The Death Eater's Daughter

Chapter Thirty-Three - Trip On Love

Adrenaline shot through Luci's veins.

Harry's face betrayed so much wrath that she nearly took a step back in surprise. Her first instinct was to Disapparate from the spot. She didn't have to put herself through this. But she couldn't do it to him. He deserved better.

"Harry..."

"Where the bloody hell have you been?" he roared feverishly.

This time, she did lurch backwards, knocking into her desk. She didn't know why. She should have expected it. Harry had every right to hate her. But it still stunned her, rocked her, tore her apart.

She tried to explain, "I... Draco disappeared... I had to go after him! He's not safe!"

"And you couldn't bother telling me?" he spewed.

It sounded almost as if he'd been worried about her. But that was impossible. He hated her. He had to. She would.

"I thought you pretty much never wanted to see me again, so I just... left..." she choked.

"That's mental, Luci, I..." He halted briefly, but then went on, "If you thought that, why did you come back?"

She could tell him that she had meant to retrieve a few items, talk to Charlie, and disappear again, without a word to him, but she had a feeling that it would enrage him even more so. So she piled on yet another lie.

"Because I couldn't find him. I need help."

Harry scoffed at her. "No one here cares about him, so you'll have to go somewhere else for your help."

She released an involuntary noise that gave away her hurt. She hadn't expected him to be so cold. Once again, she scolded herself. She deserved anything that he threw at her, no matter the temperature.

"So you do hate me," said Luci diffidently.

She was going to add that she didn't blame him, but he gave a tired sigh and put his hand to his head. This lovely motion filled her with such longing that she couldn't speak. She was experiencing too much, and she wanted to panic. What she'd felt for Mark had been explosive, but it paled in comparison to her emotions toward Harry. It scared the shit out of her.

"You know that's not true," he was saying in vexation.

But she was still staring at him, knowing no words, her weakness growing stronger. He was beautiful, riveting. She'd give anything to just...

"What happened with Malfoy?" he cut into her thoughts.

Luci shook herself, trying to return to cool.

"Well, he hates me, anyway. He was too arrogant to listen, and Narcissa was furious, so they ran off. I've been trying desperately to find them and I've looked everywhere. I finally decided that I needed to regroup."

It was mostly true. Her eyes were stinging.

"Why didn't you go to your good friend, Snape?" fired Harry, with no regard to her desperation.

She exhaled. There was no need to discuss Severus.

"Harry, I told you, I'm sorry that I didn't spill everything. What more can I do?"

"This isn't about you and Malfoy!" he spat. "This is about you leaving here without even considering me. I thought I'd never see you again."

She blinked. There was something in his voice...

Suddenly, she knew what it was, and she knew that she had to push him away before this went any further. Abrupt terror had flooded her. She never thought it possible that he could feel anything for her, so he hadn't been in any danger. Now, if something had changed, he wasn't safe from her anymore...

"So did I. I meant for it to be goodbye."

"Luci..." whimpered Harry, his jaw slack.

Her name under the spell of his voice, in that tone... Her stomach did a somersault. When did this happen? Had she missed it? Been blind to it? She took a shaky breath, refusing to meet his eyes, talking herself out of running to him, kissing him, telling him everything, promising to be better...

"Has it all meant nothing to you?" came his voice again, still bathed in heartache.

She couldn't hold herself together. "No! Just the opposite!"

He frowned. "The opposite? That doesn't make any sense. Why would you-"

"I'm such a disaster, Harry," she interrupted. It was true, and she had to convince him. For his own sake. "It'd be better if you never saw me again."

"How can you say that?"

"You're so angry..." she faltered, and she didn't know why her inflection had sounded the least bit surprised.

"What do you expect, after all you've done?" he bellowed.

Luci swallowed hard. Perhaps she'd finished it. Perhaps now, he would want nothing to do with her. And though she wanted everything to do with him, it was because she loved him that she had to save him.

She tried to stay composed as she said, "I don't have the right to expect anything. All I have the right to do is try to leave here without ruining anything more in my wake."

As quickly as she could, she went to the desk and gathered the things that she'd laid out. She'd leave the address book on the floor; she didn't really need it.

Harry hadn't said anything more, so she kept her eyes down and headed for the door. She was about to pass him, and she almost thought that she was going to make it out, but he seized her arm forcefully.

Taken aback by this, Luci merely stopped still. Fucking idiot; why hadn't she Apparated?

He had pulled her close to him, and his coppery scent was immediately assailing her. Everything inside her began to vibrate in anticipation. She kept her gaze on his chest, the olive-colored shirt that he was wearing. She didn't know what to do, or what to say, or if she should move at all. He was breathing as shallowly as she was. She thought it must be the magnetism surrounding them that was sucking out all of the oxygen...

Finally, Harry spoke, and she trembled.

"Why did you leave without saying anything to me? I thought we... I mean..." His voice broke, and so did all of her resolve. "Did you really think that I never wanted to see you again?"

Luci forced herself to look up at him. His eyes were overcast, and he was being so gracious. She didn't merit it.

"Yes. I thought you'd be happy to get rid of the daughter of a Death Eater."

His expression hardened. "No, I... We were friends, weren't we?"

She exhaled desolately. "Aren't we?"

Harry simply blinked.

And then her mouth got away from her, the words tumbling over each other as they spilled from her lips.

"I don't know how we can be. I've wrecked it all. And there are too many 'I'm sorry's for me to say. I can't expect you to ever forgive me for everything. And I know that you'll never see me the same way, now that you know. But can't you see why I didn't tell you? Don't you wish that you'd never found out? So I will go find my help elsewhere. Thank you for... everything. I can't tell you what y-"

She'd almost said you. "What it's meant to me..."

"So you're just going to leave me again?"

She had kept her eyes down, but they shot up at this.

"Leave you?"

He took a deep breath. "Yes."

Her entire core soared. She wanted to kiss him. But instead, she was going to make it right, and yes, she was going to leave him. Again.

"Harry... I've hurt you so much and I never meant to and I'm so unbelievably sorry. All I wanted was to keep Draco safe, and now, so many other things have become important, and I've done everything wrong, and I'm just..."

Dammit, she wouldn't cry. She steadied herself.

"I shouldn't have left without saying anything. I was just so scared of what you must think of me and I couldn't bare to face you and I'm just spineless in general and I'm sorry, I really am. I wish that we could start over."

Luci's vision was clouded by her tears, but she was focusing on his eyes. She never wanted to forget them. This expectant silence was hanging between them, igniting the air, and she struggled with herself, to keep from confessing her love. She hoped that he would release her arm now, let her go, save himself. But instead, he was lowering his head, and he was so close...

Before she could stop it, his mouth was on hers.

She heard a crash as everything she'd been holding fell to the floor, but the sound was distant. Every inch of her body had surged to life. She pressed her lips to his, and though she faintly felt her stomach go into knots, it was as if her entire being was centered on the sensation of his mouth, and nothing else registered. The magnetism had now become a wave, crashing them into each other. She was losing herself...

And then, his arms were gripping her, tugging her closer, and with a sudden awareness of what was happening, she pulled away. Her foot caught on something. It didn't matter.

"No, no..." she heard herself mutter, from smoldering lips.

"No?" he echoed, his breathing labored.

Oh, god. This was tragic. Part of her wanted to jump up and down in ecstasy. But she knew that she had to stop this. Though... she also wanted to know how he felt. It had been the most magnificent kiss of her life...

"What does this mean, Harry?"

He didn't seem to have an answer. It had all become a profound awkwardness. She knew that she could end it, either by leaving or by resuming the kissing. She also knew that neither of these was a good idea, however.

At last, he murmured, "I've just... wanted to kiss you..."

Luci's knees nearly gave way.

"I see," she managed.

Harry was looking at her in a new way, a way that she could hardly believe. There was something about him, something that warmed and tempted her and stood at the door of her self-imposed prison, threatening to splinter the wood. Could they do this together? Was it possible that she could finally have him?

No, her conscience reminded her, and all of the reasons flooded back.

"Oh!" she cried, and she couldn't face him anymore. "This is so wrong!"

And probably illegal.

She gasped at the realization. "I'm going to lose my job!"

He contributed, "I'm of age, Luci."

It wasn't helpful.

"Yes, but I'm still a Ministry Official and you're still a Hogwarts student!"

She was pacing again. Did she do this as often in the past? The past had been so much simpler...

Then she remembered something else.

"What about you and Ginny?"

Harry answered with assurance, "There is no 'me and Ginny.'"

"Oh, god, she'll think I..."

Of course, what did it matter what Ginny thought anymore? Luci had ruined every single relationship she'd made since she'd arrived here. She'd created such wreckage out of everything. She couldn't let Harry be another casualty.

So she stopped her movement and looked up at him.

"We can't do this, Harry."

His brow furrowed, pain clouding his eyes.

"Why not?"

There were too many reasons to list.

"Because... it's... inappropriate," she answered ineffectually.

"But you do feel something for me?"

Her skin reacted to the words. They had been so hopeful, coming out of his mouth.

Yes! she wanted to declare. But she shook her head and replied, "This is all my fault... If I'd known this was happening..."

Well, if she'd known, she'd have done nothing to stop it. She wanted this, more than anything. And she wasn't the least bit ungrateful that it was being handed to her, but if he knew...

"What?" he had prompted.

"I would have stayed away from you," was her lie. But she added the truth, "I should have."

"Why?"

She couldn't explain her rationale to him. Her heart was growing weary with misery.

"Just let it go, Harry."

"No," he snapped firmly.

Luci didn't mean to sound desperate when she blurted, "Please. Just... You need to go."

But Harry was standing resolutely in place, and she adored him for it. She absolutely did not want him to go.

"Not until you tell me the truth. Don't you... I mean... there's something here, isn't there?"

Her heart, amidst its racing, gave a painful thump at his pitch. She lowered her eyes and whispered to herself, "There's everything."

"Look at me," he said suddenly.

And she couldn't. Not until she could replace her mask. And it almost killed her, but she had to protect him.

At last, she met his gaze, her emotions pushed to the farthest interiors of her being.

"I don't feel the same."

The words resonated in the room. It was the biggest lie that Luci had ever told.

Harry looked crushed.

"But, Luci, I..."

Her heart cried out with pain, but her expression hid it.

She repeated quickly, "I don't."

He emitted a miserable huff.

"You're lying. Again. Why can't you ever be straight with me?"

She had to look away now. He knew her too well.

"Just go."

"Fine," he snarled, and then he was leaving.

"Harry," she called in yearning.

Shit. She could never control herself, could she?

But he only stopped, refusing to turn.

So she concluded, "I'm... so sorry. You have no idea."

"You're always sorry," was his bitter reply.

Luci sobbed before she could prevent it. If he hadn't hated her before, he certainly did now. But it was worth it. He would be free to find happiness, beauty, simplicity, sanity, all the things that she lacked.

Before stomping out and slamming the door, he insisted, "Just... stay here tonight, okay?"

She collapsed into tears instantly, falling against the footboard of her bed. Part of her wanted him to come back, to refuse to give up on her, to make her believe that she was worth fighting for. All she wanted was to tell him the truth, to be in his arms again, to feel his lips again... But she knew that she never could. She had just thrown away a dream, and she couldn't stand herself for it. But his heart wasn't safe with her.

If Kristen had been there, she'd have said, "Fuck it! Be selfish!" But Luci had never been very good at being selfish. She didn't even know why. Perhaps she was a bit self-destructive. Perhaps she liked some suffering. She didn't believe that she deserved anything good.

And she wept until her head throbbed so relentlessly that she thought she'd vomit. Then she stood shakily, and, against her better judgment, decided to stay.

She changed into her nightclothes and crawled into her bed. Her cold, lonely bed. Her friends on another continent, her brother gone, her love lost. She could die. If only she were able to.

Heavily sedated by the tears she'd been crying for months on end, Luci must have dozed off. The sound of raised voices first carried into her dreams, then awoke her. She sat up, listening hard. That damn portrait was shrieking, though why at this hour? She checked the clock on her nightstand and it displayed 4:57 AM.

Luci wanted to roll over and return to slumber, the safest place for her muddled mind. But as she heard footsteps on the landing, she thought that she should probably look into the disturbance. She sighed, clambered out of the warm blankets, and peeked out from behind her bedroom door.

Harry and Ron were leaning over the banister, looking down at something. She wanted to run to Harry and wrap her arms around him and tell him how very sorry she was...

But then Narcissa's voice met her ears.

"Luci!" she was bellowing.

So Luci rushed to Harry's side and peered down at the woman.

"Now she wants my help," she muttered.

Both Harry and Ron gave her an appreciative smile, but she hadn't meant the comment for them.

"Luci!" said Narcissa again, her tone frightened. "He's taken Draco! The Dark Lord has taken him!"