- Rating:
- PG-13
- House:
- Riddikulus
- Characters:
- Draco Malfoy Ginny Weasley
- Genres:
- Humor Romance
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire
- Stats:
-
Published: 08/14/2004Updated: 08/14/2004Words: 3,380Chapters: 1Hits: 344
Principles and Amendments
Tiny Q
- Story Summary:
- This story is littered with clichés, blind dates, rather poor attempts at humour, more clichés, and perhaps, if you are lucky, a few happy endings as well. D/G.
- Chapter Summary:
- This story is littered with clichés, blind dates, rather poor attempts at humour, more clichés, and perhaps, if you are lucky, a few happy endings as well. D/G
- Posted:
- 08/14/2004
- Hits:
- 344
- Author's Note:
- I wanted to put this up under Astornomy Tower, but I realized it wasn't so much romantic as stupid. So now it is under Riddikulus. Yay. I wrote this back in 2002 for a Valentines Day contest I just had to enter for some reason. (I won because I used 25/26 quotes that we needed to. Har Har) I never realized how much Draco sounded like my uncle though. Oh well. Please enjoy!
Principles and Amendments
~*~
Draco Malfoy was sitting at a table in the Blue Iguana café. He had a window seat and had a pretty good view of the goings-on down Bourbon Street.
It was mid July, so most of the people on the street were dressed in tacky, stereotypical, tourist-like clothing. It seemed this season's motto was: everybody in cameras. It was disgusting. Well, to Draco at least. I don't know about anyone else.
'Why is it called tourist season,' he thought callously. 'If we can't shoot at them.' He assumed it had something to do with some Muggle protection, act but he wasn't quite sure. All he did know was that he was sick of people "oooh"ing at the accents or the sights or the bloody pigeons for that matter.
"Sorry I'm late," someone said, plopping into the chair opposite him. He looked up to see Pansy Parkinson dressed in a revealing summer dress. "What's up?"
"Nothing," he replied, forcing his view towards her rather than some bloody annoying tourists who were trying to take a picture of a Smart that was parked in front of the window.
"The trouble with doing nothing," she mused, looking at his menu. "Is you never know when you are finished."
"Oh, I know I am finished," he replied. "So what is this all about, Pansy? Why did you want to meet?"
"Well, I have this friend," she started, and Draco felt his spirits drop. "Oh don't look at me like that," she snapped. "She's a great person!"
"Except..." Draco drawled.
"Except she's driving me insane," Pansy snapped. "Her and her boyfriend broke up two weeks ago and she's so depressed."
"And how do I come into this picture?" he asked, dreading that he knew the answer.
"Well, if you would just go out with her," Pansy started. "She would feel a hell of a lot better about herself."
"No," Draco said flatly. "I do not go on blind dates. And I most certainly do not go out with women to make them feel good about themselves. Those are my principles." Pansy frowned at him. "If you don't like them, I have others," he added.
"Like what?" she sneered. "Your 'Do Not Associate with Potter' principle? Or was that Weasley?"
"Shut up, Pansy," he sneered. "And I have one for both." She made an exasperated noise.
"Look, Draco," she said seriously. "You owe me."
"I most certainly do not," he snapped.
"Oh, but you do," she drawled. "Remember in seventh year when you needed help on your herbology essay?"
"No. I do not," he hissed, crossing his arms.
"You bloody wanker," she growled. "Will you let me finish?"
"Don't knock masturbation," he growled back in a mocking tone. "It's sex with someone I love."
"Coming from you that's not surprising." She smirked at him. "Now as I was saying, you made me help you with that pathetic essay topic of yours. Some how you convinced me to help you rather than go out with Andy Jones. Who, I might add, was one of the sexiest guys in school."
Remembrance struck Draco like a freight-train. Pansy must have noticed for her smirk widened. "Well, you never paid me back."
Draco frowned at himself. He had forgotten all about that. It had been what? Six years ago?
"So you are going to do me this favor," she said firmly. "Now."
He was trapped. He knew it. Pansy knew he was one to never put down a favor. Some twisted Malfoy thing. And somehow he always seemed to get wormed into her dept. It seemed it would be another lovely experience due to her. Ah, but then experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. And he definitely recognized it. Too late though it seemed.
"Fine," he sighed. "What do I have to do?"
The glee spreading across the pug-faced woman's face never left. Even after she had explained to him all about her friend's troubled relationship, where she lived, when he was to pick her up, and of course, what he was not to talk about.
After I hour of constant speech and a three Galleon bill (he still wasn't sure how they had managed that) Pansy left. Left, leaving Draco quite disgruntled. He grumpily paid the tab and made his way out of the café. He completely ignored the day's comic posted beside the door involving two men saying: "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up who." In his mood he wouldn't have found it funny anyway.
He stormed down Bourbon Street, resisting the urge to hex a few tourists along the way. 'How the hell did I get into this?' he thought angrily. He hadn't even argued to get out of it. But then, from what he had learnt over the years, there were only two theories for arguing with a woman; neither one works. So he supposed it was probably for the best that he had kept his mouth shut and just accepted his fate.
He looked across the street to see two kids shoving one another about. 'Yes. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye,' he thought maliciously. 'Then it's just a game. Find the eye.'
He was about to round a corner when someone beat him to it and walked right into him, falling to the ground with a short yelp. Draco looked down in surprise to see the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Lovely red hair cut into a short bob, fair skin, large chocolate brown eyes, and long smooth legs.
"I'm sorry," they said at the same time as he pulled her to her feet.
"Thanks," she said, looking up at him, a faint blush gracing her cheeks. "It's such a cliché," she laughed after a moment. "Rounding a corner and running into someone? But then I suppose it just proves that two things are infinite." She looked into his eyes and laughed again. To Draco's ears it was like music. "The universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former." She glanced over at the now fighting children.
Draco smiled down at her, at a complete loss for words. He had a feeling that if he did manage to make a coherent sentence it would be something terrible like: "I like my coffee like I like my women... in a plastic cup." He wasn't exactly sure why he would have said it, but for some reason he was certain it would come out.
"Do I know you?" she asked after a moment, still staring at him.
"I doubt it," he drawled, finding his voice. "I would remember someone like you." Her face went bright red.
"I've got to go," she said after a moment. "Perhaps I'll see you around."
"Perhaps," Draco replied, and he earnestly hoped he would.
With that the two went their separate ways. Draco Malfoy feeling so light hearted, he suspected he would skip if he didn't have half a mind. Ginny Weasley frowning on her way home, trying to figure out where she had seen the handsome stranger before.
~*~
Three days had passed and Draco had seen no sign of the red haired beauty he had crashed into. Or rather, who had crashed into him. As he got ready for his blind date he tried to push her from his mind. He would have to be on the top of his game if he was to get out of this without Pansy breathing down his neck.
So he took the dozen roses to the address she had written down for him and knocked on the apartment door. When he first saw Carolyn Spire he couldn't quite grasp why anyone would want to dump her. She was gorgeous. Long silky brown hair, big green eyes, large chest. It wasn't until she opened her mouth that Draco realized why.
"What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?" she asked, now seated at a table for two in Vini's half an hour later.
"Pardon me?" Draco asked, nearly choking on his red wine.
"The hole, in the cheese," she said slowly, holding up a piece of swiss cheese on a fancy toothpick. "What happens to it?"
"It gets digested?" Draco offered, trying hard to keep his voice civil. Pansy would be livid if he insulted her friend. 'But it's so hard,' he thought despairingly. "Along with the rest of the cheese?"
"Oh," she said simply. "I like cheese. It's made out of mold you know." Her voice droned on and on and Draco found himself looking about the restaurant. It was quite small with many tables packed closely together. His eyes fell on a pair of males not too far away, holding hands.
"Sex without love is an empty experience," the one drawled in a low, salutary voice. "But as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good one."
Draco felt one eye grow larger than the other. Carolyn looked at him funny then followed his gaze. Then her eyes went wide with realization.
"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practice they choose," she said thoughtfully, drawing Draco's attention away from the two men. "They should draw the line at goats, though."
"Why goats?" Draco asked before he could stop himself. "Don't goats deserve some loving too?"
"Hmm," Carolyn said ponderously. "I never thought of it that way." She then proceeded to talk about goat and human relations.
Draco tried to pretend that he was listening by nodding his head when he thought it necessary. 'God damn,' he screamed in his head. 'I'll kill Pansy when this is over! How could she set me up with this airhead?! Even if it is only for one night. Still, I think I am going to suffer permanent brain damage!'
It was also then that Draco decided to look about the restaurant once more. It was then that Ginny Weasley walked in with her date for the evening. Draco's eyes went wide when he saw her. She was even lovelier than the time she had crashed into him, her black dress hugging her in all the right placed.
He quickly turned back to Carolyn so as not to attract her attention to the red headed vixen.
"But I suppose if a goat and a human wanted too..." he voice continued on.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw them get seated a table over from theirs. If he had wanted to he could lean over and touch her. This seating arrangement also allowed Draco to get a good look at the woman's date.
He was a very sophisticated looking young man. The type of man one would find in some bureaucratic office. Clean shaven, sharply dressed, impeccably neat hair. Yet by the way the woman was sitting, she seemed to not be enjoying the situation.
"So I hear you are a hostess for the Ministry," Draco heard the man say. He had a deep, commanding voice.
"Part time," she responded.
"So what is it you have to do to be hospitable?"
"Well," the red head said thoughtfully. "My definition of hospitality is making your guests feel at home. Even if you wish they were..." she laughed at this. Her date did not.
"Have you every heard of Muggles testing animals?" Carolyn asked Draco and he turned away from the red head and her date to focus on his own.
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea," she said thoughtfully. "They get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
"Excuse me?" Draco asked. 'That's it, she's mental.'
"Well, you said you were a vegetarian," she said, not even blushing. "So I thought you love animals."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals," he sneered. "I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"You hate... plants?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "What did plants ever do to you?"
"My father's Venus Flytrap tried to eat me when I was eight," Draco said offhandedly. "I've had a grudge against them ever since."
"Oh," she said, pausing in her speech. For a moment Draco thought she would be rendered speechless. "Well, I like plants. My apartment is full of them." To Draco it seemed that she had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. He resisted the urge to bang his head against the table. 'No better yet,' he thought darkly. 'Bang her head against the table.'
He looked wistfully back at the red head. Despite the woman's date's outward appearance, it seemed as though he hadn't been on a date in a long while. Draco was half expecting to hear him say: "I'm such a good lover, because I practice a lot on my own." He shuddered at the thought.
"Do you like kids?" Carolyn asked, drawing his attention back to her again.
"Kids?" he asked. 'Well that didn't sound stupid, now did it?'
"You know," she offered. "Children?"
"I like children..." he said with a small grin. "Fried."
"What?!" she gasped, eyes growing wide.
"It's only a joke," he said hastily. Her eyes went back to normal size but she continued to eye him suspiciously. "Kids are ok. As long as they aren't too loud."
"Oh," she said with a smile. "I know what you mean. My sister's kids never shut up. I think I would go insane if they were mine."
'Just like you are driving me insane?' Draco resisted the urge to snap.
A few minutes later the waiter arrived with the ice-cream that accompanied their meal. They thanked him and Draco could have almost kissed the man for stopping Carolyn's flow of speech. Almost.
"I love ice-cream," she said happily, beginning to dig in. "Don't you?"
"Ice cream is exquisite," he quoted in a drawl. "What a pity it isn't illegal."
"That sounds like Shakespeare," she cooed.
"Voltaire," he corrected.
"Big diff," she said offhandedly, and Draco resisted yet another urge to strangle her.
As Carolyn contented herself with her ice-cream, Draco watched the red headed beauty a foot away. 'What I wouldn't give to be in his shoes,' he thought, observing her peculiar date. He seemed to be a little wasted as compared to when he had walked in. His hands were waving, his speech slightly slurred.
"Draco," Carolyn said softly. "I'm just going to go to the washroom." He frowned slightly and nodded. As soon as she was out of sight he called the waiter and asked for the check.
"Women-" the man clucked. "Can't live with them, can't bury them in the backyard without the neighbors seeing."
"I'm beginning to think you're right," Draco sighed, handing over ten Galleons for the meal. 'Money pit,' he thought bitterly after the smiling waiter. 'That's what this place is.'
Carolyn did not return for a good twenty minutes. Draco was just beginning to wonder if the woman had gotten herself lost when someone touched his shoulder. He turned around to see her smiling behind him.
"Draco, dear," she said, then giggled. "I'm sorry but I have to go. Greg, my boyfriend, he's here. He came looking for me. He wants me back." She smiled widely. "Thank you for the lovely evening."
A kiss on the cheek later and the woman was gone. This left Draco to stare at his unfinished wine. 'Well, that eliminates the chance that I have to go through this again,' he thought. Then paused. 'I hope.'
There was a thud a short distance away and he looked over to see the red head's date on the ground. Out cold.
"Bloody git," he heard her mutter.
Before Draco knew what he was doing he reached out and touched her arm, just as he suspected he could when she had first sat down. "It seems like your date has passed out," he observed. She looked at him in surprise then smiled.
"Good riddance." She looked at his table. "I see yours has left as well."
"Blind date," he replied.
"Mine too," she sighed.
"Figured as much," he said. "So, what do you say we leave together then?"
"Wouldn't that be rather stupid?" she asked. "I mean, we don't know each other. It would be no different than the blind dates."
"Well, stupidity got us into this mess," Draco responded offhandedly. "Why can't it get us out?" She laughed softly. "Besides, it's not like we don't know each other. We already crashed paths once before."
She laughed harder at this. "Yes, I suppose you're right." She dug through her purse and placed enough money on the table to pay for the meal. "Shall we then?"
And so the two of them left the restaurant and begun meandering about the streets.
"So, what was that guy's profession?" Draco asked, trying to start a conversation.
"Engineer," she replied. "How could I forget?" she added darkly. "He was explaining how trigonometry applies to the Wizarding World."
"Ah," Draco said, it all falling into place. "That explains it all."
"Explains what?" she asked quizzically as they made their way to a park.
"Alcohol and calculus don't mix," Draco drawled with a grin. "One should never drink and derive."
The red head stared at him for a moment then burst out laughing. "That was the most pathetic thing I have ever heard!"
"You mean your engineer friend had nothing better?" Draco asked, chuckling himself.
"Well," the red head replied, stifling her laughter. "He did catch me off guard when he said: 'Love is the answer- But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.' All rather disturbing if you ask me."
"Are you saying you're not open to the idea?" Draco asked innocently.
"Not with him I'm not," she snapped, then laughed again. "You know Malfoy," she said with a grin. Draco stopped. 'How does she know my name?' "You're a different person from who I remember you being."
"Remember?" he asked, dumbfounded.
She turned and looked at him. "From Hogwarts?" she offered.
"You went to Hogwarts?" he asked. He was trying to place her face but he just couldn't. He was sure he would remember such a lovely thing.
"You don't know who I am, do you?" she asked, her face falling a bit. "Well I suppose this is where this ends then."
"Why?" Draco demanded. "It's not like you're Potter or anything."
"No," she said slowly, watching his face. "But I am his best friend's sister."
"You're a Weasley?" he asked in disbelief.
'Well duh,' his brain shouted. 'Red hair! Weasley!'
'Shut up,' he snapped at it.
She nodded then looked away. "I suppose I'll be going then," she said softly. "Sorry for misleading you."
She made to leave but Draco caught at her hand. "Why would you go?" he asked, no trace of sarcasm in his voice. He also was not fully aware of what he was doing. If he had been fully aware I doubt our blonde haired friend would be exempting the Weasley factor from his mind quite so quickly. Lucky for us though, it seemed the ingrained side of Draco's mind, the side where the 'Do Not Associate with Weasleys' principle resided, was conveniently absent.
"Well, I thought since you found out that I'm a Weasley..." she said slowly, a confused look on her face.
"Why would that matter?" he asked, not exactly thinking about what he was saying once again. All that he knew was that he didn't care what she was as long as she was willing to be his. "What's a name?"
She let out a soft laugh. "You really have changed," Ginny said. "Quite unique for a Malfoy."
"Well I was always told as a child to remember that I was unique." He grinned. "Just like everybody else'"
She laughed at this and he chuckled along with her. Still holding her hand, he pulled her closer.
"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met," he said softly. "I could care less what you are. I want to find out who you are." And with that he lowered his face to hers and gently kissed her lips. And you know what? She kissed him back.
The End
~*~
Author notes: Well, wasn't that fun? I thought so. Now, if you would be dear and tell me just how much fun it was I would find you grand. :p