Making No Sense Whatsoever

Professor McGonagall sighed as she watched a disgruntled Dumbledore stagger through the large door into the Entrance Hall.

"Well, I hope you realise what a spectacle you've just made of yourself, Albus."

"Oh please, Minerva. That was not a spectacle ...it was a scene at best."

"Chasing Gandalf out of the castle with a cactus then mooning him as he left definitely counts as a spectacle," stated Minerva. Dumbledore gave her a two-fingered gesture of dismissal while he got his breath back.

"God riddance to bad rubbish I say, that guy was stirring up trouble." He took out a handkerchief and mopped his wrinkled brow. "He was putting ideas into the student's heads ...rebellion against me ...that's what it boils down to ...anyway, what we need is a teacher that is a complete imbecile. Someone who we can control easily."

"But you can't take the job, your duties as headmaster take precedence." Dumbledore threw her a dangerous look.

"If you're not going to help then go lick your own arse for a few hours. I've got an owl to send."

~|~

Dumbledore's announcement at breakfast the next morning had frustrated Hermione to no end. She had finally found a teacher that could really teach her about defeating the forces of evil and he gets chased out of the school at cactus point. Now they had some new teacher that had no experience with magic at all coming in. She had double Ancient Runes before their first lesson with the new 'teacher', if he could be so called. Unfortunately for Harry, he had double potions so he wasn't in a very good mood when he arrived at the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom.

"One of these days I'm going to cram a cauldron so far up Snape's ass he'll be coughing up leftover potion for weeks!" was the greeting he gave Hermione.

"Your hair is so bushy, may I check for Pink Spotted Finklebugs?" was Ron's airy greeting. Since Madam Pomfrey upped the dosage of Ron's 'special medicine', he had been hanging around Luna Lovegood a great deal more. Whereas before he couldn't stand being around her for more than five minutes, now he hung on her every word. She was the only one who believed him about the existence of the Review Button.

To Hermione's relief, the classroom had not been changed drastically to fit the persona of some bizarre new teacher. However, this did not mean that the teacher was not bizarre; he just hadn't changed the room. They were waiting for several minutes before the teacher finally showed up. To put it bluntly, he was fat, bald (apart from two hairs on top of his head and one going around the back) and he was bright yellow. His wizarding robes looked as if they had been poorly made from a set of curtains. He was panting heavily as he closed the door behind him and made his way to the front of the room.

"Stupid fake Saturday ...nearly get me fired," he was muttering under his breath. When he finally reached the front of the class, he took out some chalk and wrote on the blackboard. "My name is ...Professor ...Simpson," he said slowly as he wrote it out. He had drastically misspelled 'Professor' so it read something like 'Perfesser'. Putting the chalk down, he then proceeded to stare blankly at the class. "So ...um ...uh." This string of monosyllabic noises went on for at least two more minutes. Hermione raised her hand.

"Professor, do you actually know anything about Defence Against the Dark Arts?" she asked boldly.

"Um ...yes," lied Professor Simpson bluntly. Unable to take Hermione's sceptical look, he cracked like an egg and whined, "No. I can't help it, whenever I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Oh, Bart's right, I suck."

"Well, you could start by going over chapter three with us," said Hermione, indicating the textbooks they all had. Her initial dislike of Professor Simpson ebbed away when she realised he was just a hopeless moron. After being around Ron for so long, she had learned to be slightly more sympathetic. Professor Simpson opened the book and began essentially copying the chapter onto the blackboard, hoping that the class wouldn't notice. He had gotten through one paragraph when he got bored and started writing 'Screw Flanders' over and over again. Looking back over what the new 'teacher' had been writing, Hermione raised her hand again.

"Um, Professor ...I'm afraid you've copied it incorrectly. This spell is useful for repelling enemies, not enemas." Professor Simpson quickly glanced at the blackboard then let out a loud 'Doh'. Attempting to save face, he smiled and folded his arms.

"Very good little girl. So ...how about you explain just what this spell is all about?" Hermione made to start one of her amazingly detailed explanations when Draco butted in.

"Well I'll tell you one thing, it doesn't make your hair grow back!" There were several loud guffaws from the Slytherins. Professor Simpson, however, was not laughing.

"Why you little!" he launched himself at Draco and wrapped his hands around his throat. Harry jumped up and wrestled him away from Draco's neck.

"Professor Simpson! That just won't do! There's a simple spell you can use for that kind of thing. It's easy plus it doesn't leave any incriminating fingerprints." Taking out his wand, he pointed at Draco. "Constrictus Chokus!" Once again, Draco was struggling for breath.

"Thank you Mr. Potter. I shall have to remember that one next time the boy starts driving me nuts."

"The constant tap of a Bumunum's beak on the window is enough to drive anyone nuts," stated Ron for absolutely no reason at all. Draco made desperate gestures towards his own throat. Harry twiddled his thumbs for a few moments then pretended to notice Draco's frantic, stifled plea.

"Oh I'm sorry Draco, I never learned the counter curse. Shame." Hermione performed the counter curse just to get on Harry's nerves. Professor Simpson attempted to return to the lesson but when he saw how complicated the chapter was, he simply threw the book over his shoulder.

"Screw that, I'm going to Moe's." With that, he left the classroom. Not really paying attention to Hermione's frustrated rants about their upcoming exams, Ron began searching the floor for Bumunum droppings. What he found was very different.

"Ah yes, I know you. You're the Review Button. Oh, I see you've brought some information about the next chapter. That's nice."