The Book Of Jude

Chapter Ten: Reflection

`I have a wish, I want to learn

I wish to see, and I want to affirm

That what I see in reflection day to day

Isn´t all I am´

Incubus, Divided

She buried her face in the soft, warm towel. She dreaded the moment she would drop the towel and be forced to look into the mirror. Letting it fall to the floor at her feet, her eyes rose slowly to take in the reflection. The Jude staring back at her was the same, yet astoundingly changed. When had she become so old? This girl staring back must be at least five years older than her roughly twenty-one years of age! The gray eyes that had never held any real luster, like two small lakes on an afternoon just before snow, were now ringed by dark circles and punctuated by lines at the corners. She looked horrible. How long had it been since she´d had a decent night´s rest? In all honesty, she couldn´t say that she´d ever slept through a single night in her life. Yet she´d never looked this tired and beaten before, the customary circles under her eyes never deepening to the dark hue of a livid bruise, until now.

Of course, she did have a lot to worry about at the moment. Someone was trying to kill the kid she was charged to look after and she´d spent the last four months canvassing the halls of the enormous castle, hoping to head off the danger before it found him. She´d expected whoever it was to go after the Stone before Harry, but it seemed now that because of their frustrated attempts at gaining access to the Third Floor Corridor, they would pass the time until the right opportunity came along by concentrating their efforts on killing the boy. She looked again at the mirror. Her shoulders were slumped, making her look shorter than her five feet and two inches. Her hands steadied herself against the small sink underneath the offending mirror. Her head bowed, letting her dull, sandy locks fall in limp strands around her face. Only in the last few weeks had she felt so worn and tattered, however. After Halloween, she´d thought that further attempts at stealing the Stone would become more secretive and would concentrate only on that single objective, unlike the troll that had almost reduced Harry and his friends to a pile of splinters and dust with the rest of the toilets they had battled in. Yes, she had to admit--the boy had blindly, but bravely wandered into that one. He had a knack for finding trouble, not unlike herself at that age, Jude mused.

But in November, only a few short weeks ago, at the first Quidditchmatch of the year, Harry had almost been bucked off of his broom and sent plummeting to his death. She had not been present at the time--she thought that the presence of the other teachers and students would ensure the boy´s safety. She had been dead wrong. After the game, Professor Snapehad told her of the strange events that had stalled the game. Someone had jinxed Harry´s broomstick, Quirrell´s doing, in Snape´s opinion--an accusation Jude still felt to be too feeble to accept. Snape had, of course, used a counter curse to help Harry who was unharmed, but had sworn to Jude that Harry´s little friend, Miss Granger, had set his robes on fire.

It made little sense to her that the culprit would give up their pursuit of the Stone, even just for one moment, and double their efforts at harming Harry. Unless the guilty party was present that evening when she´d attempted to convince Dumbledore that the troll released into the castle on Halloween was a diversion. Whoever was behind jinxing Harry´s broom had heard her rant about an insider working for Voldemort. Now they were trying to shake her up a bit by striking at the one she was supposed to be protecting. It was true that she´d already taken too many chances with the boy´s safety, and maybe the mystery thief thought that one more close call was all it would take for Dumbledore to send her packing.

Walking over to her bed, she sat down and pulled on her worn trainers. Professor McGonagall was annoyed to no end by Jude´s nonconformity to professional dress code. Jude reached for a woolen sweater and pulled it over her head. The castle was freezing in December, and even the fires blazing in every room were little match for the unforgiving Scottish winters Hogwarts knew. She heaved a heavy sigh and pulled open the door leading from her room into the corridor. Her thoughts were weighing her down with more guilt than even she thought she could handle. There was only one cure for this, Jude knew. She headed for Dumbledore´s office to bury herself in work.

***

The remaining days before the Christmas holiday had expired quickly. Jude was not surprised to find Harry still occupying his room in the castle when most of the other students had gone home to their families. She´d heard stories about the Muggle family that had raised him and did not blame him for wanting to stick around. He was not alone, however. She´d also noticed that the Weasleys were sticking around for the holidays, as well.

Jude breathed in the scent of the fresh fir trees that Hagridhad placed in the Great Hall a few days ago. She loved that smell--it reminded her of the Forbidden Forest and of snow and cold. She turned her back to the beautifully decorated, warm and cozy Hall, where the remaining students were chattering loudly as they enjoyed lunch before heading back out into the snow to man their forts from the onslaught of snowballs from the enemy lines. It was Christmas Eve.

Pulling open the door to her Headmaster´s office, a warm rush of air greeted her in the cold, drafty hall. It smelled of cinnamon and sage and burning wood. A fire danced merrily in the grate, by which Dumbledore sat in a great armchair with Fawkes perched on the back.

"Ah, come in, my dear." Dumbledore beckoned her to take the chair opposite him.

"You wanted to see me, Professor?" Jude looked curiously at her former Headmaster and mentor. The last thing she wanted to hear right now was more bad news.

At the look on her face, Dumbledore merely chuckled. "Do not worry, my dear. The sky is not falling, yet." She smiled sheepishly, wishing that he could not read her so well as he did. "I´ve just received an owl which was not addressed to me, that is all." He handed her an envelope.

She took it without looking at it. "I will see to it that it gets to the rightful owner." She had no idea why he´d called her up here just to redirect some misguided mail for him, it wasn´t exactly, after all, urgent and she´d had to leave Professor Sinistra alone to watch the students in the Great Hall.

"I´m sure you will, my dear." His eyes twinkled and he smiled mischievously.

She furrowed her brow at his exuberance over a little letter and decided to take a look. She turned the letter over in her hands. It was addressed to her in a familiar scrawl. As recognition dawned, she thought her heart would stop and she had trouble catching her breath.

Dumbledore appeared delighted with himself. "From a Mr. Mallory. A friend of yours, I assume?" At the suspicious glance she betrayed, Dumbledore confessed. "Yes, I read the letter, my dear. He is quite an amiable fellow, if you don´t mind my saying so." She turned scarlet. "Forgive me, but I had to be sure this letter was safe. I must say, you don´t get much mail, my dear. It threw me into a suspicious state and I had to know if it was really from a friend or someone who intended harm." She looked up at the professor´s warm smile, instantly forgiving him, as a million questions raced through her mind. How had he found her? Were he and Adda all right? Was he still angry with her? "I suppose you want to read your letter in private, but before you go, could you see to it that this gets delivered? It is a Christmas present for Mr. Potter." She was instantly recalled from her thoughts as he handed her a squishy package in brown paper. "It was something that belonged to his father and I am returning it to him now. Will you see that he gets it?"

She nodded in compliance and took the package. Rising from her chair, she took leave of her Headmaster and left the warm and comforting office. She hurried through the dark, cold halls to the entrance of the kitchens. Before she could read the letter from Rhys, she had to see to it that this package would be delivered to Harry before tomorrow. She tickled the pear in a painting of a still-life fruit bowl. The pear giggled and instantly turned into a handle.

Stepping inside the kitchen, she was greeted by a thousand delicious smells. A passing house elf smiled warmly up at her and shouted to those around him. "It´s Miss Jude, come back to see us all." She shook the hand of the tiny elf and others who´d gathered around her. She´d found more friends among the elves during her years here than among the students.

"Blinky, could you tell me where Tibbsis?" Jude inquired of the elf who´d first greeted her.

"Tibbs is there, Miss." He pointed to a short, spindly elf with a long nose and long droopy ears.

"Thanks, Blinky." She crossed the room to the table where Tibbs was rolling out a batch of cookies.

"Merry Christmas, Tibbs." Jude beamed as the small elf flung its arms around her knees, scattering flour all over her black cloak. Tibbs had been the closest friend she´d had at school that wasn´t a teacher. He was an elf that Jude could trust to do anything for her. "I have a favor to ask of you."

The elf puffed with pride and importance. "Anything for Miss Jude, I will do."

"Take this to the Gryffindor Tower, to the First Year boys´ dormitory. It is a Christmas present for Harry Potter. Best do it after he´s asleep." She´d barely finished her instructions when Tibbsexcitedly acceded to every detail. She kissed the little elf on his over large head. "Thanks, Tibbs. I owe you one."

***

She pulled her cloak around her shoulders. It had begun to snow harder as she walked down the front steps of the castle. She could hardly wait to tear open the letter, eager for just one word from Rhys. The path leading from the steps to the open yard, however, was a no man´s land between two opposing forces in a raging snowball war. She would have to pass through the firefight to gain passage to the expanse beyond, where she could finally read her letter without disturbances. She took a deep breath and walked forward. It was Weasley against Weasleywith Harry´s black hair bobbing in and out of view next to his friend, Ron, as they valiantly retuned fire on Fred and George. Harry and Ron, noting a member of the staff passing through their lines, had called for a cease-fire. Fred and George, Jude noted, had no such intentions and she watched from the corner of her eye as they fashioned several enormous snowballs to lob in her direction. As she passed in front of the pair, they threw everything they had in her direction. Smiling, she raised one hand, palm toward the snowy projectiles and continued to walk. The snowballs halted, as if they´d hit an invisible wall, and smashed on the ground. She shook her head and laughed as Fred and George looked astounded. She loved doing that to the other kids when she was in school--only now she was assured she wouldn´t catch hell from teachers for it afterward.

She ripped open the letter as she waded through the deepening snow. Her breath caught in her throat as she read the words:

Dearest Jude,

I miss you terribly--I will not pretend that I don´t. It is not the same without you here, Love. Adda and Darcy miss you and want to be assured that you are all right. I want to know, as well. I have no clue where you´ve gone, and I will not try to find out--I sent this by owl and you know they can find anyone, proper address or none. I couldn´t let the holidays pass without letting you know that I still think about you constantly--and even though it kills me, I cannot bear to let my memories of you go. They are all that I have left. I forgive you, Jude. I forgive you for causing me more pain than I have felt in a long time. You would never hurt me like that if you hadn´t had a good reason. I assume you left because there were things that you needed to finish--demons from your past that you have to face. I guess I´m just writing to tell you that when you are finished with your past, I still want to be your future. I still love you.

Merry Christmas, Love.

Rhys

Jude was not aware that she´d been standing in the same spot since she´d read the first line of the letter. She´d stood there reading and re-reading the letter for a long time, and only the slowly sinking sun and the numbness of her limbs would attest to how long. He forgave her and still loved her. It was a hope that she´d ruthlessly denied herself ever since she´d left him on that bridge over the Silver River. But now, from his own hand! She would allow herself to believe that when this was all over, she could go back to everything--her Paradise, her Rhys. When this is all over. Who knows when that will be? All Jude was aware of was the letter in her hand and the snow falling on her eyelashes as she blindly made her way back to the castle. The war zone had long been deserted. She stepped into the entrance hall of the warmly glowing castle filled with the noise from the Great Hall, where the students were assembled for dinner. She was instantly brought back to reality. A little boy sat in that Hall, oblivious to the danger he was in. Her duty was to him first. She could not afford this distraction right now. She tucked the letter into her pocket. She could hope on another day.

***

"It seems our little celebrity has found new ways of sneaking around the castle at night," Professor Snapesaid casually to Jude as she filed through numerous documents for Dumbledore. She looked up at the professor who lazily made corrections on various papers his students had handed in.

She had noticed something funny going on lately--since Christmas, to be precise. Books in the restricted section screaming in the middle of the night when nobody seems to be around. Yet Filch had found a lantern at the scene of the crime. Jude had made numerous rounds at night, noticing doors opening and closing on their own and other oddities. She´d never once linked any of these strange happenings to Harry, however, and was eager to hear the professor´s explanation for his suspicions. "What makes you think that, Professor?"

"His father."

Jude furrowed her brow. "What does Harry sneaking around have to do with his father?" Jude wasn´t following.

"James and his friends used to roam the castle at night, looking for any sort of trouble they could find and creating it when they could find none," he explained with a detectable tone of malice in his voice. "He owned an Invisibility Cloak."

Jude raised her eyebrows. "An Invisibility Cloak?" Jude looked down at the stacks of papers in her lap thoughtfully. The squishy package Dumbledore had given her to deliver to Harry on Christmas. It had belonged to his father. "But why would Dumbledore give him something to help him sneak around the school at night when it´s not safe?" Jude shook her head--it didn´t make sense.

"Perhaps he feels the boy deserves the opportunity to find out what is going on for himself, which he will undoubtedly do, if given enough time." It did sound like something Dumbledore would do. She sighed--did Dumbledore feel he had to make her job more difficult?

"You don´t like Harry much, do you?" Jude smirked. She´d noticed the icy tone in his voice any time he discussed the boy.

"No," he replied flatly, hoping to end the conversation. It didn´t work.

"Why not?" She wouldn´t give up when she wanted to know something. This Snape knew.

"Because he is exactly like his father," he said shortly, putting his quill aside and facing Jude. "He thought he could get away with anything--he and his insufferable friends. And they did, most of the time."

"You went to school with them?" She was more curious by the moment. This was the first time she´d ever asked anyone for information about the man she´d killed.

"Yes."

She could tell that the conversation was closed. She would extract no more from him on this subject today. But she promised herself to try again.

"So you think Harry has the Invisibility Cloak, then?" She resumed the casual perusal of her papers.

"I know he has it. I became suspicious and asked Dumbledore. He told me he´d given it to him." He had also returned to calmly correcting his stack of paper.

He was startled as Jude stood to her feet. "He what?" She yelled, looking in disbelief at her professor. The papers that had rested in her lap now lay all over the floor. It was now confirmed that Dumbledore had given Harry the means to sneak around at night, unseen and therefore unprotected by Jude. This was a nightmare.

"Do you honestly think that keeping it from him would make him wander the halls less?" Snape looked at her as if she´d finally gone mad, but had expected it. "He´s a troublemaker, Jude. What do you expect?" As an afterthought to her angry expression, he added, "Dumbledore would never allow the boy to be in danger. I´m sure he had his reasons."

Jude bent to collect the scattered papers, silently fuming. If the boy wanted to know what was going on why did the Headmaster have to give him the ultimate key to rule breaking? Why didn´t he just tell him? Far be it for Jude to question Dumbledore. But that´s exactly what she was going to do. She gathered the stacks of disorderly papers and swiftly left the staff room. Professor Snape´s eyes followed her thoughtfully. He was glad he hadn´t told her what he´d found out about Quirrelljust then.

***

"Jude. Good of you to come." Dumbledore opened the door, admitting Jude into his office. He ushered her into a chair in front of his massive desk as he sat down behind it. "Now, what was it you wished to see me about?" He smiled, giving her his full attention.

She returned his smile, hoping she didn´t look too suspicious. He probably already knew why she´d come. She had the eerie feeling that the Headmaster could read minds.

"It´s about Harry," she said.

"Ah, Harry." He looked down at his desk. "Harry, of course."He raised his eyes again to meet Jude´s again. "And his Invisibility Cloak".

"Scary," Jude thought.

"I knew you´d eventually come to me wanting to know why I gave the boy such a seemingly dangerous item." She nodded seriously. "The boy has already begun to suspect what is happening under this roof. Hagrid has informed me that he and his friends have asked him numerous questions...questions concerning Nicholas Flamel." Jude did not move as Dumbledore laced his fingers together and raised his hands to his chin. He continued. "The boy is determined to find out about his past, about his pursuers and about the Stone. I cannot stop him from searching for the answers he seeks, but I can help to ensure his safety." So Dumbledore had given him the cloak to help him stay safe as he wandered the castle looking for clues to solve this puzzle. "Better he wander the halls invisible to his enemies than in plain sight of them." He smiled.

"But what happens if he finds out about the Stone and goes in search of it. He may think it is his responsibility to stop Voldemort. He is in Gryffindor, after all, Professor. What if he gets himself in over his head with this?" The concern was unmistakable in her voice.

"My dear, `nothing happens to anybody which he is not fitted by nature to bear´. Marcus Aurelius was a wise man with much faith in human capability. Harry will not seek the Stone. But, my dear, should he try, I am sure he will be able to handle the danger," he reassured her, noting her skeptical look and continued, "With you to help him."

Dumbledore´s faith in her seemed misplaced, but she appreciated the sentiment, hoping she was wrong. "Did you know, my dear, that Harry has discovered the Mirror of Erised? In his first year, much like another student, I remember." The surprise must have shown on her face, because Dumbledore chuckled as he looked on her. "And like that student, Harry has seen his family--a family that he will never know."

The dark corridors stretched in front of her. Another nightmare had woken her from an already fitful sleep. Knowing that she would never regain slumber tonight, she decided to continue her exploration of the winding halls of the fascinating castle. This long and narrow corridor was not as familiar to her as the others she´d passed--indeed, she couldn´t be sure if she´d ever been down this one before. A pair of lamp-like eyes shown at the end of the black tunnel--it was Mrs. Norris, Filch´s cat. She quickly ducked into an open door, hoping that the cat had not noticed her. She could afford to lose no more points from her House this week, or Professor Astor would see to it that she was expelled. She was sure she´d broken some sort of record for the greatest amount of points lost in the shortest period of time. She let the door slide open a crack and, to her immense relief, Mrs. Norris had gone. She quickly scanned the room she´d entered as she pulled the door open wider to leave.

Before she turned to go, a silvery glint caught her eye. She narrowed her eyes to try to see where the light was coming from. She released her grasp on the doorknob and walked over to the source of the light. Cautiously she surveyed the room--it looked like an old, forgotten study. There were desks and chairs and books all covered in a thick layer of dust. In front of her stood a large mirror with a beautifully gilded frame resting near a wall on four large, clawed feet. This was the only thing in the room on which the dust had not settled. It must have just been moved here from some other room, Jude mused. Its surface was still polished and luminous--it was the reflected light on this surface that had caught her eye. Curious words wound their way around the frame. She bent her head to read them as they climbed the side of the frame, rounded the top of the mirror, and then cascaded down the other side. "Erisedstra ehru oyt ube cafruoyt on wohsi," she read with a furrowed brow. Was it Latin? She didn´t understand Latin beyond the few snatches she heard at mass, even if that´s what this language was. She let her finger slide over the strange letters as her eyes fell to the glass reflective surface. She sprung back from the mirror and clapped a hand over her mouth to keep herself from screaming. There were other people in the mirror besides her. She tentatively glanced once more around the room then allowed her eyes to wander back to the mirror. She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head, suspiciously scrutinizing the images in reflected in the mirror. One was a tall man--maybe forty years or older, she guessed. He had thick sandy hair that was graying at the temples and square, intelligent-looking glasses over deep, gray eyes. She pressed her lips together thoughtfully--this man who looked like her was smiling down at her. Did she know this man? She didn´t recognize him. Resting her hand on the cool, polished glass of the mirror, she tore her eyes away from the first figure standing at her side, to take in the second form. It was a younger man, maybe twenty years old, she ventured. He looked exactly like the first man, only more youthful. The young man wore a sad, weary sort of smile. He looked tired, yet happy to see her there. Her eyes were drawn to his. They alone told of his life that must have been harder than most his age. They were also a deep gray, but held something that the other man´s eyes did not. There was sorrow and weariness beyond his years buried there. Jude glanced at her own reflection--their eyes were the exact same. She looked back at the younger man and gasped, he was now holding something out to her--a small, gold bracelet. She had never seen these people before, but she had seen that little bit of jewelry before. She lifted her right hand to the mirror, her sleeves falling down to her elbows as she did. A gold bracelet was revealed wrapped around her wrist. It was small and barely fit around her tiny wrist, but it was the very same one that the man was holding out to her in the mirror.

She choked. "Are you my brother, then?" She narrowed her eyes. Her chin was trembling. The man´s reflection nodded and smiled a handsome smile. Jude smiled back, letting her hand fall from the mirror. She took a few steps back to see the reflections better. As she stepped away from the mirror, her heart fell--the reflections faded. She was brought forcefully back to reality. These people--her brother, and the man she assumed was her father--were not real. She had no family--the mirror must have been a magical mirror--its cruel and cold surface showing her what she most desperately desired to see only to show her that that is exactly what she´ll never have. She breathed in heavy, huffing breaths, gritting her teeth and willing herself not to cry. She was more enraged than she´d ever been. Looking around the room, she spotted a paperweight on the dusty desk. It was heavy and dusty. She hefted the piece above her head, taking aim at the mirror. Just before she was about to send the object crashing through the glass, she felt a hand grab her wrist.

"No!"

She looked up and was startled to see Professor Dumbledore, the Headmaster, restraining her. Great, she was really in for it now.

"You must not break this mirror, child. Its magic is protected by a strong curse. The person responsible for breaking the Mirror of Erised is fated to die. Whatever you saw in that mirror, it is not worth your life, my dear." He took the paperweight from her hand. She let her arm drop limply to her side. After a pause in which Jude said nothing, just remained staring angrily at the mirror, her Headmaster broke the silence. "You saw your family?" He held her by the arms and gently turned her to face him. She nodded blankly. "Yes, my dear, the deepest desires of our heart maybe the one thing that could hurt us the most--when you can never possess what you see in that mirror. It has driven some insane, some to death. This mirror gives us neither knowledge nor truth, only pain at knowing that we may never attain what we truly desire. Tomorrow, Jude, this mirror will be moved to a new home. I cannot risk you finding it again. It does not do to live in the past, my child, and fail to see what is right in front of you." At the Headmaster´s words, Jude roughly pulled her arms from his grasp and with an angry and bitter scowl, she ripped the tiny gold bracelet from her wrist and threw it on the floor at the foot of the mirror. She ran from the room before the professor had time to stop her. He bent down and retrieved the small trinket the child had discarded on the floor and pocketed it. She would want this later, he knew.

Jude lowered her head. If Dumbledore intended to make her feel guilty, he was doing a bang up job of it. When she looked up again, she noticed a concerned and sympathetic look on her Headmaster´s face. "Remember, my dear. It does not do to live in the past and fail to see what is right in front of you." He laid a small, gold bracelet on the desk in front of her and walked, head bowed, out of the office.