Slash.....aha!!!!!!

"What have you got there, Ginny?" Fred asked, putting a heavy arm around her shoulders.

"Oh... Nothing really. Just a letter from... er... Neville," Ginny fibbed. Ron walked over to his sister, inwardly happy that the attention had been taken off him.

"What does he want? He's not asking you to go out with him, again, is he?" Ron inquired.

"Don't be silly, Ron! Neville and I have an understanding. We aren't each others' type!" Ginny said, her face burning slightly at the hint she had just given her brothers about herself (and Neville!).

"So, what does he want?" Fred asked, trying to snatch the letter from the red-haired girl's tight clutches. Ginny pushed him away, holding the letter close to her chest.

"He was wondering if we could meet up when I go to get my school books next week," Ginny replied, feeling quite pleased at how she could lie so convincingly. She had been good at it ever since Voldemort had used her in her first year.

"That's great!" Ron began, swiftly putting the parchment he had written on in his pocket and out of sight. "You can come along with Hermione and me if you like," he added. Ginny's face flushed.

"C-can I?" she stuttered. Ginny smiled a weird looking grin before running up to her room.

"What's wrong with her?" Ron said.

"Well, she said she's staying over at Neville's house where she and Neville, and another boy, are experimenting at the moment. Probably to do with school," Fred replied as he ran to the bathroom. A splash was heard, momentarily, followed by a loud groan of pleasure.

"You should really try sticking your head down the toilet and washing it this way, Ron. It gets rid of the lice, too, you know," Fred said.

"No thanks. I can think of better ways to wash myself. Nothing kinky, mind," Ron said crossing his fingers even though there was no one else in the room.

Meanwhile, at number 4 Privet Drive...

"Where's your bathroom?" Draco asked, whilst picking up pictures of Dudley from the bookshelf. "Not a bad looking man, altogether. I wouldn't mind- I am feeling a bit desperate."

"I've told you, the toilet is just next door," Harry said testily as he scratched his head and caught a handful of lice along with a spider, not much bigger than Aragog, which fell out and scuttled out of the window.

Harry waited for Draco to leave the room before he quickly grabbed the book Hermione had sent and had a quick look-through. He was interrupted, and disturbed, by the squeals from the bathroom, which sounded like Dudley. Harry smiled to himself at Draco's desperateness, but remembered that his thoughts were of Hermione. He may have left her for Viktor, but he still wanted her. Maybe, if he begged, she'd let them form a threesome. After all, they could pair up anyhow. They all loved each other the same, like sisters.

Draco came back in the room, dusting his robes. Harry gave him a knowing look.

"What?" Draco said, blushing slightly.

"Nothing," Harry said. At that moment, Hermes the owl flew into the room. Draco quickly grabbed the owl, throttled it to death, and threw it out of the window. Harry ran to throttle Draco who read the note. Draco shot at him with his wand and Harry fell back slightly.

"It's that Weasel boy sending letters to Granger. As much as I hate her, Father said to look after her. He has a tiny crush on her. Of course, when Mother found them together she ran to France. That's why I have to live in this dump. Where's that House Elf... er... Duckley gone? Tell him to fetch me a butterbeer, will you? He enjoyed himself when I poured it on him and licked it last time." The door flew open.

"Here's your tea, Mr. Malfoy," fumed Aunt Petunia.

Harry wondered if Draco had put the Imperius Curse on Aunt Petunia with his eyes, not using his wand. "No, that'd be Dark Magic in the extreme," thought Harry. Oh yeah? A nasty little voice at the back of Harry's voice crowed. We all know that Slytherin's never do Dark Magic. You forget, Potter. He's a Malfoy. "But he's changed." Changed, my arse! I'm having nightmares about what he did to Dudley in the bathroom! "Jealous, are you?"

Harry hated having conversations in his head because they were true.

Aunt Petunia walked out of the room. Draco turned to Harry, a triumphant look on his face, which soon turned to disgust.

"Goodness me! MILK! I only ever have black tea with a dash of lemon. Peasant!" he tipped the tea out of the window, scalding the remains of Hermes.

"Now, Harry, come on, just a little kiss. Don't tell me that you've not fantasized about this moment."

"Shhhyyyeeeaaahhh, right, Malfoy! - I am straight!" Or am I?

"Harry, come on. I can charm the knickers off of a Nun, so you won't be able to resist me."

Draco leaned in for the kill.

"Malfoy will you just fuck off, before I ram your wand where the sun doesn't shine!" Draco perked up at this piece of information and a sly grin played about his features. Just before he could answer a school owl came flying through the window.

"Bloody hell, Harry! It's like Picadilly Circus in your bedroom! Does it see so much action at night?" wondered Draco.

"Shh! It's from Dumbledore.

It read:

Dear Harry,

I have something to tell you.

I have some bad news. Mr. Malfoy has been taken in by the Muggle police for interfering with an underage girl. I don't know, at the moment, who it is, but that doesn't matter. The good news is his son has ran away, but the bad news is he is wanted for amorous advances towards five policemen from the London Met and he is still in this abnormal state. Watch out, Harry, please. He may be headed your way.

Dumbledore.

"Harry, that's not true. Those policemen, they were all friends of Dorothy, and that girl, well, she told Father that she was over sixteen. The word 'trollop' comes to mind when I think of Muggle girls. Harry, please, please, don't kick me out! I've nowhere to go! And, it's not long till school, where you can ravish me in the hidden Slytherin Dungeons."

Draco looked at Harry, tears shining in those steel grey eyes. Harry, inexplicably, weakened.

"Um... er... okay, but- the thing is, I'm off to The Burrow next Monday. What'll you do?"

"I'll come with you," smiled Draco.

"Over my dead body," murmured Harry. "Anyway, can't you go to the shops or something? I still have to answer Cho. And I'd rather do this by myself."

Draco sulked, but walked out of the room, not to go to the shops, but to have some more... fun with the wide boy.

Harry looked through Malfoy's bag, found a quill, and began to write his letter:

Dearest Cho,

I don't know how to say this, Cho, but I really wish you wouldn't keep writing to me. Now that you've been expelled from Hogwarts after that dreadful incident with Fang and the bicycle chain, I can't really see you in the same light. I'm a liberal minded sort of person, but you went too far that night and Hagrid was dreadfully upset. Anyway, I hope your new job is okay. You don't happen to have seen my Uncle Vernon where you work? No. On second thought, don't reply back.

Harry.

Harry sent the letter via a passing carrier pigeon seeing as Draco had curtailed the postal service. He then looked for the book that Hermione had sent him. Flicking through it, he was glad how much more life-like Wizarding books were than Muggle ones. It was...well... too life-like and was starting to make him uncomfortable. Just as he decided to make himself a bit more manageable, Draco, with Dudley in tow, burst in.

"Potter, as it's your birthday, what are we going to do in the way of a party? And, why are you holding my enchanted quill? You do know that if you don't whisper to it, the quill will write down the exact opposite of what you wanted it to write?"

"WHAT?" screamed Harry. "I just wrote a letter to Cho, and, oh my god, it must have come across as a hate letter! You bloody arse, Malfoy! Bugger off, come back in two minutes, then we can talk about my birthday. And you can leave him," he nodded at Dudley, "downstairs in the kitchen, stuffing his fat face."

Harry whispered to the quill and began to write:

Dearest Cho,

Please, please, please forgive my last letter. I borrowed an enchanted quill that wrote the exact opposite of what I wanted to say. I'm glad that you've written to me, I know that what happened at the end of last term was dreadful, but you are never far from my thoughts. There's a lot of strange stuff going on around here. I don't even know where to begin, but I'll see you on September 1st, unless you'll be in Diagon Alley in the next few weeks.

Take care, my sweet

H.

Harry dispatched the letter with Hedwig. "Find Cho before the other owl, Hedwig. Don't let me down."

Harry walked down the stairs to the kitchen, where he saw Dudley and Draco getting even better acquainted.

"Now, MALFOY, my favorite drink is Budweiser..."

Harry wasn't sure if his Aunt acted under magic, or, since her son was surprisingly happy and seemed safe, she didn't want anything to change that. No one really cared, whatever the reason. They were all happy she left them with snacks and stayed in her room for the rest of the night.

The kitchen table was littered with empty Budweiser bottles and crumbs. Only Dudley's bum could be seen from the refrigerator where he searched for more snacks.

"Ooo! Strawberries!" Dudley squealed.

Draco smiled. "Not without whipped cream," he said most seductively.

"I'll get plates," Harry slurred. Draco's smile turned to an evil grin. Slowly, he shook his head at Harry.

"No need."

In his drunken state, Harry could hardly understand what he meant until he saw Draco clear the table with a single swipe of his arm.

Back at Hogwarts...

"He's heading WHERE?" Sirius tried not to yell at Professor Dumbledore.

"Now, now, Sirius. Calm down. Young Mr. Malfoy may have had his way with the Muggle police officers, but Harry is a strong Wizard for his age and has always been capable of handling what ever Draco can throw at him.

Back at Privet Drive...

Draco threw a strawberry at Harry who caught it in his teeth.

"Mmmm...," Harry moaned as strawberry juice dripped down his cheeks to his ears.

"You make a lovely serving dish," Draco said as he surveyed the 'Platter of Harry' across the table with strawberries and whipped cream. Dudley, while enjoying himself, didn't have the courage to go past Harry's ankles. Harry squirmed as he licked the white sweetness off his toes.

Draco was about to take care of the juice that had trailed down to Harry's earlobes when an owl burst through the kitchen window.

"ARRGGGHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT!" shouted a terrified Draco. Dudley, with his head back in the refrigerator, was oblivious to the commotion. Draco began throwing plates at the owl, which dodged them all and dropped an envelope in Harry's hands before buzzing a ducking Dudley and flying back out the window as Draco shot sparks at it.

"Don't read that!" said Draco. "It's cursed!"

Harry examined the envelope. "It looks okay," He opened it and read. Draco sat at the table, fuming.

It read:

Dear Mr. Potter,

We have received intelligence that Draco Malfoy is able to perform an Undetectable Confundus Charm. Though, not as powerful as a regular Confundus, The Undetectable variety can cause slight dizziness and could cause you to think opposite to what you normally would. We suggest you be on the alert as the Minister of Magic, himself, believes that Draco Malfoy may be headed your way.

Enjoy your holidays!

Yours sincerely,

Mafalda Hopkirk

Improper Use of Magic Office

Ministry of Magic

Harry stared at Draco.

"What?" said Draco, unable to hide his nervousness. Harry grabbed a plate off the table and broke it over Malfoy's head, leaving him in a heap of robes on the floor. Harry felt as if some one had just lifted a weight off his brain. He looked down at Dudley who was back at the cream at Harry's feet. Harry kicked him with a resounding 'THUD'.

"I AM NOT FOOD, YOU NASTY LITTLE PIG!"

Harry ran upstairs to his room, locked the door, grabbed a piece of parchment and began to write:

Ron,

Get me the hell out of here! You'll never guess who showed up at my window. Between him and my sick cousin I'll have no feet left. Not to mention, Aunt Petunia is looking for Uncle Vernon's old shot-gun.

Sincerely,

H. (No, not Hermione, you red-haired freak! Keep dreaming!)

"Arrrgh! How am I supposed to send this?" said Harry.

Just then, Pig flew through his window and straight into the wall. Harry gently picked him up, took the envelope addressed to him, carefully placed his letter to Ron in Pig's talons, and chucked him back out the window. He opened the envelope that Pig delivered and immediately recognized the untidy scrawl:

Harry,

Dad says Malfoy is heading your way. We're on our way to pick you up, now, so you can stay at The Burrow for the rest of the summer. Won't Malfoy be pissed when he finds that you're not there! Cheers!

Sincerely,

Your best friend. (No, not Colin Creevey, you blithering eejit!)

Harry smiled. Ron and the rest of the Weasleys were in for a bit of a surprise.

To Be Continued....