Harry Potter and the MAD Magazine

Harry Potter and the MAD Magazine

Harry got up early Saturday morning. He had nothing to do. He asked Ron if they could play chess, but he had a hangover. He asked Seamus if they could get drunk, but he had a hangover. He asked Dean if they could color, but he had a hangover. Don't even ask about Neville.

Harry turned on the TV. He noticed then that there are no TV sets at Hogwarts. It worked, though, so he began flipping channels. One channel called Comedy Central caught his eye. He began watching a show called MAD TV, and it was the funniest thing he ever saw. It was funnier than Ron's hangover. It was funnier than Seamus and his hangover. It was funnier than Dean's hangover. It was funnier than Neville's... you don't want to know.

At the end credits, he noticed that it said, "Based on MAD Magazine." He wondered where a so-called magazine is.

Just then, Ron farted and a newsstand came out of the fireplace. Adam Sandler was sitting in it.

"Hello, Adam Sandler," Harry said. "Do you have any MAD Magazines?"

"Are you sure you don't want to read 'Saturday Night Live: the Magazine?'"

"Yes," said Harry. "I'm sure."

"Okay," Adam said. "Here you go." Adam handed him the magazine upside-down, and Harry, having ADD, got a little preoccupied with the back ad. It had Mario and Donkey Kong bouncing around a guy playing a Gameboy Advance.

Hermione came up to him. She also had a hangover, but was still a little drunk, too. "Hiya... Harry," she said. "Can I call you Bo-Bob?"

"Sure," Harry said. "I think I had an uncle named Bo-Bob, but he died of a rare disease caused from chickens."

"WOW!" Hermione yelled. "YOU'RE READING! LOOK, EVERYBODY, HARRY'S READING!"

Harry turned the magazine over as Hermione grabbed a Bud Light. He began crying.

Neville came up to him, dealing with the wedgy he got from his Speedos. "What's wrong, Harry?"

Harry held up the mag, which had a picture of him, Hermione, and Ron. They were surrounding a picture of Sirius, and it said, "Have you seen this idiot?" Underneath that, it read, "Harry Potter: Our Magically Moronic Spoof!"

Neville began crying, too. "It's okay, Neville," Harry said. "We'll get over Sirius!"

"It's not that," said Neville. "I just went pee-pee in my Speedos!" Neville left the room crying.

Harry opened the MAD and saw a picture of a boy with orange hair and a word balloon over him. Inside the word balloon, it said, "More Americans would speak out against the obesity problem- but it's impolite to talk with your mouth full!"

Harry wondered what an American was. He asked Dean, but he had a hangover. He asked Seamus, but he had a hangover. He didn't ask Neville, and you don't want to know why. Finally, he asked Ron.

"Ron, what's an American?"

"STOP WITH THE LOUD NOISES!" Ron yelled.

"Sorry," Harry whispered. "What's an American?"

"YOU COULD BE A LITTLE QUIETER, BUT THAT'S OKAY!" Ron sat down on one of the armchairs, without realizing Neville was in it. Poor Ron never got the stain out of his robes.

"AN AMERICAN IS AN IDIOT, DON'T YOU LISTEN TO GREEN DAY?"

"Yeah, but I thought they were talking about George W. Bush,"

"What?" Ron asked.

"I thought they were talking about George W. Bush!"

"What?"

"I THOUGHT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT GEORGE W. BUSH!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO LOUD!" Ron yelled.

Harry went on reading. He found the spoof on Harry Potter, called "The Pre-Teen Nerds Are Actin' Bad."

It was actually very funny. Harry didn't understand who Harry Plodder was, or what this spoof had to do with Harry Potter.

Harry reached a character named J.K. Rowling. He wondered who this was. Her name wasn't funny like everyone else's, and so he began to cry.

Ron farted again and a woman fell out of the chimney. She had blonde hair and a very large nose.

"Hello, Harry," the woman said. "I'm J.K. Rowling,"

"Who?"

"The woman you were crying about,"

"I don't cry,"

"Yes, you do,"

"No I don't!" Harry began to cry. "Don't make fun of me!"

The woman began singing a song from Mary Poppins, and she flew back up the chimney.

Harry continued through the magazine, and found a comic called "Spy vs. Spy." It was very odd, so he began looking around the room. Adam Sandler was standing behind him, peeing on the wall. Harry imitated him, and it looked just like a scene from Big Daddy.

Harry went back to the MAD and read the rest. He was done. He looked around the room again and saw all the guys just sitting around with hangovers and Neville... well, doing what he was doing before.

Harry went up to Ron, but his ears were bleeding, so he couldn't hear him. Hermione had placed her bra on her ears and couldn't hear either. Harry began to cry.

Ron farted and another person came out of the chimney. Harry recognized him: it was Spider-Bat, the odd author who wrote the last odd parody. Harry went up to him.

"Spider-Bat, did you write this story?"

"Yes, I did," Spider-Bat said.

"Why is it so odd?"

"I'm an odd author,"

"Why did you put a TV here?"

"Plot twist,"

"Why did Ron fart and make everyone come out of the chimney?"

"Plot twists,"

"Why does everyone have a hangover?"

"I had lots of beer at my wedding," Spider-Bat replied, hugging Emma Watson, who appeared out of nowhere. "Oh, that's right, you didn't come. You were busy in my other story, and I married Emma Watson then."

"Oh," Harry said. "I have to get you a present! Here." Harry handed Spider-Bat the MAD Magazine.

"That's okay," Spider-Bat said. "I have that issue. How do you think I wrote this story?"

Harry began to cry again. Spider-Bat whipped out his laptop and wrote: "Dean recovered from his hangover and he and Harry colored a Spider-Bat coloring book."

All that happened, and Spider-Bat and Emma walked down the hall. Emma turned to him.

"Don't you think it's a little weird that we had an underage wedding in a fictional universe?"

"Yes," Spider-Bat said. "It doesn't even seem possible right now. I mean, I'm a nerd who writes fan fiction stories, and you're a beautiful movie star. I'm confused."

"Who cares," she said. "We have 20 words until the end, and then we'll be separated. Kiss me you fool!"

They kissed, and the story ended.

2/11/05