Harry Potter and the Golden Apple Corps

Chapter Three

Harry looked at the motley assemblage in his living room. He was still a little taken aback at the strangeness of the evening, but he decided that it was either a dream, or being "The-Chosen-Boy-Who-Lived-and-Loses-All-His-Parent-Figures" had finally warped his brain beyond repair. He figured either way, the best bet was to just go with it. He stood up, cleared his throat, motioned toward the kitchen, and announced, "It seems that we are going to have a meeting of some sort. If Professor Lupin will kindly close the front door, we can all adjourn to the kitchen and Dobby can serve some refreshments while we have our discussion."

As they made their way into the kitchen, Eris caught Ginny and pulled her aside. "He loves you, you know."

"He's already said so, but he's worried about You-Know-Who hurting me to get to him."

"I know, but I think I can allay his fears by the end of this little chat."

"Why are you helping me? My portrait told me about you parading around in front of him naked."

"I was just changing clothes, and as a goddess, I tend to ignore all your petty taboos."

Ginny was about to respond to this when Moody's voice came roaring out of the kitchen. "Eris, you everlasting bitch! You started this, get your ass in here to explain!"

"Keep your leg on, Alastor," Eris said, gliding into the room arm-in-arm with Ginny, "As I told Harry a few minutes ago, I'm here to help with his battle against He-Who-Must-Usually-Be-Fucking-Hyphenated."

Harry and Ginny smirked. Fred, George, Ron, and Tonks burst out laughing. Moody himself looked to be on the verge of smiling. Remus, Hermione, and Omar buried their faces in their hands. Gulik just clicked his mandibles and twitched his antennae in a way that seemed to be telling Eris to get on with it.

"Your enemy, Voldietwit, seems to have joined forces with my enemy, Greyface. This brings a new twist on an old problem for all of us. As your enemy is now mine, I am here to induct you all into the Golden Apple Corps. Harry, as you are the one who has to kill Moldybutt, I think you can stand in as the one to answer in the ceremony."

"Er, I guess," Harry said, not at all sure he really wanted anything to do with this.

"Are you a Human Being and not a Cabbage or something?"

"Yes," Harry answered, with some trepidation.

"That's too bad. Do you wish to better thyself?"

"Uh. Sure."

"How stupid. Are you willing to become Philosophically Illuminized?"

"Whatever."

"I now pronounce you members of the Golden Apple Corps. Kiss your sanity goodbye."

"I told you she was trouble," Moody muttered, massaging the bridge of his nose in a fashion that suggested a major headache.

"Oh, Alastor, I think you're pretty special too. Anyway, now that you are members of the Corps, it means that you can be around the Apples withou experiencing their effects."

"Apples?" Ron looked up from the tray of pasties that he had been devouring.

"Oh honestly Ron. She must be talking about the Golden Apple of Discord that she threw that started the Trojan War."

Eris winced. "Start one damn war and nobody ever lets you forget it," she thought.

"Actually, Hermione, I let Aphrodite keep that one. While I'm still goddess of discord, I much prefer chaos and confusion. In that vein, I present the Paisley Apple of Chaos, and the Orange Apple of Confusion," Eris announced as she produced them. Fred and George stared at them with their eyes glassy and little trickles of drool forming at the corners of their mouths.

"But then why are we the Golden..." Hermione began.

"C'mon, Hermione, don't tell me you can't figure that one out? It must be because she is the goddess of chaos and confusion!" Ron grinned, showing the room a little more of the pasty he had just been eating than anybody wanted. Hermione blushed.

"And Harry is going to be given a new power all his own! I believe you folks call someone who can transform into an animal an Animagus. Harry is going to be one of those."

"A stag like 'is dad?" Tonks asked, "Or maybe a dog like 'is godfather?"

"No, nothing in an ordinary vein would suit a member of the Golden Apple Corps. Harry will be an Ostrich."

Fred and George fell over laughing. Everybody but Harry, Eris, and Omar were in fact laughing. Harry seemed on the verge of tears. Hermione noticed and managed to bring herself to some semblance of control.

"But Harry, the ostrich is the fastest land animal in the world! Not to mention that it would at least confuse You-Know-Who!"

"Yeah, and Severus Snape is a Wereflamingo," Harry muttered.

"Not a bad idea Harry! I'll see to that now," Eris beamed. "Watch the birdies, and you'll see a glimpse of what is going to happen tomorrow night."

A scene began to unfold over Harry's enormous kitchen table. Severus Snape, whom they knew had been sent by Voldemort to recruit American Wizards and Witches in Florida to be Death eaters, was running from a huge flock of birds. The ungainly pink creatures overtook him. Although flamingos aren't known for their biting ability, by the sheer number of them they managed to break the skin.

Remus began laughing as the scene faded. "I wonder if wolfsbane will do him any good," he mused aloud, "He might even try to put some of his considerable talent toward curing the problems of werecreatures now."

Fred and George chose this moment to stop drooling over the thoughts of the fun they could have with Eris's apples to ask a silly question. "Y'know, Dumbledore named the Order of the Phoenix after his pet, Fawkes. Why don't we-"

"-call ourselves the Order of the Ostrich?" George finished with a broad grin on his face