Facts of Life

The Facts of Life

A/N: I’ll try to make this as G-rated as I can but come on. THE FACTS OF LIFE are not that easy to explain. Heh heh. Oh, yeah. If you’re a Peter lover I want you to slowly walk out of the room, find a cliff, and jump. I figure if you’re stupid enough to love Peter, you will be for that simple request too. This will probably be a very big Peter-basher story. *evil grin and look* Enjoy!

“Peter. Peter! You seemed to have dozed off in the middle of our snogging session. Peter! Wake up!” Anna MacDonald, a mildly pretty Hufflepuff who was blind and dumb, and not in the mute way, shook Peter frantically, trying to wake him. With a grunt and a moan, he slowly picked himself up off the couch and shook the sleep out of his eyes.

“Anna?”

“Oh you’re awake! Finally, Peter! Honestly, you just fell asleep. There was something I wanted to talk to you - ” She was abruptly cut off, not being able to have seen Peter coming back at her neck.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” he asked in between odd nibbles or something of the sort.

“I was thinking that we’ve been going out together for several hours now. Do you want to move on?”

“What do you mean?”

“Move on. Go the whole nine yards.”

“I don’t like football.”

“No. Go around the bases.”

“I don’t like baseball either.”

“I mean the birds and the bees sort of thing.”

“I don’t like Biology either.”

“Peter! I mean the Facts of Life. Don’t you know what I’m talking about?”

“Uh…no.”

“Well come back when you do. You’re no fun otherwise.” Peter sighed rejectedly and left the room. It took him nearly an hour to find his way back to the Common Room. He accidentally walked in to an empty Charms classroom, a full Transfiguration class, and the girls’ bathroom before finally making it to the Portrait where he realized he had forgotten the password.

“Can’t you just let me in?” he begged, getting down on his hands and knees.

“Sorry, dear - er…child. You could be another person in the Polyjuice Potion.”

“I am Peter!”

“I don’t suppose anybody would want to be you, even for just an hour. But I still can’t let you in.”

“Please?! I’m on my hands and knees here!”

“No can do.”

“What if I banged on the portrait frame so that someone would hear me?”

“I’d swing open and knock you away.” Peter scowled, but luckily a girl came out at that moment staring at Peter.

“Lose the password again? It’s ‘Magic Candy’.” Peter wrinkled his nose at the phrase but used it to get inside.

Spying the other three Marauders at the couch next to the fire on the opposite side of the room, he called out at the top of his lungs, “HEY GUYS! Anna said for you guys to tell me about the birds and the bees and bases and football and the Facts of Life so that we could have more fun. D’you know what she’s talking about?” The Common Room went silent. The three Marauders paled for the first time in their lives, staring wide-eyed at Peter and openmouthed. Sirius had been chewing a piece of Drooble’s Best, but he had apparently forgotten about it and it now tumbled softly out of his mouth onto his jeans. Remus seemed halfway been stunned silence and hysterical laughing. James was looking absolutely terrified at the thought, though somehow with an odd maniacal glint in his eyes that suggested corruption was coming.

Peter strode over to the three of them. “Well, do ya’?”

“No,” said Sirius at the same time that James said, “yes!” Remus was still silent as was the rest of the Common Room. With a start, he realized it was completely empty of the hundred or so Gryffindors that had been there seconds before. Sirius looked questioningly at James’ grin and caught the drift.

“I knew this day would come!” gasped James.

“Our ickle Petie is gwowing up so fast,” Sirius sighed. The two of them shared a glance and a maniacal laugh.

“Well…,” started Remus, finally finding his voice, “do you know where babies come from, Peter?”

“I heard something about a stork or a hippogriff or something and a large bundle of blue or pink blankets.”

“Funny,” said Sirius. “Mine were black.”

“I don’t think they have anything but black where you came from,” put in James, earning him a smack upside the head from Sirius.

“And something else about a cabbage patch,” continued Peter.

“Actually, it was a Mandrake Patch,” said James. “At least that’s where we think you came from.”

“Shut-up, James,” interrupted Remus. “As I was saying, there’s a little thing that goes on between a man and a woman when they want to have a child.”

“Or a man and a man,” said Sirius.

“Or a woman and a woman,” laughed James.

“Don’t you think you two have corrupted him enough?”

“No, never,” came the immediate response from the two in synchronization.

“See there are these changes that happen when you reach a certain age that turn you from a boy to a man.”

“You sound like my father, Remus,” said James.

“He means that when you grow up, you start to smell and like girls and - ”

“One thing at a time, Sirius,” put in James.

“Well…anyway…this thing that couples do is a very big step. It’s the connection between the couple both emotionally and physically,” to which Sirius made a rude gesture with his hands and he and James both laughed while Remus glared. “There’s this connection between the…erm…parts that make boys different from girls. Both parties like it a lot.”

“He’s not going to be in a threesome!” gasped James. “You should say both members.”

“The two members enjoy it quite a bit.”

“I’ll say,” said James, putting his hands behind his head. “Some of those noises you hear coming from - ” He was stifled by Sirius’ hand clamping over his mouth. Then he fell off the couch as Sirius tackled him.

“Anyway, this…thing that these two do is very important. They both ought to want it,” he went on, ignoring the scuffles from the floor. Then Sirius’ head popped up.

“How could you not want it?!” he gasped incredulously before James’ hand connected with his head again. Peter was still staring intently at Remus, trying to learn as much as he could for the first time in his life.

“Well…guys! Help me here! This is not a subject I want to tackle on my own.” So Sirius and James tackled Remus instead. When the three finally staggered to their feet, there seemed to be a very strong bond between them. Specifically, Drooble’s gum. It was all over them. All three of them struggled to stretch in three separate directions and quickly bounced back, knocking their heads. Remus, being the sensible one, took out his wand and muttered a few choice words and a beam of light shot from his wand over him, and the gum disappeared off of him. He sat back down.

“There are certain…parts…that males have that females have the…erm…opposite of. These…erm…parts fit together like a lock and key.”

“So one guy only fits with one girl?”

“NO! It’s not like that. Sirius would know. Geez, can’t we just go the library and show you a picture of this?” At this, Sirius perked up.

“I have pictures we could show him!” he said brightly.

“God, Sirius. We don’t need to know these things,” James said, still struggling in the opposite direction.

“Hang on, I’ll get them!” he said, much too perkily.

“NO! WAIT! SIRIUS!” gasped James as he was pulled up the stairs a foot behind Sirius. “For someone who’s not that strong, you sure do get major adrenaline rushes,” said James bouncing up the stairs, panting slightly. The last thing that Peter and Remus saw was Sirius’ hand coming out to hit James before the two disappeared around a curve in the stairs. It was barely a moment before there was a great BOOM and then a CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH and the two came tumbling down the stairs in a heap of arms and legs and disgusting pictures from magazines.

“Got ‘em,” said Sirius’ voice from somewhere and one of the hands in the pile came up holding a magazine. Then there was a maniacal laugh which seemed to be getting all too familiar with this group lately.

Remus snatched it quickly, glaring all the while at the heap of flesh and bones on the floor struggling against itself in a valiant but futile attempt to break free. “GOD, SIRIUS! THESE ARE DISGUSTING!” Sirius grinned. “Well, Peter. Uh…this is a woman’s…SIRIUS! I CANNOT DO THIS!” Sirius sighed…though with much less disappointment than he should’ve had. He took the pictures from Remus who was holding his head in his hands. He began pointing out parts while James tried to tear himself away from the pictures. Unfortunately, that was useless because of the gum which was sticking different pictures of…parts…where they shouldn’t be stuck.

Suddenly there was a gasp from Peter’s mouth. “You mean that girls don’t have those things?!?!”

“Well if they did then it would make - ,” started Sirius but James smacked him upside the head before he could finish.

“Even I wouldn’t corrupt him that much.”

“It would make what, what?” asked Peter eagerly. It now became apparent that Remus was softly crying in pity into his hands.

“I thought my friends were above this,” he muttered.

“It is only supposed to happen when the couple love each other very much,” started James and Remus looked up hopefully. “But it usually happens when a man loves the woman’s - ” He stopped as Remus’ elbow connected painfully with his ribs.

“They’ve finally gone off the deep end,” muttered Peter as a pile of James and Remus rolled around on the floor tearing Sirius away from his beloved pictures.

“They were already gone,” said a voice behind Peter. He gulped as he turned around. Lily Evans.

“Will you explain this to me?” he asked questioningly. James looked up, pale in the face.

“No, Peter! Don’t show her the - ” But it was too late.

“What are these?” she asked looking at James.

“They’re…uh…nude studies?” he suggested weakly. “For art.” Lily raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah,” put in Sirius. “The art of - ” and James cuffed his jaw.

“Wrong time, wrong place.”

“Do you really want me to explain this to you?” asked Lily. Peter nodded fervently so she went on. “The most common explanation that seems to satisfy most people with the brain power of a child is that God comes along and decides to have two parents mate.”

“There can’t be any God!” Sirius exclaimed suddenly. “James is here! That’s got to be proof of some sort that there can’t be any God. He wouldn’t bestow upon us someone so - ” He didn’t get to finish as James, being rather close because of the gum, tackled him.

Lily shook her head. “Boys.”

“Somebody really just ought to tell him what’s going on,” Remus said from his place on the floor as Peter looked from Lily to Remus to the James/Sirius/gum mess.

“James can show him!” said Sirius. “With Lily!” No sooner had he said this then he was on the floor again, pulling James along with him. There were fists flying everywhere and everything was slowed down by the gum. Lily and Remus finally were able to pull the two to their feet and then apart. But not very. Lily and Remus pulled from opposite sides, wrapping their arms around James’ waist and Sirius’ arm, respectively. With a loud ‘THUCK’ they came flying apart into two piles. Lily and James were stuck together, though they didn’t seem very unhappy about the whole thing. Sirius and Remus were stuck together, though with much less enthusiasm. Remus tried the charm once again, but it didn’t work. Finally he whipped out his wand, pointed it at Sirius and started hurling Charms at him. First he tried the Banishing Curse which only pulled them apart about two feet before they sprung back together. Then he tried a Stupefying Curse, Petrifying Curse, and a curse that made your socks green. None of them worked except to make Sirius extremely dizzy and except for the fact that the gum didn’t seem to like the socks. Having had enough, Remus finally stormed out “WADIWASI!” The gum rolled itself into a ball and shoved itself up Sirius’ nose.

“Thags so buch,” said Sirius sarcastically. His nose seemed blue and about the size of a coconut. “Jus’ what I beeded.”

“You’re very welcome,” said Remus with a little bow. Sirius would have swung at him, but he was busy pulling the gum from his nose.

Meanwhile, Lily and James didn’t seem to mind the close proximity at all. They were laughing and talking and Peter rolled his eyes. Then he brightened up. “Is this what she means?” he asked excitedly. There was no answer as every one was too preoccupied with themselves.

When Remus and Sirius came over, Remus looked up and said, “oh good! An educational play!”

“Get od wif it already,” said Sirius, still pulling out gum. Lily and James both jumped, not realizing they were being watched until just then. Lily quickly got up and tried to rush up to her dormitory, but sprang back. “Can’d resist the Botter charb?” asked Sirius. “Ah, got it!” he said as the large chunk of gum fell out.

Frustrated, Lily pulled out her wand and muttered, “Wadiwasi!” The entire hunk of gum surrounding her and James rolled itself into a ball and shoved itself back into the vacancy in Sirius’ left nostril.

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH,” he screamed. Lily left while the other three Marauders just stood there laughing.

Finally Peter managed to gasp out, “could you please teach me this now? I need to get back to Arla.”

“I thought her name was Anna,” said James uncertainly.

“Whatever.”

James held up his hand to stop Peter. “First rule of dating: girls don’t like it when you don’t know their name. Geez, Patrick.”

“It’s Peter,” he ground out. James looked at him pointedly. Peter just gazed vacantly back at him. James began to wonder what was between Peter’s ears besides lint and air, if anything.

“Get her name right,” said James. “Because if you don’t - let me tell you - not only will you not get any, but girls have an uncanny knack for public humiliation of their boyfriends as well as incredibly strong slapping hands.”

“That’s so sexist,” said Remus.

“But it’s so true. Ask Sirius. He knows from personal experience. He knows more than any of us from personal experience.” Sirius glared which didn’t work too well as there was still a large blue glob sticking out of his nose.

“AS I WAS SAYING SO I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS NINETEEN TIMES!” yelled Remus. He grabbed a picture. “This goes here, this goes here, and these usually go here,” he said, pointing. “When you put them together, you will more often than not get a baby but not if you use the proper charms first. I refuse to do them on you. She can.” Peter’s eyes widened. Sirius sneezed…sort of. James just laughed.

“The whole nine yards means that she wants to do ‘it’ with you. The birds and the bees is the story of all this. Unfortunately, you had to get it from a most unreliable source,” he said shooting Sirius and James a look, “but you still got it. That’s also what she means by the Facts of Life.” He gave Peter a shove out the door. “Now go on before you have to see the carnage of what I’m about to do to these two.”

“Way to go, Moony. That was so straightforward.”

“You sboiled our fub,” said Sirius. Or at least, tried to say Sirius. Remus growled in a very wolf-like way and leapt at the other two.

When Peter got back to the Common Room, the three were sitting by the fire. James and Sirius looked awfully…ruffled and Sirius was still pulling out odd bits of gum from everywhere. From the looks of it, he had sneezed again. There were a few people lounging about the Common Room who all eyed Peter warily as he came in. James whistled at Peter and began to tease him.

“So how did it go?” asked Remus.

“I broke up with her in time, luckily. She kept saying something about bases. Doesn’t she listen? I hate baseball. She’s so dense.” Remus, the calm one of the group, chose that moment to tackle Peter and beat him senseless. James jumped around the edge, trying to avoid Remus, but help him at the same time. Sirius sneezed.