Every Snupin Ever Written

Every Snupin Ever Written

Champagne bottles, hundreds of them, lay empty and strewn about a few dozen empty tables. The charm used to keep the flowers fresh had worn off so that everything was covered in a layer of white and red rose petals. The string quartet had long since packed up and left the Great Hall of Hogwarts silent. All the toasts had been said. All the cake had been eaten. Remus Lupin and Severus Snape had departed for a honeymoon that would take them around the world, and all that remained as the night waned and sunrise beckoned mere hours away were a few guests drinking the last bit of wine and musing over the grandest party in Hogwarts history.

"I still don't get it," Harry Potter said before taking a long sip of merlot from the glass he held tightly in his hands.

"Where've you been the last twelve hours?" Ron Weasley replied, an arm slumped over his eyes shielding them from the light of a thousand candles still floating through the air.

"Oh, I saw it. I just don't get it." He finished off his merlot and refilled it with chardonnay from one of the nearby bottles. "I saw the bonding ceremony. I saw them kiss. I saw them dance. I saw -- for the love of all things Gryffindor -- I saw Remus grab Snape's bony arse," he said with a shiver and a hand clutched to his stomach as the wine churned menacingly within. "I couldn't for the life of me tell you what Remus sees in him, but damn it if they weren't, both of them, happy."

"Professor Snape was more than just happy," Hermione Granger added, her fingers twirling a bit of Neville Longbottom's hair. "He was practically glowing. I've never seen him look so handsome."

At this Neville nearly choked on his drink, a mixture of three different wines from bottles he felt compelled to polish off. "Handsome! That's going a bit far, isn't it?"

"He was handsome," Luna Lovegood added as she crushed flower petals into her glass with equal parts firewhiskey and butter beer for use later that week in her search for the elusive Prickly Backed Bandersnut. "His hair was so shiny."

"Greasy. Not Shiny. Greasy," Harry snorted. "And it was always greasy. Tonight, it was just neat and greasy as opposed to stringy and greasy."

"His eyes were bright," Luna continued.

"Strung out on some potion, most likely."

"He stood tall and very proud."

"Like he had a glass rod shoved up his-"

"Harry!" Hermione warned.

"Oh, all right. Fine. He looked very nearly human. It still doesn't explain to me how this could have happened. I mean, I'm not one to deny anyone the occasional shag. You want to shag one person exclusively, that's fine, too. But married, bonded even, that's insane. Why would anyone voluntarily attach themself to Snape for a lifetime? Wizards live long lives, you know. They're both pretty young. We're talking decades here, at least."

"What's your problem, Potter?" Draco Malfoy drawled, lifting his head slightly to glare at Harry from where he lay atop a table surrounded by the wall of champagne flutes that Ginny Weasley had built around him. "Is it that your precious werewolf is with Snape at all or that they got married and made it permanent?"

"Oh come on, like I'm the only one in the room baffled at how anyone could decide to spend the rest of their life with Severus Snape willingly. There has to be a reason of some kind."

"A reason?"

"Yes, you bloody great wanker, a reason. Some sort of motive behind it all, some rationale to explain how someone like Remus could tolerate the overgrown bat."

"Well, since you mentioned great wankers, maybe Snape's carrying around a...mighty staff."

Luna looked up. "You mean like a special wand?"

"In a manner of speaking," Draco snickered.

Harry stuffed his fingers in his ears, "I'm not hearing this."

"It would be a reason, and not such a bad one," Ron added.

"No, it wouldn't!" Harry snapped.

"Wouldn't be a bad reason?"

"No! Wait, what? No, it's no reason at all." Harry's face turned a rather dark shade of red as he glowered at Ron. "There's something more sinister afoot here."

"A foot!" Luna squealed happily, to which Ginny let out a giggle that was far louder than she intended. "That is a good reason."

"Can we get this discussion back on track?" Harry gave Luna his best death glare. "I still contend that there has to be a logical explanation for these two getting together. I refuse to believe it just happened because Snape was...was... oh , I can't even say it."

"Try as you might, you can't deny chemistry, Potter," Draco happily informed him. "Your precious Lupin couldn't take his eyes off Severus all night. You have to be blind not to see that they were very into one another."

"But how did they even get to that point? It seems like only yesterday that they hated each other enough to tear one another apart limb by retched limb." Harry said that last bit wistfully.

"It probably didn't take much to get them started. Maybe Lupin walked in on Severus naked or in the bath and he liked what he saw," Draco said with a smirk.

"Are you trying to kill me!?" Harry squeaked.

"Harry," Hermione said sympathetically, "exactly what type of reason are you looking for?"

"I don't know. Something that makes sense. I mean, if that ridiculous law got passed, the one that said all werewolves had to have an owner and Snape took advantage of that--"

Draco's head snapped up again. "Why would he have to take advantage? Maybe he did it to spare Lupin the humiliation?"

"Are you saying there is such a law?" Luna's eyes went wide.

"No, you twit, but I am wondering why it had to be that Severus was taking advantage of Lupin. It might just be that he did it to spare Lupin. Severus isn't evil, you know."

"Sure about that?" Ron quipped.

Draco waved his hand dismissively. "Well, not all the time. Not when it really counts. He's saved the hide of everyone in this room at least once. I can see his deciding that Lupin didn't deserve to be treated poorly and took it upon himself to help. There's a heart in there somewhere."

"Shriveled and black and oozing-"

"Harry!" Hermione yelped.

"What if," Draco continued unperturbed, "Snape married Lupin to save him from some ridiculous Ministry edict, or something. The Ministry is always looking for new and exciting ways to harass people like Lupin. It's a bleeding hobby for some of them."

Ron snorted. "Quidditch, basket weaving, oppressing entire races of innocent people."

"Exactly. Maybe something got passed we didn't hear about and Severus decided to do something about it. Whether you think so or not, Severus can't tolerate unfair treatment. He's had to deal with it enough in his own life. It is possible he did it out of the kindness of his shriveled, black heart."

Harry was still not convinced. "More likely, Snape realized he would be spending the rest of his miserable life alone and figured Remus was the only person who would have him. Remus was always too nice for his own good."

"Let me see if I understand you, Potter: Snape, a world renowned Potions master, a war hero, Order of Merlin and the like, decides he wants a boyfriend and his only option is a shabby werewolf with a patched cardigan and three chocolate bars to his name."

"Remus is a catch!" Harry insisted.

"Of course, shabby chic is in." Draco replied with a yawn. "A wonder I didn't see it before."

"Maybe they started an affair while Lupin taught here in our third year," Hermione said dreamily.

Ginny smiled, "Not that again."

"What'cha mean 'again'?" Ron asked

Ginny rolled her eyes. "That was a favorite theory among the girls in my dorm that year. They were convinced that the open hatred was really just used to hide the fact that they were shagging. Everyone figured Snape to be a kinky bastard and they hoped Remus was as well. Can't you just see Snape with whip and chains and ...."

"Ball gags, cock rings, hot wax, clamps and screws and double-sided - "

"All right, Hermione," Ginny interrupted before Hermione's list made Harry's head burst into flames. "We get the point. I really wonder what you read sometimes."

"I think it's important to be well-versed on a variety of topics," Hermione said with a blush reddening her face.

Draco sniggered. "One never knows when one has to deliver an impromptu speech on S & M techniques preferred by werewolves and the Potions masters who beat them."

"Oh, stuff it, Malfoy."

"Thanks for the offer, Granger, but you're not my type."

"Do we know who invented the Wolfsbane?" Ginny asked suddenly.

Draco turned to look up at her. "Why?"

"Maybe Snape invented it; he's certainly capable enough. And Maybe Remus found out about it and he was just....grateful?"

"If you're grateful you send a note. Some flowers, maybe. A box of chocolate. You don't shag someone," Harry retorted.

"What about blow jobs?" Draco asked.

"No!"

"Hand jobs?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Remind me never to do you any favors, Potter."

"Fine then, maybe Snape was the one who needed to get married and Remus volunteered to help him," Ginny offered placing the last champagne flute atop a pyramid just above Draco's head.

"Why would Snape need to marry?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's some ridiculous pure-blood thing. Mum and Dad are always bringing up some archaic rite that we're supposed to participate in. Last year, Mum tried to get me to cut all my hair off and burn it in a fertility ritual."

"Fertility ritual! What, there aren't enough of you?"

"She wants grandkids. Two of her sons are gay and another's undecided. One doesn't want kids, one wants to wait until he's much older, and the other is Percy, but that's not really the point of this discussion, is it?"

"Sorry, Weaslette. What is the point of this discussion?"

Everyone paused for a moment as they tried to remember the point of what they were discussing. Ron, who was now curled on his side in the fetal position yawned and sputtered, "Snape...married...pure-blood rituals..."

"Right," Ginny spurted. "Maybe it's some pure-blood rule that says he has to be married by a certain age or maybe someone cursed him, like Voldemort or a jealous Death Eater. Maybe it was his abusive father, or his cold, heartless mother."

"You've met his parents?" Hermione asked.

"No. I'm playing the odds that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

"I'd take that bet," Ron mumble sleepily.

"Anyway," Ginny continued, "maybe he had to do it or he'd lose his estate."

"Now he has an estate?" Ron interrupted his sister without looking up.

"Sure, Snape Manor or something. Can't you just see it -- dark and gothic with pointy spires and stained glass windows. Magnificent, but poorly kept because he can't get to his inheritance since his family disowned him for siding with Dumbledore. He hates returning to it and the memories it holds, but he can't deny his past. And Remus shows up and offers to marry him to save the home of his ancestors."

"You've been reading those books again, haven't you?," Hermione cut in. "The ones with the overly handsome wizards with impossibly chiseled chins and huge bulges in their trousers and the witches clutching them for dear life with their robes torn open, exposing huge, bulbous breasts."

"Yes, actually, I have. Do you want them back?"

Everyone turned to Hermione. "Er...no....that's ...hey, what if Snape discovered an all out cure for lycanthropy, but he's making Remus marry him in order to get it."

"Selfish prick," Ron sneered, as he slung his arm over his eyes again.

Harry, however, seemed think the idea was pure genius. "Yeah," he said, his eyes sparkling. "He's a Potions master after all, and one of the few who could brew the Wolfsbane. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch for him to develop a cure. And he forced Remus to marry him in order to get it."

"Why would he do that?" Draco asked

"Because he hates Remus and wants to make him suffer."

"And what's more painful than tons of wanton sex?"

"Exactly!" Harry beamed with pride.

"Listed scar-head, while I don't disagree that when it comes to you sex is torture, it's pretty good for the rest of us, and if Severus truly wanted to make Lupin's life miserable he would find other ways to do it. He's creative that way. Especially when it comes to persecution, the man's a bloody virtuoso."

"It could have to do with a potion, though," Hermione pointed out. "Snape is always experimenting. Maybe he needed a werewolf part for a potion. Hair, blood, saliva -"

"Semen," Ron added to which everyone in the room shuddered. Empty glasses were soon refilled.

Ginny, now content with her recent stint in architecture and completely out of champagne flutes, walked over to Harry, sat on his lap, grabbed his wine, and practically inhaled the contents of the glass before she spoke: "Maybe they got captured during the war."

"Wouldn't we know if they got captured?" Harry asked.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Might have been a really super secret mission and they hushed the whole thing up."

Harry quirked his eyebrow. "So, what, they went on a mission together and between dodging hexes they decided they should be shagging."

"It would be more complicated then that, I think. They were probably cursing each other while throwing hexes. Their bickering made them careless and they got captured."

"That I could believe," he said with a smirk.

"They found themselves locked together in some dreary, musty, decrepit dungeon," she continued.

Draco laughed. "And this is different for Snape because..."

"And full moon was about to rise," Ginny said picking up momentum.

"Inconvenient, that," Ron added.

"Voldemort locked them up together, figuring Lupin would tear Snape to shreds when he transformed."

Draco gave her a withering look. "Why not just kill them outright?"

"Because Voldemort was a sick bastard who planned elaborate and incredibly convoluted schemes to torment anyone who opposed him, thus making all escape attempts highly dramatic and rather exciting."

"Oh yeah. Right," Draco agreed and laid his head back down. "Carry on. This is fascinating."

"Rescue seemed unlikely, being that they were on a super secret mission and no one knew their whereabouts," Ginny prodded on.

"Of course," Hermione muttered.

"Shut it, she's on a roll," Draco muttered back.

"But Lupin knows of one thing that could save Snape. They must become mates."

Harry nearly threw her off his lap. "What!? Why?"

"Because werewolves don't kill their mates," Ginny explained.

"Do we know that for sure? I mean, wolves mate for life, but has anyone gotten close enough to a live werewolf to make that know for certain if that's true?"

"It's all we've got to go on. Work with me here."

Harry slid his hands under his glasses and began to rub his eyes. "Fine, so they shag or die. Is that what you're telling me?"

"It could have happened that way. It's as good a guess as any."

"It could have something to do with a mission, though," Hermione said thoughtfully. "They both went on enough of them. Maybe all that time alone and all that peril brought them together. Think of all that adrenaline. The blood rushing through their veins. The heat rising from their sweaty-"

"Hermione!"

"Hm? Sorry, did you say something?"

Ginny smirked. "As I was saying, it is possible that some forced circumstance did the trick. Maybe one was caught by the Death Eaters and the other rescued him. It wouldn't take much for two people to get together after that."

"I could see Remus rushing in to save Snape," Harry said proudly.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Potter," Draco began, "but chances are that if anyone did any saving it would be Snape."

"Why? Because of his generous nature?"

"No, because he was the one doing most of the spying, and it is far more likely that Remus got himself captured and Snape had to blow his cover to save his sorry hide."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "It's more likely that Voldemort saw through his ridiculous cover and Snape got himself in trouble. It is also likely that the only one who gave enough of a damn to do anything about it was Remus."

"But neither happened," Hermione interjected. "Snape's cover was never blown and Remus was never captured."

"Maybe they used Remus as a way to test Snape," Ginny threw in. "Maybe Voldemort wanted to test Snape's fidelity, captured Remus, and forced Snape to torture him.

"Remus was never captured," Hermione repeated.

Draco gave a twisted smile. "May he tortured Lupin and Lupin liked it."

"Remus was never captured!" Hermione hollered. "What's the point of talking about things that never happened? You might as well say that one nursed the other back to health from some critical injury, when we know that neither was ever hurt that severely. Or that one lost his sight to his ability to do magic and the other helped him cope. Why not just say they got together because Voldemort won the war and they ran off together for their own safety."

"Can you imagine if Voldemort had won the war?" Luna said. Hermione screamed knocked her own head against the table top. Really hard. Repeatedly. Luna, not seeing this as unusual behavior (Hermione often did this in her company), prattled on. "What if Snape was working for him all along and Voldemort gave Remus to him as a gift for his loyalty?"

"That's just sick." Harry was visibly green.

"I like it," said Draco.

"You would."

"Oh, come on, Potter. If you could have gifted Snape to Remus as a reward, wouldn't you have done it? Wouldn't you have loved to humiliate him like that, by making him a pet?"

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

"You're the one who can't think imagine anything romantic between them. Why do these ideas sound so ridiculous?"

Harry snorted. "Because Voldemort did not win the war; he is currently a pile of dust. Secondly, I would never make a gift of one human being to another."

"Are those ideas any more absurd than anything else we've mentioned?"

"Well, why not just say that Remus bought Snape at an auction, or snogged him during a game of Truth or Dare?"

"Like that could ever happen. Like Snape would allow himself to be auctioned off. And I don't think he's ever played a game in his life except for 'Pin the Tale on the Gryffindor' and that was only for special occasions."

"Do we know if Snape plays an instrument?" Hermione asked unexpectedly causing everyone in the room to freeze and turn to face her.

"What?" Harry was beginning to wonder if Hermione had done more than drink a bit of wine.

"The violin maybe? Or the piano? The pan flute? Anything?"

"And why would that make a difference?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Musicians always seem sexier. I mean even the ugliest seem to get shagged pretty regularly."

Draco laughed. "Music does soothe the savage beast. Maybe he sang to his little werewolf."

"Maybe Remus sang to Snape?" Ginny added. "He does sing rather nicely."

"You heard him sing?"

"Karaoke."

"Okay, I'm stopping you right there!" Hermione jumped in. "I refuse to believe Remus Lupin sang Karaoke."

"You were there," Ginny insisted.

"I was?"

"You started it. After two butter beers with a firewhiskey chaser you got up on the table and stated signing, 'I Am Woman'."

"Oh. Right. Carry on, then."

"That's it." Ron sat up. "Look, you lot, my vote is that they got very, very drunk, shagged because it felt good, and decided to keep shagging as neither really had anything going on. Remus, being a werewolf, got very little action. Snape, being a prick bastard, got less. They had nothing to lose, really, so they shagged happily ever after. The end."

"Now that's romantic. Weasley, you have quite a gift for narrative." Draco gave Ron a wink. Ron tried to wink back but being so loaded only managed to scrunch his eye lids in a hard blink.

Harry shook his head. "No, no, no! There's more to it. Snape did something to Remus."

"Yes, he did. He shagged him. Many, many times." Draco called out.

"God, I hate you."

Draco blew Harry a kiss.

"None of that. Or else we're going to start thinking of ways you two could get together, and that could take weeks to organize. The Quidditch scenarios alone might take days," said Ron as he got up and walked to where Draco was lying. "And, I still say they got drunk."

Ginny shook her head in an effort to will away the headache that was forming. "Look, while we are going around with theories, can I just say I would rather not discuss anything that has to do with Snape being a vampire or Lupin being pregnant."

"Have you gone insane?" Harry's expression clearly said that Ginny had indeed gone insane.

"No," Ginny replied. "I just see the direction this conversation is heading and I have ingested an appalling amount of alcohol. I need to stop the nightmares before they start. Do you follow?"

"All right. As long as I don't have to hear how they were in love since their school days," Ron replied.

"Why?"

"Because they hated each other."

"But why did they hate each other?" Hermione asked, as she moved to Luna's lap for no reason other than it was available. "I mean, wouldn't it stand to reason that all that hate is really masking years of pent up passion? Years of animosity and backbiting built up to a fevered frenzy? Things get really heated one night, then they fight and wands aren't enough, so they resort to fists. Soon they are tumbling all over the floor, grasping at each other, ripping clothing, exposing flesh and then...then...well, it makes sense."

"No, it does not. Like that would ever happen. What kind of ridiculous presumption is that?" Ron said with laugh.

Draco looked up. "I wouldn't be so quick to answer, Weasley, not if you have any hopes of getting laid ever again."

"It does make an awful lot of sense if you think about it," Ron agreed quickly.

"You are wise beyond your years, weasel."

"Thanks for noticing, ferret."

"Enough with the pet names," Harry exclaimed quickly placing his hands over his ears. "Now I'm going to have nightmares. If I could kindly redirect your attention to the topic at hand, may I say that you are all way off. I bet Snape Polyjuiced himself to look like someone Remus trusted to get him to spill his gut, and now he has all this information and blackmailed him into marrying him."

"Ah, good old blackmail. Now that's a lovely thought," Draco said dreamily. "I can just see it: Lupin comes across some files or paperwork that implicates Severus in something or other and Lupin threatens to expose him to the world. Nothing says lifetime commitment quite like coercion. "

Harry snarled, "More like Snape came across Remus's private papers, or a diary even, and is using that information to force Remus to marry him."

"So, your werewolf has a checkered past."

"I didn't say that!"

"Then what would he have to hide?"

"Will you two quit it?" Ron griped. "Can't we just go back to my night of drunken debauchery scenario? It's really the most pleasant."

"No, they were forced to spend time together all alone at Grimmauld Place," someone shouted.

"They were accidentally bonded together in a potions accident," another offered.

"One inadvertently drank an aphrodisiac."

"One purposefully drank an aphrodisiac."

"One had amnesia and the other helped him remember?"

"One obliviated the other to help him forget?"

"They were forced to make peace for the sake of the war."

"They were quarantined in the infirmary with nothing but Scrabble, a deck of cards, and no will to live." Someone threw something at Ron.

"I've got it," Luna blurted out, her eyes going buggier than usual, indicating she either had an idea or she sat on something sharp. "Maybe Snape started a hobby like, oh I don't know, photography. Muggle photography, even. Then, he starts snapping these pictures all around the school and he happens to catch Remus in one of those private moments. Maybe he sees him differently, you know? Maybe he even gets obsessed and starts taking a bunch of pictures but of just Remus. And Remus accidentally finds out about the photographs and Snape spills his guts in a really overdone speech. Then they both discover that they have changed over the years, and that they really want to be with each other, and they shag in a far too quick and imprudent manner."

"Oh, like that could ever happen."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"That's it, you're cut off. No more booze for you."

"It just a thought. No need to get all snippy."

"Neville," Ron called, "You've been terribly quiet. Got any theories."

Neville looked up with a very shrewd look on his face and looked at everyone in the room in turn. Very plainly, he said, "Imperius."

Everyone just stared at him.

"Brilliant."

"That's the answer.

"How could we have not have seen it?"

Just then, Albus Dumbledore entered the hall and surveyed the scene before him with a twinkle in his eye.

"Good lord," Draco exclaimed.

"What?" Ron asked.

"He's twinkling. I hate it when he twinkles. It never means anything good for a Slytherin."

"Making sure no wine bottle goes unturned," he said as Ginny hiccupped, and Hermione raised her fingers as she counted how many headmasters were addressing them. She was up to three when Harry spoke up.

"Headmaster," he began, "perhaps you could help settle something for us. Do you know how Remus and Snape got together?"

Dumbledore smiled and answered with a small shrug. "Oh, I don't suppose their story is an unusual one. Two people, both alone in the world, both living with secrets that altered their lives, both dark creatures in their own way. It isn't too difficult to imagine what they found in each other. Understanding, I suppose. Solace. Acceptance. Their lives intertwined throughout a history that spanned decades. They already shared so much, the rest seemed inevitable, I think.

"I like to believe that Remus was able to break through Severus's walls, got him to lower his mask, and helped him understand the beauty that life has to offer. That there is good in the world. In turn, I also like to think that Severus offered Remus a link to his past, freedom from fear of rejection when his condition was discovered, someone who challenged him. Someone who understood him. I like to think they fell in love."

Draco dropped his head on Ron's shoulder as his fingers drew small circles on his leg. Harry put his arms around Ginny and dropped a small kiss on her forehead. Hermione pressed her forehead to Neville's and whispered something only he could hear.

"I see it is a concept you are all somewhat familiar with," Dumbledore said with a smile. He turned with a bow and made to leave the Great Hall.

"Headmaster!," Ron called.

Dumbledore turned to face him.

"Is it possible that they just got very, very drunk?"

Dumbledore twirled the tip of his beard in his long fingers. "Anything is possible, Mr. Weasley."

"I rest my case," he said proudly just before he passed out.

Finis