through them.

A half-strangled gasp escaped from Anna as his hands found their own path.

He stopped what he had been doing and pulled away. "I'm sorry. I hurt you."

"No, you didn't." She put her hands on either side of his face and pulled him close again. "If I promise to stop you if you do anything I don't like, will you promise to stop treating me as though you're afraid I'm something you might break?"

"That sounds fair," he said quietly. "I promise."

"Good." She took his hand, and pulled him toward the bedroom. "Now, don't be sorry. Do it again."

"Yes, ma'am." He smiled, both amused and highly aroused by her assertiveness. This was a side of her he hadn't seen much of before, and he was looking forward to seeing more of it. Seeing more of her would be nice, too. He fumbled, struggling to unfasten her buttons. Any skills he may have had in undressing a woman were very rusty.

"Ouch." He had somehow tangled some of her hair around a button, and was pulling it nearly out of her head trying to disrobe her.

"Am I allowed to be sorry for that?" He asked, feeling more than a little embarrassed

She grinned. "I suppose that's acceptable. Let me do it." And then she was standing naked before him. She shivered as his trembling fingers skimmed lightly over her skin, leaving a trail of fire behind them.

"You're beautiful," he whispered, following his hands with gentle kisses.

"I'm not, but I'm glad you think so." She had entangled her fingers in his hair, and pulled him up to her mouth again. By the time they separated, his clothing had joined hers on the floor.

"I'm glad you're better at that than I am," he laughed softly. She smiled back at him, as she ran her hands over his body. His laughter turned into a shuddering sigh. "Sweetheart, if you keep doing that, this whole thing will be over right now."

She retreated back up along his chest, as he pulled her close to him, trapping her hands between them. "Anna, why are you here with me? Don't just say it's because you love me. You've already said that, and I do believe you. I just need to know why."

"God, Remus, what a question to ask at all, much less right now." She looked at him directly. "I'm with you, here, now, because I want to be with you. When I'm with you I feel-" She paused for a moment, trying to find of the right words. "You make me feel warm, and safe, and everything that's good. I love your kindness, and your smile. I don't know how to explain it any better than that. I just love you."

He kissed her again, and felt her body start to melt into his. Suddenly, she pulled away from him.

"Wait, don't I get an answer to that question, too?" She demanded.

"You didn't ask." He looked at her solemnly. "But I love you because you make me feel like a man."

His answer both thrilled her and broke her heart a little. "That seems too simple. You are a man."

"Not always." He shook his head. "But I feel as though I always am, to you."

"You are," she whispered, returning to his embrace.

The world dissolved around them into a blur of warm kisses, cool hands on hot flesh, and softly sighed half-spoken words until they lay spent and still quivering in each other's arms.