How Ron Weasley Broke The Internet

Hermione Granger-Weasley Apparated home from a very long day at her job in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, hoping for a quiet dinner with her husband and an early night. One look at Ron's pale, worried face, however, told her that her hopes were fated to be dashed.

"Um, Hermione?"

She sighed. "Yes, Ron?"

"You know that computer-spiderweb thingy you showed me?"

"The internet? What about it?"

"I--erm--sort of--broke it."

A tiny line formed between her brows. "You broke the internet."

"It's all Fred and George's fault," he rushed to explain. "I was showing it to them and I told them what you said about being able to find anything on the spiderweb."

"World wide--never mind. I can guess what happened next. Fred Accioed pornography, didn't he?"

"Actually it was George."

"It's always the quiet ones..." Hermione shook her head. "All right, so George crashed the computer by casting a spell without the proper Arithmantic formula. If I can't fix it, I'll make him buy us a new one. He's making enough money at the shop. He can afford it."

"No, George didn't smash the computer. The spell worked. The screen was full of you know--naked--people doing--stuff. But it wouldn't stop those pop-outs. I think George Accioed all the porn that exists."

Hermione just stared.

Ron looked a little green, but continued bravely with his explanation. "So I tried to Vanish it. The porn, not the computer. It worked a little bit, but the pop-outs didn't stop. So I thought to add a couple of those healing spells you use when the computer gets sick. I used the formula you have written down for emergencies and it worked, but then the computer didn't."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "So you crashed the computer, but that's all right. We can still get George to pay for half since he started the whole mess. If I can't fix it, that is."

Ron shook his head slowly. "I must've done something wrong when I cast the charm. Haven't you heard any of the news?"

"No Ron, I've been shut up in the Ministry all day."

"It's all over the telly. The whole spiderweb is down. All over the world."

"The whole--" Hermione closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "You'd better show me exactly what you did."

Wordlessly, he walked over to the computer and picked up a sheet of parchment filled with Hermione's neat script. "I just used this, but right here," he pointed to one phrase in the spell, "I put in cunctus pornographos."

She frowned, thinking through the spell. Suddenly, the colour drained from her face as she realized what he had done. "Ron, you Vanished all the pornography, everywhere, from every time."

"But why would that break the whole spiderweb?"

"Because," she rolled her eyes, "nearly every advance in internet technology has come about because people wanted more efficient ways to access pornography. Cunctus means all, collectively. You Vanished everything that came out of internet porn as well."

"Yeah, I broke the internet. That's what I said. Can you fix it?"

"I can try. I'll need some help, though. Could you please Floo Luna, Penelope, and Kevin and explain the situation to them?" Hermione got out a quill and a fresh sheet of parchment and began writing out long strings of runes and numbers. Ron went to the fireplace, ducking the Arithmancy book that Hermione Summoned.

Hours later, Ron stayed busy conjuring food and drinks for the houseful of ex-Ravenclaws and Luna's fellow Unspeakables from the Department of Mysteries. They'd fallen to debating minutiae and had strayed far from the original subject. Currently, Kevin Entwistle was holding forth on some obscure connection between Gryffindor's sword, the sixth Key of the Tarot, and the 7000 year life cycle of the Lytany Leviathan.

Ron sighed. This was his punishment, he knew, for allowing his twin brothers access to such a powerful mischief-making tool. Still, the rest of the world was without the spiderweb and that was a very bad thing, according to Hermione. Muggles depended on it for almost every aspect of their lives. Even Muggles that didn't own computers were affected. No one could do any banking, billing, or shipping. Hospitals and airports and Muggle law enforcement were barely able to function. Someone needed to get all these brains back on track.

He walked over to where Hermione sat in front of the computer and began kneading her shoulders.

"Mmm. Thank you, Ron. That feels good." She began to relax a bit.

He leaned forward and murmured in her ear. "Is this going to take much longer? Because before I broke the internet, I saw a few interesting things on the computer that I'd like to share with you."

She took half a beat to process that, then interrupted Entwistle mid-word. This was bossy Hermione at her finest and Ron stood back to watch as she doled out pieces of the problem like handing out homework assignments. Within forty-five minutes they had a solution, and half an hour after that there were no witnesses to the interesting things Ron shared with his wife.