Banana

Banana

"Wussat?" called a voice groggily.

"Nothing, Neville. Go back to sleep," Harry hastily whispered.

"Harry? What are you doing? It’s two in the morning." Harry turned around to shush Neville and only ended up tripping over his trunk, falling face first into a pile of dirty clothes, and bouncing rather uncomfortably halfway down the winding stairs leading to the Common Room. Despite the enormous noise of a human tumbling down stone stairs, as Harry paused at the foot of the steps, he could hear nothing else stirring. Must be because they’re all so used to the parties Fred and George give, he thought ruefully, though not without a trace of a lopsided grin. Quickly, he whipped out his wand and muttered something soft. A glow spread across his entire body, sinking into his skin, healing his cuts and rapidly forming bruises. I owe that one to Hermione, he thought, not daring to speak aloud, though it probably wouldn’t have mattered if he’d let loose several dozen Filibuster Fireworks. All was quiet. Nothing stirred, not even a mouse. Except maybe an owl or two. But that was besides the point.

Harry stepped quietly into the Common Room, lit only by the dying fire. In the shadows, he thought he heard something stir, but he couldn’t be sure. As he tiptoed towards the Portrait Hole, he heard the ‘something’ again. It sounded definitely like human voices. And he knew whose they were…

"Oh, Ron. I love you. This is the best birthday present ever…ooohhhh Ron." Harry flinched visibly. Not something he wanted to walk in on.

"Well, Lavender. This is just for you. I’ve never done this before."

Eyes wide for several reasons, none of them being the dark, Harry tried to creep quietly past where the couple was.

"What was that? Ron? Did you hear that?"

"Who’s there?" asked Ron bravely.

"Erm…it’s just me…I was just leaving…um…yeah…didn’t mean to interrupt you…heh heh," muttered Harry.

"Harry?! What are you doing down here?"

"I could pose you the same question."

"How much did you hear?" piped up Lavender.

"Waaaaaaaaay too much."

"So you know?" Ron dropped his head. "Don’t tell anybody, okay? I guess you’ll want to see?"

"WHAT?!?! NO, of course not!"

"You’re just saying that. Come here, I’ll show you."

"No, really, Ron. Th-that’s okay. I reeeeally have to be going now. I have something…um…very important to do." Ron sighed.

"No, it’s okay. I trust you." He took a deep breath and from behind his back pulled out…knitting needles?

"Knitting needles, Ron?" said Harry trying to contain his laughter and relief at the same time.

"I’m knitting Lavender socks for her birthday. Lavender colored, of course. Mum taught me how to over the summer." Indeed, Harry could see a large purply lump hanging from the needles. "What do you think? You won’t tell anyone, will you? ‘Cause I think I’d just die if anyone knew." Harry was speechless.

"I - I have to go now, Ron. Lavender." He nodded his head cordially at them before escaping through the Portrait Hole. Once out there, he couldn’t hold back the hysterical laughter that came pouring forth. He was laughing so hard that his eyes started to tear up and he collapsed on the ground.

"Are you okay?" asked a soft voice to his right, making him jump. "Don’t cry."

"N-no, I wasn’t crying. I was laughing. Who’s there?"

"It’s me, Harry." A girl came out of the shadows who Harry had never seen before in his life. She had brown hair that reached almost down to her toes and was wearing a very frilly pink nightgown that was a bit too short for a nighttime stroll. "Were you laughing at me, Harry? Why? I thought you loved me."

"No I just saw my best friend knitting and - " said Harry, slowly backing up as the girl advanced upon him.

"A likely story."

"It’s true, no, really, go check."

"I don’t care as long as I’ve got you, Harry."

"Right…well…I have to be going now…I…um…what are you doing?!?!" The girl had started to unfasten the buttons on Harry’s scarlet pajamas with the Snitches on them. "Stop that! No…what are you…aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Don’t touch my pajamas!" He continued to back up, trying desperately to get away from her, but not having the cruelness in him to just hit her. "I don’t even know who you are! Get off!" He wrenched his shirt away from the girl’s outreaching hands. As she looked up at him, he could see her eyes starting to water.

"I - I thought you loved me. But now I know that you’re just a cruel jerk! I hate you!" She turned and stormed into the Portrait leaving a very confused, but not remorseful Harry standing in her wake.

With a sudden jolt, Harry turned around to keep going - and walked headfirst into Hermione.

"What was that all about?" she asked uncertainly.

"I’m not really sure. I don’t even know who that girl was."

"I think she’s a third year. But I can’t say I’ve seen her around much. Oh! Harry! I didn’t tell you! The most wonderful thing happened to me. I was in the library researching this project for Potions when I was reaching up to get a book that was way high up and another one fell down. So I started to read it! It’s a really good story about a witch who works for the Ministry as the Inspector of Foreign Class A imports. It’s so interesting about how she lives her life and how she’s so self-reliant! I just love it!" As Hermione prattled on about her newest book, Harry danced back and forth on either foot, impatiently.

"Hermione - that’s…er…really interesting, but I have to go. This is important and it can’t wait," he finally managed to put in. Hermione looked downcast for only a moment before perking up again.

"Can I come?"

"Sorry - no. I have to do this on my own."

"If you can’t tell me then it can’t be that important."

"It is! It’s just that I have to go now because you see I’ll just - I have to go." Abruptly, he turned around and started walking off.

"FINE! DON’T tell me. I’m only your best friend. I’m not that important!"

"Thanks, Hermione, for understanding." Harry tore off down the hallway as fast as his legs would carry him. Turning a corner, he saw something that made him stop dead in his tracks; made is hair stand on end; made his skin crawl.

Professor McGonagall in a lace nightgown that came up to there. And the top went down to there. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she was attached at the lips to Professor Snape who was wearing the same thing except that his had little pink hearts over it.

Harry started to shake violently with the horrific sight. So much so, in fact, that the two professors must’ve heard his bones rattling and turned. Both went pale.

"My eyes hurt," whispered Harry.

"Mr. Potter?" stuttered Professor Snape uncertainly.

"What are you doing out of bed?" asked Professor McGonagall, pulling down her nightie just a bit. Snape followed suit. Harry could do nothing but open and close his mouth like a fish while all the while still shaking. He felt like he might vomit at any moment.

"Answer us," continued Snape, a bit more smoothly.

"I - I was just…I mean that I…um…I guess I…uh…I took a wrong turn at the…uh…the Portrait…yeah. I’ll just be going and leave you two to your midnight excursions. Heh heh…bye."

"Not so fast," called Professor McGonagall. "You won’t tell anyone, will you? Because you can’t."

"I reeeeally have to go. I can’t stay…"

"Mr. Potter, I am offering you Prefect status for your next year if you don’t tell anyone."

"Are you bribing me?"

"Yes."

"I’ll have to think about it, but this can’t wait. I have to go," Harry finished lamely. The two professors glared.

"Will you tell?" they asked in unison. Harry shrugged.

"Things happen. I might try to keep mum about it…or not."

"Head Boy you want?"

"Not particularly. I’d settle for Snape just being fair in class."

"Why…you! I am fair. Just for that I’ll - "

"Sevvie, calm down." Hearing that made Harry start shaking again. "He’ll do it. And here’s fifty points to Gryffindor. Now keep quiet." Harry nodded numbly, not quite believing what had just happened.

"Go on, Potter. She said you could go." Harry nodded again silently and tried to push past them without making any sort of contact with either of them in the narrow hallway. It was hard, but he managed to slip away before tearing down the hall and around a corner and down another corridor and through a tapestry and around a bend - and then he was hopelessly lost.

Why, oh why did I not bring the Marauder’s Map? And the Invisibility Cloak for that matter? Or even my FREAKIN’ WAND?! he thought remorsefully. "But no. I just had to go and think that I would only be gone a moment. It’s just down the hall, I thought. WELL IT’S NOT DOWN THE HALL!" He screamed the last part as loud as he could.

"Having trouble?" asked a voice of to his right, making him jump.

"Moaning Myrtle? What are you doing here?"

"You’re not happy to see me? You never came to visit me and so I thought that maybe you just couldn’t sneak away to the bathroom and so I go to try and find you and then all I find is that you’re just wandering the halls at night with nothing better to do and visiting poor Myrtle in her bathroom would never cross your mind." She burst into tears.

"No, Myrtle, that’s not it. Believe me, I would love to visit your bathroom right now but I’m hopelessly lost and I really have to go."

"I’ll lead you back to my bathroom," she said brightly.

"I never thought I’d say this, but, could you? I’d really appreciate it."

"No problem." She glided through a nearby wall, leaving Harry thoroughly lost. In a moment, however, she popped back through. "Why aren’t you following me? You really do hate me, don’t you?! You don’t have to be so cruel about it. I know. Everyone hates Myrtle. But I thought that you were different." She burst back into tears and glided through another wall and out of sight.

"You know what? I don’t understand girls at all," said Harry sadly as he began to wander off aimlessly.

Many minutes later when Harry had all but given up hope, he began to hear voices. Real voices. Happily, he speeded up, turned a corner, and found the worst sight imaginable. Surrounded by several dozen Death Eaters was Voldemort. In the middle of Hogwarts!

"Oh, man. This day really sucks," muttered Harry, trying to keep to the shadows. Voldemort was giving a lecture of some sort with his back turned to Harry.

"And I’ll find the Potter boy. You all just do your jobs and find the teachers. Dumbledore should be gone by now. Hurry up and lets get this done before anyone wakes up. Hogwarts will be mine yet." With that, the Death Eaters dispersed, leaving Harry pinned to the wall in the shadows and Voldemort in the middle of the room, alone. Harry slowly started to edge away, but bumped into something rather hard that made quite a noise. Voldemort turned around at the noise and his face split into a wide grin. "Harry Potter. How good to see you."

"And I was just leaving. I’ll be going now."

"Oh, come, come now. I couldn’t let you go that easy. Certainly not before tea. I’ve been wanting to talk to you."

"Yes, well. I don’t particularly want to talk to you. I have to go to this um…place…yeah. Sorry."

"You always seem to find me when I need to talk to you. How’s that work?"

"Scar magnetism?" asked Harry weakly.

"I’ve been meaning to get one of those. No matter. I’ll just take yours." He raised his wand. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" he roared. Harry dove and ducked. The curse bounced back for some odd reason.

"You know - I don’t understand magic at all, either." He looked up at what he had dove under. "The Mirror of Erised," breathed Harry. So that was what he had walked into.

"HARRY!" screamed a voice.

"Professor Dumbledore? What are you doing here?"

"I rushed back as soon as I found out that something was going to happen. Are you okay?"

"What happened?"

"I do believe Voldemort tried to kill you." Harry glared. "But this just happens to be the Mirror of Erised and I’m guessing he saw one person dying and one person staying alive and so the mirror obliged him and, since he was in direct reflecting range, sent the curse back to him. Only a curse from him could kill him. Good job, Harry."

"It was sort of an accident."

"And now, what’s say we wake the teachers, vanquish the Death Eaters, and have ourselves a feast?"

"An’ a regular one o’ d’em hoe-downs?" asked Harry. Dumbledore smiled softly.

"If you want. Come on."

"But, sir. I really have to go."

"Nonsense. That was wonderful, Harry. Come on." He picked up Harry, oblivious to his protests, and dragged him through the door and down and around several passageways until he finally made it to his office. Tapping the gargoyle’s ear, he whispered something and the ear became the size of a dinner plate. "ALL STUDENTS AND TEACHERS PLEASE REPORT TO THE GREAT HALL IMMEDIATELY!" The voice echoed throughout the school and Harry could hear a rumbling of footsteps all rushing down to the Great Hall. "We’d best be off, Mr. Potter. The rest of the school will want to know what has happened."

"I - I have to go somewhere first, Professor."

"I can’t think of a single thing that’s more important. It can wait till morning. Come on, Harry." Dumbledore made his way down to the feast with Harry in tow. When they got there, Dumbledore quickly summed up the past events while Harry danced from foot to foot in his agitation. "And now - " Dumbledore said as he finished up and the ten minutes of cheering subsided, "bananas for everyone!" He clapped his hands and a all up and down the tables, bananas began to appear. "For the monkeys inside you that we all know you are," said Dumbledore in response to the confused glances people were giving each other. "Eat up. They’re good for digestion. I don’t think any of you are allergic to bananas."

The entire Hall began as one to start munching on the bananas and then there was an enormous food fight afterwards in which many people slipped and fell and Harry tried to get away but was dragged back by happy students and the teachers minus Snape and McGonagall burst in with triumphant looks on their faces and everything was all confused until Harry could stand it no more and he burst out right in the middle of everything, "BUT I STILL HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!" There was a silence so thick you could have cut it with a butcher’s knife. And then everyone screamed out in laughter. Harry just glared as he stalked out of the Hall to jeers from the Slytherin’s.

"Bloody Neville clogging up the bloody toilet last night and making me have to find the only bloody toilet in the entire bloody school that works which just happens to be the farthest bloody possible distance from bloody Gryffindor Tower," Harry muttered as he entered the bathroom.