Right Up Yer Kilt!

Written by magic dictation quill:

I am dictating this secret confession in the hope that someone will find it and discover the truth about a close friend of mine. My name is Hermione Granger, Head Girl at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The friend I speak of is none other than Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived and so on and so forth. If the reader of this confession is a wizard, you shall of course know him as the hero who defeated Lord Voldemort. If by chance a Muggle should find this, put it down now because you're not supposed to know about the wizarding world ....are you a wizard? Sure? Very well then.

Very few people know the truth about how Harry was able to defeat Voldemort during their final duel. I suppose the best place to start is the beginning, seeing as the end will be strange and disturbing enough even with the explanation of how it came to be. The problem started during our third year in Hogwarts. Harry was unable to visit the village of Hogsmeade with Ron and myself ...actually, while I'm on the subject I want to clear up any misconceptions anyone might have of Ron and I being an item. I mean honestly, he has the manners of a castrated ostrich ...which come to think of it, isn't really fair on the ostrich...oh, where was I? Oh yes, third year.

Well, Harry snuck out of Hogwarts under his Invisibility Cloak and met up with us. At some point we lost him and didn't find him again until we got back to the common room. I was studying by the fire when Ron came staggering down from the dormitories, white with shock. He told me that he had walked into their dormitory to find Harry in ...I still can't believe it ...a kilt! Yes that's right, a kilt!

Harry informed us that he'd met a man in Hogsmeade. The man told Harry that he was a direct descendant of the McPotter clan. He had wowed Harry with some cock and bull story concerning the wonderful history of the so-called 'McPotters'. Harry was won over by it, seeing as he's never really had a sense of family in his life. The man then sold him several kilts and walked away, Harry's money in his pocket. Harry was now convinced that he was Scottish, no matter how hard we tried to convince him otherwise. Not even the shocked stares of every student in the Great Hall embarrassed Harry in the slightest. However, the first bad penny dropped when Draco started making fun of him. Ron jumped to his defence by saying,

"Up yours Malfoy!" At this point, Harry turned to face Draco and added in a very unconvincing Scottish accent,

"Yeah, right up yer kilt!"

Ever since, Harry has never been seen without his kilt. It goes without saying that he was seen without underpants though. Every Quidditch match the people in the stands would have to stare down at their feet whenever Harry flew over them. I think I once caught Neville looking but that's another story. Every day Harry's behaviour grew more and more strange ...

Ron, what do you want now? Yes, I am busy ...I'm dictating a secret confession if you must know. What do you mean what about? Harry's kilt obsession of course! Yes I know Harry would be angry if he found out, that's why it's a secret. No I cannot help you with your homework, you should be doing it yourself. Ron, if you ever call me that stupid name again I'll ...oh I've had it with you. Get out! YES NOW!

Now what was I talking about? In just a few weeks, Harry had developed a very heavy accent. I went to see if Professor McGonagall could talk some sense into him, but she only encouraged him. She went all teary eyed when she first saw him walk into her class in his kilt. She probably felt like adopting him on the spot. When I asked them both if the pattern on Harry's kilt was even that of an authentic clan, Harry just looked at me and said ...I can't do the accent very well but it went something like this:

"If yeh canna recognise the pattern of the noble McPotter clan then mind yer own business yeh bath taking buttercup!" Professor McGonagall was so choked up with pride she had to leave the room to gather herself. From that point on there was no persuading Harry out of his kilt ...no wait, I didn't mean to say it like that ...can I erase that part? Oh ... DAMN IT!

Anyway, during Rita Skeeter's ruthless gossip spreading in our fourth year, Harry got a lot of nasty comments from the other students. Surprisingly, Rita never said anything about Harry's kilt; I guess even she was freaked out by it. Harry became easily annoyed by all the taunts, so he started flashing anyone who mocked him. At first it was just retaliation but after he while he started flashing innocent people as well. Some girls would intentionally pester him so that he would get angry and ...well what he did then has been established. Occasionally he enjoyed all the extra attention, but he definitely crossed a line when he started asking girls "Would yeh like to toss me caber?" That was a little lacking in subtlety. Fifth year was even worse -who the hell left this here? That's disgusting! - Ahem, not even Sirius could convince Harry that he didn't have a Scottish heritage. Harry became very hot tempered and started calling everyone 'pants wearing woopsies'.

Now I come to Harry's defeat of Voldemort. It is true that Harry killed the Dark Lord in a duel, but what isn't known is how he did it. They duelled fiercely, at one point it looked as if Voldemort would win. At the last moment, Harry let out a cry of 'Give us back our ...freedom!' As he did, he lifted his kilt dramatically. Voldemort dropped his wand and covered his eyes with both of his hands, as did several Death Eaters. Harry then took advantage of the distraction and fired the final curse. A little unbelievable I know, but it's true.

So now you know the truth. Dumbledore saw fit to forbid anyone to reveal how Voldemort was really defeated. He saw it as embarrassing. However, I have decided to dictate this message and then hide it so that someday, hopefully someone will read it. Since defeating Voldemort, Harry has been lording it over all of us, flashing whenever he feels like it. So now I must end this confession, for I am weary...

Oh Harry ...hello, no I wasn't doing anything ...no you can't see that parchment ...it's homework! Now Harry, there's no need to get upset ...Harry, think before you ...honestly Harry, put that away for goodness' sake.