A Geezer Wheezes

A Geezer Wheezes

"So young man, tell me again who you are. I missed the last word or two. My Ear Sharpening Potion seems to be wearing off again."

"Edwin Longbottom, sir. I'm writing your biography."

"Longbottom, Longbottom... Why does that name ring a bell?"

"Neville Longbottom is my grandfather. He introduced us five minutes ago."

"Nope, I think I'd remember that name. Have you met my friend Norbert Tinytop? He's around here some place. Said something about a toad before he wandered off."

"His name is Neville Longbottom. L-O-N-G-B-O-T-T-O-M."

"So he tells me. I've always liked the name Norbert. Reminds me of something small, warm and fuzzy."

"Shall we get started?"

"I bet you've come to hear all about how I defeated Voldemort."

"Not really, sir. The last battle was very well documented in your twenty volume set. I was hoping to learn more about your years at Hogwarts. You seem to have glossed over them just a bit."

"I remember when I took Care of Magical Creatures. We had to walk a mile in the snow to get to Professor Hagrid's old hut. It was cold, it was wet, we were barefoot. You know what skrewts do to bare feet?"

"You weren't barefoot. Granddad said-"

"Hush, I'm telling the story."

"Tell me about your relationship with Professor Snape."

"Ah, Professor Snape. I remember him fondly. He made me the man I am today. I was young, lonely, not a friend in the world. He took me under his wing, fed me tea and biscuits, gave me hair-care advice..."

"That's not what I heard from your former classmates. They said-"

"What would they know? Just jealous, they were. They weren't selected for Remedial Potions. It was a great honour, I tell you. No one could do the forbidden dance with a cauldron like Severus. Well, excepting dear Draco. Their tattoos used to do this little wiggling thing-"

"Really now. I could swear the story is that you despised Professor Snape and Draco Malfoy. And Snape never tutored you in Remedial Potions, it was Occlumency"

"Occluwhatsis? Doesn't exist. It was just a whopper I told some Muggle chick to put her off my trail. I could demonstrate the dance if you like."

"No thank you, I just ate. Would you mind taking your hand off my knee? Why don't we talk about Professor Dumbledore?"

"That batty old codger? He's not still alive is he?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. He's been National Ten Pin Champion for five years running."

"Dodgy if you ask me. He swore up one side and down the other that the stone was destroyed, the lying git. I bet he gets smashed on the Elixir of Life every night while listening to that bloody chamber music of his. Just twiddles his thumbs, letting everyone else do all the dirty work. Sickening."

"I think you're getting a bit over-excited."

"I'm just getting started, young man. Now excitement, I can tell you all about that. The most I ever had was with a gorgeous dame named Mary Sue. She had legs like-"

"Sir! You're talking about my grandmother!"

"Oh, so that's where she ran off to. Tell Norbert I'll never forgive him for stealing my woman."

"Gran said that you left her to live in a commune with Ginny Weasley-Thomas-Malfoy and Hermione Granger-Weasley-Snape."

"Just a couple of bints I met in a pub. All we did was have a bit of fun. No one's perfect are they? Well, except for Mary Sue. What a woman. She almost made me forget about Severus. Alas, poor Severus. I knew him, Horatio."

"Sir, my name is Edwin. Maybe we should change the subject. What advice would you give to future Hogwarts students?"

"Never talk to snakes. Strangers are OK, but snakes are trouble. Big trouble. Huge."

"Such as basilisks, perhaps?"

"Big snakes, little snakes, trouser snakes. The castle's crawling with them."

"Sir, we're talking about giving advice to innocent children."

"Ungrateful little snotrags. Why should I give advice to them? Tell me that, writer-boy. I save the world and do they give me so much as a valentine?"

"Valentine's Day was replaced by Harry Potter Day, sir. No one gets valentines, they get Pottertines and you've got a whole stack on your bedside table! You've also got a full set of commemorative Galleons, a special edition chess set, and an entire wing at St. Mungo's. I'd say you've done rather well for an underachieving whiner. I should have listened to Granddad. He tried to warn me. He even put a Leg Locker Curse on me at breakfast this morning. But no, I just had to write a book on you. Right now it's looking more like that preposterous fanfiction everyone's been churning out for the last eighty or so years. I'd be better off cribbing from that Muggle Rowling."

"Smarty-pants whippersnapper, who asked you?"

"One last question, Mr. Potter."

"Hurry up, I'm going to be late for my water therapy. Can't keep Nurse Fifi waiting too long, you know. I think she's hot for my scar. Heh, Heh."

"Could you point me to the nearest dust bin? This notebook's full of rubbish."