To Fly Alone

James Potter kept his eyes down as his mother dragged him into store after store in Diagon Alley. He didn’t know too many wizards his age, even for a pure-blood and he found it pointless to avert his eyes to the site he found even worse: the many packages his mother was holding which meant that he was finally growing up.

“Hogwarts,” she clucked as they walked along. “I’m so excited for you, Jamesie.” He flinched at the nickname. “Aren’t you just perfectly happy about it?” James muttered something unintelligible, which was probably for the better. “Oh, do perk up, James. I’m sure you’ll make new friends in no time.”

“That’s not the problem,” he said softly.

“See? You’ve already got enough confidence. Oh, just you wait! You’ll have an absolutely marvelous time there! I hope you’re a Hufflepuff just like I was. It will be so fun!” James sighed.

“Yes, mum.” She rambled on with James not really listening, only interjecting a ‘yes, mum,’ every so often, all the while staring down at his toes. He only looked up when he felt her leading him through a fireplace back to his own house. Falling through face first, he felt his glasses break as they did every time. His mother picked him up, dusted him off like mothers do, and quickly restored his glasses with a wave of her wand. Placing them back on, James could see the large marble staircase leading up to his right and the enormous double doors to his left. He heard a squeaking behind him as a house-elf came to assist his mother with her packages. He sighed again. He never really believed it was fair to ‘own’ house-elves, but he was never one to argue with anyone.

Making his way up to his room, he fell backward onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He heard the door opening as his father came in and lay down next to him, also staring at the ceiling.

“Excited to go to Hogwarts?” James shrugged. “I hope you’re in Gryffindor.” James made no response so he continued. “I was a Gryffindor. Gryffindors are there because of their courage, you know. Gryffindors are bold and outspoken and they never take anything for granted. Hogwarts is where I first really developed into a man. It’s where I learned to speak my opinions and be heard. It’s really wonderful. I only hope you can learn what I did. Valuable life lessons, those are. But remember to always cooperate. Follow the rules, James, and you’ll be safe. But you do that pretty well already.” James didn’t move so his father got up, ruffled his already messy hair, and left. Voice my opinions? How am I supposed to do that? I can’t even say no to my own mother. This will be a long seven years, I just know it. He lay there for a moment more before something else came to mind. “Follow the rules, James, and you’ll be safe.” That’s what I want, isn’t it? To be safe? There’s no fun there, but no pain either. Safety. But what if I want to be something else this year? What if I want to be me? Can I?

I can’t stand to fly

I’m not that naïve

I’m just out to find the better part in me

“Goodbye, James,” sniffed his mother. “We’ll miss you.”

“Goodbye, James,” said his father gruffly. “Have a nice time and owl us when you get there.” He ruffled James’s hair. Pushing his way through the crowds as he tried to detach himself from his parents, James felt very small indeed. But at the same time, he felt bigger than anyone there. This year I’m not going to be part of the crowd. This year is going to be different. This year I’m going to be someone completely new. And Hogwarts will never be the same. I won’t let them forget me. He stepped onto the scarlet steam engine billowing out great clouds and looked down upon the crowds of people. Standing in the door of the train, he was taller than everyone on the platform and he felt it out to its fullest extent. I’m not going to be one of them, he thought as he looked down at the faces that blurred together. To him, they were all the same, one eager face looking excitedly towards new challenges in the coming year. But he wasn’t and so he was different. This year is my year.

I’m more than a bird

I’m more than a plane

I’m more than some pretty face beside a train

Be strong, James! Shyness is not you anymore! James took a deep breath and stepped into the next car where three boys were sitting at a table playing Exploding Snap. They looked up upon hearing the door open.

“Hello,” said the first boy. The other two nodded their greetings. “Would you like to play?” James nodded fervently and sat down next to him. “I’m Sirius Black,” said the boy. “This here’s Remus Lupin and that’s Peter Pettigrew.”

“I’m James Potter.” They’re all so nice.

“James Potter? I’ve heard that name before,” said Sirius.

“You’re that rich family,” said the boy who was Peter. “I heard all rich people are snobs. Is that true?” Remus nudged Peter, hard.

“Don’t be rude,” said Remus glaring. “I’m sure he’s just like us.” Even so, James blushed. Just then the door opened and another boy came in.

“Hello, there,” he said. “I’m Severus Snape.”

“I’m James Potter,” said James.

“Potter? I know that name. You’re all Gryffindors. Bloody good for nothing rich folks.” James flushed but Sirius stood up, positively radiating hatred.

“Get out, Snape.” He’s so much braver than me.

“Is your friend too scared to defend himself?” He turned towards James. “You’re nothing more than a lowly Hufflepuff.”

“He can but he’s above talking to you,” growled Sirius, flicking the hair out of his eyes. “We all are.” He’s so bold. I’m not like that at all.

“You’re obviously not. You’re nothing more than a dog.” James looked up at Sirius standing up for him and then at Snape who was glaring daggers and he knew what he had to do. Taking a deep breath, he stood up too.

“Don’t talk about my friends like that,” he ground out between his teeth. Snape almost jumped in surprise, as did Sirius. What am I doing? Who am I? This isn’t me! But it’s so…freeing! “I suggest you leave right now,” James went on, gathering up his courage, “before I do something you regret.” James glared for a moment while everyone looked at him. Then Snape burst out laughing.

“You? What could you do? You’re nothing more than some tiny shrimp.” Suddenly James felt very self-conscious and he almost sat down again, but Sirius glared right back.

“Anyone could take you down, Snape. Especially James here.” There was a pause and James realized everyone was waiting for him. Waiting for him to take the moment and run with it and show them who was boss. They have so much confidence in me. They think I’m some brave Gryffindor, but I’m not. I’m not brave at all. I can’t pretend to be either. I just have to be myself and hope that it’s good enough. And it’s all his fault. I could’ve gotten away with being the new James and that git Snape had to go and take it away. And now they’ll all hate me because I’m not who they think! And it’s all his fault!

And it’s not easy to be me

“Snape. Would you leave now?” asked James. He took a deep breath. “Please.” Damn etiquette. I had to go and be raised proper and now it’s stuck with me. I hate being rich! He stared at Snape for a moment while he glared back at him. And this git Snape went and ruined my whole new personality right from the beginning! I hate him! Suddenly Snape’s eyes widened and he turned around and nearly tripped over himself in an effort to get out. What? Maybe this new life is still salvageable. James looked quizzically at him, then turned to Sirius. “What’s with him? He nearly wet himself - ” but he stopped at the look on the faces of the other three. Sirius’s mouth was open as wide as it could get and both Remus and Peter looked as if they had just seen a…manticore.

“James,” started Sirius uncertainly. “Y-you’re glowing.”

“I’m what?”

“Look at yourself!” James looked down at his hands and, sure enough, they were pulsating whitish light.

“Aaaaahhhhh! Make it stop! People aren’t supposed to glow!”

“Calm down, James,” stated Sirius clearly, though he looked like he might run screaming in a moment too.

“How can I be calm when I’m glowing?” shrieked James.

“I think it’s going down,” said Remus. And so it was. There was another knock at the door and James turned around, annoyed.

“If it’s that git I’m going to - oh.” A girl walked in with long red hair and bright, sparkling green eyes. In James’s opinion, she was just about the prettiest girl he had ever seen. She’s so beautiful. I bet she’s perfect, just like her beauty. I bet they all are. They’re all brave and outspoken; Gryffindor material, but I’m not. They’re practically perfect, and I’m not. Well, I’ll just have to be like them if I want that and if I want their friendship.

“Expecting someone?” she asked at their dazed stares. James shook his head.

“Erm…no…we weren’t expecting anyone. We were just…not that you’re not welcome, of course, we were just talking?” he finished lamely. She laughed.

“You’re funny when you blush.” James blushed. “I’m Lily Evans. You are?”

“James Potter.”

“Sirius Black.”

“Remus Lupin.”

“Peter Pettigrew.”

“Pleased to meet you all,” she said, smiling. “What’s that you’re doing?” They all looked down at the table where their game of Exploding Snap was just beginning.

“Exploding Snap?” asked Sirius curiously. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, you must be a Muggle-born,” said Remus. “It’s a game that we play. It’s really quite fun. Would you like to try? It’s not that hard to learn.”

“Sure, it could be fun.” She came and sat down next to James which just made him blush even darker as he tried to explain the rules to her. The rest of the trip passed uneventfully as they taught Lily how to play, unless you count her winning quite spectacularly several times and Peter losing his eyebrows.

“RAVENCLAW!” yelled the Sorting Hat. James looked at the blonde girl as she slid off the stool and trotted over to the Ravenclaw table. They were applauding her crazily and screaming for her. He couldn’t help feeling slightly happy for her, in spite of his nervousness.

“Black, Sirius!” James turned to look at Sirius who was grinning cheekily. He didn’t appear nervous at all. Striding up to the stool, he jammed the hat on his head. It was barely there a moment before it called out, “GRYFFINDOR!” Suddenly James was struck by a horrible thought. What if he was put in Slytherin? And all his friends were in Gryffindor? Would he have to hate them? I won’t! But what if they hate me? He was snapped out of his thoughts by a familiar name.

“Evans, Lily!” She looked nervous as she made her way over to the hat and placed it softly on her head. It barely touched down before it yelled out, “GRYFFINDOR!” making her jump in surprise. She walked over to where Sirius was sitting and sat down politely across from him, smiling. She’s made it. They’re all going to make it, but I’m not. They’re all brave and strong and I’m not.

One by one, James watched the rest of the people he had met get sorted. Remus and Peter were both in Gryffindor along with two other girls their age. James was just getting lost in his thoughts again when he heard, “Potter, James!” To James, the moment seemed to move in slow motion. He could feel his heart beating as he put one foot in front of the other and made his way to the stool. Sirius was grinning at him from the Gryffindor table. He felt the hat being placed on his head and then a voice spoke in his ear.

“Another Potter? You know your family has been coming to this school since it was founded. And every one of them has been in Gryffindor.” James suddenly felt himself start to shake. What if he wasn’t put in Gryffindor? Would he be ruining the family heritage? “Not to worry. You’re one, well enough. But stick with what you have. Be yourself. That’s who the real Gryffindor is. Not this other one that you hope to be. Well go on, now. We know you’re exactly the material to be a GRYFFINDOR!” The hat was lifted off his head as he heard his friends explode in cheers. He sat sown next to him and they all patted him on the back.

“We all made it,” said Sirius happily. “We’ve made it through the first challenge together.” James looked around at his grinning friends. These were the people he was to spend the next seven years of his life with. And, for the first time, he didn’t mind. To tell the truth, he was looking forward to it. And to being strong. The new James who was like that. The new James who was like his friends; never scared or wounded. The new James was on a pedestal with everyone that mattered and he was leaving the old James behind.

I wish that I could cry

Fall upon my knees

This was the happiest James had ever been. Contained with his friends, making idle chatter as he stuffed himself full of warm food.

“My mum was so upset to see me leave,” laughed Sirius. "She kept giving me advice about what to do if I got lost and kept telling me that she loved me. I finally just had to push her away and promise that I’d owl her.”

“My mum was like that too,” said Peter. “She kept telling me not to get in trouble and that if she got any owls saying that I wasn’t doing my work again then she’d have to take away my candy for a month.”

“My mum was…sick,” said Remus softly. “But she told me that she’d be there when I got back.” They all looked at him worriedly. “She’ll be okay though.”

“My mum wouldn’t let me leave,” laughed Lily. “‘If they’re mean to you in any way you just show those wizards who’s boss,’” she mimicked. “She was so excited when she found out what I was. Both my parents were. They kept hugging me and laughing and crying.” Everyone laughed. My parents weren’t all that unhappy to see me leave. They didn’t cry or tell me that they loved me. Do they? But it doesn’t matter. Not to me.

“My mum was dreadfully worried about me. She was hoping I’d be a Hufflepuff,” said James, elaborating the story a bit. “But I was hoping for Gryffindor, like my dad. They were so sorry to see me go.” I’m sure they were.

Find a way to lie

‘Bout a home I’ll never see

Sirius reached over and ruffled James’s hair. “Well we’re happy to have you,” he said.

“Why does everyone insist upon ruffling my hair?” asked James from under his bangs.

“Because it’s so messy,” said Remus, reaching across the table and ruffling it.

“You have the perfect kind of hair to be ruffled,” said Lily, very nonchalantly, but he soon felt her ruffling it too. Then, without warning, the three of them had tackled him and were all ruffling his hair.

“Hey! Stop it!” said James between laughing gasps. “It took me two whole minutes to fix it just perfectly.”

“When? Last year?” asked Sirius.

“No…last week,” said James defensively. “I think it was Tuesday.” They all laughed and kept on messing it up.

The next day was cool as James and his friends made their way out to Herbology. Wrapping their cloaks tight around themselves, they stood outside the greenhouse as Professor Ivy lectured them on what they would be doing that year. James wasn’t really paying much attention as she lectured them on the proper way to plant a sprout. Looking around at his friends, he began to wonder. They’re all so strong and brave. But I’m not. I’m not really brave. This isn’t really me. What do I do when they find out? When they realize I’m not really fearless. When they realize I’m a coward? What then? Even Lily’s braver than me. James shuddered.

“What’s wrong?” whispered Sirius from the side of his mouth.

“Nothing,” James whispered back, “nothing ever is.”

Lily was crying. Lily! James couldn’t even remember how it happened. One minute he was bored out of his mind and the next Malfoy had called her something which James didn’t even dare to repeat because of his upbringing. He didn’t even know how Lily knew the ‘M’ word, but she did, and now she was crying. How was that possible? His friends didn’t cry. They were above everything. They were invincible. Like he had made himself. Invincible. And she was crying. It was like an explosion in his head. He couldn’t even comprehend it. How could she cry? But she was a human too. And then it hit him. James could almost feel an avalanche sweeping over him; a herd of manticores tearing into him; an explosion in his head. She was only human. And he was only human. And Sirius, and Remus, and Peter, they were all human. They weren’t invincible. They could be hurt and they still found ways to break through and be the brave, wonderful people that they were. The notion was almost absurd to him, but it made him see them in a whole new light.

It may sound absurd

But don’t be naïve

Even heroes have the right to bleed

They weren’t immortals who were already on a pedestal. They were mortals who placed themselves higher than everyone by being who they were. And he was lucky enough to be considered one of them! He didn’t have to be perfect! James felt something like a tidal wave of relief sweep over him. It was so overpowering that his knees began to shake and he sat down next to Lily. She leaned over to him and buried her head in his chest. At first he wasn’t quite sure what to do, but Remus gave him a funny look so he did the most natural thing. He rubbed her head and whispered soft words in her ear.

“Thank you,” she said softly. She sniffed and rubbed her eyes as she sat back.

“I won’t let them hurt you again, Lily. I’ll make it perfect for you where no one’s like that,” he said softly.

I may be disturbed

But won’t you concede

Even heroes have the right to dream

She smiled up at him. “Thank you, James. But you can’t. Nothing is perfect. Not even you.” I’m not perfect! And Lily thinks so now! But…what happens when she realizes I’m not even this close to being perfect? They’ll all hate me. I know they will. No. They can’t. I’ll keep up this mask for forever if I have to. He ground his teeth deeply. I will. I swear it. Lily felt the tension in his arms as he made his silent pact.

“James?”

“I’m alright, Lily. Everything’s perfect. Almost.”

And it’s not easy to be me

That Monday was their very first flying lesson. James had never been one to fly. He had fallen off a toy broom when he was four and been afraid of heights ever since. But the new me can’t be afraid of anything. Taking a deep breath, he stepped over his broom like Madame Hooch directed. But when the whistle blew, he found he couldn’t push off. He watched as the other brooms rose higher and higher into the air.

Up, up, and away, away from me

“James? What’s wrong?” asked Sirius coming down to land softly beside him.

“I can’t.”

“You can’t? Why not? You’re not afraid are you? I didn’t think you were afraid of anything.” He already thinks I’m fearless. I can’t tell him who I really am. He wouldn’t believe me.

“I don’t know. I just can’t.” Or what if I’m bad at it? Then they’ll see that I’m not even as good as they think I am. I can’t disappoint them.

“You feeling okay?”

“No, I don’t think so. I think I need to go.” James turned abruptly and went into the castle.

“He’s not telling me something,” muttered Sirius to his back, “and I aim to find out what it is.”

Well it’s all right

You can all sleep sound tonight

I’m not crazy…or anything

James sat down with his back to the stone wall and dropped his head into his hands. I can’t keep this up.

“James?” spoke up a soft voice next to him. He raised his head and looked at who it was. Sirius was standing there with Lily on one side and Remus on the other. Peter was standing a few feet behind them.

“We know something’s wrong with you and you’re going to tell us right now what it is. No skirting around it, no avoiding the subject, no vague answers, and no god dam lies.”

“I’m afraid of heights,” said James simply. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“I figured that out a long time ago. And I don’t care. What’s the real problem? You obviously know what I’m talking about.” James looked down at the ground. He did know. And Sirius was right, he couldn’t keep it back from his friends. He wasn’t perfect and they had to know. He couldn’t be on the pedestal with them. He just wasn’t made to withstand the responsibilities that came with it.

I can’t stand to fly

I’m not that naïve

“I’m a mortal,” he said softly. “And you’re not.”

Men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees

Lily began to laugh. “None of us are immortal, James.”

“But you’re all real. You’re true, honest-to-goodness superheroes. I’m not really this. This isn’t me. I’m me. The me who listens to orders and is afraid of heights and who is afraid and who isn’t perfect. I can’t stay with you guys. You’re all better than me. That’s who I was raised to be.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t even begin to compare with any of you. I’m not worthy of any of you. You’re all selfless people who really do have hearts. And I still don’t even know who I am.”

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet

Digging for Kryptonite on this one-way street

“That’s who I really am.”

Only a man in a funny red sheet

“James.” Lily reached down and tucked her hand under his chin. “You only believe that’s who you are. We know you. This you that you pretend to be…that’s who you really are. You’re just coming out of your shell into a world that’s new to you and you’re taking time to explore it in your own way. Who you were raised to be is not you. That’s who your family wanted you to be, but you can’t be who other people want you to be. You have to be yourself, and you can’t care what everyone else thinks of you. No matter who you end up being, we’ll still be your friends. Just pick the real you, the you that makes you happiest, and fulfill him. We’re not better than you, we’re just more aware. And you need to learn that sense. You don’t truly think you’re a bold, heartless, empty shell with no fear, do you?” He looked up into her bright green eyes.

“You make me rethink everything I’ve ever known,” he said softly.

Looking for special things inside of me

“Inside of you. That’s who you have to be. What’s really there, and not what someone else wants you to believe is. Listen, James. We’ll be outside when you need us. Come outside when you know who you are, and we’ll be waiting.”

Inside of me

I’m supposed to choose who I really am? But I don’t know. Am I the fearless one? Or Mr. Etiquette? Or am I a coward?

Inside of me

But how am I supposed to know? I can’t run from everything I’ve ever believed could hurt me. I have to face up to myself.

Inside of me

But the real me wants to be loved. It wants the love of my friends. So what do I have to do? I guess I just have to be the impulsive one and go where my heart leads.

Inside of me

I can’t be fearless. I can’t. And I’m not. I can’t hold up this fortress by myself. I have to let it go. Just. Like. That. And now I have to follow my heart. For the first time.

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet

I’m only a man looking for a dream

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet

He carefully made his way to the great oak front doors and outside on to the sloping lawns. Picking up his broom, he turned it over and over in his hands until he had stopped shaking. Mounting it, he closed his eyes as tight as he could and then reopened them. He took a deep breath to steady himself and looked down at the ground as it appeared to him now. Close and comforting.

And it’s not easy

With one final breath, he pushed off of the ground to where they were waiting for him. In the sky, among the clouds.

It’s not easy to be me

And he flew.