Paraesthesia, or Love for the Undiscerning

Precisely HOW does a thirty-seven year old, unemployed virginal werewolf snatch a malignantly clumsy twenty-something? With pity, alcohol, Mundungus Couture, evil rednecks, underage drinking, bad haircuts, poor role models, suicide, remorse, neo-existentialism and badly off-key Smiths songs. Gripping romance! Edge-of-your-seat entertainment! Tee-shirts that say 'Hottie Diva 69!!!!' RLNT and RWHG! All this and far, far less.

In which a drunk, self-destructive, however gentlemanly (where gentlemanlyness is defined as 'drinks beer out of a glass instead of can or stubby) werewolf knocks back the well-intentioned advances of a comely young auror and metamorphmagus. Is he as blunt as a 'sawn-off dildo'? Is Tonks best left to seek solace in the arms of a man who starts every sentence with 'I'm not racist, but...'? Will Mundungus' terrible cigarettes and alcohol make everyone come to their senses?Romance, romance, swearing, exploitative smut, alcohol abuse and Mundungus. The greatest fanfiction ever written, in the same way that 'From Dusk Till Dawn' is the greatest movie ever made.

Remus Lupin is in a romantic quandary and needs advice. He seeks it, however, from an emotionally crippled sixteen year old boy with enough of his own problems.

A lonely werewolf with a high blood alcohol content and low self esteem gets fashion advice and a haircut from a ginger-haired, bandy-legged, equally drunk petty crook and amateur stripper. However, it takes more than a crummy haircut and an ill-fitting suit to snatch a comely young auror away from a younger man who wears expensive aftershave and neatly-pressed designer garb...

How can an alcoholic, unemployed (albeit utterly charming and witty) werewolf compete with a rich, young (albeit utterly unendearing and rather stupid) young man for the affections of a nice young woman? Plenty of angryLupin! and angst. Lots of angst. So much freaking angst I had those Evanescence jerks proof read it and add in some more angst.

The morning after he tries to drown himself, Remus Lupin gets some seriously well-needed alcoholic therapy from Mundungus Fletcher. However, the roots of his problems are too deep-seeded for booze alone, and it takes the steely determination of a plucky young Auror to unravel the frustration that is Remus John Lupin. Final chapter. RLNT.