The Story of Aberforth's Goat

The Story of Aberforth's Goat

Penny led a relatively calm life. She was content just to sit in Aberforth's field, perhaps lying back to watch the movement of the clouds as they meandered across the sky ...

Oh no, Penny was not a goat. Penny was a girl. A naughty little girl, who liked to sneak into Aberforth's field. Aberforth's goats liked to watch Aberforth chase the little girl out of his field, their bearded faces grinning (if goats could grin) little monkeyish smirks.

Penny had stopped coming 'round when Lester arrived.

Now, Lester was a goat. A naughty little goat, who liked to sneak out of the goat-pen and run right into Aberforth's clothesline. Aberforth's other, better-behaved goats, liked to watch their master chase the naughty little goat back into the pen.

Lester did not like to be caught. He would run around the field for hours, unable to see because his horns had gotten tangled up in Aberforth's drawers and the red, scratchy fabric somehow ended up covering his head.

And Aberforth would chase after him for hours on end. It seemed to the other goats that either: Lester was too important to Aberforth that he couldn't bare to lose him, Aberforth had nothing better to do with his time, or Aberforth was just plain stupid.

They had rousing discussions on the subject, which usually ended in everyone bleated unanimously that the last choice was the most likely of the three.

* * *

This may have been true, or this may have not. Perhaps it was because of the first choice that Aberforth started The Lessons, or perhaps it was because of the third. Or even the second.

In any case, the other goats began to get suspicious when Lester would disappear from the pen for hours at a time. He was not in the field, so the goats did not know where he could be. He must have dropped off the planet then, because what other places were there in the world besides their pen and their field?

Ah, but Lester was a privileged goat. He was allowed the esteemed pleasure of being invited into Aberforth's home. Which, he thought, was really no different than the pen.

Lester really couldn't understand the point of The Lessons. They weren't really even lessons, to be exact. Aberforth would say some funny words and then ask him questions.

That was the first sign of madness, when Lester discovered he could understand what a human was saying. Because humans couldn't talk of course, everyone knew that, other than those deep, throaty croaks they seemed so fond of. So how could he understand something that didn't have speech?

The second sign of madness came when Lester discovered he could answer Aberforth. All those ridiculous questions (What day of the month was it? What time of day was it? What meal came next?) somehow had answers and he could tell them to Aberforth by moving around little wooden blocks with different markings on them.

Lester later learned that the markings were called "letters" and that when put together in different sequences, you could "read" them.

But then, Aberforth couldn't read, or so he maintained, so how could he know whether Lester got the answers right or not?

Perhaps he was telepathic.

That was just one of the many mysteries surrounding Aberforth.

* * *

Once, Aberforth had brought home another goat, only he didn't stay very long. And Aberforth behaved very strangely towards that goat, letting him sleep in the goat-pen he called a house rather than in the goat-pen they called ... a goat-pen.

One timid little kid raised the question of whether or not the goat was, in fact, a goat. He walked on twos, the kid said, and wore cloth.

He had a beard, the elders answered fervently. He had a beard. A big, long, white one, like their own.

Lester knew the truth, but he wasn't telling. Aberforth had entrusted him with the secret about the true identity of his brother - that he was a man, not a goat - and Lester was not about to betray Aberforth's confidence.

* * *

One morning, Lester escaped the goat-pen again. He didn't have to have a reason for doing it, of course. It was just easy and fun. And besides, he hadn't had a Lesson for several days, and was feeling something akin to boredom. (If goats could become bored, that is.)

And that morning, Lester chose to escape Aberforth's field as well, to escape to the Lands Beyond. He ran and ran and ran, Aberforth yelling behind him; he ran all the way to Penny's field.

He was having fun now!

Running, prancing, dancing, jumping, skipping, whirling, twirling, hippity-hopping, spinning, dashing ... !

And then, he'd found the prize - Penny's laundry, hung out to dry on the clothesline.

Well, of course Lester wasn't about to let a great opportunity like that pass by! He ran straight into one of Penny's faded pink dresses, making sure it got caught on his horns. And then, for good measure, Lester threw it off his head, laid it out on the grass, and nibbled a bit on the corner of the collar.

When Aberforth finally caught up to Lester, he was out of breath with anger. Or out of breath from not getting much excersise, aside from chasing Lester around the field every few days. It didn't really matter which.

And then Penny ran over to them as well, and she was even madder than Aberforth was.

I want my dress, she kept insisting. Give me my dress!

So of course, Lester had to take another nibble at the collar. And then a big bite out of the hem.

Penny shrieked.

Then Aberforth pulled out the stick-thing he'd used during their Lessons and said some things. And then Lester looked and saw that HE was wearing the pink dress with little purple flowers on it. HIM!

Lester tried to slip out of the dress, but it wouldn't come off!

Aberforth said more things to Penny, then he hooked a rope around Lester's neck and dragged him back to the goat-pen. Lester hung his head to the ground. It wasn't wearing a dress that ashamed him, it was wearing a human's clothes ... was he a human now? Would he have to learn to speak in that crude tongue?

Apparently, that thought was on some other goats' minds as well when they saw what Aberforth was bringing back. Is that a human, a kid would ask. No, an elder would reply. That's just Lester.

Lester, doomed to be different.

Lester hoped Aberforth would take the dress off him soon, but he didn't. Not ever. Sometimes, Lester would escape the pen and made a dash for the brook that ran across Aberforth's field.

Maybe the water would wash off the dress.

Maybe not.

But now when he escaped, Aberforth just said words while holding his stick-thing and then something changed about Lester. One time, floppy pink bows had appeared, tied so firmly around his ears that they would not come off.

Then, Aberforth moved Lester from the goat-pen that was called a goat-pen to the goat-pen that was called a house. He tied Lester to a fire poker, which was stupid, because the fire poker could be moved around, so Lester was free to roam.

But the poker was too big to get out the front door.

All day long, Aberfoth asked Lester the questions. What is my name? What is your name? What country do we live in?

And all day long, Lester would answer Aberforth's questions using the wooden blocks.

This was like Lessons, but then again, it wasn't. Because now, Aberforth never stopped.

All day long, that is.

At night, Aberforth would stop talking to Lester and start talking to himself. He would argue with himself too, right out loud.

One time, the strange goat-man came back. He looked very surprised to see Lester wearing a dress. He patted Lester on the head and asked how he was doing.

Oh, yes, this was a strange goat-man.

Perhaps he was like a centaur of sorts, Lester would muse late at night. Half-man, half-goat, able to understand both languages.

Like a Faun.

Several days and nights after the Faun left, more men came. And these were clearly men, nothing Faun-like about them. They took Aberforth away and brought Lester and all the other goats to a new goat-pen.

And they took the dress off Lester.

* * *

Lester and the new goats liked their new pen, but not the people that came with it.

They were funny people, two big ones and a whole lot of little ones. They all had hair that looked like it was on fire. The little ones were the worst, pulling curiously on the goats' beards and tails, never leaving them alone. One boy even tried to ride one of the goats once.

Unluckily for him, he'd chosen to ride grumpy old Edgar.

Edgar was not too pleased to find a little fire-head boy on his back. He ran around the dirt-yard in a frenzy while the naughty little boy whooped and hollered, yelling to his little brother, sister, and twin to come watch him ride.

Edgar made sure all the little fire-heads were watching before throwing the naughty boy off him ... he landed - SPLASH! - in the pond.

* * *

There were lots of other animals at the fire-heads' house. There were chickens and pigs and a rat and funny looking creatures with heads shaped like potatoes that were larger than their bodies.

The little fire-heads liked to play games with those animals: they'd swing them 'round and 'round in circle 'round their heads and then let them fly ......... over the fence and into the fields in the Land Beyond.

The goats wondered the same things they had about Aberforth's habit of chasing Lester through his field: Was there actually a purpose to this, or were they just being stupid?

And then that little fire-head, the one that had tried to ride Edgar, got the bright idea that maybe, just maybe, goats could fly too.

Of course, he and the other little fire-heads simply had to try.

Nothing was too outrageous an idea to them, those naughty little boys.

Soon enough, the kids were being lifted, bleating wildly, out of the pen. The little fire-heads struggled with them, carrying them over to the edge of the dirt-yard and tried to pick the kids up by their front legs.

The goats watched, partly in horror, partly in amusement, as the little fire-heads swung the kids like they did the potato-head creatures. (The Elders were a bit uncomfortable with the whole deal, to tell the truth, but they knew that a getting dizzy would not hurt the kids). And then three of the little fire-heads let go of the kids.

The kids flew fast and landed hard.

The woman fire-head ran out of the house yelling and screaming at the little fire-heads even louder than Aberforth had yelled at Lester.

Oh, and the fire-heads' house was NOT a goat-pen.

The little fire-heads did not come outside for a lot of days after that.

* * *

The Faun came back one day, He came right into the goat-pen, sat right down next to Edgar and the kids and the Elders. He told Lester that he would have to come answer some questions in a building he called "Ministry",

When the Faun took Lester to Ministry, all the goats were afraid he would not come back.

They'll put you in a pen, the Elders warned. Make sure to answer all the questions right.

The Faun took Lester into a place with no grass, no goats, too many people, and too many buildings. Some of the buildings moved on a big black floor. He called it "City".

The Faun did not even tie Lester to him; he would have let Lester run ahead if he had wanted to.

And Lester did. Oh, Lester did.

But he was afraid.

Lester and the Faun went into a little box where the floor moved downward. They went into a big long room, then into another moving box, then another room, and then another. Finally, they came to a third room and stopped.

Then the questions began.

Did Aberforth put a spell on you that taught you how to recognize letters?

Lester looked down - there was another set of wooden blocks just like the one Aberforth had made him use.

Y.E.S.

How often did he do this?

A.L.M.O.S.T. E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y.

Did he put a spell that made you wear a girl's dress?

Y.E.S.

Why?

D.O. N.O.T. K.N.O.W.

Did you do anything wrong?

R.A.N. I.N.T.O. - Lester had to stop and take apart those words in order to continue - P.E.N.N.Y.S. F.I.E.L.D.

Why did you do that?

W.A.S. B.O.R.E.D.

* * *

Lester didn't know what had happened that day when he went to Ministry. He didn't know that he had successfully convicted Aberforth of practicing innapropriate charms on a goat. He didn't know that his picture was put on the cover of the Daily Prophet, which was read throughout the United Kingdom.

* * *

Selma knew about the picture. Selma liked eating fish and carrots - though not together, never together - and she liked looking at magazines in strange languages that she could not read and she liked experimenting.

Oh no, Selma was not a goat. Selma was a woman. A very beautiful woman. She lived near the fire-heads with her husband and her daughter.

Selma liked to bring carrots to the fire-heads' goats, especially Lester.

* * *

And that was what Lester liked best : a warm place to sleep at night, carrots to munch on, and a nice, big field to run around in.

And, oh ... a nice, full clothesline.