No Longer Who I was

Currently, there was an unsettling feeling in Remus’ stomach. He felt odd and queasy; that came when he had awoken in the Express compartment and was subsiding considerably, now that he was on one of the carriages pulled by the thestral.

Remus wasn’t sure if he should feel offended by the fact that none of the students wanted to get into the carriage with him. He couldn’t blame them. He wouldn’t have wanted to sit with a strange looking man, either. At least, he could enjoy the view of the grounds, without uncomfortable stares and silence.

For a man who hadn’t smiled in months, Remus was finding it easy now. Memories were arising in his head with every new view from his carriage. The gates that opened to the castle; himself, Sirius, Peter, and James had wandered around and outside of them thousands of times. The lake, with the squid. James used to threaten to levitate Peter above the squid and drop him on it’s head... The grounds as a whole looked the same in the late summer sky. Large and well kept and freshly gardened. It was a great feeling, being back in his old school. And Remus reminded himself that it wasn’t like when he was a student. That slighted his good mood a little.

As he stepped out of his carriage, Remus noticed James and Lily’s son again. He was with another boy, with sleek white blond hair, and it appeared they were talking but as Remus walked up towards the steps, to go into the castle, he saw it wasn’t a friendly kind of talk.

He intervened in their school boy squabble, remembering what good it would have done back in his days. A lot of fights wouldn’t have taken place had a teacher been around.

Proceeding up the stairs and opening the Castles’ door, he nonchalantly looked back over his shoulder. So, that was Lucius’ Malfoy’s son, Remus concluded, glancing at Draco Malfoy who was giving Harry dirty looks.

Upon entering the entrance hall, Remus was unexpectedly greeted by Professor McGonagall.

“Lupin, you’ve arrived!” she said stating the obvious. She put her hands on her hips and gave him her characteristic stern look.

“Yes, Professor I have,” Remus said nodding his head.

“Well, I hope you had a good trip, despite the circumstances with Potter and the Dementors,” McGonagall said. “Thank you for sending ahead that owl, I was just going to go find Potter and bring him to Poppy. Make sure he’s all right.”

“Indeed, he looks fine to me now. Just a bit shaken up,” Remus concluded. McGonagall was staring at him through her lenses, in that way which always made him feel as if being scolded. “Well, I shall be getting to the feast I suppose.”

“Yes, yes of course. I’ll see you there, in a while.” And she moved to go down the steps that led to the entrance hall then doubled back. “One more thing. You no longer have to call me Professor.”

Remus nodded again, feeling foolish. The excited chatter of students was becoming louder and louder, so Remus hurried into the Great Hall before they did.

The house tables were where they always were and immaculately clean. And Remus knew that other things were the same and others were different, only he didn’t notice them. His weary eyes were taking in the staff table: every member of which was watching him as he made his way towards it.

It was uncomfortable to say the least. Especially knowing, courtesy of Dumbledore, that there were objections from some of the teachers about his being hired. Remus with quiet hesitation kept his gaze on the Headmaster and before he was ten feet in front of him, Dumbledore spoke.

“Ah Remus!” Dumbledore exclaimed rising from his chair. “How nice it is to see you again! Do come and sit down, the students are about to come in, I see.”

Dumbledore indicated an empty chair that was situated between his former History of Magic professor, Binns, and the Charms professor, Flitwick. And no sooner had he sat down, did the returning students enter and slowly file to their tables.

Binns, gave a curt nod acknowledging Remus and abruptly turned his head to speak with a teacher, next to him that Remus didn’t recognize.

“Remus Lupin. I believe I haven’t seen you in over twenty years,” squeaked Flitwick, from Remus’ right, with a pleased look on his face.

“Twenty-two years,” Remus stated smiling for the first time since entering Hogwarts. “To be exact, that is.”

“And if I remember correctly, you were always exact. One of my best charms students. You and those friends of yours, James and Lily, Peter and Sirius...” He stopped himself. “Oh, do forgive me, my mouth got away from me...”

There was a silence. Flitwick looked embarrassed.

Remus understood what Flitwick had been getting at, but he wasn’t really, say, offended, as his now colleague probably thought he was.

“Quite alright,” Remus replied mildly, but still smiling just the same.

“Do excuse me, Minerva had other business so I have to conduct the sorting.” And with that, Flitwick hopped down from the chair and disappeared through a door only to return with the stool and sorting hat, he then pulled out the parchment with the students names on it, from his robe. He waited only a second before the first years arrived escorted by Professor Sinistra.

And so it began... “Ackron, Judith!”

“Hufflepuff!” the hat shouted.

It was exciting for the first years of course, but Remus was sure the novelty had ran out for the staff since before they started teaching. As for himself, he only really payed attention if someone he knew was being sorted, and he wasn’t familiar with any of these students. It had always been like that for him. During his school years, even when he had known a first year, it was always hard to pay attention with Sirius and James cracking jokes.

“Look at that girl!” James had said once, in their fourth year. “She’s almost as fat as Peter, here.”

Peter had laughed, but Remus could tell that he was embarrassed. His tomato red blushing cheeks gave him away just a little. Sirius, meanwhile, was snickering.

“Ha ha, yeah. Only, we can hope she takes a leaf out of that fifth years’ book and makes a potion to lose all of her fat. Poor porky... Oh no...” Sirius made a disgusted face. ‘Porky’ had been sorted to Gryffindor. “Know what that means, James?”

“Sure do, mate,” James responded. In a voice of mock revulsion he said, “We’ll have to slick her arse up with Sleekeasy Hair potion to get her through the portrait hole.”

Both of them lost all composure from laughing and had earned the stares and uneasy glances from fellow students.

“Actually man,” Sirius started, beginning to get teary-eyed, “I was gonna suggest that beast as a new girlfriend prospect for you.” James made to hit Sirius in the stomach but Sirius blocked him and said, “What?! Your idea was better, anyway!”

“This, is true.”

“Zeaton, Aiden!”

Remus was snapped back to reality. The sorting was nearly complete and his memory was quickly stored back into his mind.

When the last burst of applause ended for the final student, Remus noticed Harry and another girl enter the Great Hall with Professor McGonagall.

Harry did look so much like James did. Remus wondered if Harry knew just how similar he was to his father. Uncanny, really. Remus just hoped that he wouldn’t slip up in class and refer to Harry as James.

Dumbledore began to speak, catching the attention of everyone in the room. Remus thought that Dumbledore’s speech on the dementors was quite informative, he hadn’t been sure why the Headmaster would want dementors near the castle, in the first place. But then he found out the Ministry of Magic had ordered them there.

‘Probably to protect against Sirius Black. That figures though,’ Remus thought. ‘They always meddle where they don’t belong.’

As far as Remus was concerned he didn’t think that even Sirius, knowing what he did thirteen years ago, would dare come to Hogwarts. Unless he was completely off his rocker. Clear as day, Remus recalled what Sirius always used to say, “Any wizard who tries to screw with Dumbledore deserves to die a fool’s death...”

That was Sirius, he’d always been so wise.

“First, Professor Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.” Dumbledore said, catching Remus’ attention.

There wasn’t much applause, not surprisingly to Remus. He didn’t exactly look like one of Britain’s ‘Miss Witch’ beauty contest winners. Students probably thought him to be some disoriented homeless man, in the place of the real professor Lupin. But he still managed a small vague smile.

The feast as a whole was wonderful. Remus greedily ate from all of the plates surrounding him. He couldn’t help flushing when he caught Binns staring at him whilst he ate. The potatoes and ham and other mounds of vegetables and meats brought out the savage in him.

Feeling as full as he did in years, Remus was glad when Dumbledore dismissed the students to bed. When the last student exited, Dumbledore stood up as to speak to the staff.

“A lovely feast wasn’t it?” He asked smiling and looking around. The staff all nodded and muttered replies of ‘yes’ and ‘very lovely indeed.’ “One last notice before we all retire for the night. Our first staff meeting will be held tomorrow at eight o’clock in the staff room. I expect to see you all there. Goodnight.”

There was a quiet chatter as the staff got up and began slowly making their ways out of the hall.

“Remus!” Dumbledore’s voice called.

“Yes, Headmaster?” Remus asked moving back towards the white haired man.

“Did Minerva tell you where you’ll be staying, yet?” he asked smiling thoughtfully.

“No, I don’t believe she did.”

“Good!” Dumbledore said enthusiastically clapping his hands together. “Severus! Come here!”

Snape, who had been talking with Sinistra, reluctantly made his way towards them. There was a look of pure hatred on his face; a look that wanted Remus screaming and convulsing in pain and agony on the floor beneath them.

“Remus hasn’t been to his rooms yet and I thought that since yours are just around the corner, you could show him the way.”

Snape’s eyes closed and he was mumbling inaudible things under his breath. No doubt he was cursing Dumbledore for being a meddling old man. Most likely he was also trying to think of an excuse to not have to show Remus anything. His black eyes flicked open seconds later but Snape said nothing.

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Dumbledore said cheerfully not waiting for an answer. “It’ll be good for two old classmates to become reacquainted don’t you think? Hagrid!” Dumbledore spotted the half giant. “Just the one I wanted to see!” And he shuffled away leaving the two men alone.

Snape strode forward, not acknowledging Remus, until he realized Remus wasn’t following. “Well,” Snape snapped, suddenly wheeling around. “Are you coming or have you decided to spend your night in the forest with the rest of your kind, werewolf?”

“No, I was thinking of trying something new. Sleeping in a bed, you know?” Remus said sarcastically, then added, “As opposed to a coffin like you do, vampire.”

Remus, saw Snape’s pale face twitch. With anger perhaps? It was no secret to Remus, Snape, always loathed him, and didn’t go to any lengths to be cordial.

“What did you say to me?” Snape asked, advancing closer. His voice was maliciously low.

“It’s getting late, is it not? I believe,” Dumbledore interrupted, walking back over to them. “I asked you to show Remus his room, Severus.”

The remaining staff, McGonagall, Hagrid, Hooch and Binns, were all pretending not to watch, but they had made a point to end their conversations as to listen to the three detached men.

“Just having a little chat, Headmaster.” Snape said, looking at the floor. Remus suppressed a small smile, he thought it quite amusing that Snape would ever use the word *chat*.

Dumbledore was looking grave. “Goodnight then. Remus. Severus.” He nodded to both of them and Snape took it as his cue to leave, with Remus following close behind.

Snape led Remus back down to the entrance hall ,where they crossed it to go down a set of barely visible steps. The steps winded and as soon as they reached the bottom, a cold sickening smell of decay hit Remus’ nose. The stench made him cough as an effect. Snape, obviously used to it, kept advancing down the poorly lit hallway. Remus assumed this was some back way to the main dungeons.

Snape stopped outside a dingy, scratched door, which Remus hoped wasn’t his room.

“This is your room,”Snape confirmed gesturing with his hand to the door. “Nothing but the best for *you* I see,” he said, clearly sarcastic. “It’s open. I’d advise you to ward the room. Students have a habit of wandering into unknown corridors and rooms. Sleep tight werewolf.” Snape added the last remark viciously.

“And you also,” Remus responded bowing slightly. “I can only hope my bed is as comfortable as your coffin.”

Snape was seeming livid and Remus hurried inside his door and bolted it shut with a quick wave of his wand. When he turned around to inspect the room, he was pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t what he expected from the outside appearance of the hallway and door.

A fire was slowly fading, casting a warming glow around the room. Torches aligned the wall, and Remus noticed his briefcase had been placed on a small table that was surrounded by three big cushiony arm chairs. He walked over and ran his fingers along the tops of the chairs, feeling the velvet material slide under his touch. Remus spotted a closed door and opened it up to discover his sleeping quarters. A large wrought iron bed sat in the far corner and there was an enchanted window next to it, which took on an exotic view of nighttime in some place where it was heavily snowing.

On his bedside table laid a medium sized wrapped package, in golden paper. His name was written on a red ribbon, that tied the package together. Remus tugged open the ribbon and the paper disappeared to reveal a tacky looking statue; it was of a young looking wizard holding a frothy mug with an obnoxious toothy smile on his face. Remus set the statue down and to his surprise when he did so the statue began to move. It stumbled and swayed around the small square tables’ surface. Drops of his drink spilled out of the mug and instantly dissolved.

Remus noticed a piece of paper stuck to the statue’s back and plucked it off; inadvertently causing the statue to fall to the ground and lay passed out.

Ignoring this Remus read the note;

Welcome back! Hope you enjoy your rooms and this little statue! It’s a pleasure to have you on staff.

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster

Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress

Remus couldn’t help but smile at the gift and note. It was definitely a gift Albus would give.

He picked up the figure from the floor, cupped it in his hands, and watched it stir in it’s groggy state before waking up and looking around. It took a sip from it’s mug and hopped back onto the bedside table.

Remus decided to get to bed. He took off and carelessly threw his old robe to the floor. When he stripped to his underwear, Remus peeled back the covers. Unconsciously rewinding the day in his mind. He began to fall asleep feeling repentant about his comments to Snape. The minute he noticed his former classmate at the staff table, Remus hoped they could be civil and act as adults. Of course he found it hard to be civil when Snape called him ‘werewolf.’ What better way to retaliate than call him a vampire? After all, everyone always suspected him to be one.

“Especially Sirius...” came his voice out of the darkness.

“Sirius? That murderer? Sirius Black?”

“Shut up before I lock you in the cupboard!” Remus replied irritated.

Figured. Dumbledore gave him a drunken statue that kept up on the news.