Follow the Butterflies

"If anyone wanted ter find out some stuff, all they'd have ter do would be ter follow... the butterflies. That'd lead 'em right! That's all I'm sayin'."

"I think he's gone bloody mad!" Ron whispered under the Invisibility Cloak. The door slammed and the kids took of the cloak.

"Well," said Harry. "you heard him. 'Follow the butterflies.'"

"That can't be too bad," said Ron. "At least it's not 'follow the spiders'"

The boys opened the door and called Fang. They saw several monarchs heading toward the forest. They followed them.

The butterflies continued on into the forest and off the trail. Ron didn't seem to care. "I just love butterflies, don't you, Harry?"

"Shut up, Ron!" Harry called back.

"Hello!" echoed a voice that resembled that of Carson from Queer Eye. "Is that you, Haggie-Waggie?"

"Um..." Harry stuttered. "Do you mean, 'Hagrid'?"

"Of course, silly!" Just then, a large butterfly emerged from a large hole in the ground that just seemed to be there. "I'm Aragog, welcome to my pad!"

The butterfly was holding some kind of tequila, with a little umbrella in it. And it's "pad" was filled with tie-dye chairs and little colored strings of beads.

"Haggie-Waggie never sent some bodacious babes like you into this total drab of a forest," Aragog said.

"We're friends of Hagrid," said Harry.

"Oh," said Aragog, taking a sip from his drink. "I know what you mean."

"No!" yelled Harry, a little embarrassed. "We're just friends, and Hagrid's just been taken away by the Ministry!"

"Oh, no!" cried Aragog. "Not my Haggie-Waggie!"

"We have some questions for you," Harry said, stuttering a little. "Did Hagrid open the Chamber of Secrets fifty years ago?"

"OH- MY- GOD!" Aragog screamed. "Why in the world would he do that?"

"So you're not the monster?" Harry questioned.

"Oh, heavens, no! Killing is so... yucky!"

Aragog took another sip from his drink, but then spat it right back out.

"OH- MY- GOD!" he screamed again.

"What now?" Harry moaned, for he was dead tired of al this screaming.

"You got mud all over my carpet!"

Harry and Ron looked down, and indeed, there was carpet there.

"I guess this is goodbye, girlfriends!" Aragog said. "Oh, pool boys!"

Millions of butterflies came soaring down over Harry and Ron's heads, each donning a tight cheetah-skin-themed Speedos.

"Holy crap!" Ron yelled. "It's my car!"

The Ford Anglia came driving through the trees. The boys got in and drove on- through some of the butterflies, and you know all that green crap that gets all over the windshield when you run into a bug- it's gross.

Now they couldn't see, so they ran into a lot of things, including a large tree in which a couple of Speedo butterflies were making out. The tree fell right on them- splat! They were dead.

Somehow the boys managed to hold on when the car crashed though the last of the trees, hit the ground, and rolled around until it was upside down.

They climbed out of the car, all covered in butterfly guts, and ran. The car then blew up, but somehow started up again, rolled over, and drove back into the forest.

"Follow the butterflies!" yelled Ron. "If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him!"

Ron went over to a tree and sat down. He sighed, "Why couldn't have been, 'Follow the spiders?'"