The Curse of the Giggling Goblin

-Snape-

Severus shuffled moodily into the old Divination classroom, where Trelawney had decided to hold the lessons. He sat down on a squashy stool, noticing he was the first one there. He gritted his teeth as he realised that nearly every class the sixth-year Slytherins had that day was shared with the Gryffindors.

"Ah, Severus, I had foreseen that you would arrive early," Trelawney said in her misty voice. "Before the class arrives, I must warn you of something."

Snape raised an eyebrow, deciding to humour the nutty old bat. "Go on," he muttered, trying to determine why he had not gone to Arithmancy instead.

Trelawney placed a hand on her forehead, a vacant stare coming into her eyes. "A new rivalry will befall you this week, and those who worship you will turn their backs."

"Well, erm, alright then. Is that all?" Severus asked impatiently, not believing a word of it. Trelawney nodded, and the rest of the class slowly filed in.

"Everyone choose a partner, this time someone you have not been with before. Harry, would you please sit with Severus?"

Snape glared as Potter reluctantly sat down at his table. Trelawney informed them that they would be interpreting tea leaves, and a groan came from the corner where Ron sat, paired up with Lavender.

Severus noticed Harry was watching him warily. "What? Aren't you going to start gloating about the Weasleys teaching my class?" he snapped.

"No," Harry replied, raising an eyebrow at him. "Just wondering if you're going to read my tea leaves, you know, while we're young." He pushed the saucer of soggy leaves towards Snape, who did likewise.

Snape sneered at him, inspecting the saucer. "This is absolute rubbish, I don't know why I bothered to come here..."

"Just make something up, I don't expect a clump of soggy crud to have any meaning," Harry grumbled, not terribly thrilled about being in his least favourite class with his least favourite person. He looked down at Snape's tea leaves. "Hmm...this looks a bit like a sheep...maybe you'll get a really itchy wool sweater for your birthday."

Snape looked at Harry's saucer. "This looks like a boat...perhaps someone will put you on a ship and send you to Antarctica where you won't pester me with your insolence."

Harry laughed, then clutched his chest in mock amazement. "Someone come quick! Snape has a sense of humour!" he gasped sarcastically. Trelawney cleared her throat, frowning at them.

Severus gritted his teeth, wanting nothing more than to take several hundred points away from Gryffindor and wipe the smirk off Harry's face. He made a mental note to give Potter extra homework when he resumed teaching.

The class ended, and Trelawney gave him and Harry a rather pointed lecture about how she expected better from them, which prompted Severus to tell her exactly where she could stick her tea leaves. Snape stormed off towards the Potions classroom, trying to prepare himself for the Weasley twins butchering the lecture he had prepared and left on the desk.

He sat down at the front of the room, glaring at them. Fred and George grinned, and his lip curled in irritation. "Hullo, Professor Snape," George greeted cheerfully. "We read your lesson plan, it was a bit dull so we've spiced it up a bit. Hope you don't mind."

"I do mind," he growled, narrowing his eyes at them. The twins had received excellent marks in Potions, despite Snape's best efforts to fail them, and that only served to infuriate him more.

"Now now, mind your temper. We can take points away if necessary," Fred warned with a satisfied grin.

"Yes, and the other Slytherins might commit mutiny if their own head of house cost them points," George added as the rest of the class filed in. The class seemed to be avoiding Severus, arranging themselves at tables as far away from him as possible. He was unpleasantly reminded of his own school days, and sat with his arms crossed waiting for the twins to muck up his lesson plan.

Soon the only empty seat in the class was the one next to him. Severus wondered to himself how such a large group of students had made it into NEWT-level Potions, after his numerous attempts to scare them away. He was grateful that Neville Longbottom had chosen not to continue in Potions, although Potter and his fan club still remained, possibly just to infuriate him.

Much to his chagrin, Hermione Granger entered the class, unusually late. Ron Weasley followed shortly after, looking sheepish. Hermione took no notice of Severus as she sat down beside him, and his lip curled in annoyance. Granger was an exceptional student, but Snape had no patience for know-it-alls.

"Alright everyone, we'll be your teachers for the week," Fred began as the class went silent.

"Old Snapey has asked us to teach you about the properties of various fungi today," George explained as Severus shot him a murderous glare. "Can anyone name some examples?"

Hermione's hand shot up in the air at the exact same moment as Snape's. He gritted his teeth as Fred pointed to her. "Yes, Hermione?"

"The Fly Agaric, Death Cap, and Puffball are the most commonly used mushrooms in potion-making," she said matter-of-factly.

"Excellent, Hermione. Five points to Gryffindor," George replied, then noticed Snape's hand still in the air. "Snape? Have something you'd like to add?"

"Miss Granger neglected to mention the Stinkhorn and Russula, which are clearly indicated in the textbook."

George examined the open book in front of him. "Looks like you're right."

Snape looked smugly at Hermione, who sniffed indignantly. "Moving on, then...which potion is made from the Fly Agaric?" George inquired.

Both Granger and Snape's hands shot up again, and they glared at each other. Before Hermione opened her mouth, Snape blurted out "The Draught of Lucid Dreams."

"It also contains wormwood, which gives it a distinctively green tint," Hermione added, determined not to be outdone.

Severus clenched his fists. "Well, who invented it, then?" he snapped, quite sure that she would not remember.

"Adrastus Grayling, in 1815. He discovered its properties by accident when he drank some before going to bed, in an effort to relieve a bad cough." Hermione retorted with smug satisfaction.

"Yes, but did you know-"

Fred cleared his throat. "Thanks, that'll do. Honestly, Snapey, for someone who doesn't like know-it-alls, you sure go out of your way to be one yourself. Well...everyone get your cauldrons ready, and put on a pair of goggles, because we're going to deviate from the lesson plan and make some delightfully explosive concoctions today," he announced with a devious grin.

Severus sneered at Hermione, who ignored him and turned to consult with Ron and Harry. He made a mental note to take several dozen more points from Gryffindor, furious that he had temporarily lost the ability to intimidate the students. The indignity of it all was beginning to drive him mad, and as he moved on to Transfiguration, he thought: The next person who calls me 'Old Snapey' will be fed to the giant squid...