No Longer Who I was

It was the loneliest day of Remus Lupin's life. He was getting ready to do what he had done at least seven other times. He was alone this time. There was no humor as there used to be.

This man had encountered more in his thirty six years than some did in a lifetime. Remus was ready to lead a peaceful life, free of poverty and the harshness of the muggle world.

He was ready for change. He needed to go back, face the skeletons in his closet. Face what he dreaded facing.

Going back to Hogwarts, appeared to be a profitable idea. At Hogwarts, he would have a warm shelter and plentiful amounts of food. Working alongside respected witches and wizards would be a bonus. There would be some insecurity surrounding that, however. Remus Lupin, two galleons to his name and not one decent set of robes, the colleague of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster and, in his eyes, the most powerful wizard alive. Working alongside Dumbledore? A joke in Remus' mind.

He felt the decision to work at his old school was biased. He had admitted to himself that the main reason he accepted Dumbledore's offer to become a staff member was because he would be taken care of. He didn't particularly worry about what he'd teach the students, or how he'd do it for that matter.

Remus felt guilty about only thinking of himself but those thoughts were comforted by the fact he had noone else to care about.

In the present, the handsome yet weathered wizard was sitting on a bench, in the center of King's Cross. Muggles gave Remus every kind of look known to man. There were looks of pity, disgust and empathy. There were looks of naivete, unconcern and a few smiles were thrown into the mix. One overly large woman, with too much purple eyeshadow, asked Remus if he would like a night cap. He decided enough was enough. It was time to find Platform 9 3/4. Remus grabbed his beaten up briefcase off of the ground and began walking towards his destination.

King's Cross station was filled with the usual. Muggles obviously, and young witches and wizards with their owls and trunks. None of their faces did he recognize, from their parents who he may have gone to school with. No traces of the Malfoy kid whom he heard looked exactly like Lucius.

The platform was now right before his eyes. A deep breath and Remus hastily walked through the brick wall. The whole action of going through the platform and seeing the Hogwarts Express was oddly reminiscent. He no longer felt like a soon to be professor but a child. Once again ready to explore the mysteries of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The Express was just as he remembered from some twenty odd years ago. Scarlet, majestic and large. Although, it didn't seem as large as it did when he was a meager and scared first year. Scared. He noticed not much had changed. He was scared his first day boarding the Express. He was scared the first day boarding the Express after having left it for so long.

Walking onto the Express all of the familiar smells of lemon and mold came back into Remus' memory. No matter how much cleaning was done to the compartments, there was still a faint odour of old mustiness. The first compartment free of students belonged to Remus.

It wasn't common for the teachers to ride with the students but like always, the regime was changed to suit the werewolf, who happened to be the newest Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He should have been settling into his living quarters, greeting and meeting the staff, preparing lesson plans, getting reacquainted with the Shrieking Shack... But instead, he had a transformation to deal with. It was like a farewell gift, so to speak. Before he left his pathetic house, more like a hovel, he had to deal with one more night as a werewolf. It must have been the subconscious anticipation of finally leaving that made that transformation so awful. Remus had become accustomed to waking up and seeing glass shattered, scratch marks on the doors and walls, and ripped fabric from both his bed cover and clothes. That last time, however, the one room dwelling was destroyed. And there was blood on the floor. And remains, of what Remus was sure was one of the large rats that frequently got in through one of the loosened floor boards. The half eaten rat was on his no longer distinguishable bed sheet. And his own dried blood covered his back, along with deeply torn flesh.

Sitting in the nearly vacant compartment, which smelled of memories, the shabby robed, wizard began drifting to sleep. It was easy to kip, when you felt warm and at ease. For Remus, this was just like his school days, when he'd fall asleep to Sirius and Peter teasing James about how he couldn't get the one girl, Lily, whom he frequently obsessed over impressing. Only this time, they were...well, they weren't there. It was just him, the only one left.

The rain shooting at the window was dulcet to him. Ironic really, any other time he'd have cursed the rain ten ways from Sunday. Any other time, Remus was alone without shelter in the rain. Today, it was helping him. Giving him a steady rhythm to sleep by. That rhythm gave Remus a feel of security; the rain pattern never changed. This unwavering pattern, he hoped it would carry on in his life.

Despite the music of the rain it was hard to remain asleep when your head kept hitting the hard glass window, as Remus found out. He sporadically woke up during the trip to Hogwarts. His consciousness remained that of a drunken sailor. He would wake up but he was so drowsy that everything felt like a dream. Just as soon as he woke up he'd fall asleep once again. Never once realizing his old friend's son was sitting no less then three feet away.

No dreams inhabited his sleep. The wearied lad was far to exhausted to even dream. Being a werewolf took it's toll on him. In more ways than one.

Something must have been wrong. When Remus awoke for the final time that ride it wasn't because of any window. He was being poked and elbowed. There were children's voices yelling and arguing and the lights were out. He didn't know what was going on. His first thought was to take control.

"Quiet!" He said in his now hoarse voice. He had to find out what was happening. A fire was made in the cup of his hands. "Stay where you are." He directed to the confused students as he crossed the compartment.

Reaching out to open the door. A tall cloaked figure appeared. A dementor. The nameless faces were all cowering behind the older man. They surely had not encountered one before. A few shrieks here and there from some girl made Remus even less at ease with the whole situation. With quick thinking he pulled his wand from a sewn pocket and yelled, "None of us are hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go!"

Still the dark creature didn't leave. Suddenly, Lupin muttered, "expecto patronum" and the unnerving figure, withdrew from the compartments presence. At that moment the lights flickered on. Remus looked down to see what he could have sworn to be James on the floor, passed out. And he knew that he couldn't turn back now. Even if his heart was telling him to.