Slash.....aha!!!!!!

Fang decided to avoid the cottage altogether, going for a moonlit stroll in the grounds instead. It was while he was leaning against a giant oak, his hind leg raised and angled, to minimise droppage, that he first saw the movement slinking from shadow to shadow. His interest piqued he quickly shook his leg and followed the great, black, handsome dog, trying to remember the last time another dog had been within a rolling tongue of his hindquarters.

All of a sudden, he came to a clearing in which he could see two rolling bodies making unearthly noises of animal pleasure. Just as Fang settled back to enjoy the unexpected turn the evening had taken a twig snapped behind him and a light suddenly glared in his eyes, temporarily blinding him. Voices boomed out 'Fang!!'

'Snuffles!'

'Filch!'

'Mrs. Norris!'

Whilst Hagrid was either passing out with shock, or watching the scene before his eyes with.........interest......Back at the Burrow....

'Malfoy, I love you!'

'GOYLE? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU PLAYING AT?' Malfoy yelled, as he saw one of his sidekicks on the floor in front of him.

'Draco, I knew this was the only way.....I know how you feel about Harry, it's almost as intense as how I feel for you' Goyle said, standing up.

His frame was too big, even for the Dudley sized clothes he had nicked from Harry and the buttons on his shirt pinged off musically, revealing a manly, chubby chest. Malfoy almost retched.

'I've been standing as your right hand man for so long now, always there by your side, looking menacing. Never speaking, but then, I found my voice! I knew I could at least try to get you.....and I would have done, if it wasn't for forgetting that pesky potion!!' Goyle mused.

'You plank Goyle, you mess everything up, don't you?' Malfoy spat.

'But Dracy, here we are, and I swear on Merlin's beard, you will be mine!' And then he leapt onto the other boy, sending them both crashing to the floor. Moments later, the sound of footsteps drummed to the room, Ron burst in;

'What the? What are you doing??!! AND WHERE'S HARRY?' he cried. Malfoy pushed Goyle off him, and stood up.

'Good point Weasel.....where is Potter?'

At that particular moment, everyone was startled by a sudden noise---.

Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooossssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh BANG

Harry shot out of the sink tap, flying on his Firebolt. Blue paint was smeared artfully over his face, (Braveheart style). Malfoy's heart skipped a beat as Harry swooped gracefully around the room, dropping twigs as he went. All eyes were upon him as he ended in a breathtaking triple loop combined with a double back twist and landed before them. Everyone said, 'Wow!' Harry acknowledged his admiring crowd with a flick of his hair.

Malfoy was the first to speak. 'Potter! Where have you BEEN?'

Harry said, 'Malfoy, let me tell you a story.' At this, everyone pulled out an armchair and got comfortable with a mug of hot chocolate.

'After I left you in the Dursley's fireplace, I realised I had to satisfy a hunger, a hunger far greater than any I had experienced before---including the 40 Hour Famine I participated in last summer. I flew through Scotland's many hedges, to be with the one man I truly connect with - uh, Hermione sweetie? You can have Vikky darling back if you want.'

Ron, Ginny and Hermione gasped in horror at this horrifyingly horrific announcement.

Harry smiled wistfully. 'Yes darling's, that's right, I have found my one true love in Professor Lupin. Dear, dear Lupy. And may I just say, after my sojourn with my love, I feel I know him----rather well.' Harry had a strange look on his face.

At this, Malfoy gasped in horrifyingly horrific horror.

'NO! NO! NO! NO! Harry, you're making a huge mistake! I'M the one you want! Take me, oh please take me!' Malfoy threw himself at Harry's feet. Harry froze in shock. Goyle threw himself at Malfoy. Hermione threw herself at her quill, which she had dropped on Goyle's back. Ginny threw herself at Hermione, desperate for her body, seeing as her love looked to be out of the question. Ron, after assessing the situation, threw himself on the mass of bodies, because he hated being left out.

The door opened and Mel Gibson walked in. He wiped the blue paint off Harry's face 'Sorry Harry, do you mind if I have this back?' and walked out, closing the door behind him.

Harry came back to himself with a start and said, 'Bugger! I should have asked for his autograph!'

Harry struggled to disentangle himself from Malfoy's grip and wandered over to the mirror. For a moment, he thought he was seeing things as the mirror clouded over - what was that shape coming out of the fog? A-a dog? (Voice of the BBC messageboard, 'Enough with the Grim already!'). But wait, it was a dog! And a cat! And a man! Harry leaned forward for a closer look. He saw Fang, Mrs. Norris and Filch! Harry jumped back, muttering, 'Ugh, that's wrong'. Ron crept up behind him and brained him about the skull with a leaky cauldron.

'OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?' cried Harry.

'You're not the real Harry!' exclaimed Ron. 'Harry would never get together with Lupin! Not after what Lupin was caught doing with Justin Finch-Fletchley!'

'I am Harry Potter!' Harry said desperately.

'All right, prove it' demanded Ron.

Harry dropped his knickers and revealed a snitch-shaped birthmark on his left cheek.

'There! You see?'

'Yes. I suppose I. Wait a minute! I've never seen Harry's backside before!'

'Who are you trying to kid?' snorted Malfoy.

'Um.. You haven't? I thought you and Harry?' Before the imposter could finish his sentence, Ron brandished his wand, no the other one, and aimed it at the faux-Potter. Just then, the real Harry Potter walked in, brushing the floo-powder off of his robes.

'What the-?' said the real-Potter, mouth agape at the spectacle before him.

'Oops!' said the faux-Potter.

A scuffle ensued amongst the three of them. Both Potters sat on the floor rubbing their heads as Ron stood towering above the both of them, leaky cauldron poised above his head, ready to brain either Potter again.

'Okay. The both of you drop your pants right now!' said Ron, menacingly.

'I WILL NOT!' exclaimed the Potters simultaneously at the same time.

The faux-Potter began to tremble and change shape. His body began to shrink until nothing was left except a lump under the imposter's robes. With wand in hand, no the other one, Harry uncovered the lump.

'DOBBY?' Harry said sounding perplexed.

'Dobby?' said Ron sounding not as perplexed, as Harry does everything better.

'Dobby just wanted to hug Harry Potter's Wheezy!' sniffled the house-elf.

'You're not getting anywhere near my- Oh! You meant Ron, didn't you?' said Harry blushing. The door creaked open and Mel Gibson walked back in.

'Excuse me, I dropped my car keys' he said, picking up his keys off the floor and walking back out.

'Was that Mel Gibson?' Harry asked.

Ron sighed. 'Yeah, he does that all the time. It gets to be annoying after a bit. Imagine, saying he dropped his keys? Here, of all places! Fred thinks he pops in because he has a crush on Percy.'

Harry stared at Ron blankly.

'Aren't you forgetting someone?' remarked a voice from somewhere down below.

Hermione got up from the pile of bodies still strewn about the floor and walked out of the room and upstairs in a huff.

'No. I meant me, you blithering idiot!' said Draco Malfoy.

Draco got up from the pile of bodies still strewn about the floor and walked out of the room and upstairs in a huff. Harry and Ron walked out the bathroom and to the front door where some one was knocking. Harry opened the door.

'Neville? But how did you get outside? Where did she come from? What's going on?' said Harry in disbelief. Neville was standing next to his grandmother; both soaked by the rain.

'Here we go again' said Ron, rolling his eyes in exasperation.