Spider-Bat 2

She looks at me everyday. Hermione Granger. Man, is she hot or what? Oh, boy, if she only knew how I felt about her. But she can never know, because I have ADD. ~Harry Potter, May 9^th, 1995.

I made a choice once to live a life of responsibility, a life that my love couldn't be a part of. Who am I? I'm Spider-Bat, given a job to do.

I have to write stories for some Harry Potter Fan Fiction site. That went wrong when Emma was kidnapped by Voldemort, and I took the choice that she couldn't be in my Spider-Bat life. I erased her memory, and she now only knows Matt. Not Spider-Bat.

Harry Potter's ADD was worsened because of my anger, and Hogwarts kicked him out because he was a classified mental retard. I was the only one who would take him. We work together at a newspaper and a pizza place.

"Potter!" a man yelled. "Potter!" It was Mr. Kasneeze, our boss. He doesn't know that I really deliver the pizzas. I turn invisible, and Harry gets the credit.

"Potter," said Mr. Kasneeze. "You're late, man! Always late, huh?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kasneeze," Harry replied. "There was a... disturbance." Harry was referring to the little accident with Voldemort and some toe-fungus.

"What's with the disturbances?" Kasneeze said. "Always disturbances! Okay, 21 minutes ago, in comes order, Harmattan, Burton and Smith. Eight extra-large deep-dish pizzas. In eight minutes, I am defaulting on Joe's 29 minutes guarantee. Then, not only am I receiving no money for these pizzas, but I will lose the customer forever to Pizza Hut.

"Look, you're my only hope, all right? You have to make it in time. Harry, you're a nice guy, but you're just not dependable."

Harry was eyeing a blonde in the corner.

"Potter! POTTER! This is you're last chance. You have to go 42 blocks in 7 and one-half minutes, or your ass is fired."

Harry eyed the blonde.

"GO!" insisted Mr. Kasneeze.

***

Harry drove his bike down the road and thought he was the little engine that could. I swiped the pizzas out of his hands and went for Harmattan, Burton, and Smith. I just knew if I tried I could, oh never mind.

Some stupid kids were fighting over a ball in the middle of the street. (This is New York, don't parents teach kids anything?) I am the best superhero in the world, so I, of course, saved them.

"YOU STUPID KIDS GET OFF THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET OR I'LL TAKE THE BALL AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR-..." I yelled, but was interrupted by the clock. I have 5 minutes to get to Harmattan, Burton and Smith or our asses were fired.

Casting a web, I swung to Harmattan, Burton and Smith, not knowing where the eggs it was.

All of a sudden, my arch-nemeses, the Joker-Goblin, flew by me. I had no time to waste, so I stabbed him in the heart with my claws. He took off his mask and reveled himself to be... dum, dum, dum: Arthur Weasley.

"Now my sons will want revenge!" Arthur yelled. "All six of them!" He died.

I knew that wasn't a good idea, but, oh well. I had one minute left.

***

I pushed Harry through the door while he picked his nose. There was a hot red-head at the desk, and hurriedly ran to her, not worrying about the booger on his face.

"Pizza time!" he said. He began to unpack the pizzas when the red-head pointed at the clock. Harry didn't get it. "That's a clock." he said.

"You're late," she explained. "I'm not paying for those."

"Oh," Harry said, unnerved. "Okie Dokie."

"You idiot!" I yelled. "That means we're fired!"

***

"You're fired," said a new man. This was our other boss, Jonah J. Jameson. For this job, the two of us worked together as photographers. We took pictures of things, like busses and chickens. What Jameson really wanted were pictures of Spider-Bat. Harry eyed the hot brunette secretary.

"Hello, Potter," Jameson said. "You're fired."

"Why?" I asked.

"Let's see..." Jameson looked over Harry's pictures, and I knew I shouldn't have given him a camera with only 10 shots left. "Girls, more girls, girl legs, girl, girl boobs, girls, and Coggins."

"I thought the Booger could show another side of New York!" Harry insisted.

Robbie Eibbor, the editor, walked in and said, "6 minutes to deadline, Jonah!"

"If you want to take pictures of girls, go work for Esquire," Jameson said. "But I only pay you to take pictures of Spider-Bat."

"That's weird," said Jameson. "I don't remember you putting that on the employee health sheet. Oh, well."

"Five minutes, Jonah!" Robbie said.

"Okay," said Jonah. "Run a headline that says: Magical School Found in Britain. They'd probably believe us! America is so gullible, I mean, they did vote for George W. Bush-..."

"Here's your picture," I said, handing Jonah a picture of me (in costume), webbing through the city.

"Okay," Jonah said. "Move the school to page 6, and put this in front. Headline: Spider-Bat doesn't wear a cup!"

"He doesn't?" asked gullible old Harry. "Why don't bad guys just kick him-..."

"Okay, Harry," I said, rushing him out of the room. "It's time to go see Aunt Petunia.