I Don't Want to Tap-Dance!

To put it very simply, Ron was flying. Now I hear you say 'Yeah, so what? The students at Hogwarts fly on broomsticks. Stop wasting our time.' Ah, but what if I said that Ron was flying without the aid of a broomstick? That would shut you up, now wouldn't it? It just so happens that Ron was flying without a broom or any kind of spell. No, he wasn't on drugs either. Not even his eldest brother Bill was old enough to remember the sixties, though his parents certainly did.

Anyway, for one reason or another, Ron was soaring over Hogwarts, arms spread out like wings, and enjoying himself immensely. Diving down to skim the surface of the lake, he noticed Crookshanks and Hedwig sitting in a beautiful pea green boat. They seemed to be arguing over some honey and lots of money wrapped in what Harry had once called a 'five pound note'. Ron was almost reminded of a very nice poem, and was on the verge of naming it when he remembered that poetry bored him. He soared upwards, narrowly avoiding Buckbeak, who happened to have Professor Lupin on his back. The good professor was wearing an early Victorian blue dress and carrying a parasol.

"Giddy up Beaky, or we'll be late for tea and crumpets with the Earl of Doncaster," he gushed. Ron was so shocked by this sight that he failed to notice the floating clock until it smacked him in the face. He soon saw that the sky had become full of them. He also saw that he was late for Potions. Never a good thing.

Suddenly Ron was no longer flying; in fact what he was doing now was the complete opposite of flying. He was plummeting towards the ground at an alarmingly fast rate. Just as he had made his peace with the world and prepared to meet his fate, the ground below him opened up and he found himself landing rather roughly in Snape's classroom.

"Mr. Weasley ..." drawled Snape's unmistakable voice. Ron looked up from the dungeon floor to see that Snape's nose had grown an extra seven feet since he last saw him and his hair was so greasy that it pooled on the floor around him, making it very difficult for Ron to get up. "If you've quite finished mucking about, we can begin the exam."

"Exam?" Ron exclaimed as he slipped and fell on his backside. "But I'm not ready for an exam!"

"I know, that's why I've set it," muttered Snape as he turned his head and sent several potion bottles flying with his humongous conk. Note that it says 'conk'. When Ron finally reached his seat, Snape piped up again, "Mr. Weasley, you might have spared us all this spectacle by remembering to get dressed this morning." To Ron's horror, he looked down to see that he was naked. Covering his shame (or pride, look at it how you will), he ran out of the dungeons to escape the catcalls he was getting from the girls and the dodgy looks that Zabini kept giving him.

Once he got to the Entrance Hall, he found Harry and Hermione exchanging giant Chocolate Frog cards. He ran past Draco, Crabbe and Goyle, who were performing a fertility dance and nearly collided with Harry.

"Harry! Hermione! I'm naked!"

"I can see that," said Hermione as she swatted at a flying copy of 'Hogwarts: A History' that was buzzing around her head.

"Well, I'm not supposed to be naked!" exclaimed Ron.

"Honestly Ron, must I be the voice of reason even when there is none?" she asked, removing an eel from her ear and passing it to Harry, who started stroking it soothingly and crooning.

"What do you mean?"

"You're dreaming, Ron. Not to worry though, I expect you'll wake up soon enough," explained Hermione. She reached into her robes and produced a maroon tuxedo. "Now put this on before you get taken advantage of."

"I hate maroon," Ron mumbled. "Why doesn't my mum listen when I tell her that I hate maroon?"

"I don't know, Ron. I'm not your mother," sighed Hermione.

"No, of course not," Ron grumbled.

"Now I'm your mother." Ron let out a yelp when he saw that Hermione had indeed turned into his mother. He rushed to get dressed while Mrs. Weasley berated him for going around naked. Suddenly there came a loud trumpeting noise. Looking up towards the stairs he saw an armoured knight astride a noble steed. However, once the knight lifted his visor, Ron saw that it was just Neville. Waving a sword in the air, Neville shouted,

"Cry God for Harry, England and St. George!"

"Did someone say my name?" asked Harry. Ignoring him, Neville charged forwards towards the door, running over Professor Flitwick on the way. Suffice it to say, Ron was about to ready to wake up. No such luck I'm afraid. All of a sudden, the whole hall went dark.

"Why's everything so dark?" he asked no one in particular.

"Well give me a minute and I'll have this spotlight working," said a gruff voice in the darkness. A moment later, Ron was nearly blinded by a bright light. Once his eyes adjusted, he realised that he was standing on a stage. His audience were all giant spiders. Now, if Ron paid attention to Professor Trelawney, he would have known that dreaming of spiders is considered to be lucky by many Eastern wizards. Not surprisingly, he never paid attention to his Divination teacher so he was more concerned with how he was going to get away from these bloody great monsters. He stood stock still, feeling all the thousands of eyes (do keep in mind that spiders have more eyes than humans do) staring at him, waiting for him to do something. Before he could come up with a plan of escape, Ron could hear someone hissing his name from the wings. It was another giant spider.

"Well hurry up then! You're supposed to be tap-dancing!" Ron looked down to see that he still had the maroon tuxedo and now some snazzy tap shoes on. The spider in the wings was obviously getting impatient. "Look here mate, you've got a contract with us for your tap-dancing act, so you're going to tap-dance or else!" Ron was about to ask what he meant by 'or else' ... when he woke up.

"Spiders! There's spiders! They want me to tap-dance ...I don't want to tap-dance!"

"You tell those spiders, Ron."

"Right ...yeah. Tell them. I'll tell them ...zzzzzzzzzzz."