Impossible Couples

Impossible Couples

"Oh that's gross!" Draco Malfoy flung the sheaf of papers down on top of the others. "This is just a load of crap!"

Harry Potter looked up from the document he was reading. He and Draco were sitting at a table in the Gryffindor common room, reading the latest offerings of fiction stories written by Muggle fans. Hermione had somehow convinced the Slytherin to come and read the first batch with Harry. The brainy bushy-haired Prefect would be joining them later.

Harry resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "What's 'gross' and 'crap'?" he asked instead.

"This 'slash' stuff between you and me," Draco replied, grimacing as he pushed the story he had just been reading aside, "as if you would ever be considered suitable for me. It's always the same old perverted process." He pointed disgustedly at the papers he had just thrown down. "You tie me to the freakin' bed and snog me to death in this one; and in this one," he added, slapping another stack of papers, "you take my shirt off and write 'Property of Harry Potter' on my side with your wand."

Harry leaned across the table and picked the papers up. "Gee Malfoy," he commented mildly, "judging by the look on your face in this illustration you actually seem quite happy about it." He snickered at the other boy's outraged expression.

"You need better glasses, Potter," Draco sneered. "That's disgust on my face. Not ecstasy!"

"Looks like ecstasy to me," Harry countered, grinning and reaching over to punch Draco on the shoulder. "So how does it feel to be owned by someone?"

"Don't touch me, Potter."

"Why shouldn't I touch my property, Malfoy?"

"Shut it now, Potter," Draco growled. "I'm not your property! The mere insinuation brings very disturbing images to mind."

"I didn't know you felt that way about me, Malfoy," Harry said, chuckling.

The blond Slytherin jumped up from his chair, heat rising in his face as Harry almost choked with laughter. "That's not funny so don't even go there!" he spat.

"Simmer down, you drama queen," Harry said, snickering. "Besides, I'm not your only lover in these ridiculous stories." He smirked. "You get the girls too," he added smugly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Draco asked suspiciously, settling himself down again and glaring at the Gryffindor.

"It means that you're paired with lots of girls."

"Like who?"

"Like Ginny."

"You mean Weasley junior?"

"Yeah, you and Ginny are a very popular ship."

"What do me and junior have to do with a stupid boat?"

"'Ship' as in 'relationship', you arse."

"I don't like that one," Draco said crossing his arms and pouting. "Who else am I paired with?"

"Luna."

"Luna Lovegood?" Draco demanded incredulously. "That freaky bird brain and moi?" He shook his head. "I don't think so! Who else?"

"Well, there's Hermione, as well."

"Granger?"

"Yes?" Hermione queried as she arrived at the table.

Harry smiled up at her in greeting, but Draco didn't even acknowledge her presence. He had seized the pile of fan stories and was shuffling through them, looking for one that paired him with the girl he loathed for a great many reasons. He didn't have to search very long. Hermione and Draco was apparently a favorite couple of the fandom.

"Lies," Draco declared after scanning one of the stories. "They're all lies, especially this sentence!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Which sentence is that?" she asked, with thinly disguised patience.

"This one," Draco replied, pointing to a paragraph. "'Draco stared at her. He couldn't believe he had known Hermione that long and never noticed her legs. Those legs were amazing.'" He snorted. "As if I'd say anything like that!"

"For your information," Hermione said frostily, "that's three sentences you read, not one." She glared down challengingly at him from her standing position. "You don't think I have good legs?"

"Oh please," the Slytherin sneered. "Nothing on you could be good."

"Actually, Malfoy," Harry said quietly, "they're very nice." He flushed as Hermione smiled shyly at him.

Draco stared at Harry, eyebrow cocked. "Since when?" he demanded.

"Since summer," Hermione said, swinging her leg up and slamming her foot on the table in front of Draco for his inspection.

Malfoy stared at the tanned and shapely leg in front of him. Even though he had to admit that Hermione owned one of the best looking legs he'd ever seen, his pride dictated that he remain unimpressed. However, this didn't mean he couldn't have a little fun with the Mudblood. He placed his finger at the top of her thigh and ran his fingertip down along the length of leg, smugly noticing the slight shiver he induced in the limb. "Not bad," he smirked, "But I've seen better."

"Oh, yeah?" Harry said as Hermione brought her leg back down and sat in one of the chairs. "On who? Pansy Parkinson?" he demanded, feeling quite defensive for his friend.

"Hell no!" Draco exclaimed. "Her thighs are lumpy. I'm always telling her to wear pants." He shuddered.

"Who then?" Harry pressed.

"Mother, for one." Draco was quite proud of Narcissa Malfoy's beauty and style.

"That's just sick, Malfoy."

Malfoy leapt up from his chair for the second time that day. "WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING WITH THAT TONE OF VOICE, POTTER?!" he bellowed furiously. "Salazar help me, I will strangle you until your head comes off!"

"I'd sure like to see you try," Harry drawled.

"I wouldn't say that if I were you, Harry," Hermione whispered anxiously.

"Oh yeah? Why not?" Harry spat as Draco smiled smugly.

"Malfoy is stronger than he looks and muscular too. You should see his abs!"

Draco stared at Hermione, his jaw dropping in shock. Harry spun around to look at Hermione in horror. Hermione just stood blushing and covering her mouth, apparently horrified at what she had just said.

"What?" Harry spluttered, unable to believe that his brainy and businesslike friend would actually voice admiration for anyone's body, much less the slimy Slytherin's.

Recovering from his shock, Draco coughed and grinned. Twice. Then he collapsed back onto his chair, laughing until tears ran down his face. He howled like a maniac while Harry sank into his own chair, glaring resentfully at Hermione who had her face in her hands and who was probably growing redder by the minute.

"Just when did you see said abs?" Harry snarled, his eyes narrowing.

Draco, gasping for breath, said, "Yes, Hermione love, when were you ogling my gorgeous body?"

"Don't call me that," she muttered, still flushed. Draco chuckled.

Harry did not find this whole idea the least bit funny. "Well?" he demanded. "I'm waiting." He sat with his arms crossed, glowering at his friend.

"Oh, Harry," she huffed, embarrassed but trying to hold her dignity. "If you must know, it was in the Prefect's bathroom." She shifted uncomfortably in her chair, unable to look either boy in the eye. "I walked in to take a bath and Malfoy was already there. He...um...didn'thavehisshirton." Hermione said the last part in a rush.

Harry frowned, still trying to decipher what Hermione had just said. Draco, however, smiled wolfishly at the bushy-haired girl. "Why, my dear Miss Granger. I had no idea you were even there. You're such a quiet pervy little peep, aren't you?" He grinned at her embarrassed gasp. "How long did you stand there, mesmerized by my beauty?"

"Yeah, right!" Harry snapped. "You were probably so revolting, she was petrified."

"Empty insult, Potter," Draco replied coolly, "just based on Granger's admiration of my muscles and abs. Besides, two thirds of these fanfics are screaming for me." He leaned back in his chair and casually picked up one of the fan fictions.

"Screaming for you to get your head flushed down a toilet, I'd wager," Ron said as he joined them at the table.

"Oh bugger off, Weasel," Malfoy said, yawning.

Ron leaned over and read over Hermione's shoulder. "Are you guys reading those stupid things again?" he asked, grimacing. "They're all just a bloody waste of time!" He looked quizzically at Hermione who was still blushing furiously and avoiding his eyes. "You okay, Hermione?"

Draco snickered. "She fancies me," he said smugly.

"No, I don't!" she retorted hotly.

"Whatever you say, Hermione love."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT, MALFOY!"

"You know what?" Ron said, coming to Hermione's rescue. "How about we read this fanfic?" He waved a sheet of paper at them. ""When Malfoys Collide'. Look's like they're pairing Malfoy and his dad, Lucius." He sniggered. "Just when we thought a father and his son couldn't get any closer..."

Bright pink patches appeared on Draco's cheeks, but he regained his composure quickly. "Yes," he drawled, "why don't we? That would be funny. Then we can read this lovely story, 'Dig That Sister of Mine'. About Ron and Ginny Weasel, I believe?" He smirked as Ron's ears turned red.

"Actually," Harry said, raising his voice a little before Ron and Draco could express their dislike of each other loudly and violently, "why don't we just go down to the Great Hall? It's time for dinner."

They stood up wordlessly, annoyed and frustrated for reasons they couldn't name. Harry and Ron trudged out of the portrait hole. Draco lagged behind a little, falling into step with Hermione. "Why do you think we're the most popular couple?" he asked her as they followed the two Gryffindor boys out of the common room.

"I don't know, Malfoy," Hermione replied shrugging. "I read a review that said the level-headed girl needed to tame the Slytherin bad boy..."

"...and the Slytherin bad boy to teach the level-headed girl to loosen up," Malfoy finished, smirking.

"Wipe that look off your face. It looks hideous!"

"Really? I have it on good authority that a lot of people go for this very same look."

"Like who?"

"Seventy percent of the population of female Muggles, that's who," the Slytherin said smugly.

"What about the other thirty percent?"

"No comment."

Hermione stopped walking and stared at Draco.

"What?" he snapped, stopping and turning towards her.

"Y'know, Malfoy" she whispered softly, moving closer to him. "I do think you're rather cute."

Draco stared at her. "Wha-...do...uh...do you really?"

"Yes, I do."

Draco suddenly noticed that one of Hermione's hands was gripping his tie, but he didn't know where her other hand had got to. "Ah, well," he stammered, caught off guard, "I guess you do have very awesome legs, Granger."

"AHA!" Hermione hollered pulling away immediately. "I KNEW IT!"

"Huh?"

"I WIN AGAIN! I ALWAYS WIN! ALWAYS!"

Draco finally figured out what had happened, but Hermione was already walking ahead of him, grinning triumphantly and chortling.

"Yeah, well, you're nothing but a MUDBLOOD!" he growled at her, hurrying to catch up.

"And you're nothing but a FERRET!" she retorted smugly.

"THAT WAS ONLY ONCE! Besides, it takes one to know one!"

"Is that all you can think of?" she cooed. "By the way, nice abs you have there, Malfoy. Can I touch them next time?"

"SHUT UP, GRANGER!"