Slash.....aha!!!!!!

"By the Dark Lord's Blood, but that is a lot of boy!" Draco exclaimed with glee as he walked around Dudley who had taken a hesitant step into Harry's room. "He's the size of Crabbe and Goyle combined and then some! I wonder if he'll be as much fun?"

Harry turned his head away, to hide his smirk, as Dudley turned a ghoulish-green color and began to cringe as Draco poked and prodded him with a finger as if inspecting a broom he was about to purchase. A horrified Dudley turned to Harry pleadingly. Harry could only laugh at his portly cousin.

"You two had better not be pitching tents and setting up camp in this room or I'll tell mother!" Dudley squeaked.

"He can speak? Oh, can I keep him, Potter? Please?" Draco caught Harry's eye and winked at him. Draco was clearly having as much fun as Harry was at watching Dudley squirm uncomfortably.

"STOP... TOUCHING... ME!" Dudley shouted, turning a bright pink.

"Get out, Dudley!" said Harry.

Dudley ran out of the room shivering and screaming "MUUUUMMM!".

"Well, that was boring," said Draco, dryly. He turned his attention back to the letter still in his hand. "It seems you have not finished opening your birthday cards. Do you mind?" Draco had already opened the letter and began to read before Harry could protest.

"'Dearest Harry,'" Draco began. "'Dearest'? My, but you do get around rather quickly, don't you, Potter?"

"Shut up, Malfoy! Just read the damn letter will you?"

"Don't get yourself worked into a lather!" Draco shouted back. "At least not yet," he grinned.

"I swear, Aunt Petunia is going to kill me," Harry groaned and flopped onto his bed.

Draco continued on.

"'Dearest Harry, I am sending you this letter not so much because it's your birthday, but because I have a confession to make. I'm pretty sure Hermione wouldn't like to find out I told you this, but I-'"

The door burst open:

"POTTER! WHAT HAVE YOU AND YOUR ABNORMAL FRIEND DONE TO MY DUDLEY? HE'S POSITIVELY A WRECK!" screamed Aunt Petunia.

Before Harry could speak, Malfoy walked across the small bedroom floor, in the manner of a lion stalking a little fawn, grazing on the grass.

"Well, well, well, Harry. You never told me you had such a gorgeous aunt. I know what I like, and I like what I see," drawled Draco, smiling in what he thought was a winning way.

"WICKED CHILD!" snapped Aunt Petunia. "I will not be spoken to in that outrageous manner in my own home! I want you OUT OF MY HOUSE in the next ten seconds!"

"My dear Petunia," drawled Draco, "nothing would give me greater pleasure to leave this.. um.. er.. house, but I believe that if I were to leave, then this house would be under the greatest threat of all. No, not The Dark Lord coming in here and probably killing you all in your sleep, but, my dear Petunia, I bring a certain je ne sais quoi, as the French say, to this house. The style that a Malfoy brings to a place where they visit is long remembered even after a Malfoy has forgotten all about it. Now. Where's that tea?" Draco gave a little laugh and turned to look at Harry, who seemed to want the ground to swallow him up, or at the very least, have the Avada Kedavra Curse performed on him.

Aunt Petunia looked at Draco with disbelief and stalked away muttering words along the lines of: "giggling imbecile.. never heard the like of it.."

Draco turned to Harry, as if Aunt Petunia had been a minor irritation.

"Now, Harry, my sweet, let's carry on with the Weasel's letter."

"Hang on a minute!" yelled Harry. "It's all very well for you to be Mr. Smarm with my Aunt, but I HAVE TO LIVE HERE! After you've buggered off, I'm the one who'll get it in the neck!"

Draco stared at Harry, smiled, and turned back to Ginny's letter.

"'Dearest Harry, I am sending you this letter not so much because it's your birthday, but because I have a confession to make. I'm pretty sure Hermione wouldn't like to find out I told you this, but I-

"'I love Hermione," spluttered Draco. "'I thought I'd never get over losing you to Cho.'"

"Cho Chang?" smirked Draco. "Good taste, Potter. If I swung for the other Quidditch Team, I'd have a go at her myself."

"Malfoy - LEAVE IT!"

"Oh, Potter. Temper, temper. I have just the thing," Draco reached into his bag, and pulled out a quill. "It's enchanted. I'm going to write to the Weasel and say that I'm Hemione. Oh, what fun we'll have!"

"You wouldn't dare!" screamed Harry.

"Of course not, Harry. Would I do that to you, my sweet? Now, look at the state of you. Go clean yourself up!"

"And leave you alone with that quill?"

"I swear on Pansy's life that I won't write anything."

"You hate Pansy."

"Ah, my cunning plan is foiled! Okay, then Snape. I like him. He's got a certain oomph-"

"Okay, okay! Give me two minutes."

"Only two, Harry? Surely, I'm worth more than that?"

Harry walked from the room, bright red.

Shaking his head, Draco thought: "Potter, you never trust a Slytherin. Especially not one as handsome and dashing as me."

Draco began to write:

Dearest Ginny,

Hi, it's Hermione. I don't know how to say this, Ron and Harry won't be happy, but I think I feel the same way. Your brother hasn't a clue what girls really want. Meet me in Diagon Alley when we get our books and we'll talk then.

Love, Hermione.

Draco sent the letter off with Hedwig, chuckling to himself. He then went off in search of Aunt Petunia and Dudley for some more fun.

Meanwhile, at The Burrow, Ron was composing a love poem to Hermione.

The Chudley Cannons

Were my passion

But that is not to be.

With her wobbly backside

And teeth so wide

Hermione's the girl for me.

When in a dominant mood

She is no prude,

She chastises me severely.

Smacking my bottom thrice

Feels quite nice

With a copy of Witch Weekly.

"She's going to love this!" exclaimed Ron, only to be thwacked over the head by Fred who had been reading the poem over Ron's shoulder without him knowing.

"You kinky devils! No wonder Mum can never find her magazines!" said a pop-eyed Fred. He snatched the poem off Ron and danced around the room holding it above his head.

Just then Ginny came running into the room with Draco's version of Hermione's letter.

To Be Continued....