Harry Potter Jeopardy!

JOHNNY:

We're taking the three best students of this school. Let's meet them, shall we?

First up is Draco Malfoy, a Slytherin who says he likes his hair!

Next is Ronald Weasley, a Gryffindor who says he can't hear me; he's deaf!

And here's Harry Potter, a Gryffindor who's playing even though he has ADD! He says he loves... cookies.

From the Sony Pictures Studio, here's Alex Trebec!

ALEX: Thank you, Johnny, but we're not at Sony, this is Hogwarts.

JOHNNY: Yeah, whatever.

ALEX: Alright, let's look at our categories, shall we?

First there's "Popular Movies."

Next, there's "Stupid Answers."

Here's "Popular Songs."

Finally, here's "Children's Books."

Let's start with you, Harry.

HARRY: I'll go with "World War II" for 4 billion.

ALEX: I'm sorry, we don't have that category.

HARRY: (cries) Don't make fun of me!

ALEX: Please don't cry, Harry.

HARRY: I don't cry.

ALEX: Please, just pick a category and stop crying!

HARRY: (cries) Fine! I'll take "Popular Movies" for 4 billion.

ALEX: (sighs) For 100, then:

The star character of "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

RON: What? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!

MALFOY: Who is my hair?

ALEX: I'm sorry, that is wrong.

HARRY: Who are my cookies?

ALEX: No, that is also wrong. The answer was "Harry Potter."

HARRY: What?

ALEX: I'm sorry?

HARRY: You said my name!

ALEX: Because it was the answer!

MALFOY: Who is my hair?

ALEX: That wasn't a question, Malfoy.

RON: What? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!

ALEX: Please choose a category, Harry.

HARRY: "Stupid Answers" for 6,000.

ALEX: (sighs) For 200, then:

This is a machine used to wash dishes.

MALFOY: What is my hair?

ALEX: No.

HARRY: Dishwasher?

ALEX: I'm sorry, that must be put in the form of a question.

RON: What is a dishwasher?

ALEX: I thought you were deaf! Whatever, choose a category.

RON: What? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!

ALEX: Okay, "Popular Music" for 500 it is:

This song by OutKast is about the way someone moves.

MALFOY: What is my hair?

ALEX: For the last time, none of these are about your hair!

HARRY: (sings) I like the way you move! Da-da-da! I like the way you move!

ALEX: They have to be in the form of the question!!!!!

RON: What? I can't here you! I think I'm deaf!

[Buzzer]

ALEX: That means it's time for Final Jeopardy!

CREWMAN: Alex, it's only Double Jeopardy!

ALEX: (eats crewman's head off) It's time for Final Jeopardy! The category is: Hair! Oh, I wonder who will get this right!

MALFOY: Can I write my name on Harry's thingy?

ALEX: NO!

MALFOY: (writes name on Harry's thingy) Thanks, Regis!

ALEX: (growls) Here's the question:

What is located on top of Malfoy's hair and is blonde?

Thirty seconds, players- good luck. You'll need it.

[music plays]

ALEX: Okay, let's see what you got. Malfoy was in third place, let's see what he had:

Who is Archduke Franz Ferdinand?

$20,000,000

The one time you didn't guess your hair!!! IDIOT!!!

Let's see what Ron had:

What is-- What? I can't here you! I think I'm deaf!

$5,000,000,000

I'm starting to guess you need to leave this place and go to real school.

And, oh, god... What did Harry have?

What is

4 billion dollars

I don't believe it... you... won... Do we even have 4 billion dollars? I'm going to have to go back to Cedar Point and clean poop out of the pools like after Ken Jennings.

JOHNNY: Join us next week when we have Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, and a clone made from both of them. Yippee, skippee.