From the Rubber Ducky files...

From the Rubber Ducky Files...

------A Respected Bar------

"Would you care to have a drink, miss?" Remus asked, clad in his traditional bartender outfit (a tight black t-shirt and black leather pants). Mary Sue, a new customer, giggled.

"Who, me?" she said, blushing.

Remus gave her an enchanting smile, poured her a drink, and said, "I must be in Heaven, because there's an angel in front of me."

"Oh very lame, wolfboy," Sirius emerged from the wine cellar and scoffed, putting his hands on his hips.

"Marauders make bad pick up lines sound good," Mary Sue insisted and giggled behind her hand. Remus stuck out his tongue at Sirius.

"See? She likes it," Remus said. "So there." Sirius was just about to reply when Barney cleared his throat in attempts to gain attention on the stage in the middle of the bar.

"AHEM! Today, kids, we're going to make a turkey for Thanksgiving day!" Barney said in his all-too-cheerful voice.

"But it's not close to Thanksgiving," a kid whined.

"I'm falling for you," Mary Sue said to Remus, swooning uncontrollably. Just then, she noticed something on the purple dinosaur. "Isn't that Draco Malfoy clinging onto Barney?"

"Yes it is!" Remus gasped. "What is he doing in a neon green, fluffy thong!"

"Who cares? SNOG ME, fool!" Mary Sue cried plaintively.

"Draco... you're making me horny," Barney moaned. Draco was now proceeding to do somewhat despicable things to his leg. "Not in front of the children..."

"Oh, yes!" Remus cried. He started to snog Mary Sue passionately, ignoring the cringes of embarrassment from the other people in the bar.

"Are you telling me to stop?" Draco asked pointedly, his voice somewhat muffled by Barney's leg.

"Uh..." Barney trailed off. He felt something very hard form in the lower part of his dinosaur body. Draco covered it with his hands happily, causing another kid pointed at Barney, eyes wide open.

"Oh look at Barney's---"

"My, my, my father will know about this... if you're not good," said Draco with a mischievous smirk.

"Meep," was all Barney could say. So he decided to sing. "Slytherins are such a fantastic lot, they really know how to suck. For every time I go to my lovah, we have a great big-"

"AHEM!" the director (who had appeared suddenly) shouted.

Meanwhile, the rubber ducky walked into a bar wearing a low cut dress.

"Hubba hubba!" Sirius shouted. "May I serve you, Miss Ducky?" However, the ducky gave a seductive glance to Remus. Mary Sue was furious.

"REMUS IS MINE, BITCH!" Mary Sue shouted.

"Squeak! " Rubber Ducky said and duckslapped her.

"Remus, settle this," said Mary Sue in a no-nonsense sort of way.

"Fuck. Why does Remus get the girls?" Sirius mumbled to himself. Remus reached into a secret drawer, took out a toothpick and stabbed it in a very inappropiate area of the ducky.

"Stupid duck," he growled.

"I say, that duck is..." remarked Draco.

"Thank you, darling," Mary Sue giggled. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Perhaps she was under the influence of wolflust. Just then, the ducky went to hit on Sirius, who liked the attention very much.

"Quack," the ducky quacked seductively, fluttering her eyelashes. Who knew ducks had eyelashes?

"Here, have a vodka," Sirius said in proper bartender mode. "Let's get very drunk and fuck like ducks."

"FUCK me, you big, fat, purple and green dinosaur!" Draco yelled, his hormones up to full blast. The ducky put its beak into the drink and gulped it down eagerly, though how I have no idea.

"I wanna fuck Barney!" one kid said in response to Draco.

"Me too!" another one yelled.

"I love you all kids," Barney said, "but no."

"He's mine!" Draco exclaimed.

" Nuh UH!" a kid yelled back.

"Shut up, mudblood," Draco said. He did NOT have time for this. He wanted sex. Now. Barney changed into fishnet stockings and a lacy black bra. Yum.

"Behold the great bunny socks. They're my secret to success," said Draco.

"No fair!" the kid wailed.

"Remus, undress me," Mary Sue commanded.

"Oh Miss Duck," moaned Sirius. "You sexy thang you, come to papa." Remus started to cast a disrobing charm on Mary Sue, muttering "Mm.. shezzy." under his breath. Mary Sue, needless to say, jumped on him eagerly.

"I want you," she growled. Grrrrrrrrrrrrroooooowl. Remus licked her. The ducky, getting decidedly drunk, pecked Sirius's face. Sirius giggled manly like.

"Ooh, fiesty. I like that in my ducks," he said.

Just then, to complicate things, Voldemort walked in the room.

"What about me?" Bobette, a friend of Mary Sue, asked.

"Take Peter," Voldemort suggested. "The wimpering minion thing doesn't really appeal to me."

"Take me," Percy said. Bobette chose the latter, promptly stripped Percy, and licked him.

"BARNEY'S MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Voldemort chose the moment to yell.

"Nuh UH! I saw him first!" Draco retorted.

"You don't know what you're talking about, child. Barney and I go way back," Voldemort said.

"Now kids, fighting is not the way to get a solution to your problem," Barney chirped. "I love you, you love me..."

"Let's get together and fuck Barney!" Draco finished.

"Remus!" Mary Sue chided and slapped him. "You're checking out that duck!"

" Ooh! I LOVE threesomes! Yay kids!" half-sang Barney.

"Aren't you?" asked Mary Sue.

" I wasn't... I swear.. I loff only you," Remus mumbled.

"Okay then," giggled Mary Sue. Remus growled seductively. Both Peter and James started to sob.

"Oh, Remus!" Mary Sue squealed. Bobette and Percy were making wild love in the corner, happily lost in their own world. Mary Sue smiled in delight as Remus started to nibble...

"Oh Vold, you naughty naughty baddie," Barney giggled.

"What about ME?" complained Draco.

" I WANT A WOMAN!" James yelled.

" I WANT A MAN!" Peter screamed.

"Silly Draco, you're the one that gave me this hard-on," Barney said knowingly.

James and Peter discovered their love for each other and got married. Ron chose that moment to come in the room.

"REMUS! You're DOING IT AGAIN!" screamed Mary Sue.

" Should I be frightening?" Ron commented.

"I'm sorry, love.. can't control my wolfly urges," Remus said.

"Go away. You're not Harry in silk red boxers," Mary Sue said to Ron. "Wolf.... ooooooh kinky..." she looked at Remus.

"Harry, Harry, Harry! Why can't it be Ron for once!" complained Ron.

"I WANT YOU, RON!" Hermione said. Ron did the right thing for once and jumped on her. Harry walked in the bar and was disgusted at his friends' actions, but luckily, stripped down to his red silk boxers.

"HARRY! IN SILK RED BOXERS!" Mary Sue said, gasped, swooned, and then fainted.

"What about me?" pouted Remus.

"Erm... ermm," Mary Sue trailed off and turned to Harry. "Harry, do you want me?"

"I'm not as sexy?" Remus asked. There was no reply except for Sirius, who was getting funky with the duck. Harry looked Mary Sue over and his eyes glazed over with lust.

"Hell yeah," he said.

"Okay!" grinned Mary Sue. Remus "humphed" and went to find someone to snuzzle.

"Harry! I've wanted you since you were born!" Mary Sue continued.

"Eh? Yeah. Me too," Harry said. "I mean.. I wanted you and stuff... er..." With nothing left to say, he shook his hips seductively.

"GAAAAAAAAAH!" Mary Sue moaned. "You're driving me crazy! Hump me already!"

"I make you horny, then?" asked Harry.

"Ooooooooh yes," Mary Sue said. "Reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally horny." Harry took her in his arms and that seemed to be the end of the conversation for a while.

"Barney, I'm hot for you," Draco said.

"Ooh Draco, YES!" Barney moaned. Luckily, Remus found a slinky waitress and started fondling her.

" Ooooooooh, Ron, you are a SEXY BEAST!" Hermione exclaimed.

"You are so fine, Hermione!" Ron said.

"Thanks, babe," giggled Hermione. Suddenly, a very male duck comes in wearing a white disco suit, and everyone stared at it.

"MeOW!" Lavender yelled.

"Oh, Harry, fuck me!" Mary Sue said, but something occurred to her. "Jeez. Percy's HORNY."

"Darn Fred and George," Percy grumbled. Purple horns sprouted on his face faster than lightning. And then Harry made wild love to Mary Sue.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Harry!" called Mary Sue. "Where'd you learn that?"

"Quidditch," Harry said. He grinned evilly.

"GASP!" Mary Sue was shocked. "You and Oliver?"

"Only once," Harry said. "But man, he handles balls well."

"I thought I was your first," Mary Sue sobbed.

"I never said that we had sex...," Harry said. "We just played with balls."

"Did you?"

"No."

"YAY! I'm your first! You're my first! It's fate!" Mary Sue said.

"Oh Ducky, my love," Oliver said, humping the male duck.

"Kiss me, you sexy, dark haired quarter-muggle, you," purred Mary Sue.

"With pleasure," Harry said and snogged her.

"Ah.. lovely gay manlove," commented Fred.

Fred and George started to fuck and so did Oliver and the male duck.

"Oh Harry, you're sooooo..." Mary Sue giggled and slowly took off her clothes. Voldemort sucked on Barney happily.

"Wow!" exclaimed Harry. "Look at the size of those-"

"TWEET!" McGonagall yelled.

"Didn't know she could tweet like that. Bloody hell," Ron mumbled. Draco started giving it to Barney through the bum. Mary Sue smirked and licked Harry's nose.

"RON!" Hermione sobbed.

Harry sucked on Mary Sue's neck.

"Mmmmm," Mary Sue sighed.

"Sorry. Shan't swear," Ron said, schnoogling Hermione. Snape and Ginny started to make love wildly, and Hermione started humping Ron's leg.

"I always knew you're the one for me... ten points to Gryffindor," Snape moaned. Hagrid and Flitwick tried to hump, but couldn't reach each other's privates, causing slight problems between the two.

"Am I really that good?" Ginny asked.

"Yes.." Snape replied.

"You liar! You just wanna get laid," Filch said.

"Nuh UH Filch!" yelled Snape. Ginny sobbed.

"Is this true?" asked Ginny.

" Don't listen to him, Ginny. He lies," Snape said.

" Oh, Filch, hold me. I feel so used," Ginny said.

"WHAT?!" yelled Snape.

"There, there. Greasy bastards just aren't your type," Filch said and cuddled Ginny.

"I knew he didn't want me," Ginny sobbed.

"It's his hair.. the grease affects his brain. I want you," said Filch.

"You do?" Ron sniffled.

"Yes," Filch said, patting her on the back.

"Oh, Filch," Ginny sighed. "You always tell me my shoes click too loudly. I don't know if you really want me."

"That was just a cover up for my true feelings.. You're gosh darn it wonderful," Filch said.

"But I love Snape! And I love you!" Ginny said, sobbing more.

"Oooooh Harry," Mary Sue said. "Speak Parseltongue. It's so sexy."

"You ssssexxxy thing," Harry hissed.

"Oh Harry!" groaned Mary Sue and licked his chest.

"Hermione," Ron said and schnoogled Hermione. Hermione, however, was not impressed.

" STOP HUGGING ME AND GET TO IT ALREADY!" she yelled. "Tell me how much you love me."

"I do love you," Ron said, ignoring the fact that Remus was now screwing the waitress.

"How much?" Hermione demanded.

"You're not getting free drinks for this!" the waitress said.

"This much!" Ron said, holding out his hands.

"Wh-what?" spluttered Remus and stopped his actions. "You biatch!"

"Hmph!" the waitress said.

" Why do you love me?" Hermione asked, batting her eyelashes.

"Excuse me!" Remus said.

"Because you're smart, sexy, and love to disco," Ron giggled.

"You USED me!" the waitress gasped.

"You seduced me!" complained Remus.

"Why am I sexy?" Hermione asked.

"I DID NOT!" the waitress yelled.

" Cause you're hot.. and you say stuff," Ron said.

"Ron! I want you! I mean, no I don't," said Ginny.

"You're wearing a thong! Of course you seduced me!" Remus yelled.

"I want.... Snape and Filch," Ginny said.

"I am not! I'm wearing a bikini," the waitress said.

"Lick me," said Snape. Ginny licked him accordingly.

"Why am I hot? And what do I say?" Hermione asked.

"Whatever," Remus said and stomped off to make wild love to Bill.

"Marry me," Harry said to Mary Sue. "I mean.... erm..."

Ron was now so horny his brain is having problems.

"Hermione... I can't.. think.. of anything.. too...horny.. must...fuck..you," He moaned.

"Do it, then!" Hermione commanded. And so Ron did.

The rubber ducky trembled.

"Miss Ducky?" Sirius called. Just then the ducky died.

"I'm dying as well!" Ginny screamed, wanting attention.:

"I'll give you CPR," Snape said and put his mouth on hers.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Sirius.

::The Funeral::

Everyone was sobbing as the corpse of the duck was placed in a coffin made entirely out of coconuts. Coincedentally, the coffin was made by Martha Stewart, but that's another story. Sirius was reading the duck's eulogy.

"She was a good duck... a sexy duck... and a good lovah. My lovaduck," he said.

" Children, death is a bad thing-" Barney began.

"Dat ducky was weird," a kid said.

"Shaddup, Kid," Voldemort snapped.

"Voldemort! Don't scold the children," Barney said.

"Well.. the duck was kinda sexy.. but I loff my Barneykins," Draco commented.

"The duck was my only friend," sobbed Ron.

"What about me?" asked Harry.

"What about you?" Ron said.

"What about me?" Hermione asked.

"You're my lover," said Ron, kissing her. "That's different."

"But I'm not your lover," Harry mumbled.

"I beg to differ. Remember April 14?" Ron asked. Sirius and Remus cried on each other's hair, mourning the loss of the truly great ducky.

Hermione gasped.

"So THAT'S what the noises were," she said.

"I never got to screw Miss Ducky," Snape sobbed on Filch's shoulder.

"EXCUSE ME?" Ginny yelled. "AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?"

"Er, I meant.. sue Miss Ducky.." Snape said.

"But you aren't a lawyer," said Ginny.

" Ha! I'm the only one for you, Ginny," Filch cooed.

"Yes," said Ginny and cuddled into his arms.

" How do you know?" Snape asked, hurt. "NoOooOO! Will no one loff me?"

"I will," Lockhart said.

"LOCKHART! I WANT YOU!" gushed Ginny.

Sirius continued with his eulogy.

"And I conclude by saying.. Keep the Ducky spirit within. Amen."

"So do I! I loff me!" Lockhart said.

"May the duck be with you," Yoda chanted.

"And don't forget, give your rubber ducky a chance! They loff you naked, after all," Sirius said. Just then, Ernie came back from the grave!

"MY RUBBER DUCKY!" he yelled and jumped into the ducky's coffin.

"Oh no you don't," Lucius hissed.

"My rubber ducky. My love. My li-i-i-fe," Ernie wailed.

"But... I LOVE... Nevermind." Everyone was confused.

"Let the powers of Sesame street bring this duck to LIFE!" Ernie yelled. Lightening crackled menacingly, but nothing happened. "Damn. It works in the movies," Ernie said.

The End.

Big Bird comes out solemnly, ruffling his yellow feathers. "And this fic was brought to you by the word sugar," he said.

The End. For real this time.