Making No Sense Whatsoever

During the Sorting ceremony, Harry scanned the staff table. The line up of teachers hadn't much changed since last year, but of course Professor Umbridge wasn't there. There was an empty seat next to Snape; it was probably where the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher would be sitting. Harry couldn't see anyone he didn't recognise; the new teacher must be late.

Professor Dumbledore made the usual start of term announcements, Dark Forest out of bounds, no magic in the corridors blah blah blah. Finally the feast started and Harry was able to dig in.

"That's strange, I wonder who our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is this year?" asked Hermione.

"Dunno, don't care, eating," mumbled Ron bluntly.

"Pig," stated Hermione simply.

"I expect whoever it is will probably make some kind of dramatic entrance, you know like Moody did two years ..." Harry stooped mid sentence. He could hear someone running in the corridor outside. There was something else he could hear, something very ...familiar. "Do you hear that?" Hermione listened for a moment.

"What is that?" Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall flew open. There was a high pitched cry of 'Blobby!' Harry couldn't believe his eyes, standing in the entrance in an oversized wizarding robe, was Mr. Blobby.

Realising he was late, Mr. Blobby ran forward, tripped onto the Gryffindor table and began sliding along it, sending food flying into the student's faces.

"BLOBBY!" he screamed. When he finally reached the end he flew right into the staff table, or more specifically right into Professor Dumbledore.

"What the bloody hell was that? Some kind of pink, yellow spotted troll?" spluttered Ron through the layer of mashed potato on his face.

"Don't you know?" chuckled Harry as he wiped the gravy from his glasses. "That's Mr. Blobby." Up at the staff table, Mr. Blobby was offering Dumbledore a chicken wing in a 'please don't fire me' kind of way. Professor Dumbledore rose and spoke through gritted teeth.

"It gives me ...great pleasure ...to introduce you all to the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Blobby, who was ...kind enough to step in on such short notice." There was some applause from the Muggle-borns who found Mr. Blobby funny. Hermione was not one of them.

"Well, I think that was a dramatic enough entrance," she said while she removed the spaghetti from her hair. Those from wizarding families expected this to be the end of Mr. Blobby's 'comical' entrance. The Muggle-borns knew better. Firstly, when 'Professor' Blobby tried to take his seat next to Snape, it collapsed under his weight. There were some general laughs from the students with a few hearty laughs from the Slytherin table.

Once Professor Flitwick had repaired the chair, 'Professor' Blobby sat down at long last. Everything was going fine until dessert came along and Professor Snape asked Blobby to pass him a banana cream pie. A stupid mistake on Snape's part as Blobby couldn't resist the urge to put it straight into Snape's face. The hall roared with laughter while the staff put their heads in their hands and hoped for Voldemort to attack soon. He'd either kill them or Mr. Blobby, either was fine.

The next day, Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting waiting for the first Defence Against the Dark Arts class of the year to start. The arrival of the new teacher had been met with mixed feelings. Some found him funny, some weren't sure what to make of him and many wanted to use every known hex and curse on him. Harry couldn't have been happier with the new teacher.

"I think he's hilarious. I used to love him when I was little."

"Harry, what possible reason could you have to find him funny in any way, shape or form?"

"I dunno, I guess his stupid behaviour reminds me of Dudley and what an idiot he is. He's always made me laugh." There was a loud crash as Professor Blobby fell through the door and crashed to the ground.

"Blobby!" he cried on his descent. Picking himself up and removing the shards of door from his robes he greeted the class, "Blob blob!"

"What does that mean?" whispered Ron to Hermione.

"How should I know? I don't speak moron, that's your area of expertise."

"Are you coming on to me?"

"Yes Ron," she sighed sarcastically, "I want you for your total and utter stupidity."

Professor Blobby was keen to start his first lesson. He had had many jobs since he left that Noel guy's house. Perhaps this time he would make it long enough to have a second day on the job. He began writing the incantation he was going to attempt to teach them on the board but the chalk kept breaking in his clumsy hands.

"Oh, blobby!" he said in frustration as he threw chalk after chalk over his shoulder. Surprisingly every piece hit Neville in various areas of his face. Professor Blobby finally decided it was quicker to show the students the spell. Taking his wand in both hands he began waving it around in front of him. "Blibby blibby BLOBBY!" As he spoke the incantation, green gunge poured out of his wand, spraying the whole class. Amid their surprised screams was the sound of Blobby's high pitched laughter. Harry, Ron and Hermione ducked under a desk. Not that it did them any good; they had already been thoroughly gunged.

"This is ridiculous! Why would Mr. Blobby be our new teacher? It makes no sense whatsoever!" screamed Hermione.

"Yeah, now you mention it, something does seem wrong. It's as if some great unseen power is controlling everything that happens to us and has decided to make Mr. Blobby our new teacher purely for a cheap laugh," observed Harry. In the midst of all the chaos, Ron noticed something just below them.

"Hey, where'd that Review button come from?"