Echoes from the Past

Chapter Three: "Star-Crossed Lovers"

Harry furrowed his brow as he reread the last few lines of his mother's letter to him. What other letter was she talking about? Picking up the envelope, he double-checked it to make sure he hadn't missed anything. Finding nothing, he examined his letter once more. Now that he thought about it, the parchment was exceptionally thick. Bringing one of the corners to him, he rubbed his fingers along it, looking to see if it was indeed two separate sheets stuck together.

After several attempts, the corner finally split into two sheets and Harry took each in one hand and carefully pulled them apart. At first the parchment resisted, as if glued together, but then it suddenly gave way. Completely pulling them apart, he saw that this letter was written in green ink, Slytherin green actually, and that it was the ink which had caused the two pieces of parchment to stick to each other.

For the second time that evening, Harry hesitated, feeling like an intruder for thinking of reading the letter. But his mother had given him permission to do so and it would give him a better sense of his parents' relationship. Yet he wasn't sure he wanted to know about it. Sure, there couldn't be anything else contained within its contents that could completely alter his life again as the other letter had done, but it would probably drive home the point that his mother and Snape had been together. Had married, loved each other ... slept together.

Harry instantly pushed the thought from his mind. It had to be true if he was actually the Potions Master's son, but he really didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think at all right now. What he did want to do was forget about everything that he'd learned this evening and simply continue his life like before. But that was impossible now. For all that Snape seemed to think that he led the perfect life, he knew his was one of the worst in the school. Sure, he was famous and looked up to by the majority of the students and the Wizarding World, but he didn't want that fame and recognition. And he sure as hell didn't want the home life he had. How many times had he ever wished to simply be able to pretend that something wasn't real or that it hadn't occurred? He'd long since lost count.

Harry knew, though, that just like all those previous times, he couldn't simply forget what he'd learned. He supposed that he could ignore it and pretend that nothing had changed, but people were bound to wonder when his appearance started morphing right before their eyes. Even if no one else put the pieces together because they'd add up to something they didn't want to acknowledge, he doubted that Snape would be so blinded. Especially if he ended up resembling him. Then what? He knew the man wouldn't be happy about having been kept in the dark and that would only serve to make things even worse.

Worse than what?

Harry stiffened at the thought. It was hard to imagine things getting any worse than they already were. The potions professor had done his utmost best to ridicule him and make his life as miserable as possible since day one. So what if he was angry at being left in the dark? What could he do that he wasn't already doing? Nothing!

His smug mood abruptly left him as his mother's plea came back to him. She had desperately wanted for them to get together as they would have been if there hadn't been any Voldemort. But the fact was that the Dark Wizard had existed, and still did for that matter. He existed and had torn their family apart, scattering them.

Harry frowned at the thought. Family. He'd never thought he'd ever use the word in connection with Snape, much less as a part of *his* family! Yet he apparently was despite all the bad blood between them. He also couldn't overlook the underlying pain and betrayal that fuelled that clash on Snape's side. His optimistic side also insisted on pointing out the fact that if things couldn't get any worse and if Snape was acting the way he was for the reasons his mother had stated, that things could only get better. He had nothing to lose and everything to gain. But what would he be gaining exactly? A father that he didn't even know wanted him. If he did want him, then he wouldn't have to come back to the Dursleys. Yet his mother's letter also ensured that he wouldn't have to do so anyway as Sirius would be free as soon as the Ministry was shown the proof they needed to know that he was not his parents' Secret-Keeper.

His parents. It was amazing how easily the word meant his mother and James even though he now knew it wasn't true. Snape, his father. Strange how detached he was when thinking that. Logically he knew it was reality and what it meant, but emotionally he didn't. Not at all. And it was his emotions that were in control now. He knew it must be easier for him to deal with this revelation considering his life than if he'd grown up with James and had always believed him to be his father. But it still didn't sit well with him. He'd always believed the man to be his father, he'd looked up to and admired him and clung to everything people had told him about the Gryffindor wizard. He'd always wanted to become the man James would have wanted him to be. And now he learned that none of it was true. The man wasn't his father, wasn't even a blood relative of his.

Even as the thoughts crossed his mind, Harry knew that it didn't really matter whether or not they were related by blood. James had always been there for his mother and later on for him too that it scarcely mattered. If anything, this new information on him should only increase his current feelings for the man as his selfless acts were worthy of nothing but admiration. But he couldn't help but try to deny what he'd just learned. He had spent his life thinking of the man as his father. To have him replaced by Snape wasn't an option. Not that he had a choice in the matter. One didn't chose who their parents were.

Frustrated, Harry shook his head. No matter what, James would be special to him. Besides, if the present situation was anything to go by, then Snape wouldn't exactly be butting his old friend out of that place in his heart. Indeed, it was entirely possible that it would be easier to simply keep on thinking of James as his father than to accept the reality of Snape being it as he wasn't sure if the man would reject him or not. The thought pained him more then he cared to think about. Hoping to distract himself from the implications of the emotion, he turned his attention to the aged parchment in his hands.

Dear Severus,

I can only hope that you will one day be reading this letter for it will mean that you are alive and didn't perish at Rowena's Glade as I have been told you did. Unfortunately it also means that I am dead. I know that sending this package is extremely dangerous, especially with all the secrets contained within the letters. But if it had been impossible for the package to be delivered to either myself, Harry or you, then it matters little if someone else discovers the truth as it will no longer be able to endanger us.

Now, I've no doubt that you're wondering why I sent this letter to Harry. The reasons are the following: first and foremost is the fact that you've been officially proclaimed deceased and it is only my feelings that tell me this may not be so as the battle took place over a year and a half ago. Secondly is the fact that it will affect him even more than it will you. For you know half the truth and he doesn't know any of it if things go as I fear they might. What I mean with that is that I believe James and I may die before this war is over and that we will take important knowledge with us.

Harry shook his head as he read this. His mother obviously hadn't thought that the letters would stick together otherwise she wouldn't be repeating herself. Although now that he thought about it, he realized that she hadn't really intended for Snape to read his letter as he doubted the man would appreciate him knowing her suspicions about his childhood home life.

I know that you are confused about my statement of you knowing only half the truth. This is because after the Battle of Rowena's Glade, James and I were forced by necessity to layer even more deception upon the truth. You see, something went very wrong. It led to a fantastic event that I wouldn't change for anything, but it sprung from one of our precautions gone awry. If you're alive then you no doubt know about Harry. Now, before you let your anger take control and throw this letter down, I beg that you read what I have to say! Please Sev, Nista, do this for me as things are not what they appear to be!

Nista? What was that, Harry wondered. A nickname his mother had come up with for Snape? Or did it have some other meaning? A middle name, perhaps? But why call him by his second name, that didn't make any sense so it probably was a lover's endearment for him. But Nista? He just couldn't picture anyone calling Snape that, much less his allowing himself to be addressed as such. Just imagining it was enough to make him giggle before he fell back onto the bed as laughter overcame him. He could just see Snape's sneer at being addressed anything other than his name or title. If he wouldn't lose house points for doing so, he would probably attempt it just to see his reaction. But he didn't think the amusement worth the points, not to mention the fact that he didn't even know what the nickname meant. He supposed it had to mean something as most pet names did, but it wasn't English, nor Latin as far as he knew. Though, granted, his Latin was limited to the spells he knew. He could probably ask Hermione for if it did have some significance then she was sure to discover it. But what if it was something like 'honey' or 'darling' or some other traditional lover's name? How would he explain having gotten hold of it then? He had no intention of telling her the truth yet, not until he had figured out how he felt about it and what he'd do as a result. And even then he might decide not to tell his friends.

Although Harry's last name is probably Potter, he is NOT James' son! He is YOUR son, Severus, yours! I don't know how it happened as we took all the necessary precautions, but it did. I learned of it right before the Battle of Rowena's Glade, but I decided not to tell you of it as you already had too much on your mind and I didn't want to add to that burden as I knew you'd fret over the safety of the child and of how it would complicate things once it became visible that I was pregnant. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but how I wish now that I could go back and alter things!

I know how much you wanted a family, how much you wanted a child, and it pains me to no end to think that you may never know that you have one.

Harry squinted, trying to make out the next few words which were completely smudged. Unlike the other letter which was written in neat and elegant cursive, this one started out neat, but progressively got messier. It was almost as if his mother's hand had gotten unsteady and had begun shaking as she wrote. Not that he could blame her. It was clear that she had loved Snape and to write a letter to a loved one who was either dead or whom she'd probably never see again had to be horrendous. He felt tears start to form in his eyes as he tried to imagine how she must have felt. As the tears spilt down his cheeks, he suddenly realized that his mother must have been crying as she wrote the letter and that that was what had smudged the next few words as well as various other segments of the letter.

Wiping his tears away and blowing his nose, Harry brought the letter closer to his face and struggled to make out the words. He was determined to read each and every word his mother had put on parchment.

I know that you're probably wondering how Harry can possibly be yours as he was born nine and a half months after we last were together and the reason is very simple. I carried him for ten months, something which is rare but not completely unheard of. At the time this was literally a lifesaver but I can see how it has probably led to disaster. You see, after the battle and your alleged death, I was caught in a bad situation. As far as anyone knew, I was single which would cause uncomfortable questions when my pregnancy started showing and the last thing I needed was for the truth to be uncovered while Voldemort still lived as I knew he'd come after Harry if he knew.

This is where James came to the rescue. As soon as he heard of my predicament, he took steps to fulfil a promise he'd made to you. In order to protect both Harry and me, the two of us got married and James claimed our child as his own so that no one would become suspicious. It is here that my ten month pregnancy was so good as it made it appear as if he was only conceived after the marriage.

Severus, you must believe me when I say that this is all that there was behind James' and my wedding. There was NO romantic love involved. Indeed, even today, over a year and a half later, James has yet to find a way to break the curse Farsic cast upon him, and I fear he never will. We had every intention of getting divorced as soon as it was safe to do so. As for Harry, James was so dead set against taking your son away from you that he forged a birth certificate and put the fake one into Harry's medical files so that the original one bore your name. Naturally the fake certificate won't stand up to any of the validity tests, but there is no reason for anyone to doubt it so he considered it worth the risk as we planned to alter Harry's name upon our divorce.

However, if you're reading this, then that probably never transpired as things went wrong. If so and you returned after my death, then you probably assumed that Harry was James' son. It breaks my heart to think of the pain this must have caused you!

Harry stopped reading once more as he reached a particularly messy part of the letter. The fact that his own eyes were starting to water again didn't help much either. He was vaguely surprised at this as he had never been one to cry, his uncle having always punished him when he'd done so as a child. Yet his mother's pain cut him deeply even if he still didn't know what to think of the man who had apparently sired him. That his mother had suffered so hurt more than any physical pain. Especially since he knew she hadn't been able to gain any happiness before her death.

With sudden inspiration, Harry stood up and held the aged parchment to the light. As he'd hoped, the original wording became clearer through the green smudge.

When I think of the way you will no doubt feel should this come to pass, I become sick with pain and guilt. I can only think of how I should have told you about your son! But I didn't and it's tearing me apart. Please forgive me, Nista! I love you so much and did what I believed to be best. I can't take away all that you suffered due to my mistake, but I hope that this letter may deliver you of any further pain. I have always been faithful to you and you are the only one I ever loved. It is my greatest hope that you and Harry can get together and be the family that you once dreamed to have. I know things can never be as they should have been, but I hope you can be the family that I'm sure you both need.

Harry paused as his mother repeated her plea. It had obviously been her greatest desire to have the two of them united if at all possible. Not that he couldn't understand this hope. He'd want his family together too if he were in her predicament. But she didn't know what was to transpire between her writing the letters and his receiving them. People changed over time and she seemed to have forgotten to take that into account.

Yes, he was willing to admit that he didn't truly know Snape, but the man definitely didn't seem to be someone who'd desperately wanted a child. He would have said the Potions Master disliked children based on his attitude, especially towards the first years. The only people he ever showed any kindness to were the Slytherins and even that was probably nothing more than part of his Death Eater act. Someone like Lucius Malfoy would not take kindly to one of his colleagues verbally abusing his son.

Yet Snape was a teacher, a profession which involved constant interaction with children. True, he'd been told that the Wizarding World didn't take kindly to those it regarded as having escaped justice, but that didn't mean he had to teach. Surely Snape could have resided at Hogwarts and simply done research or something else with potions. So he must have some interest in dealing with kids and teenagers despite appearances. But why be so despicable? It only served to make him hated. Perhaps... perhaps it was a self-defence tactic as it would cause people to stay away from him and thus there'd be less chance of him being hurt again.

Now that he thought about it, Harry realized that it wasn't just the students who avoided the greasy Potions Master whenever possible. The other professors did it too, not talking with him unless absolutely necessary. The only exceptions to this seemed to be Professors McGonagall and Lupin and, of course, Headmaster Dumbledore. Which made a lot of sense considering that the Head of House Gryffindor had had Snape as her student while Remus had been classmates with him so they knew other aspects of the man than simply the mask he wore. As for Professor Dumbledore, well he was Dumbledore, the man who could see through any act or disguise. Not to mention the fact that he too had known the man throughout his Hogwarts years.

Harry paused as it occurred to him what he'd thought of the elderly wizard. Albus Dumbledore's uncanny ability to know exactly what was going on combined with the ease with which he read people had given him the impression that it was impossible to keep secrets from the wizard. And yet the two letters before him proved this wrong. Somehow his parents and Sn... and James had managed to not only lie to him, but to completely blind him to the truth. He had been just as deceived as everyone else.

Unless...

No, he couldn't know! If he'd known the truth he would have told him long ago as he'd always tried to create peace between himself and Snape and what better way to attempt to achieve that than informing them of their relationship? Besides, it would be just plain cruel to not tell the potions professor the truth if he knew. That would be worse than casting multiple Cruciatuses upon him as nothing hurt more than a broken heart and the betrayal of a loved one. Yes, Professor Dumbledore could be manipulative at times, he admitted to himself as he thought of all the occasions he had refused to answer or avoided answering his questions until he deemed the timing appropriate, but he wasn't cruel. No, he definitely didn't know the truth of what had transpired right under his nose.

Harry wondered just how they'd managed to accomplish that. Sure, Snape was undoubtedly a brilliant actor or else he would have been killed long ago by Voldemort for betraying him, but what about his mother and fa- James? How had they done it? Had they been good actors too or had it been a combination of luck and the headmaster's wish to see them together? Perhaps wish wasn't the right word, but rather expectation? If Slytherins and Gryffindors always fought each other, he found it unlikely that anyone would expect members from the two houses to become romantically involved. Much less a pureblood from a family of known Muggle haters with a Muggleborn. Still, it was hard to imagine that a love could have blossomed without anyone noticing.

With a sigh, Harry pushed the thought from his mind. No matter how unlikely it seemed, it had apparently transpired which was all that mattered at the moment. Looking down at the letter in his hand with the smudged green ink, he frowned, unsure about whether or not to continue. He really wanted more insight into his mother's thoughts but it was all so depressing and it hurt to read the pain laden narrative. Her pleas caused his heart to clench painfully, especially when he thought of his hesitation about completing her greatest desire.

Sev, knowing you as I do, I am certain that you will now be angry with yourself for your assumptions. For doubting James and I. Please don't! As you can see, I am entirely aware of what you thought and that is due to the fact that I can see it too, that it is the logical conclusion to draw from the facts. Remember, James and I did our utmost best to make it appear as if we were really together and in love as so much depended upon it. It is only natural that you thought that the deception had become reality with the information you had available to you.

Please don't be too harsh on yourself. You've already suffered far more than anyone should no matter what you may think. I don't blame you so please don't blame yourself. Not for something completely beyond your control. If I knew of any way to sooth the pain you've undergone, I'd do it in an instant, but I can't and it tears me up inside. I hope that our son may be able to give you some of the family we should have had.

I collected all of the pictures and mementos we had and placed them in a Gringotts vault. Harry should have the key as I wanted him to be able to see what we were like together as the truth is no doubt unbelievable to him right now. I can only imagine what it must be like to learn that your whole life is based on false information and it's not pretty. Please help him, Nista. Help him see who we were and give him a home and family. I know you both need it. You need each other.

Harry blinked back new tears as he read this. He wondered just how his mother knew that he'd always wanted, needed, a family. He wasn't really sure he cared to know. Her premonitions gift could just as easily be a curse if it allowed her to see the misery and pain the future held for her family. The pearly tears began to roll down his face as he thought of his mother and how horrendous she must have felt sitting before a table at Godric's Hollow, writing these letters and knowing that she probably wasn't going to see her husband again while fearing for both her son's and her own life as Voldemort attempted to track them and James down. If she had even been able to get a glimpse of what was to come, then she must have been in agony. It was the worst form of torture he could imagine. He knew he'd go insane if his family was threatened and he could do nothing about it except sit back and hope for the best.

Harry began to cry harder as he thought about it. He wished he could just go back in time and arrange things so that she wouldn't have to undergo all that. But he knew he couldn't, it just wasn't possible. The most he could do was carry out her last hopes. But he couldn't even wrap his mind around the very idea!

Nista, honey, there is one more thing I must tell you. In order to ensure that no one got suspicious, James and I altered Harry's appearance. Even at birth there was no mistaking the fact that he was your son. With the exception of his eyes and nose, his face was exactly like yours. And while his hair has a auburn gleam to it in the sunlight, it is black and silky like yours.

Horrified, Harry dropped the parchment and stumbled backwards until he landed on his bed once more. Exactly?! He was going to go from being a practical duplicate of James to one of Snape? And what the hell did his mother mean when she called the Potions Master's hair 'silky?' It was greasy and revolting! The man had practically no sense of personal hygiene. Unless... unless, that too was a result of wanting to keep people away from him? It was possible.

Harry snorted as he realized that he was once again subconsciously justifying his new found father's actions. It was unnerving how quickly he felt the need to do so. It showed just how desperate he was to have a normal family, not that anything would ever be normal for him. Even as it was, his mother was still dead by Voldemort's hand. Quickly he retrieved the letter to finish it.

He was so perfect that it broke my heart to have to alter his appearance, but it was absolutely necessary. What James and I used to achieve this is a spell called Aspectus Commutatus*. It's a combination of two charms and a potion. I left a copy of the explanation and instructions in the vault as it's a very ancient and little known spell. It should commence to crumble on Harry's fifteenth birthday and can take up to six months to fully wear off. Help him through the transition, Sev, as he'll need all the support he can get. He'll be seeing his true form for the first time and it will be difficult for him to glance at the mirror and see a stranger looking back at him.

Severus, Nista, please forgive me for my mistake and all of the consequences. I know it has resulted in suffering on your part and I desperately wish to be able to alleviate it. Forgive me, darling, please. And don't be too harsh on yourself. Know that I love you, always have and always will. Find our son and give him a true home, please.

Yours forever,
love, Lily