Interview With Lord Voldemort

Television Interview With Lord Voldemort

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about your childhood.

Next question, please.

INTERVIEWER: All right, tell me about all your embarrassing failures.

You have a death wish, don't you?

INTERVIEWER: Okay, let's move on to some less personal questions to start out with. How do you start your morning routine?

Have a cup of coffee, read the Daily Prophet, and then plot anarchy and the downfall of civilization. And the death of Harry Potter, of course.

INTERVIEWER: What's your favorite book?

I'd have to say... Crushing the Will of the Weak With No Remorse.

INTERVIEWER: Looks like we've got a lover of fine literature here, folks.

It looks like we've got an annoying little man who is not nearly as clever as he thinks he is.

INTERVIEWER: Yes... Well... *ahem* Moving on, then. What job skills do you possess?

How to explain my master plan in less than sixty seconds. I also speak parseltongue. And if I do say so myself, I have an IQ that is more than above average. I'm also pretty good at killing people who get in my way. Well... most of them. (something incoherent, including the words "Potter" and "die") But what do you care? All domineering megalomaniacs are self-employed.

INTERVIEWER: What did you want to be when you grew up?

Supreme dark overlord of all mankind. Either that or a lawyer.

INTERVIEWER: What made you change your name?

Anagrams are fun. Besides, would you be afraid of a guy named Tom?

INTERVIEWER: Tom Hanks is pretty scary. But that's beside the point. Next question. Do you have any pets?

I have my followers. I trained them, I tell them what to do, and pretty much control their lives. Do they count?

INTERVIEWER: How do you normally spend your weekends?

Plotting world domination.

INTERVIEWER: What are your religious beliefs?

I am God. Worship me.

INTERVIEWER: If you were granted one wish, what would it be?

World peace.

INTERVIEWER: You're kidding.

No, I'm positive the world would be quite peaceful if I were able to kill all who opposed me.

INTERVIEWER: Uh huh, moving right along... What torments you in your greatest nightmares?

Unicorns, rainbows, and puppy dogs with big eyes.

INTERVIEWER: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Are you kidding? I'm perfect. Well... anyone could stand to be a bit more powerful. Power is everything.

INTERVIEWER: Whom do you most admire?

Myself.

INTERVIEWER: What do you think of the war on terrorism?

That's not my concern. It's the muggles' problem. But on a personal note, I think it ought to be stopped. I've never objected to a little healthy terrorism.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is the greatest threat to society today?

Me.

INTERVIEWER: What is your deepest, darkest secret?

I could tell you. But then I'd have to kill you.

INTERVIEWER: What is your normal reaction whenever confronted by a holy symbol, garlic, silver weapon, or holy water?

Laugh maniacally and kill the superstitious fool.

INTERVIEWER: It's the end of the world. An atomic blast has just leveled the cities and destroyed the human race. Mutants now walk the streets and the seas have boiled away to nothing. You've just seen your best friend torn to pieces, and civilization as you know it is over. What do you do?

Congratulate myself on a job well done.

INTERVIEWER: Any closing comments?

Die horribly.

INTERVIEWER: All right, then. Obviously, the writers are getting short on ideas for them to bring this headcase into the studio. I'm going to have to have a talk with my agent. That's all for tonight folks. Stay tuned for the six o'clock news.