This is your Life!

PRESENTER: Harry Potter, you've just captured the Snitch for the England team in your first ever international game. How do you feel?

HARRY: Well I-

PRESENTER: Who cares? Because there's something far more important to say!

HARRY: What the-

PRESENTER: Harry Potter, This is your life!!!

Theme music plays.

HARRY: (drowned out by sounds of cheering and clapping) Oh my-

PRESENTER: Harry Potter. You've led an interesting life. You lost your parents when you were one, is that correct?

HARRY: Yes I-

PRESENTER: And in the same moment you defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and secured your place in history as 'The Boy Who Lived'. You then went on to live with your uncle and aunt, two Muggles who hated your guts. Well, Harry can you recognise this voice?

VOICE: (high and whiney) You're in trouble, you're in trouble!

HARRY: It's my extremely fat cousin Dudley!

PRESENTER: Yes! (Clapping and music) Dudley Dursley, please come on down!

Dudley enters looking like a large blancmange.

PRESENTER: Now you're married with four darling little pigl- children aren't you, Dudley?

DUDLEY: Yes and-

PRESENTER: But unfortunately they couldn't come because they couldn't all fit in the studio, now, Harry! Do you recognise this voice?

VOICE: You're a waste of space and nobody loves you.

HARRY: It's Aunt Marge!

PRESENTER: Yes (Clapping and music) Aunt Marge, come on out!

Aunt Marge enters with her dog Ripper by her side.

PRESENTER: I believe you two haven't seen each other for five years!

AUDIENCE: Aaaaaah!

PRESENTER: Is there anything you'd like to say to your aunt, Harry?

HARRY: Definitely. Avada-

PRESENTER: At the age of eleven you received your acceptance letter from Hogwarts and you were on your way to the best seven years of your life where you made your very first friends. You were a bit of a pathetic soul weren't you, Harry?

HARRY: Hey! It's-

PRESENTER: Can you name this voice?

VOICE: Yer a Wizard, Harry.

HARRY: Oh that's easy it's-

PRESENTER: No, I'm sorry is your old friend Rubeus Hagrid!

Louder claps and cheers, music. Hagrid enters.

MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: Hagrid! Hagrid! Hagrid!

Rest of audience join in. There are a few boos from Slytherins. Eventually all collapse into laughter.

PRESENTER: Well, Hagrid you seem quite a popular chap. You must have many friends, despite your obvious giant heritage. But I also noticed a few boos. Any reason why that could be?

HAGRID: Well you did just-

PRESENTER: And, Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry. You didn't recognise your old friend Hagrid?

AUDIENCE: Booooooooooooooo!!!!!

PRESENTER: Why do you think this is?

HARRY: It wasn't me, you-

PRESENTER: Now who do you think this is?

VOICE: You dumped my sister, you little prat. Isn't it enough you ruined my life by telling Hermione not to go out with me, you have to hurt Ginny as well? If I get my hands on you...

HARRY: (sounding slightly annoyed) Ron.

PRESENTER: Yes! (Clapping, cheering and music) Ronald Weasley, will you join us please!

Ron enters and rushes towards Harry, fists raised. Hagrid grabs him. Someone woo whistles in the crowd.

RON: I'll get you, Harry Potter!

PRESENTER: Whoa! Calm down there, Ronnie! Leave enough Harry for the rest of us. Ha ha ha!

AUDIENCE: (laughter).

PRESENTER: Now, Harry. After a while you made friends with and later fell in love with a slightly attractive muggle born girl named Hermione Granger.

RON: Slightly!

HARRY: For the last time, I was not-

PRESENTER: And I'm sure you're looking forward to seeing her tonight but unfortunately she couldn't come. She's very sorry but I don't think her absence will spoil this evening. I expect you see a lot of her at night don't you, you little devil.

RON: POTTER!!!

PRESENTER: Now you appeared to be a faithful boyfriend-

HARRY: I am not-

PRESENTER: But you were having a little crackling on the side. Harry, can you guess who this is?

VOICE: After you asked me to the Yule ball I knew you must like me. But I never knew how much until I was invited to go on this show.

HARRY: (going strawberry red) Oh no, It's Cho Chang!

PRESENTER: Yes! (Clapping, cheering and music) Cho Chang, come on down!

CHO: Hi, Harry.

PRESENTER: Ahh! Look at those two lovebirds.

AUDIENCE: Aaaaaaaahhh!

RON: POTTER!!!

HARRY: Look, we're not-

PRESENTER: Well, Harry, that's all we've got time for. Have you enjoyed this little reunion?

HARRY: Definitely N-

PRESENTER: Good! Tune in next time for Adrian Lynch on...

AUDIENCE AND PRESENTER: This is you life!

Clapping and theme music.

HARRY: Look here-

PRESENTER: (Muttering) Just smile and wave, Harry.

HARRY: Look I just want to-

PRESENTER: Your time is up, Harry! Now smile and wave.

HARRY: Listen-

PRESENTER: (getting angry) Smile and-

HARRY: (pointing wand) STUPEFY!

Thud. Music stops suddenly. Long Silence through studio till...

SMALL CHILD IN AUDIENCE: Hooray!

Short silence.

HAGRID: Good on yeh, Harry!

RON: Yeah, good for you!

Audience and guests erupt into very loud cheers and clapping. Music restarts.

AUNT MARGE: (Barely audible) I quite liked him actually.