Harry's True Love

After the historic and downright bizarre downfall of Lord Voldemort, life at Hogwarts went back to normal. For Harry, this meant a return to the routine of going up to his dormitory every night and hoping that his future self would be there to give him a jolly good seeing to. Hermione had urged him to turn in the Time-Turner after the battle with the Death Eaters, but Harry reminded her that she was in no position to give him orders. He still had that juicy piece of blackmail to dangle over her like a great big ...dangling thing. If Hermione ever breathed a word about the Time-Turner to the Ministry, all Harry would have to do would be to tell what he knew to the Ministry, the RSPCA and George Weasley to land Hermione right in it. Finally, Hermione had very publicly given up on trying to get Harry to stop dating himself.

One night, Harry was sitting on the edge of his bed, hoping that his future self would soon be putting in an appearance. He glanced into his schoolbag, admiring the array of naughty sex toys and condiments he had brought along to help him celebrate the downfall of Voldemort with his future self. Speaking of which, Harry hadn't been waiting long before his future self suddenly appeared at the foot of his bed. Harry jumped up and then jumped onto his future self, who received him somewhat reservedly. The present Harry thought nothing of it at first and led his future self to the bed. He picked up his school bag.

"I thought we might try a few new things tonight ...I brought these along ..."

"Harry, I already know what you've got in there. Remember?" muttered the future Harry

"Oh yes, of course ..." said Harry slyly. "You're right, why are we making small talk when we could be making big whoopee?" His hands went to undo his belt (either his own or his future self's, the end effect would be the same either way). The future Harry gently stopped him with his own hands.

"Harry ...we need to talk."

"I thought the beauty of our relationship was that we never need to talk? You know everything I know. No chitter chatter means more mind-blowing sex." The future Harry sat down on the edge of the bed, motioning for his counterpart to do likewise.

"Harry ...there's nothing I'd like more to do than rip your clothes off and shag you mercilessly until your screams of ecstasy are heard in Madrid ..."

"Screw Madrid, they'll be heard in Rio!" whispered the present Harry excitedly.

"But I can't ..." finished the future Harry. There was an uncomfortable pause. Finally the present Harry cleared his throat and spoke.

"Any particular reason why not?"

"Because what we're doing can never last. It was fun at first ...hell, it was more than fun ...but the time has come to stop and ..."

"Wait a minute," interrupted the present Harry. "Are you trying to say ...you're dumping me?"

"Don't call it 'dumping', Harry-bun ...think of it as moving on," said the future Harry soothingly.

"Don't you dare call me 'Harry-bun'!" He jumped up from the bed and turned to himself, anger and despair in his eyes. "That was our special name for ourselves. Don't you dare call me that while you're dumping me, you bastard!"

"You do realise you're calling yourself a bastard?" ventured the future Harry.

"I'M PERFECTLY BLOODY AWARE THAT I'M CALLING MYSELF A BASTARD, YOU BASTARD!" hollered Harry. He gripped his hair in anger and confusion. None of this made any sense. What could possibly happen in the near future that would make him want to break up with himself?

"I knew you'd take it like this," sighed the future Harry.

"OF COURSE YOU KNEW, YOU PIG! YOU KNEW BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FUTURE SELF AND YOU'LL HAVE ALREADY REACTED THE EXACT SAME WAY, YOU SLIMY GIT!"

"Which also means I know what you're thinking right now," said Harry perfectly calmly. "You're thinking what might happen in the future to make you feel this way, aren't you? Well, I'll tell you now, it's not something that happens in the future. You've been considering this for some time; you just don't want to admit it here and now. Part of what made our relationship so exciting was the fact that Hermione was trying her best to stop us. Now that she's given up, it's taken the thrill out, hasn't it?" Future Harry could see that present Harry was beginning to see sense. "Hasn't it?" repeated future Harry. Present Harry took a deep breath to finally calm himself.

"Yes ...it has," he admitted. "I enjoyed pissing Hermione off so much that I forgot why we first got together. I had hoped ...that perhaps we could try to make it work anyway ..."

"So had I, my love ...but you and I both know that it could never really be. We can never really grow old together, we can just continue to grow older than everyone else through frequent trips into the past."

"That's a point," said present Harry, laughing slightly. "I must be an extra few months older than I should be after all that time-travelling."

"Don't flatter ourselves, Harry. A couple of days older tops." Both boys smiled a scarily similar smile.

"So ...where do we go from here?" asked present Harry.

"Well, first you'll have to go back in time one hour to convince your past self that we should stop seeing each other, then I suggest we starting looking for a real boyfriend."

"Do you think we can find someone in Hogwarts?" asked present Harry.

"Oh, I think we can. The school can't consist entirely of breeders, now can it?"

"I suppose not," laughed present Harry. He glanced at his watch. "Buggering hell, it's nearly time for me to go back! What about the ..." He motioned towards his bag of sex toys.

"Don't worry, I'll put them back where we found them," promised future Harry.

"Probably just as well," said present Harry as he placed the Time-Turner round his neck and turned it once. "Professor Flitwick will probably be missing them by now."

~|~

"So Harry has stopped shagging himself now?" asked Ron slowly after Hermione had told him everything that Harry had told her about his split from himself. The account of what had happened was complicated enough even after Hermione had dumbed it down for Ron.

"That's the gist of it, yes," mumbled Hermione. She didn't seem all too pleased for someone whose interfering and meddling had eventually achieved it's desired effect. Harry had stopped dating himself through time travel but there was obviously something still bugging Hermione.

"So why do you look like you just got a T on your latest piece of homework?" asked Ron. Hermione nearly fell off her chair at the very mention of such an unspeakable horror.

"That's not funny, Ronald," she growled. "If you mean why am I in such a bad mood, then it's because Harry told me he has replaced sleeping with himself with something I find equally hard to stomach."

"What?" Hermione closed her eyes, counted to ten and then spoke.

"Naturism."

"Isn't that, like ...smelling flowers and hugging trees, that kind of thing?" asked Ron.

"No, it's not," said a familiar voice from the dormitory steps. Ron looked round to see who it was. Hermione had no need to look. She knew. Standing there, at the foot of the steps was Harry ...buck-naked. In his birthday suit. Starkers. Nude. In the all-together. What I'm trying to get across here is that Harry was not wearing any clothes, which is the very essence of nakedness.

"Naturism, Ron, is perhaps the most liberating way of living ever devised," explained Harry as he crossed the common room to sit on the sofa next to Ron, who went bright flaming red and began to shuffle about very uncomfortably. "Indeed, there is nothing worth doing that cannot be made a hundred times better by doing it in the nude."

"Harry, for goodness sake!" exclaimed Hermione. "Do you plan to go around like this all the time?"

"Of course not," said Harry. "I understand all too well that society at large is not ready to accept naturalism, but that's one of the many issues we talk about in the Naturism Society. We're planning to ..."

"Excuse me, 'Naturism Society'?" asked Hermione incredulously.

"Yes, Hermione, the Naturism Society. It's a group of people here at Hogwarts that meet once a week to get naked and basically just hang out." At the words 'hang' and 'out', Ron went as red as it is humanly possible to go. "I'm the group's treasurer," elaborated Harry.

"And just what do you think Professor McGonagall will say when she hears about this?" demanded Hermione.

"Hermione, she's our chairperson," stated Harry. Now that Ron had the mental image of Professor McGonagall naked stuck in his head as well as the actual image of Harry naked he had to excuse himself and run nervously from the room. Hermione left soon afterwards, unable to articulate her feelings of shock and outrage. Harry simply laid back and sunk into the sofa, basking every inch of his well-toned body in the warmth of the fireplace. He was on the verge of dropping off to sleep when there came the sound of someone materialising on the rug in front of him. It was Draco Malfoy. Before Harry could fully shake off his feeling of grogginess, Draco fell to his knees right in front of the sofa.

"Harry ...I've come from the ...oh Merlin, you look ravishingly scrumptious sitting there ...what I mean to say is, I've come from the future." Now that Harry was properly awake, he could see that Draco did indeed have a Time-Turner around his neck.

"The future? How far into the future?"

"Quite far ...Harry, I've come to stop something terrible happening ...you've got to promise me that you'll give me a second chance ..."

"A second chance? What are you going to do to screw up your first?" All of a sudden there came the sound of someone else materialising, this time just by the portrait entrance. It turned out to be Harry's future self (fully clothed). He dashed over to the sofa.

"Don't believe a word he says, Harry!" exclaimed the future Harry. "What he did to us ...or rather what he will do to us doesn't deserve our forgiveness!"

"Why won't you believe me when I say that I did what I did because I love you ...both of you!" cried Draco desperately.

"You say that, Draco, but you don't mean it, you rat!" shouted future Harry. Before the present Harry could ask them to properly explain what the hell they were talking about, someone else materialised into the room. Another future Harry came waddling up on crutches, his legs in plaster casts. This wasn't the first thing that present Harry noticed, however. This new future Harry had also had his hair dyed blue.

"Harry! I've come to prevent a terrible accident!" he gasped, somewhat out of breath.

"What the ..." All of a sudden, Neville appeared from the shadows. He also had a Time Turner round his neck.

"Harry, I know I'm not as good in the sack as Seamus ...or Colin for that matter, but you can't just make me your bitch for one glorious night and then toss me aside! I have feelings!" Present Harry looked around at the faces of his unexpected visitors. After taking a moment to make sense of it all, he finally spoke.

"Now wait a minute, let's start from the very beginning ..."

"A very good place to start," chorused the others in singsong voices.

The End

HA! THE HELL IT IS! IT NEVER ENDS! NEVER!