Rating:: PG-13
House:: Riddikulus
Ships:: Other Magical Creature/Severus Snape Original Female Witch/Severus Snape
Characters:: Albus Dumbledore Severus Snape
Genres:: Humor General
Era:: The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
Spoilers:: Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Stats:: Published: 06/06/2004

Updated: 06/06/2004

Words: 1,671

Chapters: 1

Hits: 797

Brainful Substance

whispersfromthepast

Story Summary:: "He looked down, unaware that one look could change the course of his life forever... "``What can a mysterious stranger do to Hogwarts? A lot.

Posted:: 06/06/2004

Hits:: 797

Author's Note:: Lots of thanks to my lovely beta Jayne! She did great to this.

Brainful Substance

By Vren

It was a dark and stormy night. In the village of Hogsmeade, every window was closed to keep the rain out, as lightning streaked the murky sky like searchlights from the underworld, looking for innocent souls to take into its realm, which actually was true in case someone happened to go out in weather like that and get struck by one of those lightning strikes.

However, no one was willing to risk the kingdom of the dead by wandering outside (even though they all claimed that they weren't superstitious and therefore didn't believe in such preposterous stories) and kept as far away as possible from the windows, just in case a lightning bolt strayed in (enough about those, already). Therefore, no one was able to see a lonely figure shuffling along the main street, struggling with the slimy mud.

"Ouch! Get off!" the figure shouted and hit the mud with a stick.

The mud, although a brainless substance, knew it was its cue to stay behind. However, back to the matter of the lonely figure. It was a girl, clad in a black cloak, fighting against the wind trying to slow her way.

"Aargh! Stop it!" screamed the girl, waving her hands in the air before her. The wind immediately gave up and abated, because, although, again, the wind was a brainless substance, it knew that the girl was an opponent not easily won, and it floated away to bother mysterious wanderers somewhere else.

After these perils, she had finally arrived outside Hogsmeade. She continued her confident stride towards the castle of Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, lightning bolts clashing in the sky behind the castle, as though trying to scare her away, as an omen of Evil. But the young woman was not easily scared away, and she kept walking towards the castle, cursing the lousy connections as she went.

She did not care about the rain pummeling her beautiful hair, nor the water drenching her exquisite facial features (she was not afraid of her make-up smearing, either, because she had naturally arched, long, jet black lashes, flawless complexion and lovely pale rose-coloured lips). The girl craned her neck and let out a quavering sigh that made even the nearby rocks, albeit a brainless substance, echo her gesture out of the sheer pleasure of her wonderful beauty.

Finally, she arrived at the stony steps leading to the front doors of the castle. Using her last strength, she ascended the stairs and knocked on the door. Although her hand was small and delicate (yet not weak), the sound her knocking made was multiplied by the meaning and spirit she put in it, desperate for someone to come and let her in from the ravaging storm. (It might have had something to do with the great acoustics of the castle as well.) After that, her last bit of strength was drained from her and she fainted, her oh-so beautiful lips slightly apart.

Not after a second, the door opened. The darkly attractive man, his hair sleek and black, his eyes grim yet seductive, the distant professor, Severus Snape (who did you think?) peeked out, fascinated by the somehow melodic, yet somehow foreboding sound that had resonated from the door just a few moments ago. For a while, his eyes scanned futilely the dark scenery in front of him, not seeing anything, resisting the urge to look down, because what could be there except for bugs and mud? He admonished the voices in his head for such a silly message and decided to go back to bed to his dear Mr. Fluffy, his only friend. But behold! It must have been fate, because when he tried to close the door, it wouldn't close. (On closer inspection, one would find that the girl's hand had somehow managed to get caught in the door. It appeared that Mr. Snape had almost broken her arm.) He looked down, unaware that one look could change the course of his life forever... Once his eyes met the beautiful form of the stranger, a spectrum of emotions he had never known opened before his eyes, vivid and lucid as sunshine, and nearly as blinding. She was beautiful, unlike any creature he had ever seen; beautiful like the very first gaze you place in the freely rippling surface of water after a long winter of being captured under the harsh ice; beautiful like the dance of falling leaves against the golden sun in the autumn; beautiful like the sparkling diamonds on the snowdrifts; beautiful like a lost jewel once its found again; beautiful like the moon and the sun and the stars, yet she scared him with her beauty. He was afraid she would blind him with her dazzling appearance. (Mr. Snape quite liked his eyesight, and didn't want to end up being a mole like that outrageous Potter.)

Her slightly parted lips made Mr. Snape think of the mountains bathing in the morning light, her nose of the sculptures of the Greek goddesses, so refined and perfect it was. Hereekbones were delicate, yet they indicated a firm confidence and strong will. Her eyes were shaped like almonds, which made him think about the almond cakes Mrs. McGonagall used to make.

God, he wanted those cakes right now. He wondered if Mrs. McGonagall would be angry if he went and woke her up just then and asked her to make the cakes. In his brilliant mind, Mr. Snape weighed the opportunities of staying in the hospital wing for two weeks in crucifying pain and possibly getting those cakes. Well, he was quite used to pain anyway, being an ex-Death Eater and all. Then he suddenly wondered if Voldemort could bake, but the mental image of the Dark Lord in an apron with the text "Kiss the chef!" soon made him decide to drop that train of thought. Soon he'd be picturing Mr. Dark Lord doing nude modelling or something -- Mr. Snape shivered as he wondered what sick abyss of his mind had produced that.

Oh, well, not that it had been the first time.

Compelled by these haunting thoughts, he almost broke the girl's arm again, trying to close the door. Quickly his eyes swivelled back to the impossibly attractive creature. Her unconscious body was so perfect, supple and gracious, in the greatest bloom of youth, waiting for a man such as Mr. Snape to gather her in his arms and protect her from everything the world might conjure to tear them apart. Abruptly, before any unchaste thoughts about this angel of heavens could lift their heads, Mr. Snape decided to do something. He wondered if he should get her in from the rain, and instantly wondered why he hadn't thought that before.

To avoid as much body contact as possible and, therefore, unchaste thoughts and reactions, he grabbed her wrist and dragged her in. (He had conveniently forgotten his wand in his room.) Now, where would he take this unnaturally wonderful lady? He considered his room, but quickly discarded the idea, afraid of any unchasteness that might have ensued. Now, what was the temple of chastity? First, he thought of the hospital wing but the overload of beds posed the opportunity of straying thoughts and other parts of one's being.

Ah, how hadn't he thought of it before? The Headmaster's office, of course. Thinking about Professor Dumbledore made him think of bees and flowers, and there was nothing unchaste in them. He grinned at his wicked cleverness and took the girl's wrists in his hands again. But after a second of dragging her up the stairs, he started to think about doing unholy things to the pale skin of her palms, and couldn't help the beads of perspiration that trickled down his hands, almost feeling like the faint touch of the girl's hand if he strained his imagination to the extreme.

"AAAHHH!" Mr. Snape screamed in frustration. Strangely, no one came to usher him into bed. It might have been because Snape's screams were almost a nightly occurrence, and no one cared anymore.

Angrily, he dropped her hands. Now lacking the pulling force, she slid a few steps down, hitting her beautiful head on the marble everytime she went over the edge of a steod looked so beautiful on her brow, thought Mr. Snape, but quickly shook his head to clear his head of the newly found lust. He decided that it would be the safest to avoid any body contact, and then he got a masterful idea. He'd drag her by her hair! He took a thick lock of her silvery hair in his hand, avoiding the desire to sniff it and rub the soft texture against his cheek. He started to drag her even faster, hoping to get rid of the painfully pleasurable feeling that her hair caused as quickly as possible. He tried to concentrate on Mrs. McGonagall's cakes.

Too soon, but on the other hand not soon enough, he arrived at Mr. Dumbledore's office and the gargoyle. It was asleep and Mr. Snape had to kick it before it woke up.

"Ooh la la, who's that pretty lady?" it asked, waking up wholly as it saw Mr. Snape's luggage.

"That pretty lady is none of your concern, thank you very much!" screeched Snape, almost insane with avoiding unchaste thoughts involving the girl's hair, the gargoyle and himself.

"Okay, okay. I never liked blondes anyway. Password?"

"Uh," said Mr. Snape, biting his lower lip, not able to think.

The gargoyle smirked. "Don't remember?"

Mr. Snape turned his eyes to the lovely girl for inspiration, and found it soon to be a mistake. He did get an inspiration, and it got out before he could hinder himself. "Strawberry-flavoured condoms," he blurted out and cursed inwardly. He knew he shouldn't have read those Muggle magazines he'd found in the sixth year boys' dormitory.

"How did you know?" the gargoyle said, sounding flabbergasted.

"What?" frowned Mr. Snape. "That's the password? 'Strawberry-flavoured condoms'?"

"Yup."

Mr. Snape wasn't sure if he could associate chastity with Mr. Dumbledore's office ever again.

"Will you let me in, then?" he said, shaking his head to clear the unholy thoughts from his head.

"Well, I could," said the gargoyle, eyeing Mr. Snape and the girl wickedly. "But you're the one who has to get in."

"What?" asked Mr. Snape, annoyed at this delay.

"Kiss me," breathed the gargoyle, looking languishingly into Mr. Snape's eyes.

"What?!" screamed Mr. Snape, dropping the hair of the girl in shock.

"Kiss me and I'll let you in," said the gargoyle smoulderingly.

"Why do you want me to kiss you?" asked Mr. Snape, alarmed at this proposal. He was glad that the gargoyle couldn't move. "I can get you anyone you want, the Malfoy boy, if you'd like!"

"Why would I want him?" said the gargoyle with disgust in his voice. "He looks like a ferret. You, on the other hand..." he stopped and giggled very un-gargoylishly.

"Please," pleaded Mr. Snape, on one knee. "Please!"

"Ooh, just like that, beg for me!"

Mr. Snape just stared at the gargoyle, looking very scandalized.

"You could always go to your room." The gargoyle shrugged. "I can wait," he said with a wink at Mr. Snape.

After tearing a few hairs out of his head, Mr. Snape was faced again with the unchaste situations that could arise. "And besides, Mr. Fluffy isn't ready to meet any girlfriends of mine," he muttered.

"What was that?" asked the gargoyle.

"Nothing. Look, if I kiss you, will you let us in then?" Mr. Snape steeled himself.

"Of course. I promised," said the gargoyle. "Come here, darling," he breathed, opening his arms for Mr. Snape.

Mr. Snape swallowed. It took all of his willpower to go there and kiss the gargoyle, but he was able to for his love for the mysterious girl.

He had planned to only peck the lips of the gargoyle. The gargoyle, however, had other plans. It grabbed him tightly around his waist and neck to keep him in place while it proceeded to stick its tongue down his throat. To Mr. Snape's surprise, its mouth wasn't stony at all. In fact, it was soft, warm, and wet. Absently he wondered why someone had put a gargoyle like this in the hallway, but soon there was no room for thought anymore. After the worst throes of passion had passed, the gargoyle placed short kisses on Mr. Snape's temples, cheeks, nose and chin.

"I love you, my own little greaseball. Be mine forever," it whispered.

Now Mr. Snape dared to open one eye and saw a beautific smile on the gargoyle's lips. It is needless to say how unnerved he felt.

"Ooh, my love, my only one." The gargoyle stopped kissing him and just held him tightly. Mr. Snape fell limp in his arms as his knees gave out.

"Severus," it whispered and kissed his neck.

Then Mr. Snape regained his composure. "Hey, you said only one kiss! Get off me!"

To his surprise, it immediately let him go. "If you demand so, love. Come back to me soon, for a part of me dies in every heartbeat when you're not with me -"

"Phooey, just get out of my way," growled Mr. Snape, wanting to get as far away from the gargoyle as possible.

"As you wish, princess." With that, the gargoyle jumped aside, letting him in.

Mr. Snape shivered as he stepped past the gargoyle. He soon had to do that again, since he had forgotten the girl on the floor.

"Miss me already?" cooed the gargoyle everytime he passed it. "My name is Enrique, by the way! See you again soon, lover!" it shouted after him once he'd retrieved the girl.

Finally at Mr. Dumbedore's door, Mr. Snape knocked, deciding to try and forget En -- the gargoyle. Soon, Mr. Dumbledore opened, clad in his light brown nightgown, smiling jovially.

"Ah, Severus! Did Enrique cause you any problems?"

"How did you know?" asked Mr. Snape, dumbfounded.

"I just knew," said Mr. Dumbledore, tapping his nose. Mr. Dumbledore's intuition never ceased to amaze Mr. Snape, and now his respect for the elderly professor only increased. (Albeit Mr. Snape's bruised and swollen lips, messy hair and the hickeys all over his face and neck had helped Mr. Dumbledore's intuition quite a bit, the old man decided not to mention it.) "Come in," said the old man.

Mr. Snape stepped inside, dragging the girl over the doorstep. He didn't hear the dull blump of stone colliding with skin.

"Sit down, Severus."

Mr. Snape did as was told and settled the girl on the chair next to him, as though she'd fallen aslitting on it.

Through the whole process, Mr. Dumbledore watched. Cocking an eyebrow, he asked, "who is this lovely companion of yours?"

"I don't know. I thought you would." Mr. Snape decided not to ask Mr. Dumbledore about 'Strawberry-flavoured condoms'.

"Ah!" ejaculated Mr. Dumbledore. "Let's wake her up, she can tell us herself." Mr. Snape nodded in agreement as the older man took out his wand (the literal one) and tapped it on her head once.

One can imagine the shock when she suddenly turned into a chicken. "Aw, wrong spell!" Mr. Dumbledore laughed. "Age doesn't come alone. Heh heh."

Mr. Snape watched the headmaster with wide eyes as he tried again. This time, it worked fine and Mr. Snape let out the breath he didn't know he had held as the chicken turned back into the exquisite girl and she opened her eyes.

"Where am I?" she asked, blinking. Hearing her voice, Mr. Snape found new levels of delight.

"Good evening, Miss," said Mr. Dumblere, nodding.

"It's the night?" she said and laughed for no apparent reason, but for Mr. Snape it felt completely reasonable. He laughed as well.

Mr. Snape didn't see her scrunch her nose.

"Miss, could you tell us your name?" asked Mr. Dumbledore.

"You don't know my name?" she smiled. "Ah, okay. My name is Crystalia Arcana Sapphiris Elena Black Snape."

Mr. Snape's smile froze as he fainted from the force of the realization.

Mr. Dumbledore gave the unconscious man a pitying glance. "Poor Severus. Now, Crystalia Arcana Sapphiris Elena, may I call you just C.A.S.E.?"

"What?"

"Wonderful! C.A.S.E., I am headmaster Dumbledore. Welcome to Hogwarts."

"Why, thank you!" C.A.S.E. smiled sweetly. "I've heard of the sorting system. Will I be sorted?"

"Of course! Let me get the Hat." With that, Mr. Dumbledore got up and retrieved the old Sorting Hat from the shelf.

"What is that!" screeched C.A.S.E. in horror as she saw the tacky piece of antique.

"It's the Sorting Hat. It has served us well for over 1000 years."

"I'm supposed to put that thing on my head?" Being a smart girl, C.A.S.E. knew instantly what it was for. Not that it was hard to figure out from the fact that it was, in fact, a hat.

"Yes. It will analyze your mind and decide which house suits you best."

"Is it greasy? Does it have germs? How many times has it been washed?"

"It's quite clean. Try it, it won't hurt." Mr. Dumbledore offered C.A.S.E. the Hat and she placed it on her head. Soon, she started hearing a voice.

"Ah, who do we have here? " C.A.S.E. soon realized that it wasn't one the usual voices in her head.

"My name is C.A.S.E. Black Snape."

"Ah, I see that your parents have gone to this school before. Both very talented. Oh yes, I remember Narcissa Black and Seve Snape! Who would've believed!"

"What? My mother, what's her name?"

"Narcissa Black. Nowadays a Malfoy, I believe."

"You mean... Oh woe, my family!"

"Stop distracting me. I have to analyze."

"Sorry, don't mind me."

"I see that you're brave, yet cunning, kind, ambitious, smart, adventurous and studious and friendly. My faith, where shall I place you? Any last words, where would you like to go?"

"I'd just like to go somewhere where I'll get friends."

"Really? Heh, heh. Then, Hufflepuff it is!"

Then she took the Hat off because she knew that the sorting was over.

"So, Hufflepuff?" asked Mr. Dumbledore.

"Yes. What is it like?"

"You'll see," Mr. Dumbledore said, getting up. "I shall take you to the quarters."

"Err, what shall we do with this man?" C.A.S.E. pointed at Mr. Snape.

"Oh, we'll just take him to the entrance of my room. I'm sure that Enrique will take good care of him."

***

Two months later, in the headmaster's office...

"So, Severus, your daughter is quite well, I assume?" asked Mr. Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling.

"Oh, yes, very well." Mr. Snape's face was grim as the other teachers snickered. They found the fact that Severus Snape's daughter was in Hufflepuff infinitely amusing. But it had one plus side. Mrs. McGonagall had started to make her almond cakes more often, possibly due to sympathy.

"I see she has befriended many people already. The Gryffindors, yes?"

"Exactly." Mrs. McGonagall nodded. "But I'm not quite sure of the effect she's had on them, especially after Ms. Granger came to me to express her worry concerning this girl."

"I agree," chimed Mrs. Sprout. "Since she's arrived, they've started throwing pyjama parties at an alarming rate."

"And almost the whole male population is tragically in love with her. What is it going to do to their grades?" asked Mrs. Vector, concern in her voice.

"Hey, look!" Mrs. McGonagall suddenly shouted, pointing out of the window. They saw Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger and C.A.S.E. nancing on the beach. Although they couldn't see from the high tower, Ms. Granger was rubbing her hands together conspiratorially and cackling silently.

"It's funny, how she managed to make Potter, Weasley and Malfoy drop their grudges," pointed out Mrs. Vector.

"Unbeliveable," muttered Mr. Snape.

Then, suddenly, they all gasped as a tentacle emerged from the lake causing large waves crash against the beach. C.A.S.E. screamed as it grabbed her tightly and, in a moment, she'd disappeared under the surface. Crystalia Arcana Sapphiris Elena Black Snape was gone.

Everyone was silent for a moment. "Well, Vector," said Mrs. McGonagall, "I believe your grade problem has been solved."

***

Hermione's plans always worked, and as the boys sat crying on the beach, she was congratulating herself for freeing their school from that devil's spawn. (She thought that name was quite accurate. After all, her father was Mr. Snape.) She'd been planning this for a while already, and finally it had been fulfilled. She placed a sad smile on her face and walked to the beach.

"Oh, this is horrible!" She feigned crying and threw herself into Ron's arms.

She'd known that her plan would work. For sometimes it seemed that the Giant Squid was the only substance with brains around. In addition to herself, of course.

*****THE END*****

Author notes: Liked it? Hated it? Please let me know by reviewing. This was my first attempt at writing purely humorous fiction, and any comment you can give would be very helpful.

This fic was inspired by a challenge by my sister, thanks to her as well!