Naked Truth

Naked Truth

~~~~~

June 5, 2000

Dear Mary Sue,

Thank you so much for the wedding gift. We will treasure the autographed copy of Mary Sue Loveme: How One Woman Saved the World With a Little Help From Harry Potter forever and always. Ron and I are blissfully happy.

Just give Harry a bit more time, I'm sure he'll be ready for commitment just as soon as the Magishock Therapy kicks in. I'm sure you'll never wear that bridesmaid's dress again!

Hugs,

Hermione

~~~~~

June 20, 2001

Dear Mary Sue,

Thank you for the lovely embroidered towels. I'm sure Dean and I will make good use of them once we're settled in the new flat. You made a lovely bridesmaid.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Ginny Thomas (It's such a dreamy name!)

~~~~~

October 15, 2002

Dear Mary Sue,

Thank you for the hand-painted family-and-friend mobile, you are such a talented artiste! Raven coos with delight every time she sees your lovely face spinning gracefully above her cot. She's a delightful baby, I treasure every spot of drool and spit on my robes. Before you know it, you and Harry will be settled and starting a family too!

Love,

Hermione

~~~~~

May 30, 2005

Dearest Mary Sue,

Please find enclosed the payment for one ounce of Sure Fire Love and Devotion Potion. I'm sure it will do the trick. Your potions and your legs were always the best in our class.

Potter's a fool for not snapping you up. You're such a Gryffindor not use the potion on him too. Are you quite sure you won't change your mind about my proposition? A woman like you could make a man like me wonder why he'd ever considered a life of evil.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy, Esq.

P.S.- Are you really sure you want to turn me down? I'll let you see my tattoo wiggle.

~~~~~

June 30, 2005

Dear Mary Sue,

Thank you for the lovely embroidered towels. I'm sure Draco and I will make good use of them once we're settled in the new flat. You made a lovely bridesmaid.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Ginny Malfoy (It's such a dreamy name!)

~~~~~

April 3, 2010

Dear Mary Sue,

I know it's a shock but the most wonderful thing happened to me the other day. I was browsing Flourish and Blotts, when who should appear but Professor Snape! He insisted I call him Severus. Isn't that the most sexy name alive? I can't believe that I didn't notice how handsome he was when we were at Hogwarts. He's so brooding and mysterious, I felt drawn to his needs with just one look from his smouldering eyes. I'm sure Ron won't miss me, he's too busy working for Fred and George to notice much of anything. Besides, he doesn't have a sexy cauldron dance and a wiggling tattoo.

Does that lovely bridesmaid dress still fit? How silly of me, of course it does!

Excitedly,

Hermione

~~~~~

December 1, 2017

Dear Mary Sue,

I still don't understand why you have to have this in writing, but I accept your proposal. I'd write more, but I'm starting to feel angsty again. Maybe thinking about your legs will help.

Harry

~~~~~

December 15, 2017

Dear Miss Loveme,

How pleased I was to hear that you and Harry are to be joined in wedlock. I knew from the minute you transferred to Hogwarts that you two were meant for eachother. Only a true Gryffindor would be willing to wait so long for her man.

I've enclosed my favourite pair of socks for you to wear as you walk down the aisle so that you can wear something borrowed, old and blue. Just be sure to return them. I feel naked without them.

Lovingly,

Professor A. P. W. B. Dumbledore

~~~~~

December 30, 2017

Dear Mrs. Potter,

In response to your inquiry, Professor Dumbledore is recovering nicely from the astounding case of frostbite that affected 98% of his body. It was a happy coincidence that you invited the entire staff of St. Mungo's to the wedding. I'm just sorry that the incident marred such a lovely day.

Thank you for returning the professor's socks. He's been mumbling about them in his sleep.

Yours truly,

Healer Smethwick

~~~~~

August 1, 2019

Dearest Mary Sue,

What in Merlin's name are you gibbering about? Of course I haven't seen your husband. It's YOUR job to look after him. As much as I miss him running his supple fingers through my long, flowing hair and stroking my tattoo, I am much too devoted to my Hermy-poo to ever think of luring him away from your pleasant company.

I'd ask my wife about the matter, but she and my stepdaughter left a month ago to replenish our supply of boomslang skin.

Yours,

Severus Snape

~~~~~

September 2, 2019

Mary Sue-

What do you mean Harry's gone missing? I've seen him every night for the past month or so. Did he not tell you about the farm?

Ron

~~~~~

Sept. 4, '19

M.S.-

What's with the bloody Howlers? I told you I was going out for a pint or two. I'm not done yet. Everyone said to say hello.

H.

~~~~~

November 15, 2019

Dearest, dearest Mary Sue,

Why have you not joined us at Lionbadgerclaw Devotional Centre? I was so sure you would want to join us in our nightly rituals. We love you and want to be one with you.

In the name of the Beloved Founders,

Sister Hermione

~~~~~

December 26, 2019

Dearest Mary Sue,

You were missed at the Yule rituals. We all thought of you as we exchanged our gifts of oneness. I weep for the hole your absence leaves, even as we celebrate the love of the Founders. Will you not join us?

Sister Ginny

~~~~~

January 1, 2020

Dear Mary Sue,

You love Hermione, Ginny, Raven, and Luna. I love Hermione, Ginny, Raven, and Luna. I really don't see what the problem is. Why isn't I can't spend a few moments with OUR friends without you getting paranoid? In case you haven't noticed, you have been invited to join us several times. So I sort of forgot to bring you along when I stepped out, sue me.

H.

P.S.- No, I don't think it's unfair that we discriminate against those damned Slytherins. They're evil, ugly, and would seriously affect our efforts to become one with the Founders.

~~~~~

January 30, 2020

Dear Mary Sue,

Rather than making this a protracted battle, I'm sending Brother Neville to you with the key to our joint vault at Gringotts. Earthly wealth is an evil that prevents us from achieving true oneness with the Beloved Founders. Since you were obviously missorted, I do not begrudge your plebian belief system.

H. P.

~~~~~

February 6, 2020

Mary Sue-

We would appreciate the return of Brother Neville forthwith. His brothers and sisters in the Founder's Love grieve for his absence. Besides, the plants are getting a bit out of control.

H.P.

P.S.- What do you mean by "deprogramming"? For your information, we are not a cult. We are the incarnation of the Founders' love. They said so.

~~~~~

September 21, 2103

Dear Mr. Longbottom,

The Lionbadgerclaw Devotional Centre feels no need to trace the parentage of its members, whether they came from the world at large or were born in our presence. Are we not all brothers and sisters linked by the eternal guardianship of the Beloved Founders? Do we all not await their return to the earthly plain? From July 31, 2019 to September 30, 2020, the dates you specified, there were twenty-four children born of twenty mothers living at the Centre. If Brother Neville was blessed with descendants in the flesh during his short time among us, then it of great joy to us. We are all descendants of his spirit and thank the Founders for sharing him with us even for a little while. Although I am too young to have known Brother Neville or Brother Harry personally, they are vividly and eternally present in the teachings of our spiritual mothers Sister Hermione and Sister Ginny. We will forever be in oneness with them, no matter where their journeys lead.

Please give our regards to Brother Neville and feel free to join our sacred community, should the spirits call to you.

In the name of the Beloved Founders,

Sister Lupine
Director of Public Relations
Lionbadgerclaw Devotional Centre and Hydroponics Farm

P.S.- Please find your order from the Lionbadgerclaw Devotional Centre and Hydroponics Farm enclosed. This lovingly cultivated Mimbulus Mimbletonia will give you years of pleasure if properly cared for.

~~~~~

October 1, 2103

Mr. Longbottom:

My solicitors have informed me that you continue to pry into my personal business. This is your last chance to cease and desist before my inner Slytherin curses you into oblivion.

Sincerely,

H. Potter