The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir

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Harry Potter and the Totally Tubular Adventure

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Draco Malfoy was not in a good mood. It was the first time in his life he had to put up with constant jeering, ridiculing, mocking, and other such things for an entire day. An entire day. Directed at him, no less! If only his father hadn't sent that Howler...

His futile attempt to keep up his jaunty appearance failed as he was met with more jeering in the Great Hall. Draco seated himself at the Slytherin table by his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle, as per usual. At least they supported him throughout this crisis. The boy also made extra sure that there were no letters sent via owl post to him this fine morning; it would be horrible to have to put up with an apology Howler on top of that rather embarrassing lecture he received just the day before. Draco shuddered at the thought, wondering what the hell had gotten into his father to send him something like that.

He cast Fred and George Weasley a wary look and a sneer as he caught sight of their snickering faces. He'd show those Muggle Lovers some day. Revenge is always sweet...

With nary a word, Draco dug into his breakfast meal.

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Meanwhile, at a nearby table...

"Oh! Did you hear?" a 4th year Hufflepuff asked of her friends. Gossip, galore! "A famous wizard is supposed to be visiting Hogwarts for Valentines Day!"

"Who hasn't?!" A wistful sigh from another Hufflepuff female. "It's going to be so exciting! I wonder who it will be?"

"I hope it's a handsome one!" squealed a third.

"Oh, of course he will be!" A fourth girl butted into the conversation. "You know what I heard? I heard it's going to be--"

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?!" a high-pitched voice shrieked from the Slytherin table. Fred and George fell to the floor in peals of laughter, much to the dismay of a red-faced Malfoy. "I demand to know what you Muggle-lovers have done to my voice!" It sounded as if Draco had inhaled a huge amount of helium and then had been kicked in a Most Uncomfortable Area. HARD.

The twins, still sniggering uncontrollably, strolled on over to Draco. "I see you've discovered our Screeching Sweets, Malfoy," Fred announced with a mischievous grin.

"We did a mighty good job hiding it in your muffin, didn't we?" George continued, smirking. "It makes your voice sound like you've just been kicked in the nads. No offense, Professor." Professor >D simply grinned with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and watched as Fred continued their small speech on Screeching Sweets.

"Yeah. It's our new invention!"

"Too bad it'll only last for an hour or so."

"Or so!?" Malfoy squeaked, horrified.

"Hey, it is the prototype, after all!" Fred finished with a shrug.

The twins burst into yet another peal of laughter as they stumbled back to the Gryffindor table, struggling to breathe. By now, almost the entirety of the Hall (and definitely all of the Gryffindors) had heard what happened to Draco and had erupted with their own roars of laughter.

Draco found this ridicule too much to bear. With a 'harrumph' of dissatisfaction and a rather high-pitched mutter of how his father would be forced to deal with this, he stormed out of the Hall and back to the Slytherin common room, leaving the uncontrollable laughter of the remaining students behind.

However, one group of students was not laughing...

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all pale and worn out from the previous night's adventures. Dark, heavy bags hung beneath their bloodshot eyes, indicating their obvious fatigue and the signs of a sleepless night.

Hermione sighed deeply, breaking the silence of the group. "I think we should tell Professor McGonagall. We're endangering the entire school by holding off like this."

"No," Harry spoke with resolve, startling his two friends with his tone. "We will not tell anyone. Besides, they're after me, not you. And Lupin is still helping me out, right?"

"AND Harry will get in major trouble for wandering the halls at night," Ron pointed out. "We already got caught doing that once, remember? He can't tell a teacher now! He'll be expelled for sure!"

Hermione simply cocked a mousy brown eyebrow at Ron. "So you expect us to solve this case all by ourselves with multiple criminals making attempts on Harry's life?" She sighed at Ron's scowl. "Look. I don't want you expelled, either, Harry, but we have to tell someone sometime."

"We'll send an owl to Dumbledore and tell him the whole story when he gets back," Harry stated firmly. If I'm not dead by then...

Hermione begrudgingly gave the scarred boy a slow, hesitant nod of approval. "I'd prefer if you told someone now...but I won't get any better from you, will I?"

"Nope."

A sigh. "I thought so."

Silence fell once more as they returned to their breakfast.

"Nad's stockroom today, right? During Potions?"

"...You're hopeless, Harry."

"Let him do what he wants, Hermione! Nad won't punish him even if he was caught, after all..."

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While all the students were out in the Great Hall, laughing at poor Draco Malfoy, a lone figure was padding stealthily across the school, pausing every so often at a hidden nook or cranny to scoop out blue-speckled something s into the burlap bag he was carrying. It looked like he was hefting small blue-colored rocks, but on close observation it was clear that the 'rocks' were actually body-bound jobberknolls. With a grunt the unknown figure (who we all know is Snape, really. We're just building up drama. Kind of. As if this fic could have any drama at all. In fact, we- *is whapped by Larikins* err.... yah. XD) heaved the bag over his shoulder and set off to the statue of Vincent the Valiant, passing casually through his bum...

...and emerging from an elegantly carved mahogany door that led to a hallway with four other rooms. He knocked (more like kicked) at two of the doors and opened the other one, slipping inside. Soon after, a pair of men (who we really know are Lupin and Black, it's just tha- *whap* Err...) entered Snape's room. Lupin entered in an extremely bad mood; apparently the Armani dissolved all clothes that were thrown over them and couldn't be taken off. It also seemed that Sirius had finally found the shower. He claimed that he had crawled into the wardrobe and met a little centaur-like man who offered him tea and a good wash. Snape snorted disbelievingly; he still didn't believe in Black's tale of innocence, much less this new preposterous concoction that evidently involved not only his wardrobe, but also a huge lion and a witch. *cough*

"So, what'd you call us here for this bright and early in the day, Snapy?" Black asked, eyeing the burlap bag with suspicion. "Did you make a pact with a young girl to weave thread into gold and then carry off her firstborn son? Because I have to tell you, it's already been done."

His only reply was a sneer from Snape. Surprisingly tame, considering that Sirius and Severus had been at each other's throats ever since they had come to Hogwarts all those years ago.

The two pulled up chairs and sat down as Snape overturned the bag, sending out a tumble of petrified jobberknolls. Lupin looked nonplused as some of the birds bounced and rolled beneath Snape's bed. "Unless you've started a jobberknoll collection and you felt the burning urge to tell us, Severus, I think we have better things to do." He started to rise from his seat, but Snape grabbed his sleeve and forced him back down.

"You idiot," he hissed, drawing a curiously hooked silver dagger from his own sleeve (Lupin's eyes widened at the sight of silver) and pointing it at the jobberknoll. "I've gone to the trouble of planting jobberknolls around the school to try and overhear some of our... replacement's conversations."

Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes. "That's impossible, Snape. Jobberknolls record every single thing they ever hear. And they scream it all backwards. You want us to sit through hours of screaming bird-chirp for a smidgen of talk that we can't even understand?" He too made as if to rise from his seat.

"Sit back down, you fool," Snape said. "Or else I'll turn you into a rabbit and push you into a Top Hat of Imprisonment forever." Sirius winced and sat down quickly as Snape brandished the silver dagger, which made a strange whistling sound as it cut through the air. Lupin flinched, following the dagger's movements rather intently. Snape pulled him closer with a scowl.

"As much as I'd like to use this on you, werewolf, I'm afraid that you still have uses, however minuscule and insignificant they may be. I'm going to explain to you two idiots just once. This," Snape said, gesturing towards the silver dirk, "is a Selecting Stiletto. It allows you to draw specific memories and thoughts from Pensieves more accurately than wands can. A recent discovery made it clear that when used to kill a jobberknoll, it not only selects the sounds you want, but also plays them correctly. Let's try, shall we?" With that, the greasy (Snape had not discovered the shower) convict drew his dagger across the frozen bird's throat, being careful not to cut its windpipe.

Death obliterated the locking curse that was on the bird as it opened its mouth and began screaming. Although the jobberknoll had no lips to speak of, articulate, albeit extremely loud, human speech could be heard.

Unfortunately, the voices were not Nad and Sonores. Instead...

"Penelope..." A distinctly male voice could be heard.

"Percy, my love..." A female tone this time. Both were so soft and mushy that Snape was looking quite sick.

"I've been thinking for a while, Penelope, and I've decided..."

"...Percy?"

"Penelope Clearwater, will you marry me?"

Snape abruptly grabbed the jobberknoll and threw it back into the bag. Pointing his wand at the muffled, but still extraordinarily loud voices, he spat, "Silencio," cutting off the two lovey-doveys. "Next," Snape ground out, looking like he was regretting his idea already.

~Some time later~

Snape was starting to look even more sallow than usual, and halfway through the third jobberknoll Lupin had clapped a hand to his mouth and lurched towards the chamberpot room. Sirius had snatched Snape's fluffy pink earmuffs and was holding his hands over them in a death grip, humming extremely loudly. The sixth jobberknoll fell.

"Oh.. oh my! It's so big, Justin!"

"I tried an Engorgement Charm on it, Hannah. To make it feel better."

"Mm... I... I don't think it will fit."

"Don't worry, honey. It'll hurt a bit at first, but then everything will be all ri-"

Snape suddenly grabbed his wand and pointed it at the bird, which promptly exploded in a burst of speckled blue feathers. Lupin returned from the bathroom, looking seasick.

"Next...?" he asked weakly, a hint of dread creeping into his voice.

~Some time later~

Almost all the jobberknolls were gone, and Snape's once pale white skin was now turning a sickly jaundiced yellow. Sirius was still humming, although his voice sounded strained and his eyes were getting bloodshot. Lupin was out cold, having smacked himself in the head with a fruitcake piece shortly after the twelfth bird, which had recorded a rather sordid foursome between Fred and George Weasley, Angelina Johnson and Katie Bell.

Severus Snape was seriously considering just blasting the remaining jobberknolls into small bits to keep from having to hear more explicit lovetalk, but just as he raised his wand for a Dismemberment Curse, he heard a most welcome voice.

"Hello, Serena! I daresay it was a fun day, don't you think?" It was Nad. Snape's eyes gleamed with triumph as he leaned forward. Noticing the look on Snape's face, Sirius cautiously removed the earmuffs and listened as well. Lupin... was dreaming of meat. Let's not mind him, shall we?

The word 'Imperius' flashed past and Snape stuck the silver dagger, now spotted with crimson, into the jobberknoll's throat. Sirius winced in sympathetic agony as Severus slowly pulled the dirk out, along with a thread of writhing silver that looked like it belonged in a Pensieve. Snape drew his wand and tapped the thread with the end. The jobberknoll's last message echoed through the room.

"Besides, the Imperius against Sinistra went exactly as planned. She'll do whatever we wish of her!"

Sirius looked utterly gobsmacked. "Alexandria Sinistra? That little Hufflepuff girl? She was a first year when we graduated! D'you mean she's a teacher?"

A short nod from Snape. "And she's being controlled by..." His upper lip curled in disgust. "Knum Nad. Imperius can't be detected except at the initial casting, and Dumbledore wasn't here when it was incanted. Which means we'd have no proof." He gestured at the dead jobberknoll, which was busily bleeding all over the floor.

"We have to help her break free!" exclaimed Sirius, looking positively appalled at Snape's callous manner. "She's being controlled, Snapy!"

Snape snorted disdainfully. "And ruin our chance to catch the culprits in the act? You're even more idiotic that I thought, Black."

Sirius looked as if he was about to protest, but shut up when he saw the slightly mad glint in Snape's eyes. Perhaps all that potion brewing had messed up the greasy-haired man's mind, because he looked absolutely obsessed.

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Speaking of potion brewing, our other trio of the fanfic had just walked into Nad's dungeon. It was, as expected of Nad, festively decked out for the wintry months; he even went so far as to have illusionary, sparkling snowflakes flutter to the ground from the ceiling. Unfortunately, Hermione, Ron, and Harry were not lively enough to enjoy the decorations.

In fact...

Ron Weasley struggled to stay awake. His sleepless night had definitely caught up with him as he fought to keep his eyelids open. Even Hermione was having problems staying attentive in her state; she had admittedly missed many of Neville's pleas for help during the day's lesson. And Harry? Well...

"Mr. Potter?" A man's voice vaguely penetrated the boy's thoughts. Hm...I wonder who that is? It sounds familiar...

"Mr. Potter...?" The sound of approaching footsteps was far-off to Harry's ears, almost as if he were dreaming. Wonder what's going on?

"HARRY! WAKE UP!"

Harry Potter jolted upright at the shout, knocking his cauldron full of boiling liquid airborne. It flew through the air and spun spectacularly a few times before deciding to fall rim-down to the ground, spilling its steaming contents all over the shiny floor (which Nad quickly cleaned up with a spell). "Wha...?" he muttered as he adjusted his glasses and gathered his bearings. He looked up to Nad's smiling face.

"Why, Harry, you had very nearly fallen asleep into your cauldron! I don't think you would have enjoyed spending the rest of the day at the hospital wing to treat your burns, so I took the liberty of waking you." His grin faltered slightly as he took a closer look at Harry's exhausted appearance. "Are you all right, Harry?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine..." he mumbled, ignoring the worried looks Ron and Hermione shot him.

The corner of Nad's mouth twitched slightly in response, the closest to a frown anyone would receive from the cheerful man. He reached into his robes and pulled out a small vial of neon green liquid and promptly uncorked it. With a renewed grin, he held the vial out to Harry. "Drink this! It should make you feel better."

Harry, too trusting of his professor (not to mention too tired to care what it was), accepted the potion without a second thought. "Thanks," he said gratefully as he chugged the thin green substance. He handed the empty vial back to his professor with a curious look.

"Don't mention it," >D replied with sincerity. He watched for a reaction from the boy, waiting for the effects of the potion to start up. "How is it?"

Harry frowned and waited. "When is this stuff supposed to start wor---Whoa."

The world around him began to spin as he opened his eyes to a fuzzy new land of bright lights and happiness. This stuff was pretty cool...

"Hey...thanks, man. That stuff was totally diggin'," Harry said with a slur. Something was obviously wrong with him. Hermione, of course, strode over to her friend and began to question him.

"...Harry? Are you okay?"

"Hey, Hermy-baby...Nevah been bettah. Love ya, girlie," he slurred, grinning. Hermione gave him an odd look.

"...Harry?"

"Peace, man...Peace."

Hermione turned to give Nad a wary look. "What did you give him?"

"Whoa, man! This stuff is gnarly!" Harry observed as he made an attempt to climb atop a table. "I feel like I'm totally flying, man!"

Nad grinned, apparently finding nothing unusual about the boy's behavior. "Actually, it's mostly a Muggle substance known as...Marijuana, I believe? I simply concentrated it and added to its potency!" He thought for a while and blinked. "Oh yes, and I enchanted it to work faster. Makes a better Happiness Potion that way."

Hermione's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "Marijuana?!"

"Why, yes, Hermione. Why?"

"Dude...Anyone got any weed, man?"

"Er...would root of asphodel work, Harry?" Neville asked, looking quite apprehensive as to Harry's...new disposition.

"I dunno. Can you smoke it?"

"Well, you can light it on fire," Ron added from the side, snickering at Harry's state. "Professor Nads, do you have any more of that stuff?" he asked with a mischievous smile. No doubt he was thinking of slipping Draco some of it.

"PROFESSOR!!!" Hermione shrieked, finally gathering her bearings. "You can't give students Marijuana!"

"Marry-wanna? Cool, Hermy. But I wanna shag first..."

Nad's grin faltered. "Why not? I find it to be a perfectly capable Happiness Potion. Is there something wrong, Miss Granger?"

"Yes, there is, Professor! Don't you know there are harmful side-effects to Marijuana?!"

"...Harmful side-effects?"

"Whooooa! The lights are totally spinning, man! Spinning!"

Hermione, appalled by >D's lack of Muggle drug knowledge, launched into a rather detailed analysis of Marijuana and its harmful effects. It wasn't until about 5 or 10 minutes later, when...

"..So Marijuana is a very dangerous Muggle drug! It's illegal in the Muggle world, Professor! Don't you see how it can hur--"

"That'll be quite enough, Hermione. I see that I have been somewhat... mistaken in this situation," Nad interrupted, albeit still with a wide grin. "However, Harry should be fine in a few hours. I wouldn't worry about him."

Harry, however, was busily using a cauldron as a new hat. "Duuuuude! It's all... dark in here!"

Hermione gave her friend a wary look before turning her sights back onto Nad. "Oh, no! I'm going to take Harry down to the hospital wing now. Madam Pomfrey can look over him until he's better."

"Ah, but Miss Granger, I don't think Harry really needs to be taken to the hospital wing. He's doing perfectly fine. Right, class?" Too bad Draco was absent for potions this time--the morning's traumas were too much for him to go and deal with his least favorite teacher. He would have found this entire ordeal hilarious.

Ron, however, was beginning to become unsure of Harry's health. "I don't know, Professor. He seems a bit..." The scarred boy yelped as he walked into a wall with a shout of "OUCH! Whoa, my head's all light...like a feather!" Ron frowned. "...unbalanced. You sure he'll be all right?"

"He will be if I can take him to the hospital wing," Hermione sniffed haughtily as she stepped over to the Very High Harry. She gently slipped the cauldron off his head. "Come on, Harry. It's time to visit Madam Pomfrey."

"DUUUUDE! Are we, like, gonna shag in the hallways, Hermy-baby? Tubular."

Hermione gave Harry a flabbergasted look, face flaming beet red at his comment. Never mind that he was only an 11-year-old boy and, most likely, quite a few years too young to do such a thing. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then thought better of it, shaking her head and leading her friend to the door. "Come on. We've got to get you to the hospital wing."

"Hey! Thanks for that totally gnarly stuff, Professor Balls! Hermy-baby n' I are gonna go shag in the hallways now, man! Wish me luck!" He gave the Professor a lopsided grin. "Peace and love, man."

Hermione dragged the dazed and confused Harry off without another word as Nad continued to grin senselessly.

Ron stared after his LSD-intoxicated best friend. After a few moments of contemplation and a quick check to make sure Hermione was out of earshot, he turned back to >D.

"So do you have any extra vials of that wicked stuff, Professor?"

((And this, boys and girls, was the attempt to make Harry a trite less boring for at least a smidget of the fic. ^_~))

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Hours later, Harry was finally released by a reluctant Madame Pomfrey. He had spent all day in bed with various detoxification spells and potions thrown his way...not that he remembered the events all too clearly. In fact, all of Potions class had been reduced to one gigantic blur. Hermione wasn't willing to tell him what had happened, either.

"For the last time, Harry, I'm not going to tell you!" she stubbornly insisted. "Ask Ron if you need to know so badly. I doubt you'd like what you hear, anyway."

Harry sighed. He was still a bit disoriented, but he knew exactly what his goal was for the night. "Right. I'll ask him why my head's so dizzy after we check Nad's store room..."

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, astonished at the suggestion. "You can't be serious about going today! You've only just recovered--"

"I feel fine," Harry ensured before promptly tripping over his own two feet. He grinned sheepishly and shrugged. "I wanna get it over with, anyway. We're goin'." Hermione rolled her eyes, but held her tongue for once. She couldn't change his mind, after all.

Harry and Hermione went straight back to the Gryffindor Tower from the hospital wing. The two notified Ron of the night's plans (who complained endlessly, bringing up the matter that he had absolutely NO SLEEP the night before, but begrudgingly agreeing anyway) and awaited nightfall to set their plans into motion. Harry and Ron went up to the boy's dormitories to wait for the coming of night. Suddenly Harry stopped short, goggling at the huge amount of get-well presents piled on his bed. Most prominent was a huge pile of Chocolate Frogs that lay at the foot of his bed, awaiting unwrapping. Taking one at random, he unwrapped it and bit into it, eyeing the card in his hand.

GANDALF THE GRAY

?~Third Age 3018

Arguably one of the most powerful and influential wizards of all time,

Gandalf the Gray was instrumental in the downfall of the Dark Lord Sauron,

Maker of the One Ring of Power. Leading the Fellowship of the Ring through the

vast mines of Moria, he fell into the darkness when the ancient Balrog

dragged him down into the vast pits under the mountain Caradhras.

Ron glanced idly at Harry's card, then did a double take, scrambling over and snatching the thing out of Harry's hand.

"Wicked!" the boy exclaimed, staring wide-eyed at the small, sparkling silver card in his hand. Turning to Harry, he started speaking excitedly, "Gandalf the Gray was a special Collector's Edition! There were only a hundred copies and they've all been found already! This one card is worth hundreds of Galleons, Harry!

But Harry wasn't listening to him. He was staring at the card that had come from another frog, which lay at his feet. He turned with a bemused look to Ron, holding out the card. "Is this one worth more, then?"

GANDALF THE WHITE

Third Age 3018~?

Widely acknowledged as the most powerful and influential wizard of all time,

Gandalf the White's foresight and careful planning led to the Light's victory in the War

of the Ring. He also brought about the downfall of the fallen wizard Saruman the Many-Colored.

He crossed the Great Sea (current name and location unknown) at the end of the Third Age, and revealed

that he had been the bearer of the Elven Ring Narya. His true name was Olorin.

Ron almost fainted as he stared at the small slip of enchanted paper that Harry held. He swooned and wobbled before falling backwards onto his bed. "Gandalf... the White..." he managed to whisper, before he passed out cold on Harry's bed.

After staring at his unconscious friend for a moment, Harry pulled out his wand and revived Ron, who instantly jumped for the Gandalf the White card. His eyes were bulging in a way that reminded Harry unpleasantly of Filch. Stopping his suddenly insane friend with a splayed hand, Harry asked Ron what the hell was so important about the goddamned card.

...In slightly gentler terms, of course. *Cough*

"You don't understand, Harry! Gandalf the White is a unique card! It's the first card ever made!!! It's worth more than Malfoy's mansion!!!" Ron shouted, attracting much attention from everybody else in the boy's dormitories. Harry's eyes widened; he hadn't known that it was worth quite that much.

After finally convincing Ron to shut up about the card (and locking the thing into his trunk; it gave Harry a warm feeling inside to have something that cost more than Malfoy's estate that could fit in the palm of his hand), Harry and Ron settled into their four-poster beds, waiting for nightfall.

In the time it took for the sun to set and for their roommates to go to bed, Ron and Harry were able to play two games of Wizard Chess (Harry lost twice-couldn't concentrate), finish their 4 foot long parchment essay for Sonores (Harry STILL had to do it), eat dinner, and play a few games of Exploding Snap. They even helped Neville Longbottom search for Trevor the Toad for a bit (until they found out the amphibian was hiding beneath the boy's pillow the entire time).

With the aid of the ever-so-useful invisibility cloak, they finally left the tower at roughly 10 PM.

"I'm so glad it's Friday," Ron moaned in a hushed voice. "I'll sleep in and skip breakfast if I have to tomorrow."

"Same," Harry whispered in reply. "I fee' like the walkin' dead. And I can barely walk straight."

"Well, I'm going to go straight to the library after breakfast tomorrow," Hermione snorted. "I want to see if there's any hint at all as to the construction of Hogwarts and any secret passageways it may have. I'll tell you if I find anything when you two wake up."

"SHHH! Someone's comin'!" Harry whispered urgently in his moment of clarity as the trio stopped dead and listened to the hollow, echoing sounds of footsteps approaching.

It was >D. He was patrolling the halls around the Potions dungeon. He was humming and whistling a merry tune to himself (it sounded suspiciously like "Don't Worry...Be Happy"), evidently happy about something. But then again, he didn't ever seem to be unhappy.

The trio silently slipped past their still-humming Potions professor with relative ease. The humming easily masked the sounds of their footsteps; very fortunate. Simple enough, so far.

"So how do we get in? It's locked," Ron murmured. "I suppose we can't, huh? Let's go to bed."

Hermione grabbed hold of his robes before he had the chance to get away. "Oh, no, you don't. We can still get in." With that, she calmly pulled out her wand. "Alohomora!" she chanted, moving to open the door...

Nothing happened. It was still locked.

"...Well? You were saying?" Ron retorted smugly. "Told you we can't get in."

Hermione frowned. "It must have some sort of enchantment on it to block out the unlocking spell. We'll have to use conventional methods." She dug into her robes and pulled out a paperclip (hey, it was useful to keep her parchments together) and bent it so that it was a relatively straight, thin piece of wire. Ron gave Hermione an awe-filled gaze as she picked the lock and pushed the door open with a satisfied, grim smile.

"How'd you do that?" Ron demanded as he stepped into Nad's office behind Harry and Hermione. They had slipped the invisibility cloak off and set it aside for later.

"You'd be surprised at what Muggle methods can do, Ron," Hermione said. He snorted derisively.

"A good wand and a wizard who knows how to use it is better than a Muggle and his eclectriticy any day," he said haughtily.

Hermione glared at her red-haired friend, who was looking remarkably smug. "You're starting to sound like Malfoy, Ron." Let the Bickering Match begin. For the fifty-seventh time.

Harry, meanwhile, had already approached the wall filled with potion ingredients (sorted by the required climate for each--one section for Cold ingredients, another for room temperature, one section for the dangerous ones, etc) with a bit of a stagger. "Ya have the listy, 'ermione?"

The boy's friends halted mid-argument as the only female of the group pulled out the crumpled piece of parchment from the night before. "Here it is." Hermione studied the list, then looked up at the shelves. "The first thing we need is demiguise hair, preferably...although unicorn hair will work in its place if simmered in a cauldron of pure spring water for thirty minutes."

Harry stared at Hermione for a bit longer than he usually would have (being as out of it as he was), attempting to register her words before he finally nodded and began to scan the shelves. Hermione stepped up beside him and sifted through the various ingredients.

"Let's see...root of asphodel...armadillo bile...tarantula legs..." she frowned, brow furrowing. "That's funny...where could it be?" The trio scanned the shelves once, twice...three times; but to no avail.

Demiguise hair and unicorn hair were both missing from the rather large store of potion ingredients and supplies.

"Well, great. Now what do we do?" Ron demanded as he paced about the office. "Snape must have stolen all of it! That slimy git."

"Don't jump to conclusions, Ron. We still have the rest of the ingredients to attend to." She checked the list for the next few. "All right...we need some yew tree bark, earthworms, mud, and bubotuber pus."

Ron wrinkled his nose in disgust. "And you're expected to drink that?!" he exclaimed, aghast. "Gross!"

"Taste has nothing to do with its purpose, Ron," she said curtly, unaware of how close this was to Snape's own defensive line. "We're not going to drink it, anyway. We do have the invisibility cloak, you know."

"All right, all right," Ron muttered as he stared back at the shelves.

To the group's dismay, yew bark and bubotuber pus weren't available, either. Earthworms and mud were easily obtained, of course, but all of the important ingredients missing? That was a tad bit suspicious.

"This can't be right!" Hermione exclaimed, searching the shelves frantically. "How could they have disappeared? Snape wouldn't need all of it for himself, would he? It just makes no-"

A sound from the door interrupted her hysterics. A voice shattered the trio¡¯s thoughts. "Warning. Security system online," a man declared in a high-pitched, monotonous imitation of a female computerized voice. "Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Countermeasures activated." The trio whirled around, coming face-to-face with Professor >D himself. The next time he spoke, he abruptly switched back to his normal tone.

"Well, how are you all today, my little thieves?" he asked with a grin, an indiscernible glint in his eye.

"Er...Hello, Professor Nads!" Ron exclaimed nervously. "We didn't mean anything by this... so... PLEASEDON'TGIVEUSDETENTION!" Boy, he was desperate. Perhaps he just wanted to go back to sleep? "We won't do this again, we swear! Anything but to put up with another day with Filch, Sir..."

Hermione gulped and faced her Professor, fearing the worst. With two detentions within two days, she'd never become a prefect in her later years of Hogwarts...

"Detention?" Nad laughed heartily. "I won¡¯t give you three a detention or remove any house points. I think you've had your fair share of detentions already, no?" he said with a wink and a twinkle in his eye. Of course, if the trio would bother to look closer, they would notice how much less pleasant his grin had become.

"Thank you, Professor," Harry said, still dazed. "We'll be going now." He began to stagger to the door, only to be pushed back gently by >D.

"...But you're not leaving yet." Nad smiled and motioned to a few chairs in front of his desk. "Have a seat, you three. I suppose I need to talk to you..."

The trio hesitantly sat down, wondering what, exactly, was going on. How was >D going to punish them? As far as they knew, he hadn't officially punished anyone all year just yet. He wouldn't really give them any extra work...would he?

Nads drummed his fingers on his desk, smiling at his three pupils in turn. "Well. Hermione, I'm afraid I need to ask you for that piece of parchment in your hand, dear."

Hermione, in turn, guiltily handed over the crumpled ingredients and procedures to brewing an invisibility potion. She shot Ron and Harry an 'I told you so' look, as if to say she were right about today being a bad time to try this. Nad patiently straightened out the piece of parchment and skimmed it over.

"...Invisibility potion, Hermione? Where, I daresay, had you found this?"

"In the library, Professor."

He cocked an eyebrow at his pupil. "A potion like this could be found in the library?"

"...In the restricted section, Professor."

"Ah. I see!" Nad grinned as he folded the parchment up and slipped it away into an inner pocket of his robes. "And what use would you have with an invisibility potion? Something like that is not meant for students. I'm sure you were well aware of that."

"Yes, Professor. I was."

"Then why did you look up such a potion? You have no use for it." Nad drummed his fingers against his desk in a strange sort of rhythm, purposely causing his students to become more nervous by the second.

Hermione hadn't really wanted to speak to Nad about the entire Snape ordeal. Understandable, since she hadn't really begun to trust him as much as, say, Professor McGonagall or Headmaster Dumbledore yet. She made up an excuse instead. "I wanted a challenge, Professor. I'm finding your lessons to be a bit too simple for me, so I decided to study Potions in-depth on my own."

Nad's grin shifted to a more sardonic look. "You and I both know that wasn't your true motive, child." Hermione's eyes widened, quite startled at Professor >D's words. His smile became pleasant once more. "I don't want you three to sneak around where you don't belong, now. It would be most unfortunate for my coworker and superior if all of you were to get yourselves hurt. Agreed?"

Harry stared blankly at Nad for a few seconds. "So yer lettin' us go? No punishment?" he asked quietly, a hint of a slur to his words.

"Are you for real?" Ron demanded, full of shock.

Nad smiled cheerfully and folded his arms. Upon close inspection, one would notice that he clutched his left forearm a bit too tightly to seem comfortable. "No true punishment."

Hermione, however, was perturbed by all of this. What had Nad meant when he said 'coworker' and 'superior'? Why hadn't he just mentioned Dumbledore and the other Hogwarts professors? But he only mentioned one coworker. Sonores? She arrived at the same time as >D, after all. Hermione frowned, unsure of herself. Something wasn't right. He had been far too vague for comfort.

The brain of the trio gave >D a puzzled look. She hadn't replied for awhile, simply contemplated the options. Wait...what was...What did no 'true' punishment mean? No official punishment...?

Hermione gasped as realization dawned upon her. Loudly. Oh, MERLIN...

"You....!" she forced out, wide-eyed and quite shaken. "But....!"

Nad grinned. "So glad you figured it out, Hermione, dear." Ron and Harry gave >D and Hermione puzzled looks. What was going on? "But I'm afraid I can't allow you to walk away freely knowing this information. No?"

None had noticed the professor's wand until it was too late. He whipped it out and leveled it at Hermione first, smiling widely.

"Obliviate."

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Darkness had fallen over Hogwarts, and many students were retiring to their common rooms, ready for a good night's rest after the long school day. Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris roamed the hallways with their lamplike eyes, ready to pick out any malingerers (and clandestine snoggers) who may have ignored the curfew. At the sound of Filch's heavy footsteps and the soft meow of Mrs. Norris, a black shadow, too fast and small to be seen properly in the dim lighting, darted away across the grounds. Filch paid it no mind; he was on the lookout for students, not pests.

The small animal stopped to get hold of its surroundings and a convenient patch of moonlight illuminated the creature.

It was a rat.

Of course, anybody worth his or her grain of salt would also know that this rat was known as Scabbers, formerly known as Peter Pettigrew. Also formerly known as Wormtail, which is a name which the author likes a lot, and will be using much from now on. Wormtail scampered quickly across the grass, glancing around cautiously. It wouldn't do to get caught after almost twelve years of successful concealment.

The rat, of course, had learned of Sirius Black's escape, and, being the paranoid little git he was, he assumed that the convict was out for his blood.

Sometimes, you know, it sucks to be right.

Carefully chewing a hole into the picture of a fruit bowl (and ignoring the indignant cries of the grapes as he did so) he slipped in and looked around. The house elves were all absent; after all, even they couldn't work around the clock without rest.

There was an abrupt shift in Wormtail's shadow, and suddenly the figure hunched on all fours was not a rat, but a man. A balding, pointy-faced man with watery pale eyes who would have looked a great deal more at home in a bakery than hunched on the floor in frayed, bloodstained robes.

Wormtail fell on the bread and milk arrayed on the table with an eager snuffle, spilling some in a desperate effort to get it all into his mouth. As it was, only a tiny portion actually managed to accomplish his objective; the rest found a home on his now stained robes. Eventually he slowed down, savoring every morsel before leaning back with a huge belch that shook the ceiling. It had been a little over three days since he'd had anything to eat.

In the silence following his mighty burp, a faint, mosquito-like sound tickled Wormtail's senses. He gave a careless shrug and reached for another loaf of bread; nobody could possibly be awake at this time of night. The buzzing noise approached, finally forcing Wormtail to glance up. He froze, the bread slipping forgotten from his grasp. It landed with a slight thud and rolled away underneath an oven.

"My, my. What have we here?" a cruel, high-pitched voice said. "Why, it's Wormtail, back after his oh-so-sudden... departure from my side." The voice sounded quite amused about it all.

The wormish tail in question cowered in front of the object that the camera stubbornly refused to focus on, blubbering madly. "M-m-my Lord! W-w-what a p-p-p-pleasant surprise!" Quickly he knelt and scraped on the ground, wailing his little watery eyes out.

The voice seemed to float closer, and the more it did, the more Wormtail's trembling increased. "Why, I'm not angry at all, Wormtail," it said coldly. Pettigrew relaxed slightly, although he was still wary of the floating ball in front of him. "Lord Voldemort doesn't get angry..."

"He gets revenge."

A terrified scream echoed through the kitchens, but when Filch arrived, panting madly, there was nobody there.

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