Harry Potter and Friends

Mina Carstairs sat on the Hogwarts Express, looking out the window dully.

"What are you thinking?" asked Maura, the only other person in the compartment, and also Mina's best friend.

"Oh, lots of things," said Mina. "Actually, I was wondering if it was possible to sit on the ceiling."

Maura frowned in thought. "Well, seeing as we're going to a magical institution, I'd say it probably is."

"Uh... Thanks."

The compartment door opened, revealing a slight, bushy-haired girl. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize anyone was in here."

"The 'Room Occupied' sign didn't help you, huh? You Brits sure are strange," said Maura irritably.

"It's okay," said Mina. "You can come in if you like, it's just us two."

"Thanks," said the girl. She entered, followed by a boy with freckles and red hair, and a pale boy who's hair gave one the impression that he had lost a fight with a lawn-mower.

"I don't think I've ever seen you," said the girl finally. "I'm Hermione Granger."

"Wilhelmina Carstairs, and that's Maura Faucon. We're new."

"Pleased to meet you," said the red-head. "I'm Ron Weasley. And this," he paused for dramatic effect, "is Harry Potter."

Harry blushed.

"Hm," said Mina, uninterested.

Harry blinked. "You've never heard of me?"

"No," said Maura.

"Oh," said Harry. He looked terribly dissapointed.

"What's this?" came a voice from the doorway. "Potty, Weasel, the Mudblood and Company? How lovely." Draco Malfoy eyed Maura and Mina. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Language, Malfoy," said Ron. "There are ladies present."

"So I see," said Malfoy gallantly. "Well, Miladies, I am Draco Malfoy the Magnificent. Just Draco will do. I see you have the displeasure of Potter and his friends for company. Would you like to join me in my compartment?"

"Sure," shrugged Mina. "Later, guys," she said to the trio. She and Maura made to follow Malfoy out of the room.

Hermione grabbed Mina's arm. "Mina," she whispered. "You don't want to go with him! He's a stinky Slytherin!"

"I heard that," said Malfoy irritably. "And I'll have you know, Granger, I smell springtime fresh."

"Whatever Hermione," said Mina. "We're going to go with Draco, because he is charming and looks very fetching in black."

Ron wailed, "But you can't go with him! He doesn't like my daddy!"

Harry scooted farther away from Ron. "Uh..."

With that, Mina and Maura turned, and Draco put one arm around both of them, and they left the compartment.

Ron was in a hysterical fit of tears. Hermione hit him over the head with a very large book she conveniently had, or else our dear Ron Weasley might have needed serious medical attention.

-

"This year," announced McGonagall, "We have two new students who will be starting sixth year. They will be sorted first. Miss Carstairs, Miss Faucon, if you please," she motioned to the stool. Maura went first.

"SLYTHERIN!" the hat shouted before it was all the way on Maura's head.

Mina followed. She too was sorted in to Slytherin. They sat next to Draco Malfoy, who was making faces at Harry Potter's turned back.

"Hey, babes," said Draco. "What's up?"

Maura rolled her eyes in disgust, while Mina looked at him with admiration. "Your hair is soooo shiny, Draco!" she gushed. "However do you get it to stay like that?"

Draco smiled, enjoying the attention. "I have my ways," he said mysteriously.

Maura was staring at a staff member with shoulder length black hair. "Draco, who is that?"

"Huh?" he said through a mouthful of food. "Oh, 'das Sna', 'da potioms mawfter."

"What?"

Draco swallowed his food, and then said suavely, "That's Snape, the potions master. He's our head-of-house."

"What a cool outfit!" said Maura, eyeing his cape interestedly. Snape caught her eye and winked at her, and Maura blushed with embarrassment.

"Oh, yeah," said Draco conversationally. "He's evil and stuff - takes points from all the other houses, especially Gryffindor. He's a real criminally dude for Voldemort's support thing. Dumbledore's too stupid to realize."

Maura continued to stare at him the rest of the meal.

-

"Well," Snape said. "Today we will be mixing a... um... potion-related thing. It is very difficult, except, of course, for Slytherins, who somehow always make it perfectly."

The Gryffindors moaned.

"Now," said Snape. "Can anyone tell me what an Asphodel Root is?"

Hermione Granger and Maura's hands both shot up.

"Yes, Miss Faucon?"

"It has something to do with potions!" said Maura proudly.

"Very good, Miss Faucon! 20 points to Slytherin!"

"What!?" yelled Hermione. "She didn't even answer the question!"

"Shut the fuck up, Granger. No one likes you!" Snape crossed his arms.

Hermione burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Stop crying, you fool!" said Snape. "You are disrupting my class! Twenty squillion points from Gryffindor!"

"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Hermione ran screaming out of the dungeons.

Snape started laughing. "Loser."

Harry stood up. "I've had it with you! You are so mean and... icky! Why can't you be nice and take a shower!?"

Maura stood up. "He does not need a shower! Crucio!"

Harry screamed in pain as Maura tortured him. Snape enjoyed it for a few seconds before saying, "Miss Faucon, I wont punish you, as you had honorable intentions, but you really ought to stop to avoid problems with that old barmy codger - I mean headmaster."

Maura sighed. "Yes, Professor."

Harry got up and looked at Maura. "You're scary!"

Mina got up from her seat. "Bracis Removius," she said. Harry's pants dissapeared. The Slytherins howled with laughter. "Wingardium leviosa!" Harry began floating around. Mina flipped him over several times until he was dizzy and put him down. Harry puked all over Ron.

Snape looked like Christmas had come early.

"Miss Carstairs, that was a very impressive demonstration of the Pant Removal spell! 10 points to Slytherin!"

"What?" said Ron, who was covered in Harry-vomit. "She just broke about 50 school rules!"

"Yes," said Snape. "But it was necessary... for strategic... sheep... purposes."

"Oh," said Ron dumbly. "Okay. Can I go take a shower?"

"No," snapped Snape.

"Fine. Scourgify!" the spell that was supposed to clean Ron's robes backfired and set them on fire. Ron started screaming, but no one really cared, because he's just a lame sidekick who doesn't do anything but conveniently be there when Harry needs to puke.

Ron ran out of the room, his flaming robe billowing behind him.

"50 points from Gryffindor for being on fire, Weasley!" Snape called. "Miss Carstairs, Miss Faucon, could I please see you after class?"

The girls nodded and Harry stuck his tongue out at them.

"I saw that, Mr. Potter. 10 points from Gryffindor!"

Harry looked at his hands.

"Please continue the lesson and make your potion." He waved his wand and directions appeared on the blackboard.

After class, Mina and Maura both received top marks and 5 points to Slytherin each, despite the fact that their cauldrons were completely empty.

"Now," said Snape, after all the students had left the dungeon. "I understand if you want to vent your anger on Potter and his lackeys, but I would not suggest doing it in any other class."

"Yes, Professor Snape," they chimed.

-

"Look!" said Mina, on their way to the great hall for lunch a while later. There were several Gryffindor students looking at the hourglasses that kept the house points.

Parvati Patil was crying. "Term just started! How did we lose twenty squillion and sixty points?"

Maura moved in for a closer look. There was a post-it note on the hourglass.

-20 squillion and 60, thanks to your lovely friends Granger, Potter, and Weasley.

Yours sincerely,

Professor S. Snape

Harry, Ron, and Hermione came down the hall, talking about how much they hated Snape. All of the Gryffindors boo-ed at them and someone had gotten a bag of rotten groceries somehow, and several people were pelting them with month old fruit.

"Wow," said Mina to her friend. "Don't you usually get really mad when people talk about Snape? You didn't do anything this time!"

"Oh yes I did," Maura said proudly. "Where did you think they got the groceries?"

"Oh." The two made their way in to the Great Hall. Mina tripped several Gryffindors, and Maura discreetly set their robes on fire.

-

"Welcome to transfiguration," said McGonagall to her class. Mina and Maura sat with Draco and another Slytherin boy named Blaise Zabini.

"Today," continued McGonagall in her boring voice, "we will be turning turkeys into chickens!"

Mina's hand shot into the air. "Why?"

McGonagall faltered. "Wh- What do you mean why?"

"How is this going to help us in real life?" asked Maura.

The Slytherins sniggered.

Professor McGonagall frowned in confusion. "You two are misbehaving. I think you should go and sit in the back of the room for the rest of the lesson."

Mina pulled a chair out in the last row and sat down languidly. "Oh, yeah. I'm gonna learn loads back here!"

McGonagall stuttered through the rest of the lesson.

-

"I'm going to try out for the quidditch team," announced Maura at dinner.

"Great, babe," said Draco. He was staring at Professor Lila, the new defense against the dark arts teacher's ass.

Maura sighed and resumed her personal pastime of staring at the potions professor.

"Do you fancy Snape?" said Blaise Zabini curiously.

"Yes," said Maura dreamily, gazing at her teacher admiringly.

"Oh," said Blaise sadly. "Hey, Mina, you don't fancy Snape, do you?"

"Er...no."

"Good," he sighed in relief. "I can still hit on you."

"Uh... yeah."

"Hey, babe," Draco said to Maura. "Can you pass the pumpkin juice?"

Maura picked up the juice, turned, and dumped the contents on Draco's head. "I am not your babe!"

"Whatever," said Draco. "Professor Snape!" he called to the head of house. "Maura just dumped pumpkin juice on my head!"

"Oh," said Snape. "Well, then. Um... Miss Faucon, I will be forced to give you detention, in my office tonight."

"Yes, Professor," Maura tried to sound sad. Only she had seen the wink he sent her.

Mina smirked, and continued eating her food.

-

The next day during potions (Maura and Snape kept giving eachother glances) Professor McGonagall entered. "Professor Snape, may I borrow Miss Carstairs and Miss Faucon?"

"You can have Mina, but Maura's mine!... I mean, yes, of course, you may."

McGonagall lead the two girls out of the dungeons. "Professor Dumbledore must see you. It is very important."

"What is it, Professor?" asked Mina.

"Eh... I dunno. He just makes me go get the kids. He never actually tells me anything."

They reached the gargoyle that lead to Dumbledore's office.

"Reeses cup," said McGonagall.

"Eww!" said Maura. "I hate reeses cups!"

"Ah, Miss Carstairs, Miss Faucon!" said Dumbledore cheerily. "Thank you, Minerva. That will be all."

McGonagall walked huffily out of the room.

"What are you doing here?" Maura asked Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Hermione stuck her tongue out. Ron yelled "No one loves me!" and began to sob.

"I love you, Ron!" said Harry enthusiastically. "Er... you know, since we're best friends and all..."

Mina and Maura rolled their eyes.

"Well, anyway," said Dumbledore. "Mina, Maura, we've found out that you are the twin daughters of Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange, and that the fate of the wizarding world is in your hands. You must destrot the dark lord!"

"Wait!" said Harry. "Isn't that solely my job?"

"You've already had five tries, you git," said Dumbledore. "Anyone else by now would have bought a gun and blown Voldemorts brains out!"

"He's right, you know," said Hermione.

"Shut up, Hermione!" said Harry. "Can't you see I'm in severe mental pain?"

Maura looked at Dumbledore. "So, my name is like Maura Voldemort? That is so kick ass!"

"Uh... sure. But you must fight alongside Harry and his friends to defeat your father."

"What about this Bellatrix person?" asked Mina. "Do we have to defeat her, too?"

"Yup," said Dumbledore.

"Well, that's just really sucky for us, then, isn't it?" asked Mina. "We find out we're twins, and that's cool, I guess, but then we have to kill our parents?"

"Hey," said Dumbledore. "You're the one writing the story."

"Uh... heh..."

-

And so Mina, Maura, and the tempestuous trio set off to defeat the very evil Voldemort, and his lover, the very evil Bellatrix Lestrange, who, in all actuallity, looks quite normal, but is more evillish than you could ever imagine! Oooohhh!

The five were outside a really really big castle. And then Harry said the stupidest thing ever:

"I think Voldemort's around here."

"Thanks, Harry," said Maura. "I never would have guessed."

Suddenly a bunch of death eaters appeared and impaled Harry on some really sharp sticks.

"Cool!" said Mina and Maura in unison.

Lucius Malfoy pulled his hood down. "Aren't you the one who dumped juice on my precious son's head?"

"Uh... no..."

"Okay, then. Well, seeing as Potter is now impaled, we can imprison the other two, and bring Voldemort's daughters back to the castle."

When Mina and Voldemort met, they had a really cool sword fight, with cheap matrixy tricks and stuff. "You cannot defeat me!" said Voldemort. "I am your father!"

"No shit, sherlock," said Mina. "Okay dad, I'm tired. Can Maura and I go mutilate Potter's body?"

"Sure, kids, have fun." He put his arm around Bellatrix. "They just grow up so fast! It makes me all teary."

Suddenly Harry appeared, and took a really big gun and shot Voldemort in the head. Maura and Mina came back. "Wait a minute, you're supposed to be dead!" said Mina.

"Uhh... Yeah... About that... Er... Plothole?"

Suddenly, due to a couple more plotholes, Hermione and Ron appeared with weapony-things, and killed Bellatrix.

"Oh, you guys suck," said Maura. "They were cool!"

"Yeah," said Harry. "But now we can be friends! What do you two say?"

"NO," they said in unison.

Epilogue

And so, Voldemort was defeated due to a cunning use of plotholes. Maura and Mina got shiny black medals for their services, and received amnesty in all of the countries they had been banned from. Harry, Ron, and Hermione formed a punk-rock band called "The Eensy Weensy Spiders" and became bubble-gum pop legends, and oh, yeah, Maura married Snape, because if she didn't, she would be all pissed off at me.