A Fanfic Unlike Any Other Fanfic

The sun glinted off the windows; the sky about as clear as it could be - and it was just another typical day in Ambler, Pennsylvania. And on this typical day, now fifteen-year old Lauren Woolsey, disgruntled, pushed herself off of her chair and walked to the bookshelf. What a stupid ass John is, she thought venomously, shooting a hand out to retrieve a sickeningly heaving book. He just had to give me this present...of all things...

A glossy picture of the White House and its forever-green lawn spanned the width of the cover. Superseding this photograph were the words, "Conservative Achievements of the Century".

John, being a devout rightist, had insisted that she peruse through this highly fascinating and informative book, and though her birthday had been months ago, he hadn't stopped nagging her about it. Lauren, being a devout leftist, had ignored him, but when he began threatening to forget her birthday and not send her at least a card, she gave in. Well, I just can't wait to read about how Bush destroyed the whole country. Why can't this just be another stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fanfic? I'm sure this sort of thing never happens in one of those.

No description of how wonderfully the forty-third president handled the War on Terror met her eyes. Instead, cramped letters covered the page. Lauren could barely read them.

January 2^nd

Cho being bitch. Again. Nancy little Ravenclaw. Then why am so infatuated still? Damn.

It struck her. Somehow, a volume of rightist propaganda had turned into...Harry Potter's diary? What the hell? Lauren thought, now confused. After a bit more flipping around, she reached an entry dated around when Harry began his fifth year.

September 1^st

Am still having dreams about Cedric after three years. Hope am not gay.

Intrigued by this side of Harry that J.K. Rowling had certainly never mentioned before, Lauren lowered her face closer to the book's pages, hoping that Harry really wasn't gay - for reasons other than politics (hint, hint). Without warning, her nose brushed against the paper, and she felt herself being sucked into the book itself. But...that wasn't possible, right? 'Course not, that only happened in stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fanfics...

* * *

With a thump, she found herself seated in a Hall full of unrecognizable people. Turning slightly to the left, a sharp jab straightened her posture. Eyes lowered, she looked around her.

"Excuse me," a rather bossy voice came from her side, "but as a prefect, I'm supposed to remind students like you to pay attention when the headmaster is speaking!"

Lauren gaped. Hermione Granger was telling her to shut up? Could she really be in Hogwarts itself? Still, she didn't want to risk Hermione's wrath and obediently looked to Dumbledore, in the middle of his speech.

"In a delightful addition to this year, we have an American exchange student at Hogwarts, just like in any other stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fanfic!" A few heads perked up. "In fact, she is sitting here right now. Allow me to introduce you to Lauren Nicole Woolsey, who will ultimately seduce the main character and supplement all the other Canon characters!"

One face in particular turned in Lauren's direction amidst the thundering applause. It had oddly familiar glasses and stunning green eyes...

"Hi," he said, his face rather pale. "My name is Harry Potter."

"And mine's Lauren," she replied, amazed her voice carried a swaying and gentle intonation that had never existed before. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Holy shit, she thought. He's even hotter than in the books...and those eyes...mmm -

"So, you're from America? We've never had any American exchange students because this isn't a stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fanfic."

"Mm-hmm. Can't you hear it in the accent?"

"What do they teach you there? The same stuff we have here?"

"Actually," Lauren began slowly, "they don't teach me anything because I already know it. After all, I am the Mary Sue around her, though, clearly, that's not my real name. No one as perfect as me could ever have such a tacky name. But, wait, I'm not a Mary Sue because those only happen in stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fanfics. Anyway, I can do anything with magic. Look, I'll make the weather change, alright?"

As Harry peered up into the ceiling of the Great Hall, she snapped her fingers briskly. In an instant, the dull clouds dissipated and a brilliant light filled the ceiling.

"Bloody hell," he finally managed to croak. "That's bloody insane."

"You know what else I can do?" Lauren offered, giving him a provocative wink.

"What?"

"Listen closely, Harry, 'cause I'm only going to say this once." Clearing her throat dramatically, she continued. "I'm going to seduce you and you will fall in love with me. Then we're going to save the Wizarding world together."

"You're going to seduce me and I will fall in love with you. Then we're going to save the Wizarding world together," he repeated simply.

So they did.

* * *

Over the course of his seventh year, Lauren seduced him and they both fell in love. After ensuring he would get top scores on his exams, they then proceeded to save the Wizarding world together. In the meantime, she easily became the most popular girl in the school, attracting every male - gay, straight, and purely evil. But she didn't pay any attention to those people because Lauren only had eyes for her one and only true love.

And in the tradition of other stupid, plotless, fluffy, sappy fics (but the author assures you that this is not one of them - really, it isn't!), everyone lived happily ever after.