Rating:
PG-13
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Remus Lupin
Genres:
Humor
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Prizoner of Azkaban
Stats:
Published: 01/12/2005
Updated: 01/12/2005
Words: 724
Chapters: 1
Hits: 825

The Drunken Diary

The Dork Lord

Story Summary:
Remus is using a Magic Dictation Quill to make an entry in his diary. As he remembers the good old days, he resorts to the bottle to help him feel better. Every word he says is recorded.

Posted:
01/12/2005
Hits:
825
Author's Note:
Warning, if Remus is your favourite character and you have the utmost respect for him, turn back now because you are about to see him smashed out of his mind. Just thought I'd say.


Written by magic dictation quill:

25th February: Diary of Remus Lupin.

Harry and I had another Anti-Dementor lesson today. He's been getting better at it recently ...and when I say he's getting better I mean he didn't crack his head open when he fainted. I think James would be proud of him. Of course James did nearly kill Sirius once with a Patronus but he would have been proud none the less. I've been thinking about James a lot lately ...and Lily. Ever since I met Harry on the train. I still can't believe that James was taken so suddenly, especially when he owed me 20 Galleons, git!

Ahem, anyway ...Harry's more like his father than he realises. From his behaviour it's obvious that he's also a repressed homosexual forced to date girls by the iron grip of society. Well, Harry's young. He'll be ready to come out of the closet by seventh year, tops.

Come in ...ah, good evening Severus. No I wasn't going to call you Snivellus. That was a long time ago, Snivel- I mean Severus. Ah, I see you've got my Wolfsbane potion. Yes, I'll be sure to ...yes, and the same to you. Bye.

I don't think that man has ever taken the cactus out of his backside ....oh good lord, this stuff tastes like cat vomit! Urgh, something to take the taste away ...ah, this will do.

Though come to think of it, that name was James' and Sirius' invention. Unlike the Snitch, which Sirius was always claiming he had invented. Well, I've done it again, I've managed to go and depress myself again. I must admit that I still miss the good old days, hanging out with the Marauders, exploring the grounds, eating squirrels raw ...only during my transformations, of course. Back then at least I had friends. I went into the Hog's Head for a drink last night. Naturally no one spoke to me. Sometimes I swear I give off some kind of vibe or scent that lets everyone know what I am ...I've been seriously considering changing my deodorant. Oh no wait, I tell a lie, someone did speak to me. Hagrid was there and came over to talk to me. The only problem was he was so drunk he ended up sitting on me when he missed the chair next to me. Not surprisingly, having my face buried in Hagrid's ass was the highlight of my day.

I suppose I should stop drinking this, I'll end up quite drunk ...oh one more never killed anyone. That's the right stuff ...now where was I? Oh yes, the Marauders. Tedious bunch of gits they were. Peter was no fun to talk to, mostly because he was so stupid. Sirius? Pah, he was always too busy flirting with the girls to pay much attention to what I was actually doing. I could see that he was secretly in love with James, that's why he was so upset when he was killed. No one knew, especially not James. It would probably scar Harry for life if he knew ...I might very well tell the little bugger if he starts getting too big for his boots, just like his father. James was soooo in love with himself I wouldn't be surprised if he cloned himself magically so he could have sex with himself. Seriously, I wouldn't put it past him ...

Oh dear ...now you've gone and gotten yourself drunk, Remus Lupin. You're so drunk that you're talking to yourself ...which is actually what I've been doing this whole time anyway so who cares?

Who is it? Oh, you're back, Snivellus. What do you want you bitter old dung beetle? Yes I have had a little to drink but I ...I hardly see how that is any of your concern, grease features. Of course, here's the goblet ...and I must offer my compliments to your cat. Yes, Snivellus, your cat ...well if you'd ever had to drink that stuff you'd know what I'm on about. Now bugger off ...I'll be transforming soon ...yeah, you better run bitch.

Now, let's see what I've dictated so far ...uh huh, yep, everything I said ...every embarrassing little detail ...oh well, sod it ......ahhhhhh! Gaaahhh hak hak hak! Ungh, naaaa! Aaaah that hurts! Oooooohhhh bugger!

Hmm, I wonder what that armchair tastes like?


Author notes: Now, I wrote this on a whim one night when I was bored, only took me a few minutes. Does it show? Anyway, more Magic Dictation Quill fics are on the way! (Whether you like it or not)