Yes, Dear

What if Voldemort somehow managed to get himself a wife?

An ugly, milk white, nose-less, humanoid sits next to his trusty death eater cronies and plots new ways to kill Harry Potter and take over the world.

"TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE," a shout leaks into his train of thought, "YOU'D BETTER COME CLEAN YOUR PLATE!" The man curses under his breath. "... Or else," the woman adds just loud enough for her husband to hear.

The man assures himself that he's still the most powerful wizard in history before answering, "Yes, dear!" The man hurries into the kitchen and uses magic to clean his plate, and send it back into the cabinet. He goes back into the study and sits in his comfy chair. His pathetic cronies stand like soldiers. Suddenly, an idea hits him. He informs his loyal Death Eaters that his next plan to lure Harry Potter out of school involves pigs and chocolate. The buffoons mumble their agreement. The man's wife, who has been listening from the kitchen using Extendable Ears she bought from an ad in The Daily Prophet, hollers her disagreement, stating that his idea was the absolute worst idea she'd ever heard. The man tells his wife that he doesn't care what she thinks. A gasp emits from every mouth in the room besides the man's. The woman then flies off the handle. She yells louder than anyone ever thought possible. The man cowers in fear of his wife. He protects himself by hiding behind a large Death Eater. The woman sends curses every which way. Before long, the man is hiding behind a purple dancing slug covered in boils. He stands up and races outside, protecting himself from his wife's wrath with one of the many spells he knows. The man hides behind a garbage can and listens to his wife yell at the top of her lungs. After about an hour it gets dark and her screaming wavers. The man pops out from behind the garbage can, scaring a young Muggle who runs away screaming.

The man decides to go in the back way, because he is afraid that his wife may be waiting by the front door. As he's about to go in through the back door, he realizes that his wife's Kneazle is watching him. He decides to creep up the vines with a hope that he could hide in his room before the cat-like creature tells his wife he's there. As the man slips into his room, he hears a shriek, causing him to lose his balance. He holds on, but accidentally drops his wand to the ground. He quickly slips into the room and sees that the shriek he heard came from his house-elf. He wants to strangle the house-elf, but suppresses the urge by imagining his wife's reaction. The man instructs the house-elf to go get the wand because he feels weak without it. He looks out the window and, with horror, realizes that his wife has gotten there first. He hears the wand snap and his wife walks back into the house triumphant. The man needs to get back at her. But, how? He doesn't have much power with a broken wand. Then an idea hits him like a bolt of lightning. He would ask a certain rat he knew to scare the living daylights out of her. The man transforms into a snake and slithers away to put his plan into action.